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Original poster

DH slept in same bed as another woman - would you be annoyed?

658 replies

onesiebore · 17/08/2013 11:07

DH was away with work this week for a night and since he's been home he's been a bit odd - a little jumpy and quieter than normal. I asked if something was wrong and he said there was something that he felt I should know but he didn't think I'd be very happy about it although he hadn't done anything.

He'd already told me that his colleague Beth had had to leave early as her Dad had died suddenly while they were away and last night he said that he'd ended up staying in her room to make sure she was ok. Apparently she'd found out when they'd been drinking, had gone to bed upset (had been drinking and couldn't drive), he went to check on her and she'd asked him to stay. He swears nothing happened other than giving her a hug and sleeping next to her.

I believe him that nothing else happened but still feel uneasy about it

OP posts:
beaglesaresweet · 17/08/2013 12:04

why are most of the posters ignore the fact that they are friends, not just colleagues? if your female friend (who you work with) had this type of news, and wouldn't want to sit in the lounge with merry people, but retired to her room to cry - understandably! - wouldn't you go after her, knowing you are the only friend there with her??
I think he's being honest, but I would tell him, Op, that only these exceptional circs made you overlook it. I also don't think he meant 'hugging her all night' as some people assume - he said he gave her a hug, then fallen asleep later, maybe he had a bit to drink befohand so it was easy to drop off to sleep once she had. Really don't think they had sex when she was crying and devastated, and he said that he woulds never do it in such situation even IF he was inclined to cheat.
On the other hand, Op, be sure it doesn't develop into more after this, as she may feel they are closer now, tell him to talk to her and say that really this was an exception and not fair on his wife, and also you should all meet up together.

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 17/08/2013 12:04

I'd be texting her my condolences right now....OR insisting that DH ring her in front of me to talk about her Dad.

myroomisatip · 17/08/2013 12:06

It really depends on your OH and your relationship.

However, I think it is extremely unacceptable behaviour and I have to go along with those who suggest he is admitting to A and hiding the fact that he did B and C :(

If he was concerned about her I could accept him staying the night and sleeping in the chair, but like others have said, it suggests a certain level of familiarity and intimacy between them that she would want him to stay. Why him and not one of the others? Why did he go to her room and not just send her a text or call her? Did he contact you at all that night?

What did he do when she got up and left early? Did he stay in bed while she got washed and dressed?

gillywillywoo · 17/08/2013 12:06

Didn't want her to wake up alone?

What?!

I'm assuming she's a grown woman? I'm sure she can handle it.

Her dad passed away which is terrible but its not like she got mugged or had an intruder in her hotel room and was scared to be alone.

How pathetic.

Sounds harsh maybe but that's my opinion.

myroomisatip · 17/08/2013 12:09

Also, MrsSchadenfreude

"If he had had nothing to hide, he would have come home and immediately said "Oh it was really awful - poor Beth got the news that her Dad had died suddenly. Because it was so late and the conference centre was in the middle of nowhere, she had to stay the night and leave in the morning. She was so upset - I've never seen her so upset, so I stayed in her room with her that night to give her some support."

this is spot on!

Jovellanos · 17/08/2013 12:09

We're all 'piling on', as someone put it, because the OP has been led to doubt her sanity by this and wants to know if others would be annoyed in her shoes.

Damn right I'd be annoyed - but only because this partial confession is evidence that my DH takes me for a fucking mug.

Bloody pollyannas on MN drive me crazy...Ooooh, my DH would never cheat on me. I'd be perfectly happy for him to lie with another woman in his arms all night long. Wouldn't bother me in the slightest, tralala!

gillywillywoo · 17/08/2013 12:10

I agree myroomisatip. That comment IS spot on.

HappilyChatterly · 17/08/2013 12:11

It is harsh Gilly, I hope if I ever receive that kind of news there are people like OP's DH around and not people who share your attitude.

Madamecastafiore · 17/08/2013 12:11

DH just read this and said he would have got her a can or liaised with a relative of hers to come and get her if she was that upset.

He said you are extremely trusting if you believe what your DH is saying.

Madamecastafiore · 17/08/2013 12:11

Sorry cab not can.

Jovellanos · 17/08/2013 12:13

he would have got her a can Grin

Madame your husband sounds like a star! That's the kind of condolence I like.

HappilyChatterly · 17/08/2013 12:14

It might have been in the cold light of day he realised he'd done something OP would have been uneasy about, it doesn't mean his intentions were anything less than honourable at the time.

CuriosityCola · 17/08/2013 12:16

This sits really uneasy with me. I am incredibly trusting but would be extremely unhappy if dh did this. I can't tell you how I would deal with it as I haven't been in that position. I also question the motives of the woman. I would never ask someone else's partner/ husband to share my bed to keep me company. Confused

MissMarplesBloomers · 17/08/2013 12:16

I suspect he DID go into her room to comfort her, intially just bc she was so distraught. However I also suspect that in their cups they both got closer than they should have/intended & sympathy/comfort sex ensued.

They both woke up & had a WTAF????? moment & now damage limitation has begun.

Question is what is your deal breaker OP, difficult one.

BrandyAlexander · 17/08/2013 12:18

I would be beyond livid. Definitely not on!

gillywillywoo · 17/08/2013 12:18

HappilyChattery - I agree if this is all innocent that the OP's DH is a lovely caring guy.

I also will say that if something like this happened to me, I'd hope to have caring lovely people around.

However I'd be more freaked out waking up in a hotel room to see one of my male colleagues lying next to me than waking up alone!

Id much rather wake up ALONE and deal with the news, pack my stuff and get myself sorted than wake up with a colleague in my bed!

I just think that saying "I didn't want her to wake up alone" is pathetic.

If it were me, I'd appreciate the support ....but then I'd like to sleep.. In a bed...ALONE.

Jovellanos · 17/08/2013 12:19

OP, do you know that Beth's father has died? Or is this just the story she and your DH have cooked up together to put you off the scent?

worldgonecrazy · 17/08/2013 12:21

In this situation, with her father's death, I believe him, and I am normally quite good at judging these situations. Sometimes our compassion and humanity leads us into difficult situations, and he has been honest with you. My default reaction to a drunken man plus drunken woman plus bed is that a sexual encounter is extremely likely to have happened, but in this case I think that it was innocent. I think it shows a good, if slightly naive, side to your husband.

gillywillywoo · 17/08/2013 12:21

Also I would never ever ask a male colleague to stay the night with me if they were in a relationship/married!

And I'd only ask a single one if somewhere deep down I had feelings for them!Grin

Otherwise, the only people I'd want around me after receiving that king of news is family or very very close friends.

mynameisslimshady · 17/08/2013 12:22

What is her situation? Is she single?

Scruffey · 17/08/2013 12:24

Terrible crossing of the line even if he didn't do anything.

Who can say whether they did - only they know. Stupid stupid man. Stupid woman. Don't care whether she's married or single - why would you get into bed with someone else's husband. Hmm. Pretty straightforward deduction that it's going to cause major problems.

Rooners · 17/08/2013 12:24

I do think that this indicates a level of intimacy that might well cross a line.

I don't think I'd be annoyed as such but I would find it hard to let go - I'm all for people being free to fall in love with whomever they choose, but I would need to know iyswim.

So I could know he was being honest with me - nothing worse imo than being lied to.

MortifiedAdams · 17/08/2013 12:25

OP have you asked him.how this would make him feel if you did the same with a male colleague?

I would sit him down and insist that he tells the whole truth. I would also add in the disclaimer that of I found out at a later date that he hid even the slightest thing from me, I would leave and there would be no possible reconcilliation.

fackinell · 17/08/2013 12:25

If the DF really did die then I wouldn't mind this at all. I'd probably be annoyed if DP didn't stay to comfort someone, and the hugging? It is comforting to fall asleep hugging someone. Sex is the last thing on my mind when I lose someone close.

I'd stay with a male or female friend in this situation. He probably felt bad in the morning as he knew you would be annoyed a may assume something happened. I'm with the minority on this one.

scallopsrgreat · 17/08/2013 12:26

OP you know what it doesn't matter if everyone on here is happy for their husbands to spend the night in bed with another woman. You are not. And you are not being unreasonable. Is he acknowledging your feelings matter and that he has crossed a boundary?