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Original poster

DH slept in same bed as another woman - would you be annoyed?

658 replies

onesiebore · 17/08/2013 11:07

DH was away with work this week for a night and since he's been home he's been a bit odd - a little jumpy and quieter than normal. I asked if something was wrong and he said there was something that he felt I should know but he didn't think I'd be very happy about it although he hadn't done anything.

He'd already told me that his colleague Beth had had to leave early as her Dad had died suddenly while they were away and last night he said that he'd ended up staying in her room to make sure she was ok. Apparently she'd found out when they'd been drinking, had gone to bed upset (had been drinking and couldn't drive), he went to check on her and she'd asked him to stay. He swears nothing happened other than giving her a hug and sleeping next to her.

I believe him that nothing else happened but still feel uneasy about it

OP posts:
Original poster
onesiebore · 17/08/2013 11:47

I do trust him and believe he didn't do anything but I guess it's raised questions that this even happened. I wouldn't want a random colleague to come see me in that situation, I may be grateful that they were checking on me but I wouldn't want them to stay I'd only want to be around dh or very close friends in that situation.

I have met her briefly at a work event a while ago, DH mentions her occasionally and I had got the impression he liked her and got on with her but obviously weren't aware they were this close.

He said that she'd got up and left really early in the morning, that he doesn't think anyone else at work was aware that he stayed in her room and that they hadn't really talked, said she was crying, he sat with her and she fell asleep. I asked why he didn't leave then and he said he didn't want her to wake up alone.

OP posts:
Junebugjr · 17/08/2013 11:47

Obviously your not going to know one way or another, but he's definitely crossed a line. If it were me, I would let him think I'd let it lie, but would be doing some snooping, and keeping a close eye on his phone and behaviour.
Do they work away frequently together?

Doha · 17/08/2013 11:47

Liar liar pants on fire-he has admitted as much as he thinks he can get away with.
Probably had a comfort shag--hysterical bonding etc make her feel better.

HappilyChatterly · 17/08/2013 11:47

I've never really suffered a close family bereavement I wouldn't know what to do for someone who had. my concern for that vulnerable person would probably take over and I would probably not be thinking about my actions in the context of my relationship, I'd be so focused on the here and now of crying, drunk grieving person.

I would be really uncomfortable the next day too when I was "back to reality" and think, ooh did i do the wrong thing, and probably act a bit funny.

If my DH did I'd think he was a lovely soft person, who was out of his depth in a very emotionally charged situation.

OP if he'd phoned you to ask you what he should do would you have said leave her to it and go back to your room or let him stay?

GetStuffezd · 17/08/2013 11:47

So, did he came home and told you about Beth having to leave early? Then did he tell you about sharing the bed with her at the same time? I know it sounds crass to suggest it, but do you know for certain that Beth's dad did actually pass away?

curlew · 17/08/2013 11:48

God, what lives some people live. How exhausting to be so suspicious all the time!

OP- he's a kind and considerate man and a good friend. Forget about it and move on.

GetStuffezd · 17/08/2013 11:49

God, what lives some people live. How exhausting to be so suspicious all the time!
Yes because nobody who's ever said "I trust my husband" has ever been proven wrong, have they? Hmm

LemonPeculiarJones · 17/08/2013 11:51

Didn't want her to wake up alone?

He has feelings for her. This is definitely inappropriate.

Sometimes times of crisis enable people to cross boundaries. But it's not ok.

Madamecastafiore · 17/08/2013 11:51

It's actually quite normal when someone has died to receive comfort from sex. It's about affirmation apparently and the level of emotion.

lifesgreatquestions · 17/08/2013 11:53

OP, he certainly sounds very considerate, but sleeping in the same bed as her was crossing a line, and if he didn't know that then why not? He could have slept on the floor or in a chair if he was so concerned about her waking up alone. And she's an adult and capable of working through terrible losses as much as the rest of us. If he really did not realise he was crossing a line then you might sit him down and talk through some other basic things in life, like how to use a can opener and work the taps.

Junebugjr · 17/08/2013 11:53

He could also be a shagger curlew, and not just be a kind friend.
Trust is one thing, being told to your face 'I've slept in the same bed as another woman' and not questioning or looking into it further is being a bloody mug.

Jovellanos · 17/08/2013 11:53

DH mentions her occasionally

If it looks like bullshit, and it smells like bullshit...

He's shagging her OP. I'd bet the entire fucking farm on it.

Madamecastafiore · 17/08/2013 11:54

I would only expect DH to actually sleep next to someone all night to comfort them if they were on a dessert island or in the alps after a plane crash and needed each others body heat.

It is completely inappropriate to share that level of intimacy with another woman when you are a married man.

FunLovinBunster · 17/08/2013 11:54

Inappropriate behaviour.
Even if they didnt sleep together on that particular night I would put money on them having an emotional affair.
That's a deal breaker for me.

CinnabarRed · 17/08/2013 11:55

Do you know, I must be weird. Because if it were my DH I would (a) believe him; and (b) be proud of him for taking responsibility for a distraught and suffering human being.

Original poster
onesiebore · 17/08/2013 11:57

Yeah he came home and told me that she'd had to leave early and about her dad but didn't tell me about staying with her until I asked him what was wrong.

I think he does know now he crossed a line - but it's too late now.

OP posts:
NatashaBee · 17/08/2013 11:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

buaitisi · 17/08/2013 11:58

Wow, would people really be furious?
OP, your husband sounds like a good person, maybe it was a lapse in judgement to sleep next to her all night but he was trying not to upset her any more.
She was in the first few hours of having lost her dad.
Give him a break, he was trying to help, maybe went about it the wrong way but his intentions were good.
It wouldn't bother me at all

curlew · 17/08/2013 11:58

CinnabarRed- me too. But obviously we're deluded fools and our dps are laughing behind our backs.

MrsSchadenfreude · 17/08/2013 11:58

It's his odd behaviour that would make me suspicious.

JustKiddingMyself · 17/08/2013 12:00

Madamecastafiore a dessert island?

Please, this is no trifling matter.

LesserSpottedNeckSnake · 17/08/2013 12:01

God, I hate the way people pile onto a thread like this and state categorically that the OP's DH is shagging someone else. You can't know that, and how exactly is it supposed to help the OP? Hmm

OP, I wouldn't be happy with the intimacy in this situation, but only you know whether your DH is the kind of bloke where this would be completely innocent. It would throw me tbh, and I have no reason not to trust my DH.

josiejay · 17/08/2013 12:01

I wouldn't be happy about this at ALL. He needs to know that, even if nothing physical happened, a line has been crossed and I would be expecting him to keep her at a distance from now on. Sorry if that sounds heartless but this sort of thing makes me really uneasy.

HappilyChatterly · 17/08/2013 12:01

Me too Cinnabar

MrsSchadenfreude · 17/08/2013 12:03

If he had had nothing to hide, he would have come home and immediately said "Oh it was really awful - poor Beth got the news that her Dad had died suddenly. Because it was so late and the conference centre was in the middle of nowhere, she had to stay the night and leave in the morning. She was so upset - I've never seen her so upset, so I stayed in her room with her that night to give her some support."

I would probably buy that. But it's the not mentioning it, and the odd behaviour that would lead me to think that a well meaning cuddle led to a kiss, a bigger cuddle and a full on shag. I agree that he is admitting to A, and hoping that by doing this, you won't ask further questions about what really did happen.