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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Putting 2+2 together and coming up with ....?

999 replies

Imonlydreaming · 12/08/2013 22:24

I can't actually believe that I am typing this but I am getting myself in a real tizz about this situation.
My DH has recently begun working a bit further from home and pretty soon after that he started to "stay over" first in hotels, and now in a work colleagues house. (A man if that makes a difference) 2-3 times a week.

The other day our phones were on the side and one of them went off - he said was it yours - not actually asking me to look at his but I did and he had a text that said "I love you xxxxxxxxx" - not from me.
He got up and came over when he saw me open his phone and said straightaway - I used to work with her. Then told me a story about another friend who'd done the same to him. I thought it was strange, but people do make mistakes like that don't they?

After that his phone has had a pass code on - which he told me was because someone at work had taken his phone and left it in a communal area - possibly as a joke. Perfectly plausible of the place he works at.

Today he was having trouble with the signal on his phone and I asked if I could have the number where he's staying and he said that his own mobile would work there. Not actually refusing to give it to me - said he'd do it later (but hasn't).

Well of course the reason I'm writing this down is that I'm suspicious - we haven't exactly been that physical recently - but with 2 toddlers who don't sleep through and lots of illness and other family issues/ illness it's just been a bad time.

Am I reading between the lines and seeing an issue that isn't there? I know that a bunch of strangers on the Internet can't tell me the answers. I just know I couldn't talk to anyone in RL and to ask him would open a can of worms - that I'm just not ready to face.

Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
PaleHousewifeOfCumbriaCounty · 15/08/2013 11:06

Don't say anything about phone, don't give him any inkling that you may want to see it until he's right there in front of you

onefewernow · 15/08/2013 11:13

I don't think suggesting it to him is a good idea. It will act as a warning to him to delete in advance. Just pretend to think you have it and then wait till you get there. If he notices beforehand say you won't need a phone anyway. Hopefully he won't notice- it would be better if he didn't.

So then you can jump him by announcing that you forgot it and can you use his. In fact you could actually bring it and hide it, in case all is revealed on holiday, so you have access to a phone, but "lose it" at the bottom of a bag.

onefewernow · 15/08/2013 11:14

What phone does he have?

JacqueslePeacock · 15/08/2013 11:31

Don't suggest it to him in advance! You will be giving the game away and he will delete all messages (as well as probably feeding you a load of old bollocks about how you need to bring yours anyway as he will need his for work/it will be better to have two/his isn't working v well...). Then you won't have any element of surprise at all when you ask to borrow it.

skyeskyeskye · 15/08/2013 11:35

I agree that you musnt forewarn him about the phone. You need to just casually pick it up and say, I havent got my phone, I need to ring home/friend/whoever, and ask for the code so that you can use it.

Then hold on to it for as long as you can, as suggested above, shoo them off somewhere, or take it to the toilet.

You are not alone, we are all here. MN was a tower of strength to me after my XH walked out and the people on here, made me realise that texting his mates wife all day every day, was in no way acceptable.

Sometimes there are innocent explanations for things, but it really doesnt look good for your H so far.

cozietoesie · 15/08/2013 11:41

Yes, sometimes there are quote innocent explanations for things but there's quite a weight of things which now need explained. That would give me much cause for concern.

I'm glad you're going to try for a snooze, OP. Look after yourself.

cozietoesie · 15/08/2013 11:42

I have no idea where that 'quote' came from. I clearly need more caffeine.

Original poster
Imonlydreaming · 15/08/2013 15:18

Found original loan paperwork - all in his name so that's something - took copies of it plus recent salary letter.

The more time I have to sit and think the worse I feel - I will certainly be using time away to look at his reaction/ behaviour to situations.

Little things keep playing on my mind like him not bringing his overnight bag in straight away but getting it when I'm busy and doing his own washing.

Saying that when he works late he often doesn't bother to change into the clothes he's taken eg shorts so that's why they haven't been worn/ don't need washing.

The little knot in my stomach is growing Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
Imonlydreaming · 15/08/2013 15:20

Oh and no snoozing a friends popping round - a young girl we've both taught died yesterday - so sad Hmm

OP posts:
DelayedActionMouseMaker · 15/08/2013 15:32

Hi dreaming, just checking in to see how you are, sorry to hear about the girl you taught, what a very sad thing to happen.

Agree the bringing in overnight bag thing could be weird, but is that something that would ever have happened before (ie is he just lazy or is this new behaviour?)

Agree you absolutely should not tell him you are leaving your phone behind, it won't work if he has time to sort it out beforehand.

I'm glad for you that the mortgage is ok and the loan just in his name...what are your plans on confronting him about that? Are you going to wait til you have tried to access his phone or ask him this evening?

Be prepared for it to all feel very weird this weekend, and also please, if you can, resist falling into his arms and confessing all and how vulnerable all this is making you feel, because whatever he is up to this will just make it easier for him to pull the wool over your eyes. I know that's easier said than done, it's exactly what I'd want to do, I'd look at DH and see the man I fell for and just want it to all be ok and turn into a sobbing mess...but really, you'll never find the truth like that. When you look at him tonight you need to think of him as a gremlin, cute on the outside but duplicitous and potentially lethal if he mixes with the wrong elements.

We'll be here to hold your hand all the way. We're actually away from tomorrow for a week but have wifi, so I'll pop back when I can to see how you are and offer moral support.

I'm in Yorkshire by the way, if you are anywhere near and need a chat or to meet up for a coffee then please feel free to PM me, I want you to know you are not alone in this.

impatienttobemummy · 15/08/2013 15:47

You have had some very good advice here. You will only get one chance to confront him so it's well worth doing your homework first getting ALL info and evidence together.

My DH commutes 1.5hrs each way every day has done for 6 years. He is up to no good I'm so sorry. Good luck keep calm and get as much proof as u can

AlpacaLunchYoubringyourbooster · 15/08/2013 16:10

Hi Dreaming,

I'm so sorry to hear about that wee girl, you didn't really need that news right now Sad

The bag thing is Hmm - it sounds like he is hiding something in there, clothes that smell of OW and the such like.

Twat.

Original poster
Imonlydreaming · 15/08/2013 17:54

He's due home soon and I'm not sure if ill get chance to post tonight - thank you everyone for all your support and advice

I'm staying strong and ill not mention anything until I have more.

Thanks
OP posts:
cozietoesie · 15/08/2013 18:00

Keep strong.

(If you've been using a computer he has access to, you might consider also removing MN from your internet history - or deleting the history altogether. Just in case.)

DelayedActionMouseMaker · 15/08/2013 18:06

Good luck dreaming, stay strong and remember you have MN behind you.

PyroclasticFlo · 15/08/2013 18:29

Delurking to wish you luck OP Flowers

Hissy · 15/08/2013 18:33

Another one willing you on!

((((HUG))))

KeatsiePie · 15/08/2013 18:35

Good luck x.

AnyFucker · 15/08/2013 19:50

Wishing you strength, clarity and non-doormat vibes, OP x

Loobylou123 · 15/08/2013 19:59

Quick delurk to hope you get some answers. Good luck

RubyrooUK · 15/08/2013 20:05

I also wish you good luck. Whatever is going on, you need things to change. You deserve to be happy. X

bumpers · 15/08/2013 20:08

Thinking of you - stay strong!

Featherbag · 15/08/2013 20:37

I hope tonight goes well for you OP x

PeppermintPasty · 15/08/2013 20:39

Another Mnetter at your side, wishing you strength x

2anddone · 15/08/2013 23:09

De lurking to wish you the strength to get through this evening x