Putting 2+2 together and coming up with ....?

[Imonlydreaming]

I can't actually believe that I am typing this but I am getting myself in a real tizz about this situation.
My DH has recently begun working a bit further from home and pretty soon after that he started to "stay over" first in hotels, and now in a work colleagues house. (A man if that makes a difference) 2-3 times a week.

The other day our phones were on the side and one of them went off - he said was it yours - not actually asking me to look at his but I did and he had a text that said "I love you xxxxxxxxx" - not from me.
He got up and came over when he saw me open his phone and said straightaway - I used to work with her. Then told me a story about another friend who'd done the same to him. I thought it was strange, but people do make mistakes like that don't they?

After that his phone has had a pass code on - which he told me was because someone at work had taken his phone and left it in a communal area - possibly as a joke. Perfectly plausible of the place he works at.

Today he was having trouble with the signal on his phone and I asked if I could have the number where he's staying and he said that his own mobile would work there. Not actually refusing to give it to me - said he'd do it later (but hasn't).

Well of course the reason I'm writing this down is that I'm suspicious - we haven't exactly been that physical recently - but with 2 toddlers who don't sleep through and lots of illness and other family issues/ illness it's just been a bad time.

Am I reading between the lines and seeing an issue that isn't there? I know that a bunch of strangers on the Internet can't tell me the answers. I just know I couldn't talk to anyone in RL and to ask him would open a can of worms - that I'm just not ready to face.

Thanks for reading.

So sorry you're going through this.

If it turns out to be an affair promise me you'll take the cheating bastard to the cleaners.

Oh love! Don't know what to say :(

Yes has said so many times how much he's looking forward to our holiday and spending time with us.

I would be bothered about the loan as well.

Although the text hasn't been explained yet has it?

Thank you all so much for keeping me going and it feels like giving me permission to feel suspicious and to start digging.

Re the text he said the person who sent it was a work colleague who had accidentally sent it to him. He picked up his phone and said he was replying thanks but I don't think that's meant for me. (But I didn't see what he actually wrote)

The friend he mentioned doing it to him before is a mutual friend and I could imagine her doing that by accident.

I did ask him about the text A few days later - something like what did she say about it and he said she was embarrassed and I made a joke about the fact I never look at his phone (I don't - I trust(ed) him that much) and the first time I did was a message like that and we laughed

I'm probably not the best person to advise but I would truly say trust your gut instinct.

Texts like that very rarely get sent by accident especially in our smart phone era.

I fell for so much BS and I'm still here. It's draining to say the least

Re: him looking forward to the holiday, I'm afraid I don't think you can believe anything this guy says at the moment.

S why did he then password protect his phone? If it was all so innocent. I think you know it wasn't. In your position I would be asking very calmly to have a look at his phone, without giving him time to delete messages. If he won't agree, then you have your answer. And a probably explanation of where the money has gone.

De-lurking to send you my best wishes OP. doesn't sound like he is being genuine, even if it isn't an affair he seems to have money issues he's hiding from you, hope all goes well when he comes home... Can't imagine how hard this will be for you

My DP holidayed with me and the DC the second week in July. We had a fab time. Two weeks later he moved out while i was away with the kids for a few days, leaving only a letter. I trusted him too!!

Sorry, pressed send too soon. Just wanted to say like you he wss my rock and I trusted him. Thete is no OW but there were MH issues and a gambling problem. I really hope there is an explantion for his behaviour which doesn't cause you pain x

Morning OP, hope you slept well.

Just a thought - if text message sender is a mutual friend, any reason to call her on the off chance about something else and casually slip it into conversation?

I'm so sorry Imonly.

I think I would forget to bring my phone on the holiday and find a reason to borrow his, e.g., oh I need to call my mom, I'll use your phone, why don't you take the DCs out to the pool and I'll catch up with you. And then wander off with it as you are talking, shoo them out the door, and look through it.

Another restless night but have checked mortgage this morning and that's all in order at least.

The text I saw was from someone I don't know - he said he'd previously had a text from a mutual friend who'd accidentally texted him.

"The text I saw was from someone I don't know - he said he'd previously had a text from a mutual friend who'd accidentally texted him"

Does he actually think that you are stupid?

His friends seem to be very accident prone, eh?

I hope you got some sleep. Any chance of catching an hour or two's shut eye during the day?

Good news about the mortgage anyway.

The mutual friend text was believable to me as she once accidentally called another friend instead of the chap doing some work in her house because she got muddled with his surname.

May try to nap when DCs do later - fortify myself for when he gets back tonight

Morning.

Hope you got some sleep.

Firstly, you are not alone. That've the full force of MN behind you

I am worried that he is going to come home tonight, you are going to blurt out your worries without evidence, he will reassure you and you will be back to square one (but worse off because you will be constantly double checking/second guessing everything).

I would make getting into his phone a priority.

What about emails? Can access his account remotely? Is he an iPhone user? Do you know his apple ID? You can access some texts this way.

It's all too easy to choose to believe someone you love when you want to so much. Good luck OP

And yes to what the other poster said about calling mutual friend and letting it drop into the conversation to see what she says. Assuming there is no chance she is OW? (Sorry if this is a horrible and impossible suggestion).

If she doesn't know what you are talking about, again, you have evidence that he has lied. And evidence is what you need.

Can you call her?

Good luck OP. do try and get into that phone some way or other.

It's not her - I've met up with her while he's been away.

Will suggest that I don't bother to take my phone when we go away - I've suggested/ done that before when going to places with no signal so wouldn't be a strange thing to do/ say. See what his reaction is?

OP - your comment about him being your rock. My ex was very steady, quite dull really, but very reliable until 6 months of lies and affair. Now he has "turned" into an unpleasant controlling shit.

.

Seriously, snoop and snoop some more. You will only get one chance before you confront him to find out what you need to know. My lawyer told me that many (financially better off) men try to reduce assets and income to reduce what they have to pay in the future. The loan would worry me - did he forge your signature? I think technically it would count as a liability of the marriage and you would be responsible for half.

Good plan about the phone, then use the excuse of downloading kindle etc or something onto it so you have "uninterrupted time" with it and a chance to request his passcode.

Could you "forget" your phone?