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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Putting 2+2 together and coming up with ....?

999 replies

Imonlydreaming · 12/08/2013 22:24

I can't actually believe that I am typing this but I am getting myself in a real tizz about this situation.
My DH has recently begun working a bit further from home and pretty soon after that he started to "stay over" first in hotels, and now in a work colleagues house. (A man if that makes a difference) 2-3 times a week.

The other day our phones were on the side and one of them went off - he said was it yours - not actually asking me to look at his but I did and he had a text that said "I love you xxxxxxxxx" - not from me.
He got up and came over when he saw me open his phone and said straightaway - I used to work with her. Then told me a story about another friend who'd done the same to him. I thought it was strange, but people do make mistakes like that don't they?

After that his phone has had a pass code on - which he told me was because someone at work had taken his phone and left it in a communal area - possibly as a joke. Perfectly plausible of the place he works at.

Today he was having trouble with the signal on his phone and I asked if I could have the number where he's staying and he said that his own mobile would work there. Not actually refusing to give it to me - said he'd do it later (but hasn't).

Well of course the reason I'm writing this down is that I'm suspicious - we haven't exactly been that physical recently - but with 2 toddlers who don't sleep through and lots of illness and other family issues/ illness it's just been a bad time.

Am I reading between the lines and seeing an issue that isn't there? I know that a bunch of strangers on the Internet can't tell me the answers. I just know I couldn't talk to anyone in RL and to ask him would open a can of worms - that I'm just not ready to face.

Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
Original poster
Imonlydreaming · 15/08/2013 23:24

Well its been a very normal evening and I've hardly seen him since he got in - we had to drop off our pets for the duration of our holiday
Gave me the chance to look in his bag/ look at his iPad (locked of course) nothing to report there
Don't worry re computer I only MN on my phone or iPad and just log out when I'm done.
I've not mentioned anything - bit my tongue hard when he was talking about hoping to get a payrise. Confused

OP posts:
Original poster
Imonlydreaming · 15/08/2013 23:29

Ps thanks for all the good wishes - I appreciate the time you've all taken to give advice and share your support

OP posts:
DelayedActionMouseMaker · 15/08/2013 23:35

Are you off on Hols tomorrow? Am assuming it'll be radio silence in MN for a week if so? If that's the case I hope, hope, hope that you manage to have a good Hols despite the worry and having to act normally.

Original poster
Imonlydreaming · 15/08/2013 23:40

Not till the weekend - just fitted in better with friends who are pet sitting for tonight. He's at work tomorrow - just asked me if I need him home early tomorrow - Hmm
I did say yes - you've got your packing to do! whether its just getting out of spending time at home or something else if he wants to come on holiday he can bloody well sort his own stuff out Shock

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 15/08/2013 23:44

Try to get some sun, some decent food and a few G&Ts anyway. We'll be around when you get back if you need us.

Yogagirl17 · 15/08/2013 23:45

Good luck. If nothing else I hope you get some clarity. xx

impatienttobemummy · 16/08/2013 05:47

Good luck

LineRunner · 16/08/2013 05:59

Hi, OP, I've just read your thread and I would like to wish you luck as well.

mathanxiety · 16/08/2013 06:10

Have read it all. Doesn't look good. Try to hold it together and bite your tongue. Listen carefully.

xxxx

gintastic · 16/08/2013 06:35

Good luck - OH and I have just got back from 2 weeks holiday and I was using his phone here there and everywhere as mine had no signal at all. That is normal - if he's ultra secretive with it I would be suspicious too. Try and relax and enjoy your lovely twins...

forumdonkey · 16/08/2013 06:58

Hope you have a good holiday, despite everything. Stay strong and good luck Flowers

paperlantern · 16/08/2013 08:03

oh dear. the loan. don't want to worry you but I suspect he' s not in money difficulties. he is deliberately diverting money. loan (and cc) even in his name could be counted against joint assets in a divorce of he can suggest it was for joint expenditure (we were living beyond our means, expensive holidays didn't want my darling wife to know).

get hold of "d"h passport number. makes lifw easiest ifyou do split to get kids passports.

clam · 16/08/2013 09:35

Get hold of his phone and 'accidentally' hide misplace it. Watch him go bananas looking for it as he gets desperate to contact someone. Ask him innocently what the problem is.

Original poster
Imonlydreaming · 16/08/2013 10:02

It's like there are 2 people - the one who came home yesterday and was getting the DC excited about our
Holiday and the man who has done the things I've listed on this thread.

It all seems surreal that we could have such big secrets between us Hmm

Realised yesterday too that his iPad has a sim so he can text/ email from it too. It also has a pass code.

I'm still clinging on to there being a happy conclusion to this but the more I think about it the sadder I feel.

OP posts:
comingintomyown · 16/08/2013 10:15

The two people thing is so true I remember wondering how my XH did that, somehow they just do

I second whoever said brace yourself for when they lie and scrabble to justify what they have done

I am sorry this is happening to you and well done for not shying away , in real time in real life it takes time to be able to process this. I remember reading how the subconscious mind will only allow so much truth and realisation at a time as a protection mechanism. Probably more stuff will dawn on you as time goes on.

Original poster
Imonlydreaming · 16/08/2013 10:31

But then I feel like 2 people at the moment too - the one who is snooping around guiltily looking for evidence and the happy mummy/ wife.

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 16/08/2013 10:44

Ach - it's tough. Remember that you yourself have no need to feel guilty in this matter and aim to give the kids a great holiday.

Yogagirl17 · 16/08/2013 11:22

I actually think they become two different people in order to do what they're doing. Unless the man is a total amoral shit to start with (and I"m thinking most of us wouldn't have married a man who was clearly a lying, cheating asshole), they kind of section off this part of themselves that doesn't have to think about the horrific betrayal of trust they're committing. It's all a very strange process but the more I see and hear of it, the more they all seem to say and do the same things. But of course if you tell them what a cliche they've become they will be shocked and horrified. NO, not them. They're not just that sad 40-something ditching his wife and family in hopes of something that will make them feel good for 5 minutes at whatever the cost - they of course are different.

Sorry, didn't mean to go off on a bit of a rant!

comingintomyown · 16/08/2013 16:30

Haha yogagirl spot on.

XH was in a dark place only OW could help him out of , like a gothic drama rather than the total cliche it all was.

Yogagirl17 · 16/08/2013 17:16

Yes, my XH was the same comingintomyown - only OW understood, only OW listened (I, of course, did not listen). But he wasn't a cliche..noooo, not him. If it wasn't your own life falling apart you'd laugh. Really you would.

Original poster
Imonlydreaming · 16/08/2013 17:32

Just want to say again how sorry I am for anyone else who has had to go through this process of self doubt, worry and disbelief.
No prizes for guessing who's just phoned to say they'll be late despite our conversation last night.
I don't doubt that've has stuff to sort before holiday but ......

OP posts:
Original poster
Imonlydreaming · 16/08/2013 17:32

*that he

OP posts:
pausingforbreath · 16/08/2013 17:40

Sorry that he's proving to be an arse. Obviously only out to please himself and not consider you.
Where you off to on Holiday ?
Yours and the kids stuff ready? ;-)

pausingforbreath · 16/08/2013 17:41

Sorry that he's proving to be an arse. Obviously only out to please himself and not consider you.
Where you off to on Holiday ?
Yours and the kids stuff ready? ;-)

pausingforbreath · 16/08/2013 17:41

Sorry, double post

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