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Original poster

Putting 2+2 together and coming up with ....?

999 replies

Imonlydreaming · 12/08/2013 22:24

I can't actually believe that I am typing this but I am getting myself in a real tizz about this situation.
My DH has recently begun working a bit further from home and pretty soon after that he started to "stay over" first in hotels, and now in a work colleagues house. (A man if that makes a difference) 2-3 times a week.

The other day our phones were on the side and one of them went off - he said was it yours - not actually asking me to look at his but I did and he had a text that said "I love you xxxxxxxxx" - not from me.
He got up and came over when he saw me open his phone and said straightaway - I used to work with her. Then told me a story about another friend who'd done the same to him. I thought it was strange, but people do make mistakes like that don't they?

After that his phone has had a pass code on - which he told me was because someone at work had taken his phone and left it in a communal area - possibly as a joke. Perfectly plausible of the place he works at.

Today he was having trouble with the signal on his phone and I asked if I could have the number where he's staying and he said that his own mobile would work there. Not actually refusing to give it to me - said he'd do it later (but hasn't).

Well of course the reason I'm writing this down is that I'm suspicious - we haven't exactly been that physical recently - but with 2 toddlers who don't sleep through and lots of illness and other family issues/ illness it's just been a bad time.

Am I reading between the lines and seeing an issue that isn't there? I know that a bunch of strangers on the Internet can't tell me the answers. I just know I couldn't talk to anyone in RL and to ask him would open a can of worms - that I'm just not ready to face.

Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
Original poster
Imonlydreaming · 14/08/2013 22:01

Can't transfer money as its not mine IYSWIM. Have copies of bonus letter and his spreadsheets with pay/ loan/ credit card on. bet he wishes he wasn't so bloody organised now

I want to know why he couldn't confide in me as to why he needed a loan
I want to go on holiday and pretend its bit happening
The DCs are soo excited about it - how could we not take them
The scales are falling most definitely Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
Imonlydreaming · 14/08/2013 22:03

And have just tried ringing him on the number that will definitely work
No Bloody Answer Confused

OP posts:
AlpacaLunchYoubringyourbooster · 14/08/2013 22:09

Would going away with a friend/dsis etc be an option?

I don't like to think you will miss your holiday, especially when H appears to be hiding something major.

AlpacaLunchYoubringyourbooster · 14/08/2013 22:11

Oh OP you must b tearing your hair out Sad

cozietoesie · 14/08/2013 22:12

I think, just in case, you ought to collect all the relevant documentation you can lay your hands on and put it somewhere safe. Other posters will be able to give you a good list of things you ought to find and put by.

(Not even going to suggest that you ask yourself why someone who is so 'organized' throws away receipts. (Most of the professionals I know keep them until they're yellow - for expenses and tax purposes.))

DelayedActionMouseMaker · 14/08/2013 22:14

A loan? When you say big are we talking holiday abroad big, or new second hand car big or house deposit big?
Does he have any interests in a company or anything that could have failed and therefore required financial scaffolding?
Do you feel strong enough to put your kids in the car and go and see if you can find him tonight?
Sending you a very big hug, mn'y or not.

DelayedActionMouseMaker · 14/08/2013 22:16

The other thing is, do you own your house and is it in both of your names? If so you need to call your mortgage provider at 9am and check the status of your mortgage, is it up to date, has he missed any oayments? any remortgaging happened etc... (Though I think in a joint mortgage scenario he can't remortgage without your signature?)

cozietoesie · 14/08/2013 22:18

Good thinking.

Original poster
Imonlydreaming · 14/08/2013 22:19

10 grand at least on the loan
Yes joint mortgage - those are still paper statements and I open them. AFAIK there have been no missed payments but yes I will check
Thank you

OP posts:
DelayedActionMouseMaker · 14/08/2013 22:26

Ok, we'll if his bonus was similar then you have a house deposits worth of money unaccounted for. You need answers.... Once you get hold of him you need to tell him that you know he is sitting on a house deposits worth of money, and you won't to know what he's intending to do with it, because he needs to understand that if you don't get answers your walking.
If he's doing this to you then the only thing that will wake him up is your being tough from the get go. No pleading or being reasonable will work ime. Don't let him fob you off or make you feel stupid for asking. You are partners, by law and by the sanctity of marriage. Partners are honest and open...if he chooses not to uphold his end of that deal then you will be free to relinquish yours. He needs to know this and believe it, even if you don't. X

cozietoesie · 14/08/2013 22:33

And tell him you want evidence to back up any answers - don't just take 'words' for it.

FloraSpreadableMacDonald · 14/08/2013 22:35

I took a loan out without telling my DP. It was for £1,500 to pay off my overdraft. The reason I had an o/d was because my DP was so tight! Without it I struggled. I'm now working more hours and its not a problem.
However, £10K seems an excessive amount. I'd be concerned. Is he definitely working? You don't think he's been made redundant and afraid to tell you? I've heard of people preyending they are still working. Just a thought.

Original poster
Imonlydreaming · 14/08/2013 22:35

This might sound crazy but ATM I'm actually more pissed off about the money ....
Not sure if that's because I have the evidence so have allowed myself to process that. Wondering how he could put DCs happiness in their first home potentially at risk? Never mind the lack of discussion about it.

OP posts:
FloraSpreadableMacDonald · 14/08/2013 22:36

pretending

Original poster
Imonlydreaming · 14/08/2013 22:38

Definitely still working - pay slips etch all there

OP posts:
DelayedActionMouseMaker · 14/08/2013 22:42

Doesn't sound crazy at all, sounds entirely rational to me...I would be FURIOUS if DH had done the same and not told me. They are your babies, always, you always feel protective of them first.

FloraSpreadableMacDonald · 14/08/2013 22:46

Ok. So it's a mystery what the loan is for. Maybe to pay of credit cards?

skyeskyeskye · 14/08/2013 22:47

I second checking the mortgage. You can also ask them to put a note on file that they are not to allow remortgage etc without both your authority.

One way or another he is lying to you and hiding things from you. Affair or not, the financial stuff is a huge betrayal on its own.

Try and stay calm and keep looking for stuff. He has got done major explaining to do about everything. Be prepared for the worst .

cozietoesie · 14/08/2013 22:54

I forget - when does he get back?

Original poster
Imonlydreaming · 14/08/2013 22:58

He's back tomorrow evening -
hoping I can hold it all together - he has been my rock through so much and I'd like think me for him - through losing parents, redundancy, ivf, horrible jobs and just all the shit that life throws at you and he would be my go to person and for whatever reason that's all being eroded away.
Tonight I feel very small very lost and alone.

OP posts:
Viking1 · 14/08/2013 23:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DelayedActionMouseMaker · 14/08/2013 23:04

Well at least we can help you with the last one maybe, you're definitely not alone on here. I can almost guarantee that if you need help at any stage, no matter whats comes next, there will be people on here, local enough to you to be there if you need them to. And the rest of us will be here in a virtual sense. Hang in there dreaming.

Mixxy · 14/08/2013 23:05

I'd say you are angry about the money because it is the first thing you have proof of. Solid proof of lying. Also because it puts your kids financail future in jeopardy.

Get tough, quick. Get mad- and stay that way until you get answers.

cozietoesie · 14/08/2013 23:06

Yep - people will be here. You're not alone.

Ruprekt · 14/08/2013 23:10

Just read this through........Shock And Confused for you.

Am hoping you will get some answers.

Is he keen to go on holiday with you? Has he tried to get out of it?

(((((Hugs)))))