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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Putting 2+2 together and coming up with ....?

999 replies

Imonlydreaming · 12/08/2013 22:24

I can't actually believe that I am typing this but I am getting myself in a real tizz about this situation.
My DH has recently begun working a bit further from home and pretty soon after that he started to "stay over" first in hotels, and now in a work colleagues house. (A man if that makes a difference) 2-3 times a week.

The other day our phones were on the side and one of them went off - he said was it yours - not actually asking me to look at his but I did and he had a text that said "I love you xxxxxxxxx" - not from me.
He got up and came over when he saw me open his phone and said straightaway - I used to work with her. Then told me a story about another friend who'd done the same to him. I thought it was strange, but people do make mistakes like that don't they?

After that his phone has had a pass code on - which he told me was because someone at work had taken his phone and left it in a communal area - possibly as a joke. Perfectly plausible of the place he works at.

Today he was having trouble with the signal on his phone and I asked if I could have the number where he's staying and he said that his own mobile would work there. Not actually refusing to give it to me - said he'd do it later (but hasn't).

Well of course the reason I'm writing this down is that I'm suspicious - we haven't exactly been that physical recently - but with 2 toddlers who don't sleep through and lots of illness and other family issues/ illness it's just been a bad time.

Am I reading between the lines and seeing an issue that isn't there? I know that a bunch of strangers on the Internet can't tell me the answers. I just know I couldn't talk to anyone in RL and to ask him would open a can of worms - that I'm just not ready to face.

Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 31/08/2013 08:33

You're tired, dreaming, real tired. It's only to be expected and partly why you're feeling suddenly so low. Remember that you're going through a mourning period for the relationship as well as trying to hold things together for the DCs and you - and you'll likely get bad blips like this.

Have you been keeping up with the eating and taking care of yourself?

Original poster
Imonlydreaming · 31/08/2013 08:51

You're right cozie so fucking tired
Latest email

Dear Dreaming

It's tearing me up inside knowing how much I've hurt you. You telling people only makes me think there is no way back, and who can blame you.

I love you sooooo much.

I hate myself soooo much.

I would love to have you back, and whilst I can't see it, I want to tell you, I miss you all soooo much. I hate when your not here.

Please one day try to forgive me xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

OP posts:
Original poster
Imonlydreaming · 31/08/2013 08:53

He's never going to tell me the truth is he? He wants me to end it so that he doesn't have to.

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 31/08/2013 08:59

I think so. He's still thinking of himself and his own image - not really of you and the kids at all, despite his platitudes.

Unfortunately, that makes you a bit vulnerable at the moment - because you are thinking of the kids.

Has your BF been in touch again?

cozietoesie · 31/08/2013 09:01

I think I'd be trying to find someone to spell you with the DCs tomorrow so that you can get away by yourself for a bit. Would she do that sort of thing at short notice?

Is it Monday you're scheduled to start back at work?

inhibernation · 31/08/2013 09:27

The contraception thing.....I don't think that means they haven't been intimate. He may have just wanted her to take over responsibility. If he thinks you think that they haven't actually had sex he will think he has more bargaining power. Perhaps you could tell him that it's not telling other people that signifies he had no chance - it's the fact that he's slept with another woman and lacks the decency to admit it. Put the responsibility back on him

pregnantpause · 31/08/2013 09:49

Part of what he's saying is that he wanted to try again, not for love of his family and wife, but for love of his own image. Starting again, rebuilding a truthful, respectful relationship is not done on a bed of secrets. Why should he have you as a confidant for his secrets and lies, the truth has come out (or at least part of it) if he hated himself, he would accept that the image he presented to his friends was false. He would know this is a consequence of his flawed personality and terrible actions. He would worry about how to make himself into a better man, he would worry about making sure that he spent the rest of his life proving to you that he is a better man. He would be more concerned with fixing his flaws and your broken heart than the false image he presented to the world.

Ponyinthepool · 31/08/2013 09:58

Been lurking for a while but his love you 'soooo' much text prompted me to post. As if a few extra ooo's make all the difference. Wanting attention is one thing. Planning to be a couple is another. Either he was lying then to her or lying now to you. Either way, he lies to manipulate. He will never regain your respect.

cozietoesie · 31/08/2013 09:59

Sorry - I clean forgot that he's coming over to take the DCs for contact. Are you going to be OK with handling that and seeing him?

AgathaF · 31/08/2013 10:04

Do you think you would want to give a go if he did every thing he could to make things 'right', or as near as?

If you do, how about asking him how he intends to try to make amends?

He is putting everything on your shoulders at the moment. What does he plan on doing to help?

Somethingtothinkabout · 31/08/2013 10:13

I also think the "I hate it when you're not here" bit is pretty poor form, given that he intentionally manufactured the situation where you spent most of your time apart.

I also read it as he is almost threatening you, saying if you tell any more people, we won't be able to get back together, so keep your mouth shut.

If you do have to see him today, try and completely disengage for as long as you need to see him.

Trigglesx · 31/08/2013 10:16

IMO, sorting out contraception means that they are making it more of a relationship. In a casual thing, condoms are fine. Trusting her to sort out contraception to me equals a deeper relationship that he intends to continue. Think back when you were dating. The whole "condom in the wallet" thing. Once you found someone you intended to be with long term, THEN you organised long term contraception rather than condoms.

If he REALLY respected you, HE would tell close family and friends that he's let you down and that he intends to make it right. He won't even tell YOU the truth.

Trigglesx · 31/08/2013 10:17

"I hate it when you're not here"

He didn't seem too bothered when he was with the OW. Hmm

Fairenuff · 31/08/2013 10:19

I think you should ask your friend to be in the house when he comes and make sure you are out, perhaps at your friends house, watching her children.

If there are any instructions he needs to know about the dts, write them down and your friend can give them to him when he arrives. When it's time for him to leave, your friend can sit with the dts until he's gone and then call you to say the coast is clear.

I don't think you should see him yourself at all. He will try to manipulate you and he will upset you with more lying, minimising and blaming. I even think he is using your dts as a way to get into the house and to see you.

I think you should stop all contact with him, except about the dts, and make that through email only. Don't respond to any other messages.

He said he would try anything. You have asked for one thing. You have asked him to give you time and space to think. He is not doing that. He won't even give you that one thing.

What do you think, Dreaming?

tessa6 · 31/08/2013 11:28

Can we go through that email? It's so so sad. This is facetious and harsh but I think this is a real opportunity to show how unbelievably self-deceiving all this cheater leaving shit is. Read between the lines. And you don't even have to read that hard.

Dear Dreaming

It's tearing me up inside knowing how much I've hurt you.

I AM IN PAIN. DON'T MAKE ME A VILLAIN FOR WHAT I'VE DONE. THINK OF HOW MUCH PAIN I'M IN.

You telling people only makes me think there is no way back, and who can blame you.

IT IS YOUR FAULT THAT NOW OUR RELATIONSHIP IS ENDING. HOWEVER I APPRECIATE YOU DOING THAT BECAUSE I CAN FEEL LESS LIKE THE BAD GUY.

I love you sooooo much.

I hate myself soooo much.

WHITE NOISE

I would love to have you back, and whilst I can't see it, I want to tell you, I miss you all soooo much. I hate when your not here.

IN THE POSITION I AM IN OF HAVING TWO WOMEN WANT ME, I WOULD DEIGN TO SAY YOU COULD COME BACK IN MY LIFE, BUT HANG ON, DON'T THINK I REALLY MEAN THAT AND DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT. I MEAN THEORETICALLY. THEORETICALLY IN THAT NOT IN REAL LIFE. IN REAL LIFE IT IS OVER. I HATE THAT YOU ARE NOT AROUND TO DO ALL THE SHIT FOR ME YOU DO.

Please one day try to forgive me xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

BUT NOT NOW. COS I HAVE TOLD THE OW WE ARE GOING TO BE TOGETHER SO YOU NOT FORGIVING ME WORKS OUT. LATER MAYBE.

BYE!!!

AnyFucker · 31/08/2013 11:30

Spot on

FrancescaBell · 31/08/2013 11:57

Tessa is right.

You asked him several factual questions in your previous E mail didn't you?

And got that load of self-pitying drivel in reply.

Meanwhile he hasn't admitted a thing and you're still waiting for passwords to check whether you're up to your ears in debts you didn't incur.

Enough's enough.

Take it out of his hands now and stop waiting for him to give you information. With-holding it is turning into a power trip for him.

Get some legal advice and follow Math's advice about the computer.

cozietoesie · 31/08/2013 12:00

I'd agree about the power trip. I can't help feeling that he's starting to enjoy this more than a little, dreaming.

Original poster
Imonlydreaming · 31/08/2013 13:02

I have told some other members of my family and one of them who has been through the same is coming over later. I hope she can tell me her solicitor.

My BF from school has been texting me all morning - and I've been out blackberrying with the DTs - more in their tummies than in the tubs!

He's just texted me that he's told his best friends - at last hes taking it seriously, but still not answered my questions.

He put in his last email
I think I would like us to see a counsellor so as I can tell you everything I want you to hear.

Wtf does that mean? I'll pay you lip service to seeing someone but I'll only tell you what I want to let on!!!

OP posts:
tessa6 · 31/08/2013 13:06

Good god, 'so I can tell you everything I want you to hear' ??!?!?! He doesn't even say 'the truth' or 'answer YOUR questions'. He doesn't even realise how obvious he's belying himself. IT'S ALL ABOUT HIM.

He wants a structured, non-judgemental environment so he can outline a narrative to you that may not be true, but is what he wants to you believe.

FrancescaBell · 31/08/2013 13:07

What it means is that he'd like to build in a delay to revealing all and he probably also realises that some silly counsellors will warble on about 'unmet needs' or similar drivel and so he might be able to charm the pants off one of them and get them on his side.

Focus on getting information now, not him and his pathetic me,me, me E mails. Don't engage and don't reply.

Get legal advice as quickly as possible.

tessa6 · 31/08/2013 13:07

dreaming, telling his best friends, as I'm sure you know, is as much about rallying his own defences and getting HIS story out there now he knows you're telling people as anything else. Yes he's taking it seriously but only to take action that protects himself and provides him with support.

FrancescaBell · 31/08/2013 13:08

That is again, spot on.

If indeed he's told anyone at all. He lies after all.

tessa6 · 31/08/2013 13:10

He has not answered your questions because he is trying to work out what the best 'story' is to get him the most sympathy and least recrimination from you and from the surrounding friends and family in your life, and that will best back up what he wants to happen next. Which, I'm sorry to say, sounds like a managed separation, insisted on by you, where he will be with the OW and bring your marriage to a close whilst never properly breaking it off with you out of fear and greed.

perfectstorm · 31/08/2013 13:12

I think I would like us to see a counsellor so as I can tell you everything I want you to hear.

Who the fuck does this prick think he is?! Angry

He's whining and wangsting about how devastated he is, yet he's not just refusing to answer your questions - he's actually daring to state, when you ask for the truth on how long his essentially bigamous affair has been going on, and what sort of financial shit he has got you both into, that he will agree to let you know what HE wants you to, because HE thinks he MIGHT like to see a counsellor? After stealing from you, leaving you to be a single parent to toddler twins with health needs, and lying through his teeth?

Dear God, I hope you get a good solicitor. This level of entitled shittiness and you will need one. How DARE he do this to you?