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Original poster

Putting 2+2 together and coming up with ....?

999 replies

Imonlydreaming · 12/08/2013 22:24

I can't actually believe that I am typing this but I am getting myself in a real tizz about this situation.
My DH has recently begun working a bit further from home and pretty soon after that he started to "stay over" first in hotels, and now in a work colleagues house. (A man if that makes a difference) 2-3 times a week.

The other day our phones were on the side and one of them went off - he said was it yours - not actually asking me to look at his but I did and he had a text that said "I love you xxxxxxxxx" - not from me.
He got up and came over when he saw me open his phone and said straightaway - I used to work with her. Then told me a story about another friend who'd done the same to him. I thought it was strange, but people do make mistakes like that don't they?

After that his phone has had a pass code on - which he told me was because someone at work had taken his phone and left it in a communal area - possibly as a joke. Perfectly plausible of the place he works at.

Today he was having trouble with the signal on his phone and I asked if I could have the number where he's staying and he said that his own mobile would work there. Not actually refusing to give it to me - said he'd do it later (but hasn't).

Well of course the reason I'm writing this down is that I'm suspicious - we haven't exactly been that physical recently - but with 2 toddlers who don't sleep through and lots of illness and other family issues/ illness it's just been a bad time.

Am I reading between the lines and seeing an issue that isn't there? I know that a bunch of strangers on the Internet can't tell me the answers. I just know I couldn't talk to anyone in RL and to ask him would open a can of worms - that I'm just not ready to face.

Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
Original poster
Imonlydreaming · 30/08/2013 22:40

I've just emailed him about what time etc for Sunday and let him know that I'd told some other friends (one of whom is married to one of his drinking friends)
He replied:

Do you hate me that much? I will do whatever you want. I sense by the people your telling that there is no future for us?? If that is the case then please tell me. This will in turn push us into the conversation that I'd never thought we'd have, ie children and stuff.

Confused It's all about him isn't it? I did reply (I know don't engage Confused) I told him that I had to tell people as I can't not talk to anyone while he realises what a knob he is
OP posts:
Trigglesx · 30/08/2013 22:46

I wouldn't give him the heads up of who you've told now. Let him find out for himself. It also sets a bad precedent of you telling him all your conversations. You don't need to overshare that stuff with him IYSWIM. If he then comes back to you and says "you told xxxx? why?" you can simply say "it didn't occur to me NOT to tell them. I'm not going to HIDE it." You don't need to keep his secret and you don't need to report to him what you've said and to whom.

Make sure if he's at your house that you lock away (or put somewhere he can't access) any important paperwork and anything that will cost you money or hassle to replace (birth certs, passports, etc). And, as another poster said, password protect your computer/laptop.

Somethingtothinkabout · 30/08/2013 22:50

Please tell me he you've decided it's over, my poor fragile heart can't cope with being kept in the dark

Boo fucking hoo. See how he likes it. Angry God I'm (delurking to say I'm) so angry on your behalf. Yes it is all about him still. What, he isn't going to waste his time fighting for you if you say it's over?

You will be fine. You are doing so well. I wouldn't tell him who else you have told, let him find out from them directly when he thinks they are 'safe' people for him and they give him the cold shoulder.

What a total fucker.

cozietoesie · 30/08/2013 22:51

Yep - it's about him.

Trying some blackmail is he now ? (Do what I want/maintain my nice self image or I'll screw you over with the kids and the money.) It's still a bit tentative - but it's there.

dreaming

I really think you need to see a solicitor as soon as you can if only to find out your and the DC's rights. You'll still have huge amounts of manoeuvre room if you want it but it isn't half reassuring/strengthening to have talked with a legal adviser.

FrancescaBell · 30/08/2013 22:52

What that means is:

Please tell me it's all over with us so that I can tell the OW that I've been doing a lot of thinking and I've chosen her over you

Really, stop engaging with him.

You'd be far better off checking out some of these lies he's been telling you and finding out the truth. Especially the financial aspects, given that you're married and might be liable for any debts he's racked up during this affair.

If you find out that this affair's been going on for longer than you'd thought, he's spent most of that loan on the affair/OW and he's living at her place now, what will you do?

Diagonally · 30/08/2013 22:53

The conversation he never thought you'd have?

He thought your forgiveness would be automatic, then?

He's an arrogant, selfish tosser.

Somethingtothinkabout · 30/08/2013 22:53

Also, a conversation I never thought we'd have, ie children and stuff... because I thought I could have my cake and eat it and it is YOU who is making this conversation happen, because you won't just roll over and forgive this one tiny thing

He needs to be dispatched into orbit.

AnyFucker · 30/08/2013 23:06

the above posters have it

he expected you to keep his dirty secret and roll over like a doormat

well done to you for not doing either of those things

inhibernation · 30/08/2013 23:23

Do you hate me that much? Er yes actually. Actually no, you didn't even feature - I just value MYSELF and am putting my own needs first for a change.

mathanxiety · 30/08/2013 23:24

Dreaming - wrt your questions about visitation arrangements - take your own sweet time about making arrangements with him. When the time comes, you can sit down with a mediator and work out an agreement (I recommend a detailed one covering 365 days of the year) as long as he has found some place to live that is child-suitable, or has some sort of plan wrt activities he could do with the DCs for shorter daytime visits. In the long run (and the short run too, because it will be like nails on a blackboard to you) it is better for all concerned not to have him come and do the visitation in your home.

You don't have to get into any sort of visitation schedule immediately.

However, turn off the computer and take it with you, and hide securely all the financial records that are in the house in advance of his weekend visit so that he won't be able to destroy or hide any evidence of what he has been up to.
I advise you to do this because of an experience of mine where I found myself locked into the basement bedroom while exH took the hard drive out of the family computer very early one Saturday morning.

Well done for talking to good friends. This is a strong move on your part.

His response shows that he has been caught completely wrongfooted here, and wants control above and before anything else.

He is not interested in doing what he should be doing in order to save his marriage and family. He wants you to either end things immediately or get over it all immediately - he does not want to face anything he has done, reveal to you what has been going on, or discuss it, for any reason or with any goal in mind, not even the goal of saving his marriage and his DCs' family life.

cozietoesie · 30/08/2013 23:32

Nope. Completely self-centred.

AspieGran · 30/08/2013 23:35

Just catching up with your thread and you are coping brilliantly, hope you are managing to eat more and sleep a little.

I agree that his email is all about him, he still doesn't really get the enormity of it all yet does he?

"Do you really hate me this much?"
Where is the concern about your feelings and what you are going through?. He appears more concerned about what other people may think about his behaviour, or if I was feeling charitable he actually hates himself and is projecting that back to you.

He asked "I will do whatever you want".
Tell him exactly what you want, the whole, ugly truth about the affair and your mess around finances, no lies, no drip feeding, your relationship is doomed without this full disclosure. Perhaps he really is this clueless and he does not realise that this is the only way forward, regardless of whether you stay together or not. He owes you this at the very least!

Then no discussion about your relationship until he can give you what you need. He seems to expect you to forgive him and you don't yet know what you are forgiving him for. You only have half a tale.

The problem is how do you know if he is telling you the whole story?
Very tricky, you need do some digging yourself so you know yourself what has been happening especially on the financial side.

Original poster
Imonlydreaming · 31/08/2013 00:39

I replied and asked him if he really meant that.
I also asked him again about his relationship with her - when it started - not clear about that and sleeping together. I want to know if he was in her house, they wanted to be a couple, they were planning contraception - why did they wait? (Although we all know they didn't)

I did put "can what you have to tell me really be any worse than what I am imagining?" And now wish I hadn't as it shows me as weak - oh well it's gone midnight - again- I'm shattered - it's been a tough day Hmm

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 31/08/2013 00:46

I don't think that comment shows you as weak

I think it gives him a perfect opening to tell you the truth

Do you think he will ?

Original poster
Imonlydreaming · 31/08/2013 01:03

I really don't know any more Hmm

OP posts:
FrancescaBell · 31/08/2013 01:09

Have you found out any other information, apart from what he's been telling you? Are you looking for it?

AnyFucker · 31/08/2013 01:12

dreaming you seem to be waiting for something (or at least that's the impression your posts give)

are you waiting for him to indicate what is going to happen next ?

Original poster
Imonlydreaming · 31/08/2013 01:22

I am waiting for the final chapter - but I guess I'll never get that because he has that information and he can give whatever he wants.

I've told him I want access to the loan/ CC statements. They're all passworded

I put in the email that they're equal to the relationship because only he knew about it and could have any power over what happened.

I want to get back in control of at least what I can.

I suppose I'm also still waiting to wake up from this nightmare but every RL conversation I have makes it all the more true Hmm

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 31/08/2013 01:25

I am so sorry, love. My question wasn't a fair one really,

But remember this: you can write the final chapter yourself any time you like. You will probably have to, so please don't waste too much time waiting for him to help you out.

FrancescaBell · 31/08/2013 01:26

Do you have access to his phone bills so you can find out how long this has been going on (to quote Ace)?

Hissy · 31/08/2013 02:03

His email screams that he's not sorry.

He wants you to stfu, suck it up and beg him to come home.

Does he really rate himself that highly that he can stomp all over you, lie, lie and lie again, and expect you to BEG him to choose you? Really?

He's trying to threaten you into backing down.

Go silent, make him sweat, seek legal, financial and every other support there is.

Take back control by refusing to engage on anything.

Let him wonder what YOU are thinking.

tessa6 · 31/08/2013 02:30

Agree that he desperately wants to know if you've made a final decision (you you you you as if he didn't do all of t his with his huge bigamist affair) so that he can then commit wholly to the OW and tell her he has ended it categorically with you. Hedging. That's all it is. He'd have both as long as he could have both and now he's being impatient with you (!!!!) to protect him not losing both women. It's ALL about HIM.

mathanxiety · 31/08/2013 02:34

Take the computer to be looked at. There are hardly any passwords that can't be got past. Look up computer forensics and find some place that will open it up for you.

The financial information is very important and not just for what it may reveal about his relationship with the OW. This is your money and your children's money. Is the house or the car his collateral? Is he paying it back from your family income? There are ramifications to this debt that will affect you and the children.

mathanxiety · 31/08/2013 02:35

Don't let him get his hands on the computer.

Mixxy · 31/08/2013 03:34

Has he ever actually been in charge of the twins on his own for any amount of time?