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Original poster

Putting 2+2 together and coming up with ....?

999 replies

Imonlydreaming · 12/08/2013 22:24

I can't actually believe that I am typing this but I am getting myself in a real tizz about this situation.
My DH has recently begun working a bit further from home and pretty soon after that he started to "stay over" first in hotels, and now in a work colleagues house. (A man if that makes a difference) 2-3 times a week.

The other day our phones were on the side and one of them went off - he said was it yours - not actually asking me to look at his but I did and he had a text that said "I love you xxxxxxxxx" - not from me.
He got up and came over when he saw me open his phone and said straightaway - I used to work with her. Then told me a story about another friend who'd done the same to him. I thought it was strange, but people do make mistakes like that don't they?

After that his phone has had a pass code on - which he told me was because someone at work had taken his phone and left it in a communal area - possibly as a joke. Perfectly plausible of the place he works at.

Today he was having trouble with the signal on his phone and I asked if I could have the number where he's staying and he said that his own mobile would work there. Not actually refusing to give it to me - said he'd do it later (but hasn't).

Well of course the reason I'm writing this down is that I'm suspicious - we haven't exactly been that physical recently - but with 2 toddlers who don't sleep through and lots of illness and other family issues/ illness it's just been a bad time.

Am I reading between the lines and seeing an issue that isn't there? I know that a bunch of strangers on the Internet can't tell me the answers. I just know I couldn't talk to anyone in RL and to ask him would open a can of worms - that I'm just not ready to face.

Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
MissStrawberry · 30/08/2013 19:09
cozietoesie · 30/08/2013 19:16

Not at all. I think there are few of us who could have handled all this so well. (I certainly couldn't.)

mathanxiety · 30/08/2013 19:25

When I read what you said he told you after doing some more driving than you used to (that you didn't need him any more) I want to punch him in the face.

Along with what you said about him doing things for others (way upthread) a picture is emerging of a really messed up character.

Dreaming, my mum got her licence at the ripe old age of 69 after many failed tests from age 67 on. It has revolutionised her life to be able to drive with the little boost of confidence that little piece of paper gave her. She was a pretty good driver as a learner but had no confidence when it came to tests, and there were elements of driving she had decided were too difficult she was too old and blind to master the roundabout, parallel parking, merging onto the motorway, driving in the rain, etc. The more she had to do it in her lessons the more she overcame her fears, or as she put it, she just learned to drive carefully while feeling fear at the same time. Mum was always one of those people who tended to place artificial limits on herself, make up rules if there were none posted getting over herself to the point of taking her rightful place out there on the Dublin roads was a big breakthrough.

You can manage everything you need to do if you just put one foot in front of the other and keep on plodding on.

mathanxiety · 30/08/2013 19:35

So your mum Hmm -- two sets of crying because she is being ignored??
Methinks your H is cut from the same cloth.

Sorry you are not getting the sort of support you should be getting from your parents although your dad may yet be helpful - he sounds practical at least, taking the DCs out to the garden.

Trying to get your dad and your bf onside? Angry Angry Angry
He is playing very dirty indeed.

What he is doing here is refusing to lose.
He has no interest in the marriage or his children's family life, or even his own family life with you. He has no interest in saving the relationship with you, cares nothing for your love for him, and he has no love for you.
He is saying 'no, you are not dumping me, I am reserving the right to dump you as and when I feel like it, and I insist on doing this on my own terms'. In other words, what he is doing is all about his own ego, which is seriously out of whack. He wants to save face to himself. He has too much pride.

Dreaming, you need to see a solicitor. If you are anywhere near Derbyshire, I can get details of a good one for you. (I am not there but there is someone on another thread who has found one in that region who knows her stuff)

mathanxiety · 30/08/2013 19:37

And one day to realise things were dodgy?
It took me far, far longer Blush - more like months..

The BF sounds as if her head is screwed on properly.

mathanxiety · 30/08/2013 19:49

SawofftheOW's experience rings bells here. Same determination to cling to the lie, circumstances a bit different.

Dreaming, don't underestimate the extent to which lying can become an ingrained habit, how it can be used to prop up an ego, how telling the truth can become, in the eyes of the liar, equal to abject defeat at the hands of an enemy (you are now his adversary, in his own mind).

The effect of that determined defence of the lie is that you will never know when he is telling the truth and the death and burial in a lead coffin of trust.

Original poster
Imonlydreaming · 30/08/2013 19:53

Well that day it came together in my head - the staying away, the texts, the comments.....
Looking back I feel a fool, but I know it's that I was busy being mummy, a "good"wife, taking in his bloody dry cleaning.

Oh god just writing that has made me remember his trousers being split ..... He said on a handle .... Oh ffs he tore them in flagranti didn't he the shit ... And I bloody took them to be mended Angry

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 30/08/2013 19:58

Or eg disco dancing ...... they can do uncharacteristic things on evenings out. It wasn't necessarily in flagrante.

MissStrawberry · 30/08/2013 19:59

Don't you have some cutting practice you want to get done?

mathanxiety · 30/08/2013 20:01

The effect on you - that you feel like a fool - is one of the ways a cheater is so cruel.

cozietoesie · 30/08/2013 20:01

Naughty MissStrawberry.

Grin
Original poster
Imonlydreaming · 30/08/2013 20:10

Unfortunately he managed to rip the same trousers again..... Gd how stupid was I?! Angry

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 30/08/2013 20:15

Ah.

MissStrawberry · 30/08/2013 20:18

Get the scissors out!!!!

And a hammer to his stupid CDs/DVDs.

Original poster
Imonlydreaming · 30/08/2013 20:57

Actually what would piss him off more than damage would be to mix up the CDs in their cases and their alphabetical order Wink

OP posts:
Original poster
Imonlydreaming · 30/08/2013 20:58

GrinCosie I've just seen your post about disco dancing - he really can't dance - think that would put OW off!!!

OP posts:
inhibernation · 30/08/2013 21:06

A user, a cheat, a liar, a narcissist AND obsessive compulsive......
I'm sure you can add more undesirable qualities to the spec of least deserving husband of imonlydreaming

cozietoesie · 30/08/2013 21:08

Can't dance, inhibernation. That seals the situation, surely?

Original poster
Imonlydreaming · 30/08/2013 21:20

I've been telling a few more of my good friends this evening and they are all being so lovely it's making me cry Hmm

I'm planning on going to stay with one of them soon for a weekend while he has contact time

He's back this weekend and will be seeing the DC - he seemed to be under the impression that I would be around too Shock
I have told him that, no, I will be going out to do as I please on that day
Do I have to let him have them overnight at first wherever he's staying? I feel they should work up to that - visiting the place first and getting to be familiar before staying?
Although it will be a while yet as he'll have to find somewhere with space for them to stay too.
This is the bit I have been dreading - how to organise the DC so it's best for them Hmm

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 30/08/2013 21:28

Actually, dreaming, what do the DCs know?

inhibernation · 30/08/2013 21:32

Cozie - being less than nimble on my feet I was prepared to let him have that one ;)

Dreaming - how old are the dts?

Original poster
Imonlydreaming · 30/08/2013 21:48

Oh they think Daddy is at work - as I said up thread he really prepared that one well Hmm
They're 2 1/2 and have good language/ comprehension skills.

I read about what fireplaces told her DC, but wondered if the children worry when they go for contact time at Daddy's new place that they have been asked to go there for doing a "bad thing"? That is what I think my DD would think. She is a worrier Hmm

OP posts:
smeraldina · 30/08/2013 21:58

In terms of the DT I would do exactly what you feel is right for you psychologically - I could be wrong but it sounds as if you might be ok with him having contact in your home in the day / going to a local playground etc - but that he then goes and you return and do bath and bedtime. You sound as if you certainly don't want to leave them overnight - and why should you? They are still ever so little. And you have had a ghastly shock - no need at all to do anything that will feel challenging for you or them. Are you ok about him being in your house in the daytime? Easier in terms of stuff and familiarity for them as long as you won't feel invaded. No scenario will be ideal so I guess it's about finding the least stressful option for you and the DT x

inhibernation · 30/08/2013 22:15

Agree - do what feels right for you.

FrancescaBell · 30/08/2013 22:17

Latecomer to this but be careful about your privacy and his access to anything if you're going to be out of the house. Take your laptop with you and clear your history/cache if he has access to the family PC. Alternatively, password lock it so he's unable to use it. Lock away any documents you don't want him to see. Although you could strategically leave out a piece of paper with Mishcon De Reya's phone number on it, or Marilyn Stowe's Wink.

In the future, I'd make arrangements so that he doesn't come to your home at all. It can be very confusing to children of that age to see daddy back in their familiar home environment and much more painful when he goes home.

I too think he is still in close contact with the OW, if not actually staying with her at her house (which seems very likely).

Have you been doing any digging of your own? Phone bills, credit card companies, bank statements?

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