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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Putting 2+2 together and coming up with ....?

999 replies

Imonlydreaming · 12/08/2013 22:24

I can't actually believe that I am typing this but I am getting myself in a real tizz about this situation.
My DH has recently begun working a bit further from home and pretty soon after that he started to "stay over" first in hotels, and now in a work colleagues house. (A man if that makes a difference) 2-3 times a week.

The other day our phones were on the side and one of them went off - he said was it yours - not actually asking me to look at his but I did and he had a text that said "I love you xxxxxxxxx" - not from me.
He got up and came over when he saw me open his phone and said straightaway - I used to work with her. Then told me a story about another friend who'd done the same to him. I thought it was strange, but people do make mistakes like that don't they?

After that his phone has had a pass code on - which he told me was because someone at work had taken his phone and left it in a communal area - possibly as a joke. Perfectly plausible of the place he works at.

Today he was having trouble with the signal on his phone and I asked if I could have the number where he's staying and he said that his own mobile would work there. Not actually refusing to give it to me - said he'd do it later (but hasn't).

Well of course the reason I'm writing this down is that I'm suspicious - we haven't exactly been that physical recently - but with 2 toddlers who don't sleep through and lots of illness and other family issues/ illness it's just been a bad time.

Am I reading between the lines and seeing an issue that isn't there? I know that a bunch of strangers on the Internet can't tell me the answers. I just know I couldn't talk to anyone in RL and to ask him would open a can of worms - that I'm just not ready to face.

Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 30/08/2013 15:54

say

Just ignore my lousy typing - the laptop keyboard is ill lit.

impatienttobemummy · 30/08/2013 15:55

I'm so sorry that RL people aren't being supportive, I have heard that these are the times you find out who your friends are. You will find support in places you weren't expecting to find it. Be strong, ultimately you need to be able to rely on yourself and remember everyone here has your back.

MissStrawberry · 30/08/2013 15:55

Don't waste energy on your mother. If she can't be the parent you need right now then don't bother with her moods.

BF - ignore also. You will see who your real friends are in this situation.

H - why the fuck is he trying to use your BF to get to you? Is there anything going on there or is he just being a prat?

Don't fall back to being with him because your M and BF are not stepping up for you and he is the only one texting you. He has behaved dreadfully and you need to make sure he knows that and can't just send worthless, easy texts.

Lizzabadger · 30/08/2013 15:57

Ignore the texts. They are just part of the script and don't mean anything.

It sounds like your mother is a self-centred person, like your husband. Do you think she trained you to think this is the norm / OK?

Hang in there. One day at a time.

cozietoesie · 30/08/2013 15:58

Yes - we all have your back here. Remember that there are a bunch of real people behind all these posts.

MexicanHat · 30/08/2013 16:57

I split from by H late last year OP and have certainly found out who my friends are.

My parents have been supportive up to a point - I think they just feel uncomfortable talking about it becaue their generation rarely separated. I can't think of any of their friends who divorced.

I have also been let down hugely by my B and SIL but as far as I'm concerned it's their loss (time is a great healer) As impatient said you will find support in places you weren't expecting to find it.

For your BF not to text is pretty shabby, so sorry x

I know things are really hard but every day you do get a little stronger and there are lots of us here rooting for you. Stay strong x

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 30/08/2013 17:22

Right, parents and friends, mixed bag; when they're there for you it's amazing, when they fail to at least listen if not offering practical help or brilliant insights, it's a letdown. Sometimes they can even challenge what you thought through and get you doubting yourself.

Any other situation which came along you'd very likely turn to the one person in your corner you've depended on for advice or comfort. MissStrawberry is right fill that gap with anyone but H. He won't hesitate to use upset or exhaustion to ply you with soft words.

Original poster
Imonlydreaming · 30/08/2013 17:24

I think you're right about being uncomfortable about discussing it - they asked if I was ok after they'd been here 6 hours!
I did get a hug from my mum and my dad was quite upset Hmm

Still no text from my BF when I left I said we'd be in contact, so maybe she's waiting for me to get in touch?

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 30/08/2013 17:27

I'd drop her a quick text. She may be being tentative not knowing what the situation is/how you are/whether your husband would be home etc. Her response to that will show you the score.

Original poster
Imonlydreaming · 30/08/2013 17:29

Oh and I think the messaging my friend on FB is "hey look I'm still (Ha name) I'm a nice guy see" thinking I'll see it and believe it and that she might persuade me of it too?
Same as him texting my dad to apologise Confused

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 30/08/2013 17:30

What a jerk, eh?

comingintomyown · 30/08/2013 17:30

When I was going through separation I just asked for support from my friends constantly and didnt wait to be offered Grin

Remember until you begin to go through something like this you have no idea at the magnitude of it all so arent necessarily there for people in the way they need.

I reflected back on good friends divorce when I was married and cringed at how paltry my support had been because I just hadnt realised what she could have done with

Trigglesx · 30/08/2013 17:31

If he's posted on her FB status, she's probably trying to figure out what the hell is going on - are you back together, is he being odd, or what... you know? The last thing she'd want to do is send you a "god, he's such a wanker, I'll be there for you" message to have you send back "well, we're back together" msg.

macthecatsmum · 30/08/2013 17:43

Been there-almost exactly same situation. I stayed-having just moved away from home and family for his work to the arse end of nowhere, where i had no friends or job. i lost every shred of self belief and dignity. I'm ok now, but looking back i wish i had the balls to kick him out and change the locks. I'm sure you know now in your heart what is going on, and it looks as if that is not all that is wrong. cut your losses and regain your life.

Original poster
Imonlydreaming · 30/08/2013 17:47

I take it back she's just phoned (after I texted her) she told me that H has also been texting her directly telling her how much he loves me and what's me back.
She's told him to prove it Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
Imonlydreaming · 30/08/2013 17:53

Wants not what's

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 30/08/2013 17:55

Eww. How pathetic.

MissStrawberry · 30/08/2013 18:01

Why the Smile at him having to prove it? Are you thinking of taking him back if he grovels enough? Obviously your choice but be careful, love. He has hurt you a lot already.

inhibernation · 30/08/2013 18:02

But he had time to prove it - all the time he was having fun (not working) and leaving you to do everything home related. His words are hollow - he isn't even being honest yet!

SawofftheOW · 30/08/2013 18:02

Have been following your thread,OP, and feeling every ounce of your pain and hurt. I am so very, very sorry. Is there any chance he could be with the OW now? I know he is texting you about how much he loves you etc, but when this happened to me my DH assured me he had ended it with her and the OW texted me to say that my DH had made her DH 'the happiest man in the world'. But in reality they had agreed to let the dust settle, remain in contact via their secret email accounts, FB accounts with pseudonyms etc, and plan their next move which my discovery of their affair, via an anonymous phone call, had disrupted. I found all this out about 8 weeks later and in that time they had met up numerous times (facilitated by them still working together), slept together, repeatedly texted and emailed, FB'd, the whole gamut. But also during that time he constantly denied any contact with her at all, despite my begging him to be honest with me, and even showed me emails and texts which essentially told her to fuck off and 'leave him alone to sort out his marriage'. What he was really doing was 'sorting out' his/our money. In short they were in it together and so it became a lie within a lie and was utterly nightmarish, both for me and for the OW's DH. I know every situation is unique, but then again, as so many have posted, these things have a tendency to follow a depressingly pathetic script and series of ever-shittier actions. He is still not telling you the truth and I genuinely believe you now need to contact her or, as others have suggested, get a PI involved. I am so very, very sorry - his cruelty is breathtaking. Sad

cozietoesie · 30/08/2013 18:05

Figures. (The contacting your father and BF.) You're not under his control any more so he's trying to line up 'your people' to persuade them what a sterling chap he really is.

MissStrawberry · 30/08/2013 18:24

It is all for show.

If he was genuine he would only be concerned with what you think of him, not bothered about anyone else's opinion.

Original poster
Imonlydreaming · 30/08/2013 18:28

I put a Smile because I'm glad she's seen through his ploy she called me to say he's saying xyz but how are you
Not but he loves you dreaming you will get back with him won't you?

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 30/08/2013 18:39

What I think you might find interesting, dreaming is to revisit your OP and see just how stronger you've become. If you had suddenly been faced with all of this two or three weeks ago, I fear you might have gone under?

Not likely now.

Original poster
Imonlydreaming · 30/08/2013 18:45

Yes, I have reread my OP I was too trusting - or just believed that my H would be as committed to our marriage as me.
The morning I wrote that post I literally woke up and thought - there's something happening here, but it took all day to really think about it and decide that yes it was dodgy Shock

OP posts:
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