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Original poster

Putting 2+2 together and coming up with ....?

999 replies

Imonlydreaming · 12/08/2013 22:24

I can't actually believe that I am typing this but I am getting myself in a real tizz about this situation.
My DH has recently begun working a bit further from home and pretty soon after that he started to "stay over" first in hotels, and now in a work colleagues house. (A man if that makes a difference) 2-3 times a week.

The other day our phones were on the side and one of them went off - he said was it yours - not actually asking me to look at his but I did and he had a text that said "I love you xxxxxxxxx" - not from me.
He got up and came over when he saw me open his phone and said straightaway - I used to work with her. Then told me a story about another friend who'd done the same to him. I thought it was strange, but people do make mistakes like that don't they?

After that his phone has had a pass code on - which he told me was because someone at work had taken his phone and left it in a communal area - possibly as a joke. Perfectly plausible of the place he works at.

Today he was having trouble with the signal on his phone and I asked if I could have the number where he's staying and he said that his own mobile would work there. Not actually refusing to give it to me - said he'd do it later (but hasn't).

Well of course the reason I'm writing this down is that I'm suspicious - we haven't exactly been that physical recently - but with 2 toddlers who don't sleep through and lots of illness and other family issues/ illness it's just been a bad time.

Am I reading between the lines and seeing an issue that isn't there? I know that a bunch of strangers on the Internet can't tell me the answers. I just know I couldn't talk to anyone in RL and to ask him would open a can of worms - that I'm just not ready to face.

Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 30/08/2013 02:02

So if I am keeping up properly, the state of play at the moment is:
The H has left an email out for view to the effect that he has ordered a camp bed and is sleeping in his office.
He is not admitting that he is anywhere else but the office right now (but it is highly unlikely that he is sleeping in his office, for very good reasons outlined by earlier posters).
He has 'admitted' (damage control mode) that he slept on the sofa at the OW's a few times before the shit all hit the fan.

Dreaming is wondering how he could possibly be with the OW right now since he texted the OW at Dreaming's behest to say he was ending it.

The arrangement with the friend that he claimed was going on for months is a lie.

Dreaming, I can't remember if you said you had seen the text he sent to the OW supposedly ending it, but my guess is unless you saw it he sent a text saying something else, or sent the text but not to her number.

Also, Dreaming -- he thinks wanting 'attention' is a valid reason to do what he has been doing. He is feeling very sorry for himself and is blaming you every time he gives you some sort of explanation that involves you in the dynamic. He wants you to be sorry and to promise to do better. He is not trying to tell you he will get over himself and stop needing 'attention'. He thinks he deserves attention, just as he deserves accolades or recognition or some sort of quid pro quo from people he goes out of his way to help.

As stated upthread, he finds himself unwelcome at home because of his own actions. It is all his own selfish fault. This is not something he will admit.

mathanxiety · 30/08/2013 02:03

If nothing else, Dreaming, it is fantastic to be able to make a record here of the dripfeed you are getting, because as you yourself remarked, holding onto it all in your head would have driven you nuts.

Trigglesx · 30/08/2013 08:35

Even if he sent the text to the OW, there's nothing to say he hasn't talked her around again. After all, that's what he's attempting to do with OP.

Trigglesx · 30/08/2013 08:38

Yes, mathanxiety is correct in saying his "needing attention" excuse is his inept way of saying "if you'd been a better wife and hung on my every word, this would never have happened. This is your fault, not mine, and if you'd only be more attentive to my every need, I could possibly be faithful to you." Seriously - what would your reaction be if he said THAT to you?? Because basically, that's what he's saying. Hmm

DuchessFanny · 30/08/2013 09:20

Delurking to offer support and see how your night went, was DD stomach ache ok in the end ? Hope you managed to get some rest !

Original poster
Imonlydreaming · 30/08/2013 09:24

Morning all - that sick feeling that I thought had gone is back today - maybe it's in anticipation of seeing my DP later
I also have a stinking headache

Yes the attention issue has really got to me - as I said in my message to him - HE withdrew so how could I give him attention
He was never bloody well here.
And the kind of attention he would get from me was always going to be different - she wouldn't be asking him to pick up calpol because DS has yet another cold, or could he please put the washing on when he got in etc - you know fulfilling the responsibilities of being a husband and father Hmm

I go back to work on Monday after 8 weeks holiday and this has forced me to start thinking about the future and I am feeling the fear.

I just can't imagine how hard it is going to be - I can drive, but haven't done so for years-I hated it and I don't have a car so my biggest worry is being trapped with the twins - not being able to take them out and about
I have also started thinking about ridiculous things like Christmas

I know I need to get through today first, then the weekend, then the next week, then the next month but its the unknown I think

OP posts:
mummytime · 30/08/2013 09:29

Okay take some baby practical steps.
Maybe take a couple of lessons to regain your confidence in driving? Would an automatic help?
Get some financial/legal advice.
Do you have easy food you can eat? If you can't eat, can you drink milk shakes? Do you have multivitamins in?
Have you got any RL support?
Does work have any idea what is going on? Please let someone know?
What about Twins groups?

cozietoesie · 30/08/2013 09:29

Yes - it's hard. You feel sick and alone most of the time. (Been there.)

It gets better though. Not immediately but it does improve.

Remember - baby steps for you. Just to keep you and the DCs going.

When do your parents get to you?

Original poster
Imonlydreaming · 30/08/2013 09:30

DD seems fine today although I feel she and DS are being a bit neglected by meHmm

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 30/08/2013 09:32

Take some refresher driving lessons. You are not a helpless female. You can do this.

DelayedActionMouseMaker · 30/08/2013 09:33

Dreaming, you are right about getting through today first. There is no way you can know about to or row or the next day, and your imaginings are often worse then reality. You are going to feel so many extremes of emotion over the next few days and weeks, taking one day at a time is the kindest thing you can do for yourself right now.

Is it possible you can also plan something nice for yourself in the next month? Your H having the kids for a day so you can visit a friend for a lovely lunch or overnight stay? Having something to focus on will help you get through.

cozietoesie · 30/08/2013 09:33

It's good that she's a bit better. Sure, they'll not be getting quite the same level of attention from you right now but that's to be expected - you can't be everything to all people. Just try and keep things ticking over as best you can.

DelayedActionMouseMaker · 30/08/2013 09:35

And yes to getting driving refreshers. I HATED driving when I first passed my test, (as it was it took me til my mid 30's to pass.) But the more i drove the more i liked it. face that fear and just do it, the sense of achievement and freedom will be good for your self esteem and it will also get rid of one of the ways you feel h's absence.

Xales · 30/08/2013 09:38

The camp bed and sleeping bag is an attempt to make you feel sorry for him.

A 'look what I have to do now. Pity me.' Email
He has managed to hide a lot of his deceit for ages but you find this one email straight away...

He is also telling you he would have gone straight to OW if you had just kicked him right out without the call.

perfectstorm · 30/08/2013 09:44

The thing is, Dreaming, you've been managing the twins alone for a long time already. Refresher driving course plus a car will open your world up a lot, and you CAN manage because you won't have that sickening sense that something is terribly wrong but you don't know exactly what, either.

I'm so sorry things are where they are. I am in awe that you have basically being coping with twins as a single mum as you have done, when they're so small and have health issues to boot. Most of us find newborns challenging enough as it is! I think you are a damn sight stronger than you have any idea - and in a couple of years from now, you'll look back and marvel.

JoinYourPlayfellows · 30/08/2013 09:48

He is also telling you he would have gone straight to OW if you had just kicked him right out without the call.

Yes, yes, yes.

Don't overlook this.

And don't overlook the fact that this wasn't just a workplace affair.

For the past 6 months he has been living with this woman half of the time.

He has been leaving your home, your family, your children, you to go and live with his girlfriend during the week.

It's very difficult to see how you could forgive that level of complete lack of care for any of you.

His selfishness and egotism are more than a happy marriage can accommodate.

Original poster
Imonlydreaming · 30/08/2013 09:55

I did have some refresher lessons before - parking is my downfall Shock
I have been driving his car recently but always with him - yes it's an automatic so that is easier
It was when I was doing a bit more driving that he said I didn't need him anymore Hmm

I haven't told work yet - it's INSET day on Monday so will tell my head and team then

We've never been to a twins group - it's my idea of hell Smile we go to plenty of other groups instead

OP posts:
Original poster
Imonlydreaming · 30/08/2013 10:00

Yes I have also been thinking about her - I actually feel a bit sorry for her
Her boyfriend dumped her by text - even if he has since been wooing her - she must be feeling pretty crap that after all his i love yous and living with her that he'd end it like that.
It's also made me wonder if he would have eventually done that to me if I hadn't found out?

OP posts:
Trigglesx · 30/08/2013 10:01

I know you think it's going to be hard - and some days it will be - but looking at it realistically, you've kind of been going it alone for a while, haven't you? I know when H and I separated, I worried about that, but I've come to realise my days haven't really changed that horribly much overall with regards to the DCs. Mainly because I was already handling most things myself anyway.

Trigglesx · 30/08/2013 10:02

As far as Christmas is concerned, even if you can tuck aside a few pounds here and there, it will make a huge difference. The DCs won't know how much you're spending, as long as they're having fun and spending time with you.

Buzzardbird · 30/08/2013 10:46

Dreaming, you are doing so well and being so strong (even if you don't think you are, you are). Don't let him see your fear, the fear should be his, not yours. You didn't chose this, he did. He isn't one of the twins he is an adult who was told about consequences a ling time ago. Remember "you are in the right". "you will be ok".Thanks

tessa6 · 30/08/2013 11:01

dreaming, evidence suggests he would never have told you if you hadn't found out and he'd still be deceiving and mugging you.

Also, please start to accept that he may not have dumped her by text. That is probably a ruse to present a certain story to you.

mummytime · 30/08/2013 11:33

I'm bad at parking! But taking my time finding a good space helps (I hate parking next to pillars). Also power steering and parking sensors can be a big help.

Do get a professional refresher, ask for recommendations, but get someone who is good at building confidence (and ask for that specifically). An hour with a professional is much better than hours with even a good spouse (even if they are a professional driving instructor).

You could even do an advanced motorists course, they are often low cost and would really boost your confidence try here for your local group. That could be something for you to do whilst he has contact time with the children.

Original poster
Imonlydreaming · 30/08/2013 15:45

I feel totally rubbish today - my parents have been here and while I accept my mums ill - she's had 2 sets of crying because she was being ignored (she can't walk ind my dad had the kids in the garden and I was upstairs) so typical of her and hasn't mentioned H or how I am Hmm

BF hasn't been in contact - not even ruok? Which is only 5 characters

Meanwhile H keeps sending me I love you/ miss you texts and has commented on BFs FB status trying to ingratiate himself with her HmmHmmHmm

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 30/08/2013 15:53

She likely hasn't got a clue what to say. And she's ill. If you're coming and going she probably is in the same boat. I'd give it some time.

Your BFF not contacting you is more concerning to me. Did she sau she would be getting in touch today when you phoned her? (Not that she should need to have made any such arrangement in the circumstances.)

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