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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Putting 2+2 together and coming up with ....?

999 replies

Imonlydreaming · 12/08/2013 22:24

I can't actually believe that I am typing this but I am getting myself in a real tizz about this situation.
My DH has recently begun working a bit further from home and pretty soon after that he started to "stay over" first in hotels, and now in a work colleagues house. (A man if that makes a difference) 2-3 times a week.

The other day our phones were on the side and one of them went off - he said was it yours - not actually asking me to look at his but I did and he had a text that said "I love you xxxxxxxxx" - not from me.
He got up and came over when he saw me open his phone and said straightaway - I used to work with her. Then told me a story about another friend who'd done the same to him. I thought it was strange, but people do make mistakes like that don't they?

After that his phone has had a pass code on - which he told me was because someone at work had taken his phone and left it in a communal area - possibly as a joke. Perfectly plausible of the place he works at.

Today he was having trouble with the signal on his phone and I asked if I could have the number where he's staying and he said that his own mobile would work there. Not actually refusing to give it to me - said he'd do it later (but hasn't).

Well of course the reason I'm writing this down is that I'm suspicious - we haven't exactly been that physical recently - but with 2 toddlers who don't sleep through and lots of illness and other family issues/ illness it's just been a bad time.

Am I reading between the lines and seeing an issue that isn't there? I know that a bunch of strangers on the Internet can't tell me the answers. I just know I couldn't talk to anyone in RL and to ask him would open a can of worms - that I'm just not ready to face.

Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
DelayedActionMouseMaker · 29/08/2013 19:51

Get a lawyer, get the knowledge of what you are entitled to, and get his computer trawled if you can for evidence to support your case. And then get even by leaving this sorry, sad, worthless fuckwit and getting a new and better life!

'Staying at hers on the sofa' my hairy arse!! He is still taking the piss out of you, still willing you to be stupid and take his bullshit, and still wants to fuck the ow. Idiot man.

Dreaming, you are fabulous for doing what's required when your heart and head must be spaghetti. We are and will be here as long as it takes. Sending you big hugs.

Wellwobbly · 29/08/2013 20:02

Dreaming, I'm in awe. Well done for your strength and resolve.

"He said that if I'd done 1/10th of what he's done to me he'd hate me.
He admits to having 2 lives and still says that it was for the attention"

Two statements of truth.

cozietoesie · 29/08/2013 20:05

Well I guess he's bound to coincide with the truth occasionally. Very occasionally.

Quiltcover · 29/08/2013 20:40

I think you probably know there is no going back now. Please don't fight for him. I can just imagine the lines he us feeding the ow. Why on earth wound she permit him to stay, if he is attempting to win you back.
He has told her that he has left you for her. He is totally playing you both. The ow deserves all she gets. You don't.
If this was your dd or friend. What would you advise?

AnyFucker · 29/08/2013 20:42

A stopped clock tells the correct time twice a day.

Fairenuff · 29/08/2013 20:43

Ok so it's becoming clear now that all those nights away from home have been spent with OW. In her bed, not on her sofa. He doesn't want to be truthful with you though.

Each time he minimises, think of it as another brick in the wall he is building between you.

This is all of his doing.

tessa6 · 29/08/2013 21:20

He has two women vying for his attention now. Which is exactly what he admitted he wanted. And will carry on with if it's allowed. He should have none. Consequences.

PaleHousewifeOfCumbriaCounty · 29/08/2013 21:41

Well done for uncovering more. You are doing so so well... I think you know where this is all going, but better to happen now before the little ones even realise it. I wish we all could be there in RL for you.

smeraldina · 29/08/2013 21:55

You're doing so well dreaming. I'm so very sorry you're going through this.
Jaw-dropping behaviour on his part. When I think about marriage - the word 'respect' has always struck me as so crucial, whatever happens - and it seems that this is so lacking from him in every way. From your obvious intelligence, kindness, and capacity to love, you have garnered every ounce of my respect, and the respect of all who read you (strains of Aretha in the background). With you all the way. Sending vast amounts of strength. From what I remember of this time, I was still in tremendous shock. Hard to act strongly and decisively and with clarity when one feels at one's weakest, but it has never mattered more to be strong. Here for you.

skyeskyeskye · 29/08/2013 22:19

I see, you mean he is now saying that he was on her sofa the nights he was not home, but you don't know where he is staying now.

I'm sorry that you are being dropped by him. He is thinking to himself, what's the worst that he can admit that he will get away with....

I'm sure you know, deep down, that he has to have been sleeping with her. He will minimise as much as he can.

My XH minimised contact with OW. I tried hard to believe that he was just supporting her, but people on here made me see sense, that thousands of texts are not just support. It is hard to face up to reality, and it hurts so much, but it has to be done, in order to work out where you go from there.

Stay strong, keep eating little and often. Ignore any crap from him and get some good legal advice.

skyeskyeskye · 29/08/2013 22:19

dropped by him should read dripfed.....

comingintomyown · 29/08/2013 22:45

Well I am confused surely he isnt staying on her sofa now ?

God these men are so pathetic and tiresome with their well worn behaviour patterns.

I did think your SIL response was a bit , well, like he is a naughty boy ? Box his ears ? More like kick the shit out of him !

Imonlydreaming · 29/08/2013 22:57

I'm feeling a little more "normal" tonight - I felt quite calm once I found all the messages originally because it confirmed I wasn't going mad.
And his email saying that there was more than he'd admitted before is the same although I know there will be more still.
My DD has stomach ache tonight so I could be in for a long night

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 29/08/2013 22:59

You're doing great, dreaming. I think we're all full of admiration for your strength and resolve in an awful situation.

AnyFucker · 29/08/2013 23:03

You are doing just fine, dreaming

Your instincts have been spot on from the beginning. Carry on following them (and taking from this thread what you need). You have had great advice here.

Imonlydreaming · 29/08/2013 23:03

Erm - I haven't spoken to my SIL - I think that was Fireplaces
But when my SIL does find out she will be kicking the shit out of him (and she's his sister!)

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 29/08/2013 23:04

I think a lot of people are lurking and posting on both threads, dreaming Smile

comingintomyown · 29/08/2013 23:05

Sorry my mistake !

comingintomyown · 29/08/2013 23:06

Indeed.

As an aside have you been on holiday AnyFucker ? I havent seen you posting much

AnyFucker · 29/08/2013 23:13

I have been doing RL, CIMO, out of broadband/3G range Smile

Walkacrossthesand · 29/08/2013 23:14

Anyfucker was old for a while but she isn't any more. I'll have what she's having Smile

Imonlydreaming · 29/08/2013 23:17

No worries comingintomyown - I appreciate all the support and I have lurked on Fireplaces thread too
There's great advice there too

OP posts:
ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee · 29/08/2013 23:20

Then I'd ring his sister in the morning Grin

inhibernation · 29/08/2013 23:35

Better still......get h to tell his sister! Let the tosser squirm

Ubud · 30/08/2013 00:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.