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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Putting 2+2 together and coming up with ....?

999 replies

Imonlydreaming · 12/08/2013 22:24

I can't actually believe that I am typing this but I am getting myself in a real tizz about this situation.
My DH has recently begun working a bit further from home and pretty soon after that he started to "stay over" first in hotels, and now in a work colleagues house. (A man if that makes a difference) 2-3 times a week.

The other day our phones were on the side and one of them went off - he said was it yours - not actually asking me to look at his but I did and he had a text that said "I love you xxxxxxxxx" - not from me.
He got up and came over when he saw me open his phone and said straightaway - I used to work with her. Then told me a story about another friend who'd done the same to him. I thought it was strange, but people do make mistakes like that don't they?

After that his phone has had a pass code on - which he told me was because someone at work had taken his phone and left it in a communal area - possibly as a joke. Perfectly plausible of the place he works at.

Today he was having trouble with the signal on his phone and I asked if I could have the number where he's staying and he said that his own mobile would work there. Not actually refusing to give it to me - said he'd do it later (but hasn't).

Well of course the reason I'm writing this down is that I'm suspicious - we haven't exactly been that physical recently - but with 2 toddlers who don't sleep through and lots of illness and other family issues/ illness it's just been a bad time.

Am I reading between the lines and seeing an issue that isn't there? I know that a bunch of strangers on the Internet can't tell me the answers. I just know I couldn't talk to anyone in RL and to ask him would open a can of worms - that I'm just not ready to face.

Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
impatienttobemummy · 29/08/2013 14:56

Well done dreaming telling others must make it more real but you need the perspectives of the people you trust to guide you when you don't trust yourself, emotional rollercoasters make me feel like that. Keep going your doing the right thing that's what BFs are for

RubyrooUK · 29/08/2013 15:21

Well done Dreaming for confiding in others. Your parents and best friend know you (and your DH) better than anyone and they will be able to support you in practical ways. X

inhibernation · 29/08/2013 16:48

Well done on telling people you trust in RL. It is important that you get support but also that people other than you and h acknowledge what has happened. It is real and should not be swept under the carpet.

The sleeping arrangements. I agree - odd. He should be staying at a b&b and giving you the name & tel number in case you need to contact him (e.g. about the kids). Not staying at his office which is a whole 1 hr 15 mins away from where you live! What's up with that anyway. My h does that journey every day from London to Surrey/South London. Where has the rest of the loan money gone? He is still in damage limitation mode I expect and until he is completely honest I doubt you will be able to move forward.
Try to eat even though you have no appetite. Hope you are managing to get some sleep.

cozietoesie · 29/08/2013 16:52

Yes, dreaming - try to get some food inside you. Today has been difficult with telling other people and tomorrow will be just as bad with your parents coming over. You need to eat or you'll be fit for nothing.

Original poster
Imonlydreaming · 29/08/2013 18:39

He has, at my request, e mailed me and as all you fantastic ladies rightly predicted there was more Sad but I was prepared for that and I know that there will most likely be more.
He has requested counselling through his company.

He has been staying at hers "on the sofa" - he still maintains they've not slept together
Lies lies and more lies Shock
He can't stay at his work colleagues as he is going through a tough time at the moment
So because I told him to text her it was over before I chucked him out the other day he has nowhere to stay.

The loan was to pay off the CC I will be asking for his password to see how the amount got so high, and why it continues to be high.

I spoke to my BF - she is in shock she said but but but its (Hs name)! Of course she said if we needed anything etc
I think we will have to have a few Wine soon

I am eating with the children not much but they ask if I don't eat with them so that's good.
I had a sleep this afternoon and now trying to get dinner/ do bedtime etc

I had a massive wobble last night I do want to say thank you again to everyone for giving your time to help me Thanks

OP posts:
inhibernation · 29/08/2013 18:49

BIG hug x

cozietoesie · 29/08/2013 18:53

He'll likely be going for a stress defence (or similar) if his company take any disciplinary action against him for some reason. That's probably the reason for the counselling request - all logged neatly with HR - so I wouldn't take that action too seriously.

You're doing so well, dreaming and I'm relieved you're eating even if it's a small amount.

As many of us have said - you just come here if you need to yell. Not as good as a real life person but we're all behind you anyway.

Leavenheath · 29/08/2013 18:54

But love, the work colleague doesn't exist. He's admitted that now.

The credit card bills will tell a big story I think. Get to see them as soon as you can. There might well be more than one.

Of course he's lying about not having sex with her.

So glad your BF was good to talk to.

MissStrawberry · 29/08/2013 19:00

"So because I told him to text her it was over before I chucked him out the other day he has nowhere to stay."

Trying to blame you. The ONLY reason he has no where to stay is because he is a lying cheater.

I think the work colleague crap is part of the script too as it always seems that the WC who was putting them up suddenly can't when the lying cheater is kicked out because they have a tough time going too. Coincidence? No, just another lie.

AgathaF · 29/08/2013 19:09

How deep is the pit he digs himself?

skyeskyeskye · 29/08/2013 19:11

Why is he sleeping at hers "on the sofa"? If its over, he shouldn't be anywhere near her. And why would she want him too?

The work colleague having problems is ridiculous? So does that mean he would have been coming home every night if this hasn't happened ? I don't think so...

I agree, you need to see those credit card bills and see where the money has gone.

Don't believe a word he says. If he seriously intends to fix your marriage he would not be staying at hers. That is an insult.

LoisPuddingLane · 29/08/2013 19:17

If he's sleeping on the sofa, I'm Mary Tyler Moore.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 29/08/2013 19:17

Carries on, scrabbling for credibility, still evading. OP you must wonder who this doppelganger is.

Hissy · 29/08/2013 19:20

Where is he staying now?

He's at hers? Or was he there all along and there isn't a work colleague? Never was?

Jeez, there is just no way back from any of this, is there?

You poor thing! :(

Hissy · 29/08/2013 19:23

The fact that he's been rumbled, and STILL thinks it's NOT a catastrophic decision to stay at hers is literally beyond belief!

Lawyer up love, he's too stupid to be your H.

willdivorcesoon · 29/08/2013 19:30

He is staying at hers "on the sofa"?? And he told you this.

Jesus this man is beyond belief. Its just incredulous. So was there ever a work colleague? A hotel?

You poor thing. I hope you can get the support you need in RL.

Please go to see a solicitor just so you know where you stand legally. You have nothing to lose by doing this and knowledge is power. You will feel more in control when you know where you stand legally.

And most importantly don't let him insult your intelligence with his pathetic denials and lies.

AgathaF · 29/08/2013 19:34

Hopefully he will be returning the camp bed for a refund? He is seriously stupid, or playing a very strange game.

Tiredemma · 29/08/2013 19:36

As previously mentioned- please do not let this man continue insulting your intelligence and good nature.

Original poster
Imonlydreaming · 29/08/2013 19:36

Skye - he originally said they'd met in person about 3 times, so this is a new admission of what happened during the affair - sleeping on her sofa (itchy chin) for half a dozen times - so no he probably never stayed at his work colleagues.
Now he has nowhere to stay because I told him to end it with her and then kicked him out so he had nowhere to go.

He says that he realises I can use the email against him

He said that if I'd done 1/10th of what he's done to me he'd hate me.
He admits to having 2 lives and still says that it was for the attention

OP posts:
clam · 29/08/2013 19:37

Just on what PLANET does he think it's acceptable to be staying at her place? If he has even the smallest chance of persuading you he's serious about mending your marriage?

Original poster
Imonlydreaming · 29/08/2013 19:40

Week he could be staying there, but he hasn't admitted it he has now admitted more of what actually happened between them as everyone always said, it would be.
So far it has been:
Just texts
Texts and a kiss
Texts, a kiss and meeting a couple of times
Now texts, kissing, staying at hers (on the sofa)
Next?????

OP posts:
Original poster
Imonlydreaming · 29/08/2013 19:40

Well not week

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 29/08/2013 19:41

dreaming

When the situation becomes known to outsiders, you may find that things come out of the woodwork that you might still, even now, be unprepared for. (Remember that you said that your friends warned him not to mess it up with you as he had had a turbulent relationship in the past?)

I reckon you must feel alternately that you can cope with anything and then cope with nothing - but there may be a lot more to come out. A 13 year relationship is a long time.

Stay strong and talk to your people in real life. They'll be behind you. And I hope your Mum is a bit better also.

tessa6 · 29/08/2013 19:43

Wow dreaming, well done for getting yourself a bit more of the truth. This drip feeding is common and I am afraid your instincts are spot on that it's really unlikely, given form so far, that this is anywhere near the whole truth. Luckily you have us all here who know the shape of the psychological responses on discovery so you're way ahead of him.

On the sofa?! Staying with her? Are you BLOODY KIDDING. HOW is that anywhere near the ACTIONS we talked about earlier of someone who regrets everything and will do anything to make it right.

just shocking. And the attempt to pin it on you, as if there are no hotels or family members or ANYONE ELSE IN THE WORLD WHO WOULD HAVE BEEN BETTER THAN THIS WOMAN. Unforgivable.

tessa6 · 29/08/2013 19:44

He's been staying with her when he's been away from the home, love. For a long time. If she in a marriage herself then the money has probably been spent on hotels.

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