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Original poster

Putting 2+2 together and coming up with ....?

999 replies

Imonlydreaming · 12/08/2013 22:24

I can't actually believe that I am typing this but I am getting myself in a real tizz about this situation.
My DH has recently begun working a bit further from home and pretty soon after that he started to "stay over" first in hotels, and now in a work colleagues house. (A man if that makes a difference) 2-3 times a week.

The other day our phones were on the side and one of them went off - he said was it yours - not actually asking me to look at his but I did and he had a text that said "I love you xxxxxxxxx" - not from me.
He got up and came over when he saw me open his phone and said straightaway - I used to work with her. Then told me a story about another friend who'd done the same to him. I thought it was strange, but people do make mistakes like that don't they?

After that his phone has had a pass code on - which he told me was because someone at work had taken his phone and left it in a communal area - possibly as a joke. Perfectly plausible of the place he works at.

Today he was having trouble with the signal on his phone and I asked if I could have the number where he's staying and he said that his own mobile would work there. Not actually refusing to give it to me - said he'd do it later (but hasn't).

Well of course the reason I'm writing this down is that I'm suspicious - we haven't exactly been that physical recently - but with 2 toddlers who don't sleep through and lots of illness and other family issues/ illness it's just been a bad time.

Am I reading between the lines and seeing an issue that isn't there? I know that a bunch of strangers on the Internet can't tell me the answers. I just know I couldn't talk to anyone in RL and to ask him would open a can of worms - that I'm just not ready to face.

Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 29/08/2013 06:30

You can't ever have what you thought you had back. One way or another, your life will never be the same again.

I too suspect you were meant to see that email about the camp bed and that he is not in fact sleeping in his office. I think he suspects you are going through everything you can lay your hands on and mining the computer for whatever evidence you can find, and knows you will find the email.

I wonder if you inadvertently put the wind up him a while back before he told you he was getting rid of his old receipts?

How much could you afford to spend on having your computer combed through?

Wellwobbly · 29/08/2013 06:51

Math, we sound so horrible and jaded, don't we Sad. But it is because we have already walked a mile in Dreaming's shoes. (More Sad ).

Dreaming, we are here for you. You have to do what ever it takes, in your own way. You are doing what is right for you and what you can cope with.
I really do wish a healing cloud of protection around you and your little ones. Know you are not alone and there is a big gang of Dreamers surrounding you and holding your hand with a shovel and a few chair legs in the other

MissStrawberry · 29/08/2013 07:22

"And now when I need one .....Hmm"

But you only need one because of what he did!

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 29/08/2013 07:48

Sorry I agree with earlier posters he will now be super wary of any paper or electronic trail so anything you might access will be tailored.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 29/08/2013 08:17

Was thinking again about the function this weekend which I took to be a wedding? If I am wrong sorry for putting my foot in it Iamdreaming. If not, the more I think of it this seems in such poor taste given how he's behaved, to turn up without you at that kind of occasion as if all is perfectly shiny happy and normal. How can he seriously consider going? No wonder he wants radio silence.

willdivorcesoon · 29/08/2013 09:14

I don't get the camp bed and sleeping bag bit. How does he explain why he is doing this? Why doesn't he just sleep wherever he has been claiming to up until now, either with a 'friend' or at the hotel? Have you asked him these questions? Please just don't accept his lies as the truth. They are so far from the truth that its ridiculous. Don't let him walk all over you by accepting his 'truth'.

Sounds to me like he may have told her its over hence, now having nowhere to sleep?! Could be the truth of it, who knows but one way or another for your own sanity and self-respect I think you are going to have to dig deeper, pull on some on the strength you displayed when confronting him and get to the truth by your own means. Have you asked to see the hotel receipts or bills? Copies of the credit card statements? Details of the loan, when it was taken out etc? If he has nothing further to hide than what he has already confessed to then he will have no issue in you seeing these.

As someone else said, nothing in your life or marriage is going to be the same again. Its hard. I do know that but you have no choice unless you choose to become his doormat and from what you have written and the way you write, I don't think you will do this. You sound shell-shocked and in denial. I've been there too and I know how hard it is. My situation was slightly different in that there wasn't another woman (that I am aware of!) but what I discovered also came out of the blue, huge shock and turned my life totally upside down.

You have to tell someone in RL that you can confide in and lean on. For whose benefit are you keeping it secret? His? In which case you owe him nothing. Yours? You have nothing to hide. This has been done to you, you have done nothing wrong.

Stay strong. You've come this far. Do not let him treat you like an idiot by believing his pack of lies. You are so much more than that.

AgathaF · 29/08/2013 10:46

What an awful time you are going through. You've had such good advice from posters here, and you show such a lot of personal strength in your own posts.

The thing that leaps out to me also is the current sleeping arrangement. I don't know where he works, but how many people can realistically expect to sleep in their office (shower, eat, shave etc?). I don't for one moment believe he can do that for more than a night or two at the very most. So why the extravagance of a camp bed and sleeping bag? I think he has really shot himself in the foot over that one. Firstly because it just pays lip-service to your request to stay away for the time being (he clearly thinks he will be back home very soon, but the camp bed is to placate you). Secondly because it exposes his rather huge previous lie about where he spent his nights previously.

Tiredemma · 29/08/2013 10:47

I dont understand why he would all of a sudden need a camp bed and sleeping bag and in martyr like fashion present this in the email "look where I am resorted to sleeping"

Where has he been sleeping previously then?????

Mixxy · 29/08/2013 10:50

Camp bed at the office, my eye. Such a line of bollox like I never heard before...

MadAboutHotChoc · 29/08/2013 11:27

You really do need real life support - confide in a close friend or family member. Believe me when I say you can't do this on your own, you need to protect your own sanity and be as strong as possible by getting support.

I know you want everything back to the way these were and that's probably why you want to believe him but sadly you cannot trust him and you need to look at him with fresh eyes - he is not the man you thought he was Sad

Be kind to yourself x

Trigglesx · 29/08/2013 11:35

There's also the possibility (most likely) that he's been telling her quite a few lies as well, and when the shit hit the fan, she got wind of the truth of it all and booted him as well. Now he's playing for sympathy.

Although I suspect this is all for show on his part, in order to get the results he wants.

Trigglesx · 29/08/2013 11:36

Would his office be tolerant of a camp bed there? Seriously - most offices I've been at would not allow this. Very unprofessional - and seriously no place to store it.

cozietoesie · 29/08/2013 11:39

I actually wondered, Trigglesx, whether she might even not have known he was still married and with children. Sending texts as she did is quite remarkably unguarded.

Fairenuff · 29/08/2013 11:50

Great post jackmonkey.

How are you feeling today Dreaming? Have you decided not to let the children go to the function with him?

Sorry but I also think the campbed has exposed a big lie about him staying at a friends house. All this time he has been spending the nights with the OW.

A friend would not refuse him a bed at a time like this if he had previously been lodging there on a regular basis.

Fairenuff · 29/08/2013 11:51

Ironically, he may now be sleeping at a friend's house, hence the need to buy a bed to sleep on.

Original poster
Imonlydreaming · 29/08/2013 12:04

I've just phoned my mum and dad to tell them- they were in tearsSad
They're coming over tomorrow
I will phone my BFriend later - I actually feel sick at the thought and telling my DPs was horrible

I really don't know anymore what he's doing and thinking

The OW knew he had kids it was in one of the messages as to why he couldn't be a couple just yet because of them.

OP posts:
Trigglesx · 29/08/2013 12:13

Very glad that you've told them - the RL support will be a huge help to you.

Leavenheath · 29/08/2013 12:14

Well done for telling your folks, love.

I hope they don't put any pressure on you either way, will allow you to talk and will simply listen or ask questions. Same for BF.

cozietoesie · 29/08/2013 12:14

Sharing with others in real life is the start of you moving forward, dreaming. Hard though it was (and still to be with your BF later) it will make it more real to you.

Well done.

comingintomyown · 29/08/2013 12:15

One step at a time and you have taken one of the worst

This support will be vital in the coming weeks whatever the upshot of all this is

Trigglesx · 29/08/2013 12:20

And, it has to be said, as soon as he finds out that others know, it will unbalance him a bit - he will suddenly realise he now has to spend time on damage control with others as well as trying to keep you off balance and get you on-side. Brace yourself, as you may find him upping the ante now.

skyeskyeskye · 29/08/2013 12:30

Well done on telling your parents and BF. hopefully they will give you the support that you need in real life too.

That was a great post from jackmonkey. You have had a lot of support and advice on here and I'm glad that it is helping you.

forumdonkey · 29/08/2013 12:51

I'm glad you are starting to tell the people closest to you in RL - it will make you stronger and help.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 29/08/2013 13:01

Good your Ps are going to be with you tomorrow. Your BFF is I hope a pillar of strength for you.

Fairenuff · 29/08/2013 13:15

Well done Dreaming, it really will help to tell those close to you.

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