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Original poster

Putting 2+2 together and coming up with ....?

999 replies

Imonlydreaming · 12/08/2013 22:24

I can't actually believe that I am typing this but I am getting myself in a real tizz about this situation.
My DH has recently begun working a bit further from home and pretty soon after that he started to "stay over" first in hotels, and now in a work colleagues house. (A man if that makes a difference) 2-3 times a week.

The other day our phones were on the side and one of them went off - he said was it yours - not actually asking me to look at his but I did and he had a text that said "I love you xxxxxxxxx" - not from me.
He got up and came over when he saw me open his phone and said straightaway - I used to work with her. Then told me a story about another friend who'd done the same to him. I thought it was strange, but people do make mistakes like that don't they?

After that his phone has had a pass code on - which he told me was because someone at work had taken his phone and left it in a communal area - possibly as a joke. Perfectly plausible of the place he works at.

Today he was having trouble with the signal on his phone and I asked if I could have the number where he's staying and he said that his own mobile would work there. Not actually refusing to give it to me - said he'd do it later (but hasn't).

Well of course the reason I'm writing this down is that I'm suspicious - we haven't exactly been that physical recently - but with 2 toddlers who don't sleep through and lots of illness and other family issues/ illness it's just been a bad time.

Am I reading between the lines and seeing an issue that isn't there? I know that a bunch of strangers on the Internet can't tell me the answers. I just know I couldn't talk to anyone in RL and to ask him would open a can of worms - that I'm just not ready to face.

Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
tessa6 · 28/08/2013 17:22

If you don't want them to go then don't. Your thinking and well being are to be prioritised right now. It is you who are dealing with a trauma.

Leavenheath · 28/08/2013 17:24

And yet you haven't thought it shocking and unreasonable that their father elected to stay away half the week rather than undertake a standard commute?

Why should it have been any different for him?

Original poster
Imonlydreaming · 28/08/2013 17:41

Well yes now I see how bad it was that he wanted to stay away - not needed to for work but wanted not to be here with them his lottery wins Hmm

OP posts:
impatienttobemummy · 28/08/2013 18:26

Been lurking on your thread, just wanted to say I think your doing really well I can't begin to imagine how hard this is. You have been given excellent advice by far wiser people than myself so ill say keep posting and heed their experience

cozietoesie · 28/08/2013 18:33

dreaming

As I said previously, (I'm reading and seeing that) this relationship is finished. You're going through the stirring around - which is quite understandable - before you get to the place where you can mentally stand back and laugh at his behaviour. You'll get there though.

And lean away in the interim. Many people on your thread have been where you are, more or less.

Hissy · 28/08/2013 18:34

You have handled all this admirably. You really have.

Your instincts are spot on and you're well served in trusting them.

If you don't want him to have your babies overnight, then don't.

Let him stew, you need your loved ones around you, they need a trustworthy, and wonderful mum.

Only you and your children matter in all of this.

Lean away, and if anyone of us can help you in any way, don't think twice about asking?

Leavenheath · 28/08/2013 18:44

I fear my last post sounded as though I was having a go at you. I really wasn't. I'm having a go at him actually.

Listen love, I've known a few men who've had affairs and I've been on here a long time.

It's always the same story.

I've yet to meet or read about a man who had an affair like this who completely pulled his weight either in the relationship or in terms of domestic effort.

On every affair thread it emerges that the wife was just doing more and giving more, while her husband followed the old-fashioned masculine script of working full-time, bathing the kids in the evening if they were lucky and rarely spending any time caring for them on his own.

It's atrocious that your husband has never spent any length of time looking after your twins on his own. I don't know how you're still standing, frankly.

In their heads they think they are great husbands and fathers, living a conventional life full of duty and responsibility. For which they are 'owed' a little reward in the shape of a fling with someone who won't ask them to change a nappy or wind a baby.

The truth is rather different. They are just selfish and that trait has always been there. It's like that gene got bigger and mutated when they did the ultimate selfish thing; have an affair.

Given the amount of betrayal involved here with the secret bonuses and borrowing, I think this one's like an onion. There are probably layers and layers of stuff you'll uncover if you start scrutinising things. Loads of small and then bigger lies to you over the years. Lots of selfishness you probably overlooked, because he was such a 'nice guy' who appeared to worship you all.

I think it's only when the selfishness manifests itself in a 'hit-you-right-between-the-eyes' kind of way that women start to get this - and see it.

This didn't come out of nowhere. His behaviour was always heading this way, but you just didn't realise it.

cozietoesie · 28/08/2013 19:01

Oh - and have you been to a solicitor yet? There's nothing better than knowing your legal position, whether or not you choose to exercise it.

voddiekeepsmesane · 28/08/2013 20:23

Sorry have to disagree with you Leaven not all cheating men are the "old-fashioned masculine script" type.

DP was very hands on dad before affair. Have to admit slowly over the 2 year period he had his affair he started to distance himself from the family unit but it was so gradual that I didn't notice.

Good men/partners/husbands/dads can have affairs too.

Original poster
Imonlydreaming · 28/08/2013 20:28

No worries leaven -I'm posting to he told to pull my act together! I need another outside perspective. Smile

I did say to him the other day that his lying has made it an unfair balance in that I made decisions about his need to stay away for work and other times eg going away to see a band all based on how honest I thought he was.
If I had to make those choices now it would be no -

We have had quite a traditional set up I guess as I was working pt, doing the majority of childcare and he was the main breadwinner. But he has always got up in the night/ taken them out to give me time/ had them when they've been ill/ I've been ill/ there's no CM/ I need to do an extra day etc
Does the housework etc not that it's any great deal just part of being the team I mentioned before

This year his attitude has got worse re dropping of DCs to CM and picking up it began to all fall to me mainly as he was away - one of the reasons we argued about it before.

OP posts:
Wellwobbly · 28/08/2013 20:42

Dreaming, this is a learning and growing curve for you too.

Time for you to let go, and time for him to be a father. They need to develop a relationship too.

And let him experience what you do, day in day out whilst he was indulging himeself with OW. Let him feel tired and frustrated and sleepless.

Oh, and if they scream for you? He should have thought about that instead of himself.

Stop keeping the silence and the shame. Tell people!

Leavenheath · 28/08/2013 20:43

Point taken.

But I'm not saying that these men aren't 'good'.

I'm saying that in my observation they are often a bit (or a lot) selfish, a bit (or a lot) entitled but it's precisely because they've got so many other good qualities, these traits kind of slip under the radar.

DH and I have a relative who had an affair. A nicer man you couldn't wish to meet. Always adored his wife and kids and would have been described as a 'hands-on dad'. But no way did he do as much as his wife, was always giving time to various hobbies, obsessions or get-rich-quick-schemes, was appallingly messy and untidy (we used to dread him staying over because he left the house like a tip) but on the face of it, seemed like a model doting husband and father.

As a side issue, I do notice how men who do what I'd regard as the minimum of childcare are often heroised for being great fathers. Whereas so much of this stuff is just expected of women and attracts no special mention.

Leavenheath · 28/08/2013 20:45

Looking back, when did he start to change then Dreaming? When did you notice he wasn't as willing to do things that previously he'd have taken in his stride?

How long ago (in months or years) did he first meet this woman?

Original poster
Imonlydreaming · 28/08/2013 21:08

He met her last year September ish time - they actually did work together then - I remember him talking about her now he said he didn't fancy her then (yeah right!)
we had a very very tough month nov/dec with DS being ill, then my DP have been ill on and off since then.
He started going out/ staying out more from march time
He says he met up with her again in May and they've physically met in person 3 times.

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 28/08/2013 21:25

He said 'he didn't fancy her'? Dear Goodness. That meant he was thinking about it then.

I've had innumerable work colleagues of the opposite sex. The very last thing I would be thinking about was how attractive they were. More like how many amendments I'd have to make to their reports or how their spreadsheets worked out.

cozietoesie · 28/08/2013 21:29

dreaming

What do you want now. Are you thinking of limping along with this busted flush? And if so, why?

inhibernation · 28/08/2013 22:22

Sorry you are going through this.
Lots of great advice on this thread.
We're not all the same but I'd want to go with him to an STI clinic and have him go through all the humiliation of tests, only getting my own done if any of his results were dodgy.
I'd demand complete transparency - passwords etc. & I'd trawl through Internet files and get deleted messages.
I'm the kind of person who needs all the information before I make a decision though - maybe it is not as crucial to you.
Another thing I'd check is whether he used any annual leave on her (telling you he was at work). I'd also go through his bank statements.
He needed attention........pathetic. Of course you deserve better. He's not even nearly measuring up.

Original poster
Imonlydreaming · 28/08/2013 22:34

He didn't just randomly say he didn't fancy her - I asked him today of she was the person I thought she was and he said yes - that's when I asked if he'd been attracted to her then and he said no

Tonight he's sleeping in the office - he's bought a camp bed and sleeping bag - seen the email tonight

OP posts:
Doha · 28/08/2013 22:37

If he is sleeping in the office has obviously hasn't made any longer term arrangements and presumes he will be back home pretty soon.

cozietoesie · 28/08/2013 22:37

So where was he sleeping before, eh?

You didn't respond to my question.

Original poster
Imonlydreaming · 28/08/2013 22:49

I honestly don't know what I want to do - apart from cry and cry Hmm

I still love him (there I've said it) but its the old him I want not the new very much less improved version

OP posts:
Original poster
Imonlydreaming · 28/08/2013 22:51

I don't know why he can't sleep at his colleagues house - either he wasn't sleeping there and was with OW
Or (and I doubt it) his colleague is disgusted by his behaviour and says he can't stay

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 28/08/2013 22:53

Fair enough. Adjusting is hard. Very hard.

inhibernation · 28/08/2013 22:56

Only you can set your limits. I'm not sure how he could ever redeem himself though.

Original poster
Imonlydreaming · 28/08/2013 22:58

And I can't believe how hard it is to stop Hmm
I always thought as PP have said this situation would be a no brainier for me - 1 strike and you're out, but its killing me to ignore his texts, not say I love you back when he said it as he left tonight

But then I close my eyes and I see the messages between him and OW filled with the same and xxxxxx ad infinitum

God I'm a mess

OP posts: