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Original poster

Putting 2+2 together and coming up with ....?

999 replies

Imonlydreaming · 12/08/2013 22:24

I can't actually believe that I am typing this but I am getting myself in a real tizz about this situation.
My DH has recently begun working a bit further from home and pretty soon after that he started to "stay over" first in hotels, and now in a work colleagues house. (A man if that makes a difference) 2-3 times a week.

The other day our phones were on the side and one of them went off - he said was it yours - not actually asking me to look at his but I did and he had a text that said "I love you xxxxxxxxx" - not from me.
He got up and came over when he saw me open his phone and said straightaway - I used to work with her. Then told me a story about another friend who'd done the same to him. I thought it was strange, but people do make mistakes like that don't they?

After that his phone has had a pass code on - which he told me was because someone at work had taken his phone and left it in a communal area - possibly as a joke. Perfectly plausible of the place he works at.

Today he was having trouble with the signal on his phone and I asked if I could have the number where he's staying and he said that his own mobile would work there. Not actually refusing to give it to me - said he'd do it later (but hasn't).

Well of course the reason I'm writing this down is that I'm suspicious - we haven't exactly been that physical recently - but with 2 toddlers who don't sleep through and lots of illness and other family issues/ illness it's just been a bad time.

Am I reading between the lines and seeing an issue that isn't there? I know that a bunch of strangers on the Internet can't tell me the answers. I just know I couldn't talk to anyone in RL and to ask him would open a can of worms - that I'm just not ready to face.

Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
MissStrawberry · 28/08/2013 14:53

TBH you shouldn't really have given him any hope, even if you felt you could get through this. Might make me a bitch but I feel he needs to suffer for what he has already done and for how he is treating you now!

He makes me sick and you are much too good for him.

Original poster
Imonlydreaming · 28/08/2013 15:11

I am making him suffer as much as I can Confused
I only say might/if when it seemed like he was giving up - but then that's my answer isn't it - of he won't tell me the information without the promise he doesn't really want to share - he should be saying look here's the proof or ok I come clean..... I shouldnt have to make him under duress Hmm
I really don't know if we can get through this - I so wanted to at first but it gets harder not easier

OP posts:
Wellwobbly · 28/08/2013 15:16

Dreaming, YOU go to the function with the children, and tell EVERYONE.

First, you will be amazed at how much support you get. Second, it is the start of showing yourself him how capable you are.

Let him wallow/lie/phone OW who suddenly won't be so hot.

Get out there, girl!

davidsotherhalf · 28/08/2013 15:23

silly question but I thought he was staying at a friends place in the week so he didn't have to drive home, so why is he staying in a hotel now? was it her house he was staying at?
my xh had an affair when we first got married, I tried to forgive him and move on but it ate away at me, never trusted him again and he would bring it up to hurt me every time we argued about anything.

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee · 28/08/2013 15:25

It is normal for the 'cheated on' partner to ask questions and go over it and over it - it is normal for the 'cheating partner' to get angry about this, they just want it swept under the rug.

My Ex said 'I just want to put this to bed'...

Cue me going through the roof - and leaving him in no uncertain terms about both the concept and the choice of words.

Your H does not have the right attitude to rebuild a relationship from the ground up, he just wants it 'as it was' and that isn't possible. He's fucked up 'what it was' for life.

PaleHousewifeOfCumbriaCounty · 28/08/2013 15:25

You must stop trying to keep his dirty secret. You deserve support from all those people

Trigglesx · 28/08/2013 15:36

He does not have the right to expect you to be quiet about this. You have every right to discuss it with family and friends. Yes, he'll be embarrassed. Shame he didn't think about that sooner. Hmm

Original poster
Imonlydreaming · 28/08/2013 15:38

I can't go - I'm not ready to face anyone and its his friends do - I only vaguely know the groom!
You all say it better than me- unless he's ready to work at this then there are no IFs and moving forwards

OP posts:
Original poster
Imonlydreaming · 28/08/2013 15:44

I know suspicious huh about the hotel not now staying at work colleagues - he explained that by saying he didn't want to involve anyone else

OP posts:
tessa6 · 28/08/2013 15:49

really suspicious. Not trying is a common way of getting the other person to end it so they can feel less like a villain, 'I said I wanted to try again but she was a bitch about it...' It's all about his life story, his narrative, his affair. He'll be with her most likely, sorry. It's shameful you should be left guessing like this.

The reason it gets harder not easier is because you become more objective and smarter. At the beginning you're in shock, and everyone's natural response is to turn to the person they love most for comfort. It takes a long time for it to sink in that the person closest to you is the source of the trauma, not the comfort from it. Very painful. Good luck.

ProphetOfDoom · 28/08/2013 15:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ProphetOfDoom · 28/08/2013 16:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tessa6 · 28/08/2013 16:08

Truth is, also what's hard for the betrayed partner to understand is that they are still loved and cared about by the cheater. The love doesn't disappear, that's why they had an affair rather than immediately leaving. So there's a real journey after the admitting where the cheater worries, genuinely and painfully, for their partner who they love and is in pain.

What this shouldn't be confused with is wanting to be with them. Wanting to be faithful. That's really really sad, and both partners have to struggle through a back and forth emotionally. The leaver isn't sat there drumming their fingers together looking machiavellian, they are desperately wading through their guilt and loss and fear and love.

The only way to tell about the want, rather than the love or guilt, is the certainty, immediacy of how wanting to stay is expressed and, most importantly, the ACTIONS that are taken. The more empathy and actions taken to make the betrayed feel safe and informed and in charge. Eg showing any messages, full disclosure, cutting off the OW and being open and proactive about healing. If this doesn't happen and happen fast and completely, there is almost no hope for recovery. It just depends how slowly and painfully their real 'want' gets revealed. That is often 'years', Hence why I warn against brushing under carpet. Congratulations on your insight, OP.

Leavenheath · 28/08/2013 16:33

I hadn't seen that post about him giving up before I posted last.

I'm even more sure now that he's still seeing the OW.

I expect he'll tell you that he realised you'd never believe or forgive him. Which would be an attempt to put the blame on to you for not being able to overlook the pesky facts that he's been financially, emotionally and sexually unfaithful while leaving you to bring up twins on your own 80% of the time. Frankly, any woman that rolled over and even tried to overlook that little lot would need her head testing. And he wouldn't have any respect for a woman who could, either.

To the OW though, I dare say he'll repackage all this as him making a definite choice of her over you and his family. A foolish woman might think she's won a great prize, but as they say, fools repent at leisure...

Right now he's playing both of you. Don't be the one to take his bait. Detach and stop talking about getting past this together.

Let him think he's lost you and just wait to see what he does.

FloraSpreadableMacDonald · 28/08/2013 16:39

I agree with above. Men are strange creatures and in my experience, when it looks like you are hetting your strength back and moving on, he will come running back. By then you may be in a place in your head where you dont want him.

FlatCapAndAWhippet · 28/08/2013 16:44

I would guess, from the way your posts are worded that there is a strong possibility you would take him back, nothing wrong with that, I couldn't and wouldn't, we're all different and I'm not questioning you, but if I feel it, then he must.

FlatCapAndAWhippet · 28/08/2013 16:45

That sentence is lacking full stops! :)

Leavenheath · 28/08/2013 16:55

Bottom line is he's offering nothing here, despite the OP's inducements.
If this were a business negotiation, the one who was offering all the price drops to a customer who still wasn't biting, would be the one without the power in the transaction.

Every time the OP conveys in her words that there's even a chance she'd take him back, it's the equivalent of a price drop or a devaluation.

And he's still not buying.

I expect that's because he's got an alternative 'supplier'.

Lord knows what he's telling the other supplier. Probably that he was the one who brought things to a head and told his wife he was leaving.

Original poster
Imonlydreaming · 28/08/2013 17:00

I have come out for a walk - left him to collect DCs and be with them for a bit, sitting Drinking a coffee in peace.

I saw him just as I left - he looks terrible he asked how I was and I said tired - he said I suppose you're not sleeping like me - I thought good Shock

I asked if he'd contacted OW he said only to tell her it's over again and shed not replied - well he doesn't deserve one

He wondered if I wanted him to take the DCs this weekend. He's never done an overnight alone, let alone a long journey - not sure it would be fair on the DCs - maybe he thinks it would look better if he could say I'm ill and that's why I'm not there. (And therefore he's great because he's got the kids)

OP posts:
Leavenheath · 28/08/2013 17:04

I should think that's a lie about ending it with the OW.

I'd say yes to him having the kids for the weekend. He's going to have to get used to it, isn't he? Plus you probably need a break and the space.

Who cares what his motive is for doing that? Plus if any of his mates thinks he's father-of-the-year for looking after his own kids without his wife, more fool them and are people not worth bothering about.

If I see a father looking after his own kids, it doesn't even register. Why should it?

Original poster
Imonlydreaming · 28/08/2013 17:07

I have come out for a walk - left him to collect DCs and be with them for a bit, sitting Drinking a coffee in peace.

I saw him just as I left - he looks terrible he asked how I was and I said tired - he said I suppose you're not sleeping like me - I thought good Shock

I asked if he'd contacted OW he said only to tell her it's over again and shed not replied - well he doesn't deserve one

He wondered if I wanted him to take the DCs this weekend. He's never done an overnight alone, let alone a long journey - not sure it would be fair on the DCs - maybe he thinks it would look better if he could say I'm ill and that's why I'm not there. (And therefore he's great because he's got the kids)

OP posts:
Original poster
Imonlydreaming · 28/08/2013 17:08

Sorry for double post said it hadn't sent

OP posts:
tessa6 · 28/08/2013 17:09

He's never done an overnight alone, let alone a long journey. He sounds like another child, your assistant, not a father. He needs to get used to being a man, not a boy.

He wanted to point out how badly he's sleeping to gain powerful sympathy from you and maybe give you hope.

there is no point asking questions like that, OP regarding contacting the OW. I know you have an honesty bias meaning you'll believe him over not, but I'm afraid he as likely to lie as tell the truth, more likely.

tessa6 · 28/08/2013 17:11

I think you're right that he wants the kids so that the story can't be that he abandoned him to shack up with his mistress. It should be entirely up to you, OP. If you'd prefer some time alone, go for it. He's their father for god's sake. He needs to be able to take them alone for a whole weekend, especially now.

Original poster
Imonlydreaming · 28/08/2013 17:15

I said no immediately and then wondered if I shouldn't - the truth is I don't want them to go.
That's an issue right there isn't itHmm

I had to spend time away from them when they were in SCBU and I've not done it since. Had nights/ days out but always come home even if its after bedtime so I can see them the next day

OP posts: