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Original poster

Putting 2+2 together and coming up with ....?

999 replies

Imonlydreaming · 12/08/2013 22:24

I can't actually believe that I am typing this but I am getting myself in a real tizz about this situation.
My DH has recently begun working a bit further from home and pretty soon after that he started to "stay over" first in hotels, and now in a work colleagues house. (A man if that makes a difference) 2-3 times a week.

The other day our phones were on the side and one of them went off - he said was it yours - not actually asking me to look at his but I did and he had a text that said "I love you xxxxxxxxx" - not from me.
He got up and came over when he saw me open his phone and said straightaway - I used to work with her. Then told me a story about another friend who'd done the same to him. I thought it was strange, but people do make mistakes like that don't they?

After that his phone has had a pass code on - which he told me was because someone at work had taken his phone and left it in a communal area - possibly as a joke. Perfectly plausible of the place he works at.

Today he was having trouble with the signal on his phone and I asked if I could have the number where he's staying and he said that his own mobile would work there. Not actually refusing to give it to me - said he'd do it later (but hasn't).

Well of course the reason I'm writing this down is that I'm suspicious - we haven't exactly been that physical recently - but with 2 toddlers who don't sleep through and lots of illness and other family issues/ illness it's just been a bad time.

Am I reading between the lines and seeing an issue that isn't there? I know that a bunch of strangers on the Internet can't tell me the answers. I just know I couldn't talk to anyone in RL and to ask him would open a can of worms - that I'm just not ready to face.

Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
AintNobodyGotTimeFerThat · 27/08/2013 21:19

I am so sorry that you have found this all out OP.

I think tomorrow having a bit of headspace will really help though.

Sometimes sorry isn't enough though and it's OK not to forgive. You don't owe him forgiveness, nobody can owe someone that.

Quiltcover · 27/08/2013 21:29

I agree that aspects of him are definitely not great and I probably used the wrong word. But people make mistakes, some mistakes cannot be forgiven. Things are not always black and white. We can all list things about ourselves which would not make us great spouses in every aspect. I agree his behaviour has been abhorrent. But only the op knows really what her dh is like.
I do not think I could forgive my dh, but really you have to look at everything. Walk away from a very long term relationship without exploring every option. This is why allowing time to think and evaluate us the best way forward.
Not everyone wants to ltb, just because some if us might.
However, no decision can even be contemplated before total transparency is given.

cozietoesie · 27/08/2013 21:31

That's a pretty positive post really, Quiltcover. Sadly (and I'm truly sorry to say this dreaming) I think that the OP's marriage is a bust. The relationship has been screwed up and over, there's no honesty left - in fact he's still lying through his teeth in my view - and I can't see how she could ever trust him again. Even to go down to the shops to get an extra onion.

Myself, I'd be heading down to the solicitor first thing tomorrow morning. This is not something I would normally say so forthrightly.

JoinYourPlayfellows · 27/08/2013 21:33

I totally agree with you about give it time.

And also that there is no point in even considering forgiveness while he is still being so dishonest.

Imonly - he's not on your team any more.

Maybe he was once. And maybe he will be again one day.

But right now he is playing against you.

And he is winning.

He has the money, he has the time and space to conduct a second sexual relationship while you struggle at home alone, he has the truth about his girlfriend and he is keeping it from you.

For now, you are on your own.

Original poster
Imonlydreaming · 27/08/2013 21:49

Quilt covers is right to say he was great - was Hmm

OP posts:
Quiltcover · 27/08/2013 22:00

God-crap with words sometimes. How dream described him sounded great. Probably many aspects of him are. Many aspects of him are not great too.
Hope you're ok dream.

JoinYourPlayfellows · 27/08/2013 22:04

He really is (was) the man who would do anything for anyone

That's a better quality if you're "anyone" than if your one of the people who has to rely on the person.

It often comes with a big dollop of disloyalty and vanity, which it would seem this guy has in spades.

Original poster
Imonlydreaming · 27/08/2013 22:36

We're due to go to a function this weekend - DC are looking forward to it (and I was)
I honestly don't know what to do about it Confused
It involves travel and staying over - do we put it all aside for this event?

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 27/08/2013 22:41

I'd put it aside, myself. He's going to try to sleep with you, you do realize? 'Make everything OK' by a bit of sex - 'You're the only one who really does it for me, darling.'

FloraSpreadableMacDonald · 27/08/2013 22:41

You go to the function without him. Take the DC. If you don't want people to know just yet, then just say he wasnt feeling well.

cozietoesie · 27/08/2013 22:43

Sorry - I mis read your post. There's no way on earth i would go.

Yseulte · 27/08/2013 22:45

I would tell him you and the dcs are going alone and if he threatens to play tag along, tell him if he does you will be forced to be honest about what is going on in your marriage.

BabylonReturns · 27/08/2013 22:49

I'm sorry this is happening op, you sound strong, you will get through this.

Original poster
Imonlydreaming · 27/08/2013 22:50

Have started watching the politicians wife - thank you for the recommendation - I adore Juliet Stephenson since Truly, Madly, Deeply and her Nora in ibsen's the dolls house

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 27/08/2013 22:53

Watch it to the end - uncomfortable though it may be.

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee · 27/08/2013 22:53

No, one of you goes with the children, the other makes their excuses. Don't even contemplate going together.

I don't know what other words to use, or how better to explain it to you - but he's walking all over you and because you love him, you are letting him :( He does not have what it takes to rebuild a relationship. In time, if you stay apart, you will see him for the man he is not the man you thought he was.

Quiltcover · 27/08/2013 22:59

Do not go the function as a cou

voddiekeepsmesane · 27/08/2013 23:03

dreaming I have been following this thread since the beginning. I really really wanted it to just be the fact that he was needing a kick up bum in regards to spending too much time at work.

I see now that it is so much more than that and I am truly sorry. I too had a shock like this 8 months ago. I was one of those people that said if it ever happened to me he would be kicked to the other side of the moon. But as others have said when it happens it's not so black and white.

Does any of this sound familiar... You can not believe the man you trusted and loved could do this and not actually think about you or your children and how it would affect your family. You start to think about all the times you have had as a family and alone and see them in a whole new light. Self doubt starts to sneak in... was it something I did/didn't do? You feel numb, strangely calm, yet can burst into an emotional wreck at the drop of a hat. All very normal. The first month I was on automatic.

A few things helped but they HAVE to involve both of you to be completely open and honest. Full disclosure had to happen and until it does there is no moving on. ALL contact must stop and all phone numbers etc deleted. You have to be able to look at his phone/laptop etc at all times you may not want to look but there should be no passwords or anything and also no comeback from him if you do look.

He has to realise if he wants to make it work that your trust has to earned back, if it can. You are entitled to feel bereaved. You are entitled to know where he is what he is doing at all times. He is entitled to nothing from you.

Slowly things can get better. Me and DP are slowly getting there. We read Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass it really helped both of us.

I know this is only one take of what can happen and how to start to deal with things but I hope it helps a little.

Flowers
Quiltcover · 27/08/2013 23:03

Do not go the function as a couple. This is your first opportunity to show him that things have really changed and he will have to face the consequences. Family life does not just carry on. Please do not hand him this opportunity to present a family unit, if you are at all contemplating staying with him, please do not roll over at this stage. If in doubt just think he was fucking another woman while you were at home feeding and bathing his children, ironing his clothes and sending him texts good night. Remember that thought for a while. Harsh I know, but y

Quiltcover · 27/08/2013 23:04

You need to think very carefully and with respect and kindness to yourself. You are in position to be playing happy families.

tessa6 · 27/08/2013 23:04

Don't go to the function, dreaming. the more 'normal' things you do the more it will get brushed under the carpet. Please, you're setting yourself up for a wasted few years. Keep strong.

Quiltcover · 27/08/2013 23:06

no position

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 28/08/2013 00:09

I blinked at "silly mistake" - glad you clarified that was his description. It must all seem a nightmare from which you just want to wake up Sad.

I couldn't contemplate attending next weekend's event tbh. This wasn't a ONS fuelled by drink during a long absence. This happened over weeks or months. He wasn't a short term bf hit by a sudden impulse, it was your H your children's father taking advantage of your trust in him. At what point would he have deigned to let you in on this if you hadn't have finally realised?

I hope you're not now brooding over "What did I do to drive him to this?" if he has hinted at any unhappiness. Because any genuine relationship problems that existed before this mess wouldn't entitle him to sneak around behind your back lavishing time and money on another sexual partner.

Original poster
Imonlydreaming · 28/08/2013 00:15

He seems to be slowly getting the message and not such a barrage of texts
He has finally deleted OW on fb, but as she has his mobile and work mobile that shows me nothing. Pity it took him 3 days!
I will have to see him tomorrow as he needs more clothes and wants to see the DC
I haven't yet asked where he's actually staying - do I want to know?
Still haven't told anyone IRL - I wonder if he has? Although his colleagues "knew" as he was apparantly meeting her during the day from work Shock
And then obv he needed to work late Hmm

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 28/08/2013 00:27

"Our friends warned him not to mess it up with me - (as I said he had a turbulent relationship in the past)

They thought I'd never go out with him - different backgrounds, educational level, a bit of a bad boy (in their eyes) but (did have) same moral position on many things and shared many opinions eg politically, socially"

'Same moral position' -- 'shared many opinions' = words, words, words, really.
Words cost nothing.
A person trying to get someone else for himself could easily mirror opinions, moral stances, etc., and come off very convincing. Convincing you that you and he had a lot in common would have been a way to get you to get involved with him.

What did 'bit of a bad boy' involve and how did he mess up the relationship with the other woman? What does 'turbulent' mean?

His family fights and are not in contact much?

He told you (upthread) lately that you don't need him any more -- is he jealous of the babies? They needed a good deal of care early on.
'He says he needed attention.
As if having twins who are constantly ill , 2 sick parents (one in hospital now) very little RL support and a job meant I was selfish and couldn't give him my time'
He does a lot for others this is a way to stay in other people's radar and keep on getting their attention and praise and feelings of being needed friends and people he has done favours for will refer to him as 'good old XYZ'. There is instant gratification of the ego needs there, whereas marriage is for people whose egos can handle the long haul -- no spouse is going to buy you a pint or clap you on the back for gardening or cleaning the bathroom. The impressing others thing wears thin in marriage. No spouse is going to be that impressed every single time.

I don't think you have a nice man here. He sounds really immature.

Also, what did he spend the loan on? What CCard bills and what expenses? Ask him to provide access to his account, and past statements. You can check online. Also, ask him for itemised expenses. My guess is he has blown a lot of money on this trollop.

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