Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Putting 2+2 together and coming up with ....?

999 replies

Imonlydreaming · 12/08/2013 22:24

I can't actually believe that I am typing this but I am getting myself in a real tizz about this situation.
My DH has recently begun working a bit further from home and pretty soon after that he started to "stay over" first in hotels, and now in a work colleagues house. (A man if that makes a difference) 2-3 times a week.

The other day our phones were on the side and one of them went off - he said was it yours - not actually asking me to look at his but I did and he had a text that said "I love you xxxxxxxxx" - not from me.
He got up and came over when he saw me open his phone and said straightaway - I used to work with her. Then told me a story about another friend who'd done the same to him. I thought it was strange, but people do make mistakes like that don't they?

After that his phone has had a pass code on - which he told me was because someone at work had taken his phone and left it in a communal area - possibly as a joke. Perfectly plausible of the place he works at.

Today he was having trouble with the signal on his phone and I asked if I could have the number where he's staying and he said that his own mobile would work there. Not actually refusing to give it to me - said he'd do it later (but hasn't).

Well of course the reason I'm writing this down is that I'm suspicious - we haven't exactly been that physical recently - but with 2 toddlers who don't sleep through and lots of illness and other family issues/ illness it's just been a bad time.

Am I reading between the lines and seeing an issue that isn't there? I know that a bunch of strangers on the Internet can't tell me the answers. I just know I couldn't talk to anyone in RL and to ask him would open a can of worms - that I'm just not ready to face.

Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
Mixxy · 27/08/2013 10:12

Who is "going to the park"? Nobody!

He's not taking twins anywhere is he? Is this normal for him?

Or is it the park he's sleeping in?

Don't let him rattle you. He has secret loans. Tell to splash for a new one later.

Original poster
Imonlydreaming · 27/08/2013 10:20

Oh yes it definitely fits with the needing the OW - its what I was trying to make him see that his attitude overall has to stop as it has led him somewhere he professes he doesn't want to be

OP posts:
Original poster
Imonlydreaming · 27/08/2013 10:22

No I mean me and DTs going to the park - the bag is in his car - just facing that problem which is just so minor and would normally not be a problem has thrown me

OP posts:
Mixxy · 27/08/2013 10:26

You don't need the bag unless it has inhalers or anything else medical the kids might need.

He's looking to worm his way back in. Please see this is part of the script. He's still in control of the conversation. Text him back saying you weren't planning on taking the kids to the park today and don't need anything from the car. That's it. Let him sweat it- not you.

Did you get a cuppa and a shower?

Motheatenwardrobeofdross · 27/08/2013 10:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mixxy · 27/08/2013 10:36

Sorry, but screw that motheaten! Get the kids sorted this morning and focus on not engaging with him.

Quiltcover · 27/08/2013 10:36

Do you know who she is? Have you found her on FB?
You are doing great. He is probably feeling very out of control at the moment.

mpi · 27/08/2013 10:38

doubt will eat away at you......insist on the landline and then try to find out who it belongs to...if he refuses to give you it ...then why not get someone to look after the kids and follow him and find out where he stays and with whom...

Original poster
Imonlydreaming · 27/08/2013 10:39

I know her name and company she works for and name of place she lives
While I'd love to send her a message saying "you're welcome to him - well done - you knew he was married yet you still carried on" etc etc
A) I'm not 12
B) she was being lied to too - he was saying he loved her wanted to be a couple and they were discussing contraception
I did actually say that I felt sorry for her because of this (but only a little bit she did know what she was being herself into) Confused

OP posts:
Trigglesx · 27/08/2013 10:51

Imonlydreaming That's the best way of looking at it IMO. When you get right down to brass tacks, who cares what she has to say? I wouldn't waste time contacting her. The problem lies with him and his inability to maintain a mature faithful relationship. You've asked him to go, and he's going to keep whittling away at you until you make a stand and tell him basically to back off.

From his point of view, he needs to get you on-side. That means trying to having "normal" conversations and interactions with you, which he is hoping will lull you back into normal and ease you into falling back into routine and taking him back. He will lie about how involved they were and minimise what you DO know about until further information comes to light - then he will initially deny again and then minimise. He will get angry and defensive any time you question him about his behaviour as that is counterproductive to what he wants. When you get angry, he will become sad and distressed about how he's "thrown away the best thing (presumably you) he's ever had" and he's "doesn't deserve you" or some such drivel - to placate you and make you think he is feeling badly. Then he will blithely go back to her and tell her he's trying to sort things out but you're being "difficult" and refusing to cooperate - that you still want him or that you "need" him. Trying to keep both of you on-side.

He is most likely NOT sorry about anything other than being caught out.

Quiltcover · 27/08/2013 11:00

Nobody discusses the female going to the gp for contraception unless they've had sex. Sex with condoms first and then when things are more established the pill is discussed (subject to std discussion etc).
This sounds like an affair/fling that is fairly established. Your dh has loved the ego stroking of a new woman and been feeding her and you a load of lines. She has no moral compass, sexting, sleeping and getting it on with a married man. Really is very poor form. He family and patents would be so proud...
Your dh has been caught out, it's very early days. He has lost control of the situation and doesn't like it one bit.

You have to think what you really want, there is absolutely no rush and no pressure. Let him stew, his world gas crashed around him too, but he is no longer in the driving seat.
Have you met the ow before?

Quiltcover · 27/08/2013 11:01

parents

clam · 27/08/2013 11:02

They've discussed contraception?! I missed that.

And he's still trying to convince you they haven't had sex? Yeah, right.

YoniMatopoeia · 27/08/2013 12:41

Dreaming. So sorry you aregoing through this Sad

Please do try to find some rl support. There must be one friend you can tell. Don't worry if you think they will be to busy etc. If you were my rl friend I would be with you in a shot.

Original poster
Imonlydreaming · 27/08/2013 14:20

Well made it out of the house eventually! We went to the park the DCs enjoyed it - I felt a bit lonely everyone else was there with friends and where I would have chatted I just didn't feel up to it.
Feeling exhausted now but it's nearly nap time for DTs so may try and rest then

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 27/08/2013 15:29

So many excellent and astute posts here.

Glad you made it out Dreaming. Your life is going to feel very improvised and unfamiliar for a bit but you have already managed to adapt and hold it together enough to get a little fun for the DCs. Well done. You are a brave woman. Small steps forward and pat yourself on the back (try to feel the massive amount of patting coming your way from here too).

Wellwobbly · 27/08/2013 15:39

Wow Dreaming, I remember that. Watching people innocently chatting and feeling outside their bubble and staying silent because of what I knew, feeling shamed and sort of 'fallen'.

Horrible.

Original poster
Imonlydreaming · 27/08/2013 15:54

He keeps sending me texts and fb messages saying he loves me Hmm

OP posts:
Trigglesx · 27/08/2013 15:59

Ignore. He's trying to keep you off balance. Next he will most likely attempt to shift the blame to the OW, so that you and he can "unite" over what he will term her "bunny boiler" behaviour.

Wellwobbly · 27/08/2013 16:24

Dreaming don't get side tracked and don't reply!

Was he sending you texts etc when he was tucked up in his other life? NO. He wasn't thinking of you at all.

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee · 27/08/2013 16:37

I'd reply something like 'Oh really? Funny that you didn't think about that before having an affair with x. So STFU because I don't want to hear it. Too little, too late'.

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee · 27/08/2013 16:38

I would reply, just the once, making it very clear that I didn't want to hear it. If he kept doing it I would tell him that if he doesn't stop I will file an harassment complaint. It is hard to think when they keep texting shit like that IMO.

MissStrawberry · 27/08/2013 16:47

Ignore. Just all part of the script.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 27/08/2013 17:19

Just adding to chorus of praise for your courage Imonlydreaming. Early on in this thread you said you'd always thought of yourself as a strong person. You are, it's not weakness to have been loving and trusting. Now ignore the carefully contrived texts and FB messages which are tugs at your heartstrings, words are cheap.

MexicanHat · 27/08/2013 17:37

You are doing amazing OP. Stay strong. (((hugs)))