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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Putting 2+2 together and coming up with ....?

999 replies

Imonlydreaming · 12/08/2013 22:24

I can't actually believe that I am typing this but I am getting myself in a real tizz about this situation.
My DH has recently begun working a bit further from home and pretty soon after that he started to "stay over" first in hotels, and now in a work colleagues house. (A man if that makes a difference) 2-3 times a week.

The other day our phones were on the side and one of them went off - he said was it yours - not actually asking me to look at his but I did and he had a text that said "I love you xxxxxxxxx" - not from me.
He got up and came over when he saw me open his phone and said straightaway - I used to work with her. Then told me a story about another friend who'd done the same to him. I thought it was strange, but people do make mistakes like that don't they?

After that his phone has had a pass code on - which he told me was because someone at work had taken his phone and left it in a communal area - possibly as a joke. Perfectly plausible of the place he works at.

Today he was having trouble with the signal on his phone and I asked if I could have the number where he's staying and he said that his own mobile would work there. Not actually refusing to give it to me - said he'd do it later (but hasn't).

Well of course the reason I'm writing this down is that I'm suspicious - we haven't exactly been that physical recently - but with 2 toddlers who don't sleep through and lots of illness and other family issues/ illness it's just been a bad time.

Am I reading between the lines and seeing an issue that isn't there? I know that a bunch of strangers on the Internet can't tell me the answers. I just know I couldn't talk to anyone in RL and to ask him would open a can of worms - that I'm just not ready to face.

Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
LookingForwardToVino · 26/08/2013 20:03

alpha how do you do that?

(I deleted some old messages between me and dh I'd love to get back!)

marimeifod · 26/08/2013 20:08

I just read the whole of this thread. I am so, so sorry, OP. FWIW, while others have made the point that you don't have conclusive evidence, the facts you have described sound extremely persuasive. You must trust yourself and stay strong, and above all, respect yourself. The hardest thing in the place where you are now is believing that anything can ever be OK ever again. Well, it can. it will be a bumpy road, but it will be OK again.
You will need to seriously reflect on whether your self, identity and relationship can survive this situation as a couple, or whether the better option for you and your kids is to separate and start afresh. Meantime, make sure you're sleeping and eating, and have someone to talk this through with. THERE IS NO SHAME ON YOU.
Hugs and best wishes.

alphacourse · 26/08/2013 21:19

lOoking I will log on and remind myself and post.

LookingForwardToVino · 26/08/2013 21:22

Thanks Alpha

Quite excited that I might get them back Grin

alphacourse · 26/08/2013 21:39

Right. Log on. Go to the settings icon on the far right (like a spoked wheel). Choose "account settings". A screen pops up with General Account Settings (name, username, email etc). At the bottom of that list is "Download a copy of your Facebook data". It will send a link to your email address.

Trigglesx · 26/08/2013 21:41

That would send it to his email, right? not hers...

alphacourse · 26/08/2013 21:48

Yes - to his email.

LookingForwardToVino · 26/08/2013 21:49

Brilliant, thanks Alpha!

I shall give that a go now

Original poster
Imonlydreaming · 26/08/2013 22:37

We had a long chat - he eventually "remembered" how much the loan was for - he hasn't wanted to worry me etc etc

I told him that he was bit by it cutting me out of his life so that conducting his affair wasn't a problem for him

He told me that while he feels guilty now he didn't at the time

I told him he had to end it and he texted her - I asked why she's still in his contacts/ fb he didn't know and denied it was because he wanted to keep his options open

We talked about being a team - how we've always made decisions together

I asked him what he would say to our DD if this happened to her
He said he'd kill them

I told him the options left were both far from easy 1) he stays and we try to make time for us to all things through to rebuild our relationship
2) he goes because that's what he said I should do and after all I've been on my own so much lately

I asked him to go Sad and now I'm sobbing and he left sobbing and I feel so dreadful

OP posts:
alphacourse · 26/08/2013 22:41

Oh, sweetie Wine

You have done the right thing because he needs to understand that you won't be walked over. i am in the middle of doing the same thing myself. I think that he needs to go until he admits everything, and shows you evidence. You won't be able to rebuild anything until you know the facts of what has happened.

ZadokTheBeast · 26/08/2013 22:43

dreaming hand holding. It's okay. It WILL be okay. Shit, shit, shit. I know how this feels. Try to keep as calm as you can, I imagine the DCs are in bed - don't try to plan or force yourself to feel how you think you should - just get through the actions of getting yourself a drink or a cup of coffee, tidying up the toys, whatever you would normally do in the evening. You have tons of time to figure out how you want to play this horrible situation, please just do your best to get yourself through this evening as calmly as you can.

skyeskyeskye · 26/08/2013 22:44

:( sorry, but you have done the right thing for now. You need the time and space to process what is happening and what he has done to you.

Please get some RL help from a friend. Keep posting on here, you will get lots of support.

He needs to see what he is losing, in order to get a big shock and you need the space to work out what you want to happen next.

it's a very good point about how he would feel if somebody did this to DD. i said the same to my XH. He just ignored my comment because he didn't have an answer..

2anddone · 26/08/2013 22:45

Don't feel dreadful OP I would guess he will go straight to OW. Can you get some RL support maybe a friend can come and stay tonight. Have you discussed when you will see him again? I would make him be there when you tell dc he is the reason for this. Stay strong x

PaleHousewifeOfCumbriaCounty · 26/08/2013 22:45

HAndholding from me too

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee · 26/08/2013 22:45

You have done the right thing. Really you have.

Is this a 'asked him to go for a few days while I think' or a 'asked him to go for good'?

He keeps proving to you that he doesn't have it in him to do what it would take to rebuild your relationship from the ground up. Most people don't.

cozietoesie · 26/08/2013 22:51

dreaming

He's sobbing because he's feeling sorry for himself. You've acted well.

Now go and take care of yourself. have you eaten or bathed today? (Since you got back from the hospital.)

Original poster
Imonlydreaming · 26/08/2013 23:03

My thoughts are all over the place

We ate with the children - I prepared it all yesterday and I wanted to have some normality for them - they saw I'd been crying earlier and asked what was wrong. My DD even got her dr kit out Hmm

I do wonder where he'll go - he was angry at first that I'd asked him to go so late but did say he wasn't angry at me

I've said it's for a few days while I get my head together - obviously where he stays / what he does next will be huge factors in that

Still denies sleeping with her - from what I saw they were planning it though she'd been to the dr to sort out her contraception

They'd met in person 3 times apparantly -although I can believe from him the love yous starting soon as he was like that with me at first very intense and proposed after only a couple of months together. He asked me 4 times in the end before I said yes.

This is a harsh reality to face

OP posts:
FloraSpreadableMacDonald · 26/08/2013 23:23

I'm sorry only dreaming. He is a very silly man. You seem such a caring and considerate wife, whilst he has his head in the clouds. Some space from him will allow you to make some decisions. I'm 4 weeks down the line from my DP leaving me and our DC. I am feeling better. You can do this for your children and you. One day you will wake up and know what you did was for the best, big hugs.

cozietoesie · 26/08/2013 23:25

Yes, it's harsh. But you acted well.

And I still wouldn't believe more than a quarter of what he says. (And I include prepositions in that count.)

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee · 26/08/2013 23:30

Obviously none of us can say for sure whether they had sex or not, but I'll eat my laptop if they haven't. No man stays away that many nights a week, when the commute is only 1.5hrs if he isn't having sex with someone else. He is still bullshitting you to the max :(

hairclipcloe · 26/08/2013 23:36

You're being very brave OP. I think all the tears are for himself though and you mustn't get distracted by his pity party. He is clearly minimising and probably lying from what you have posted - they haven't had sex and yet there was all the shifty behaviour and excuses regarding his nights away from home - can you believe him now?

You now have to look out for you and your kids regardless of how this plays out. You must put yourselves in all this first. He has broken your trust and he is now on the outside and if he wants back in he has to walk on burning coals and all that shit. I hope that makes sense - sending you positive vibes xxxx

tessa6 · 26/08/2013 23:36

yes dreaming, please remember his first instinct was to lie, all cheaters minimise, many never tell the whole truth ever. the idea that he is now suddenly going to be completely honest with you is highly highly unlikely. I know it's terribly sad but don't let your sadness obscure that this is the right thing to do. Sadness is natural, it doesn't mean you're doing anything that's a mistake.

Isatdownandwept · 26/08/2013 23:47

They only met 3 times, never had sex, yet he had her address in the sat nav? You were getting nowhere with all this bullshit so you've done the right thing.

Do you have findmyphone app up and running on your apple devices? If you do you can log in and track where he is (if he has iphone/ipad with him)You don't need to ping it to get a location so he won't know you're checking.

Original poster
Imonlydreaming · 27/08/2013 00:24

I did query the satnav I thought it was strange too
The two things that I keep coming back to in my head are he chose to "text" her in the evenings rather than me - if he was with her why was he texting her and if he wasn't there surely you text the I love yous to your DW. (Yes I know I know)

Secondly he keeps saying he had a great holiday yet he went off to message her every night practically - it really can't have been that good?
Although I did a schoolgirl thing and made sure he was tagged in every photo on FB because I know OW would see Hmm

OP posts:
ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee · 27/08/2013 00:40

Yep - he choose to text her, not you. He chose to put his emotional energy into speaking to her, not his wife and children.

It doesn't matter how good it is with you - the excitement of having someone new, someone who laps up everything he says and does, someone who only ever has to show them their fun & sexy side is something you simply cannot compete with - nor should you have to!

I don't know many who wouldn't have tagged him in every photo (or the equivalent). However, I'm sure he was telling her what a crap time he was having, how he wishes he was with her instead, how he had to go because he'd promised you & the kids, how you wouldn't cope if he told you about her... blah blah scripted blah.