Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Putting 2+2 together and coming up with ....?

999 replies

Imonlydreaming · 12/08/2013 22:24

I can't actually believe that I am typing this but I am getting myself in a real tizz about this situation.
My DH has recently begun working a bit further from home and pretty soon after that he started to "stay over" first in hotels, and now in a work colleagues house. (A man if that makes a difference) 2-3 times a week.

The other day our phones were on the side and one of them went off - he said was it yours - not actually asking me to look at his but I did and he had a text that said "I love you xxxxxxxxx" - not from me.
He got up and came over when he saw me open his phone and said straightaway - I used to work with her. Then told me a story about another friend who'd done the same to him. I thought it was strange, but people do make mistakes like that don't they?

After that his phone has had a pass code on - which he told me was because someone at work had taken his phone and left it in a communal area - possibly as a joke. Perfectly plausible of the place he works at.

Today he was having trouble with the signal on his phone and I asked if I could have the number where he's staying and he said that his own mobile would work there. Not actually refusing to give it to me - said he'd do it later (but hasn't).

Well of course the reason I'm writing this down is that I'm suspicious - we haven't exactly been that physical recently - but with 2 toddlers who don't sleep through and lots of illness and other family issues/ illness it's just been a bad time.

Am I reading between the lines and seeing an issue that isn't there? I know that a bunch of strangers on the Internet can't tell me the answers. I just know I couldn't talk to anyone in RL and to ask him would open a can of worms - that I'm just not ready to face.

Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
Original poster
Imonlydreaming · 26/08/2013 12:00

Just sitting in a quiet spot now - town very busy today full of tourists and young families Hmm
I've done my good deed for the day by reuniting a walker with his walking group Smile
I need to get home though - the DCs need me (and I need them) it was hard to leave them
Going to see my mum is non negotiable she's been in hospital for a month now and due to many factors (not least him "working away") I've only seen her a couple of times she misses the DC and I don't want to deal with them and her together alone.

OP posts:
34DD · 26/08/2013 12:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cozietoesie · 26/08/2013 12:23

Have as good a visit with your Mum as you can. You'll feel better for having been out when you get back. Not necessarily 'great' - but you'll be the better for it. And for your good deed.

DelayedActionMouseMaker · 26/08/2013 12:55

I hope the hospital visit goes as well as possible. I'm away for a few days now and not sure i'll have wifi, but I will be thinking of you and sending you virtual strength vibes.

I believe you have what it takes to go it alone and to stand up to your husband. You are halfway there already in looking after your dc on your own so much of the time. Courage.

skyeskyeskye · 26/08/2013 13:06

I agree that he needs to ring OW in front of you and tell her that you know and that it is over. He also needs to hand over his phone, although he has probably deleted everything by now. My XH deleted thousands of texts as there was nothing on his phone yet they were on his bill.

He will also be returning home each night now I presume, if you're not asking him to leave?

It has gone beyond texting, it must have if they are at the ILY point and he was staying away overnight.

You need to find your anger at the way you are being betrayed by him. Ask to see credit card bills to see why he needed a loan. If he is lying about the amount, that is another huge betrayal too.

Only you can decide if you want to save your marriage, but he has to want to as well. He needs to be 100% honest with you, you will need counselling to talk it through and ultimately, you also need to be able to forgive. It's a long hard road to go down.

At the moment he is still lying and hiding which means there is a lot more to come out

akaWisey · 26/08/2013 13:30

zadok my experience EXACTLY and I really couldn't have put it better myself - you have it right there on the button.

Wellwobbly · 26/08/2013 14:20

You believe him and you are being too passive and going along with him (I know, it is hard to change the habits of a relationship)

... all mistakes I made and they are FATAL.

Dreaming. Listen to me. You HAVE to come out of shock, now. Where is he staying tonight?

PAsSweetOrangeLurve · 26/08/2013 15:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EhricLovesTeamQhuay · 26/08/2013 16:53

You don't really believe that they don't have sex do you?

Jarlin · 26/08/2013 17:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pregnantpause · 26/08/2013 17:29

I'm so sorry, but you Know that in regards to the financial secrets he held he has only admitted half of the truth. You know therefore that he is still comfortable lying and minimising. If he's told you half of the truth in regards to his debt, you can bet he hasn't told you the whole truth regarding his owSad

He is still in control of the situation. Very much so. He still refused full access, he still feels that he can lie, or withhold truth from you. He won't let you see the messages? To protect you? If he was concerned about your feelings he wouldn't have sent them, it should not be for him at this point to dictate how much you know about his affair. Those messages would have proved that the texts weren't just texts. How dare he treat you like a child, not allowing you access, not wanting to worry or hurt you, you are his equal partner, and deserve to know all of the terms of the relationship you're in.

LookingForwardToVino · 26/08/2013 17:36

Come on dreaming you need to wake up!

I would bet my house that he is still in contact, sending lurve messages to ow etc.

He basically wants you to keep looking after his kids and home. He gets to look like the respectable husband and father. And he gets to have his exciting illicit fucks with the ow.

Is he at hers work again tonight?

You are worth much more than that.

LookingForwardToVino · 26/08/2013 17:38

Also agree that he will not let you see the messages because they would make it clear as day that this went waaaay past messages.

(Who says they love someone they haven't been intimate with???)

Trigglesx · 26/08/2013 17:50

How dare he treat you like a child, not allowing you access, not wanting to worry or hurt you, you are his equal partner, and deserve to know all of the terms of the relationship you're in.

This, exactly. It really smacks of "I know better than you, dear, and you should just trust me." When he's already shown he's not worthy of your trust.

You need to get angry IMO.

Original poster
Imonlydreaming · 26/08/2013 17:54

He came to hospital too would have been "odd" to my parents if he wasn't there.
Hopefully he felt pretty rubbish when my mum was singing his praises and saying how hard he'd been working.

He's deleted the fb messages and texts but she's still a fb friend will be telling him to delete her later with proof he has ended it

She's probably still a contact on work phone I'll ask to see that later

They used to work together but he's recently been talking about changing his job - not sure if its to be nearer her?

OP posts:
eineschlampa · 26/08/2013 17:55

wellwobbly you seem very determined to break up other peoples relationships. Your relationship didn't work out but you shouldn't be coming on here with your bitterness towards men and trying to get every woman to ltb. It's not healthy.

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee · 26/08/2013 17:59

So, what now dreaming?

It is pointless making him defriend her on facebook, delete her from his phone etc - he will make other accounts, get a cheap phone. You cannot exert ANY control this way, apart from the fact that it doesn't work, it is fucking exhausting :( It really is. You cannot be his jailer to make this work going forward.

MissStrawberry · 26/08/2013 18:01

OP - what do YOU want to do?

Tell him if he is 100% honest there is a chance for you - you don't have to mean it but if you do you need a consequence if you find out more later. You may, if you do this, run the risk of him saying he doesn't want to work at your marriage.

Tell him it is over and he needs to move out.

Do nothing and carry on as you thought you were.

Is there really much of a choice for you? Sad

And talk to your mum. You don't have to keep his dirty cheating secrets.

tessa6 · 26/08/2013 18:01

dreaming please don't just accept this and brush it under the carpet. The fact that he is STILL friends with her on facebook indicates he doesn't want to lose contact with her, doesn't want to upset her. He's deleted the messages so you can't see the extent of it.

When it comes to this sort of thing, imagine the worst it could be, it's probably close to that. I'm sorry.

LozzaCro · 26/08/2013 18:08

Hi Dreaming

I have been reading throughout, and really really hoped that this was the one post proved to be a genuine miscommunication. That he had been manic at work and it all turned out to be a happy ending. I am so sorry it is far from that case.

It is very difficult to get angry when your insides are physically aching. You seem to go into self preservation - everything moves slowly, a little hazy. Day to day feels like forever. It's important to know the stages that you are going to go through, and know that this is a very good support network. You don't have to tell people, get angry, throw him out or scream insults at him until you are good and ready. Listen to the advice on here and know that, whilst harsh sometimes, ultimately it is truth and the person writing it cares for you and your children.

I am thinking of you and hope that in a small way there might be something I can say to make you feel better or lift your spirits. Keep writing things down and (try to) eat/drink to keep yourself strong.

LC xxx

EhricLovesTeamQhuay · 26/08/2013 18:45

Eines
Wellwobbly knows her stuff. It's very shallow and silly of you to think she has an agenda of breaking up happy couples; she's sharing the benefit of her own experience and knowledge (and I doubt anyone did as much research on Infidelity as she did) to support other cheated on women. Do you think the OP should just let this slide? Try to 'get over it'? Believe her husband's bullshit?

PAsSweetOrangeLurve · 26/08/2013 19:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ThenAgain · 26/08/2013 19:04

I think FB messages get archived rather than deleted, you could restore them as you know her name I think?

ProphetOfDoom · 26/08/2013 19:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

alphacourse · 26/08/2013 20:00

FB messages get archived. You can log on to FB and download all messages. It sends a link to your email account. It is normal to want to see them. In fact - in my experience it will send you a bit loopy if you don't as knowing the truth is somehow easier than imagining what might/might not have been said etc.