Putting 2+2 together and coming up with ....?

[Imonlydreaming]

I can't actually believe that I am typing this but I am getting myself in a real tizz about this situation.
My DH has recently begun working a bit further from home and pretty soon after that he started to "stay over" first in hotels, and now in a work colleagues house. (A man if that makes a difference) 2-3 times a week.

The other day our phones were on the side and one of them went off - he said was it yours - not actually asking me to look at his but I did and he had a text that said "I love you xxxxxxxxx" - not from me.
He got up and came over when he saw me open his phone and said straightaway - I used to work with her. Then told me a story about another friend who'd done the same to him. I thought it was strange, but people do make mistakes like that don't they?

After that his phone has had a pass code on - which he told me was because someone at work had taken his phone and left it in a communal area - possibly as a joke. Perfectly plausible of the place he works at.

Today he was having trouble with the signal on his phone and I asked if I could have the number where he's staying and he said that his own mobile would work there. Not actually refusing to give it to me - said he'd do it later (but hasn't).

Well of course the reason I'm writing this down is that I'm suspicious - we haven't exactly been that physical recently - but with 2 toddlers who don't sleep through and lots of illness and other family issues/ illness it's just been a bad time.

Am I reading between the lines and seeing an issue that isn't there? I know that a bunch of strangers on the Internet can't tell me the answers. I just know I couldn't talk to anyone in RL and to ask him would open a can of worms - that I'm just not ready to face.

Thanks for reading.

I'm so so sorry dreaming, please don't let him push this on to you, if you choose to separate its because of what he has done, not your fault in the slightest. I would not be surprised if its gone further than texting, they tend to tell the minimum in the hope that you will believe it and forgive so maybe prepare yourself for the worse.
There is lots of support and advice for you here, I'm so sorry.

Sorry x post.
Do you think the bonus was all taken up with the holiday costs or is it possible he's bullshitting you on that one. And I'd be wanting to see his card statements to find out exactly what these convenient 'expenses' were...

Pressed post by accident...

He wants us to be a family still

I'm making him sleep in the spare room - part of me wants to believe we could move on from this but....

No work for me yet - he's back Tuesday

God what a mess -

selfishly I don't want there to be any weekends where I don't see my lovely DC - that should come when they're teenagers not now

Yet I know it can't just be for them

2013 is the worst year ever

dreaming

Read some other threads. They start off by denying, then minimizing, then getting angry, then throwing themselves on your mercy and so on and so on. Others could explain it better than I.

He's not being frank with you.

It must feel like that, but you know now, the endless self questioning and paranoia are over...YOU get to choose what happens next. You, not him.

He's a prick. You deserve better.

You don't have to not see your DC. You can make arrangements for him to come and visit them at your home. You have a lot of thinking to do. Don't try to work it all out tonight. Try your best to get some sleep.

Yes. A good bath and then some sleep - or at least a lie down and rest.

What he wants, frankly, is irrelevant. He should have thought about what he wanted before he started fucking the OW.

He is currently 'running scared' because you have changed his plans for a convenient exit when it suited HIM.

He is lucky to be in the spare room. He shouldn't be.

The thing is - even if you did stay 'for them' it does not make it a happy childhood for them, kids are not stupid. Staying for the children is a HUGE mistake.

Of course you don't want weekends without your kids :( Mind you, if he's like a large percentage of fathers who have fucked around with OW, you wont be without them that often, because he will be 'too busy to have them'. It is better for you and them to have a happy home and them to be with you 12 nights out of 14, than them to be unhappy and with you 14/14 is it not?

There is 'A script' - really there is. Try (as Cozie said) reading some of the threads in Relationships - they are like Mills & Boon books, all slightly different but oh so bloody predictable.

:(

and 2014 will be better.

I know the deals you want to do with the devil to glue this back together, I do, honestly... but love, staying together is the hardest option, it only works if the 'guilty party' faces up to what they have done, are prepared to be accountable for every minute of every day, have their accounts/phones/etc open to their partners, go to counselling, be prepared to go over and over what happened and why and fully take the blame for it - and really, really want to tear down the wall and rebuild the relationship - the vast majority of people just do not have that in them. Mainly because if they did, they wouldn't have had the affair in the first place.

You do what you have to do, we will always be here for you. But take your time and think it through.

Imonlydreaming, I am so very sorry that you are having to deal with this.

He is a liar and he is not just texting her. He is sleeping with her. I know how much that must hurt you because it is a complete betrayal.

My guess is that he wanted both her and what he has with you. Selfish and gutless and hurtful. He was playing the game of having a solid loving family and a lovely passionate affair. All those nights that it was too hard to come home. He took what he wanted because he thought he could get away with it which actually makes him beyond a self serving entitled bastard.

He is worthless and devoid of commitment. Just imagine the thrill he got from cheating and living on the edge of pretending and lying.

Now you need to decide what YOU want.

You are worth more than this. You are not strong right now, and you must in bits. Take a really deep breath. Wrap all those that who care for you around you. Family, friends. Step away from him. Don't engage. Get yourself into a place where you can at least take some time to think about what you want. I am so sorry.

The more I read about other people and think about my situation the worse I feel and I just don't know how I will cope

There's noone in RL I can talk to if we are ever to find a way back from this-

I have never been any good at taking sympathy - head tilts and there there's and I don't want that from my friends (some of whom may even say we told you so even though its taken 13 years to be proved right)

God I need sleep

Why do you feel worse reading about other people? I don't understand - what is it that's making you more worried?

You have to talk to someone IRL, you just have to. Pick the person who will most understand if you feel you need to 'give it another go'. You can't do this (either way) without someone to talk to and have a with.

None of us like to be pitied - and gushy sympathy, but most of us need a friend and a hug.

Yes, you do need sleep. Do you think you can go and get some?

I'm sorry to read your situation Imonlydreaming. I just wanted to post to say - please tell someone in RL. That's the only way it will become 'real' to you. Otherwise you will almost certainly let him minimise and worm his way out of this. I'm sorry to be blunt but I recognise your passivity and wish for this to just go away to save pain to you and your children too well. I've lived it.

Know this - you will keep being served the same lesson until you learn from it. Sending love to you.

You will definitely cope but you need support. It will take a bit of time but you will get over this. If you can't talk to your friends or family tell your doctor and see if she can recommend a counsellor. Do not see a counsellor with your husband. He does not have your best interests at heart. A decent friend or family member will obviously sympathise with you but more importantly will give you support. If you think they will say I told you so then realistically they already suspect he is not right for you.

Have you got a book to read to try and distract you? You might eventually fall asleep. Do not get out of bed tomorrow morning to see to the children. No doubt your husband is fast asleep now. Wake him up in the morning and tell him you are leaving him to raise the DC and tell him to break the news to his OW. Also tell him you are on your way to see your solicitor. Get hold of his credit card and drive to a hotel and charge the room, food and drinks to him. I would recommend staying overnight but you probably won't do that. If you wont do this stay in bed the whole day and only come down for food. Leave him to the DC. If he is that sorry it is the least he can do.

Trust me that as unbelievable as it seems now you will cope and this will pass. Good night, try to get some rest even if you don't sleep.

I'm sorry Imonlydreaming . But the line of him only wanting attention is making me furious. Why didn't he drive home then, instead of endless night away? . Couldn't believe a word out of his mouth, I'm afraid.

dreaming I was on the same situation as you 2 years ago .. I am now on the verge of the divorce being finalised, I moving in to a lovely house that is all mine and I have a lovely man and have never been happier.. I think my STBXH and the OW actually did me a massive favour .. My life is better without him in it (I kicked him out when I found evidence of the affair after he denied all)

Yours will get better too .. It will be hard at first but give it 6 months and you will be a new woman {hugs}

Dreaming please talk to someone in RL. Please do not keep this to yourself for any reason. If you are worried that once the 'secret" is out you'd be out of control of the outcome you want PLEASE DON'T WORRY ABOUT THAT.

You need someone who knows you better than the very experienced and insightful posters here, someone who knows your knob of a husband DH and whom will help you keep reality based in the weeks and months to come. You need it for your mental health. You need it so that if it gets too much you can ask a rellie/friend to have your kids for a couple of hours so you can attend to what you need to. You need it full stop.

Trust me. I know.

Dreaming,
So,so sorry.
You now know and he has told you it was for attention.

Please remember he made a choice, to stay away all those nights with 'work', effectively he made a choice that he couldn't have your attention- but the attention of OW.

He left you with no chance to stroke his ego. It is not your job to now look for reasons for why he did it , or blame on your part.

It happened because he simply let it happen - because it made him feel good.

You need someone to talk to , to support you , hand you tissues and wipe your tears. You need someone in real life to tell you how good you really are , not believe what his actions have made you feel about yourself. You need this person to help you have the strength to make your choice of what happens now, his choices have been bad. Please don't let his bad choices become the over dulling factor - this is where your choices have to come in.

I say all this as I have been there too. I had my friend - she listened , never judged but was there to gently remind me of what I said , wanted and needed to happen. She reminded me of my own 'baseline' and made damn sure I would never except less than that.
I also made him ring his parents as I found out - that made it all very real :-)

Good luck dreaming , remember your choices - not his anymore.

Sorry overruling not not over dulling

The 'just texting ' is the minimising you were warned about .. He must think you button up the back!!

And someone mentioned up thread about was it a male or female name .. My STBXH had his OW's number stored under 'John Scott ' a colleague I had met

You should make him leave dreaming even just to give yourself headspace .. Although how would you notice the difference as I note that you say he's not back till Tuesday so has he just skipped back to her??

Did you manage any rest?

A fitful night - waking early and sad
He's got the DC now giving them breakfast etc I didn't ask but I just physically couldn't.

He wants to talk
I don't have the words

I'm supposed to be seeing my mum later she's really poorly and I can't tell her so we'll have to play happy families.

He mainly communicated with her on Facebook and last night he sent me messages (I love you I'm sorry etc) all on Facebook messenger. It made me feel angry that he would contact me in the same way as her - is that mad?

I will talk to him later when the Dcs are in bed I think I need a list of questions / demands like the credit card expenses, sti check, etc

Thank you all so much for the support you are giving me - I will try and tell someone - everyone is just so busy with their own lives new babies, kids starting school, family illness and I am so used to just getting on with and coping with everything alone

You are doing really well, Imonlydreaming, I'm proud of you. Sounds as though you are not used to opening up to your friends IRL, sending you strength to do that.

Can't believe he communicated with you on fb messenger. Shame he can't say it to your face. Very spineless.

Good luck today, take care of yourself and just stay away from him today if it helps.

So sorry to hear this dreaming if I were you I would make him have dc today so you can have time to yourself to think things through then confront him tonight once they are in bed x

Yes - opening your eyes and coming awake on that first morning after is quite awful. Your legs have been cut from under you and you just can't believe where you are.

It will probably get better from now on - this is likely the low point for you. The disbelief, the unreality, the fear even. There may be bad moments ahead (if/when you find out more unpleasant things) but you'll cope with them much better than you thought you could.

I would try, if you can, to get outside and have a walk for an hour or so before you see your Mum. Even if you live in a city, just doing an hour on the streets (or popping into a cafe for a coffee en route) will help ground you a bit. You'll see life still going on outside your house - and while that may hurt a little, I think you'll also find that it gives you some perspective and reassurance. Try, anyway, eh?

It would be good for you if you could identify someone IRL to talk to - but we'll all be here if you need to talk. There's usually someone around on the board, day or night.

You're doing so well.