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Original poster

Putting 2+2 together and coming up with ....?

999 replies

Imonlydreaming · 12/08/2013 22:24

I can't actually believe that I am typing this but I am getting myself in a real tizz about this situation.
My DH has recently begun working a bit further from home and pretty soon after that he started to "stay over" first in hotels, and now in a work colleagues house. (A man if that makes a difference) 2-3 times a week.

The other day our phones were on the side and one of them went off - he said was it yours - not actually asking me to look at his but I did and he had a text that said "I love you xxxxxxxxx" - not from me.
He got up and came over when he saw me open his phone and said straightaway - I used to work with her. Then told me a story about another friend who'd done the same to him. I thought it was strange, but people do make mistakes like that don't they?

After that his phone has had a pass code on - which he told me was because someone at work had taken his phone and left it in a communal area - possibly as a joke. Perfectly plausible of the place he works at.

Today he was having trouble with the signal on his phone and I asked if I could have the number where he's staying and he said that his own mobile would work there. Not actually refusing to give it to me - said he'd do it later (but hasn't).

Well of course the reason I'm writing this down is that I'm suspicious - we haven't exactly been that physical recently - but with 2 toddlers who don't sleep through and lots of illness and other family issues/ illness it's just been a bad time.

Am I reading between the lines and seeing an issue that isn't there? I know that a bunch of strangers on the Internet can't tell me the answers. I just know I couldn't talk to anyone in RL and to ask him would open a can of worms - that I'm just not ready to face.

Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 25/08/2013 16:02

Oh and dreaming

You're actually sounding grateful that he's being pleasant. How low has your self-esteem been brought down by his behaviour?

34DD · 25/08/2013 16:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

comingintomyown · 25/08/2013 18:52

Sorry but I have to agree your evidence is not flimsy

Who would your DH be hearing from saying You dont need to be sorry that he wouldnt tell you about Sad

XH was nicer to me in the weeks he was still living here (we both knew he was moving put and an OW was floating about) before he moved out than he had been in years, I found it quite repulsive actually

FloraSpreadableMacDonald · 25/08/2013 19:01

I think you need to put yourself out of your misery and confront him. I don't have your patience though! Is he back at work tomorrow?

DelayedActionMouseMaker · 25/08/2013 20:00

If hard concrete proof is what you need then get a PI for the next time he stays away. Expensive, but worth it, because then you'll know one way Orr the other and you can get on and make whatever plans you need to.

Stay strong, and re-read your posts once a day. Imagine you are reading them as if it were your sister/best friend/mum/daughter who was writing them, and then see how you feel.

Continue to stay alert, get evidence, consult as solicitor and if nothing else start stockpiling the cash...if it turns out he's innocent you can treat him to a weekend away with it or something, but please protect yourself in case he's as rotten an apple as he's coming across.

Waferthinmint · 25/08/2013 20:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

skyeskyeskye · 25/08/2013 20:43

Your evidence is not flimsy :(

Honestly, you have the upper hand while he thinks you know nothing. I asked XH if he was contacting OW. He said " a few texts". Thousands a month was the truth which he would not admit.

Call him on it, on everything you have and sk him to leave while you consider your options...

cozietoesie · 25/08/2013 20:59

Oh - and ask yourself. Pleasant he may have been but how many times since you returned has he gone out to walk the dog/go to the shop/clear his head - or managed to take his mobile with him when he goes to the loo or another part of the house where he would be alone?

MissStrawberry · 25/08/2013 21:24

OP, what do YOU want to do now?

Do you want out even if you don't feel you have anything concrete? (Though obviously it is there.)

If you want out you can go. You don't have to have anything other than he is never there and is treating you like he doesn't care.

The thread with the 19 year old and the husband taking the money was all fake.

whitesugar · 25/08/2013 23:48

Dreaming you sound like you are in shock. Tell a friend in RL so that you can get some support.

I referenced a post about a guy who had an affair with a 19 year old and syphoned off a lot of money online. Strawberry mentions that this was a fake, I didn't realise. I am curious how that came to light.

Apologies for diversion Dreaming, I am now wondering if a person can actually take money out of a joint account online. I don't want to cause you unnecessary anxiety. I hope you manage to get a good night's sleep.

Original poster
Imonlydreaming · 26/08/2013 00:00

You were all right

I just want to curl in a ball

He admitted he's been messaging OW but says that's all - as if the hundreds of messages with I love yous and kisses and plans to "be a couple" weren't enough.

He says he was going to tell her it was over - even though he spent any moment he could on holiday messaging her

I hate him right now for making me be the one who had to confront him and make the decision about what happens next in our marriage

I hate him for putting me in the position where I have to choose whether I have to give up my children for weekends and to break their hearts too Hmm

OP posts:
skyeskyeskye · 26/08/2013 00:05

It's not easy Dreaming, but you have to retain some self respect here. You can take control if what's happening or you can let him walk all over you.

It's not an easy path to go down but you need to make him see what he is losing. If you want to fight for your relationship, that is your decision and nobody else's, but you really do need to make some decisions.

cozietoesie · 26/08/2013 00:08

Oh dreaming.

Has he explained everything else including the loan and the bonus? If you've now broached the subject, now may be the time to get the whole story - at least as far as he'll tell you the truth.

LemonDrizzled · 26/08/2013 00:10

So sorry your fears were confirmed. You must be feeling very lost right now. There is no rush to make big decisions about this yet. Be kind to yourself. Do you want him out of the way for a few days or would it feel better to have him where you can see him? He sounds contrite so should be keen to do what he can to make you feel safe. Can you tell a close friend? It does help!
Hugs and chocolate xx

whitesugar · 26/08/2013 00:12

I am sorry you got that news Dreaming. You need support and I urge you to tell someone in RL. You have had a dreadful shock but at least you now know that you are not crazy and you were not imagining things. I know it seems hopeless now and extremely hard to believe but you will get through this.

You are not the one who needs to agonise about breaking your children's hearts. He did that when he had an affair with the OW. None of this is your doing. You can get control back and decide what you want to happen in your marriage. I suggest you see a solicitor first so that you know exactly where you stand financially. This probably doesn't seem important to you now but it is crucial. Once you are armed with this information you can make informed decisions.

There are couples who have managed to get through a crisis like this and no doubt other mums will come along and advise you. Take care of yourself and get some RL support. You can't go through this alone. I am thinking about you tonight.

Doha · 26/08/2013 00:13

He has to go--if not for good at least for a few days until you decide what you want to do. I think he will minimise this as he has started to do. He doesn't know what information you have-does he know that you know about the loan?

Original poster
Imonlydreaming · 26/08/2013 00:19

He says he needed attention Confused
As if having twins who are constantly ill , 2 sick parents (one in hospital now) very little RL support and a job meant I was selfish and couldn't give him my time

The loan was to cover Ccards/ expenses apparantly - doesn't know why he couldn't tell me

The bonus has paid for our holiday

I so so wanted to be wrong Hmm

OP posts:
ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee · 26/08/2013 00:23

HE has done this, not you. Remember that.

He wasn't going to end it, he was just waiting for a time they could be together - it's part of the pattern my love. Something means they can't do it right now - either she isn't ready to leave her DH or they haven't got enough money to get a place together or whatever. Don't fall for it.

HE is the one who has hurt the children - not you. You are simply (I hope anyway) going to show them that you don't have to put up with that, you don't have to let someone treat you badly. Staying would be worse for them - much worse. ... and don't fool yourself into thinking you can hide how you feel from them, kids know when you aren't happy.

Every second weekend for the kids - he doesn't get all the fun days while you get all the slog days Uh-uh, no way.

Big hug my love - it is a shitty shitty place to be, but trust us when we say you will come out the other side stronger, happier and in control of your life x

Doha · 26/08/2013 00:24

He couldn't give you his time when he was staying away messaging and fucking the OW!!
Don't let him fool you that it was only texting.....
You need an STI check asap and legal advice.
I would also like proof of all this credit card debit probably spent on OW

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee · 26/08/2013 00:25

I wanted to be wrong as well :(

He needed attention - fucking manchild. Jesus wept. I swear most of them never fucking grow up.

Doha · 26/08/2013 00:25

AT least you know the name and address of the OW that could prove very good ammunition in the future.

cozietoesie · 26/08/2013 00:26

Lordy

He couldn't tell you about the ccs and expenses because they weren't for you, sweet.

Are you supposed to be going to work tomorrow?

Original poster
Imonlydreaming · 26/08/2013 00:34

I asked him if it was only texting and he wasn't with her every time he was away for work ( as he says) why text her and not me?

OP posts:
DelayedActionMouseMaker · 26/08/2013 00:37

oh dreaming...i'm gutted for you that this is happening. do you have anyone nearby who you can call on tonight that might be able to come and support you? As difficult as it must be right now you need to make some decisions...

So your worst fears have been confirmed. Now you need to try and clear your head of all the gutted emotions you must be feeling and decide what do you want to happen next? From personal experience and a LOT of threads on here this is just the first part of what you are likely to find out and you need to be ready for the whole story.

It seems highly unlikely to me that he is remotely telling you the truth about what has happened with this OW. He will admit to only the things which have been proven at first. Has he told you what happened to the bonus money and the loan?

You NEED to see a solicitor as soon as possible, you need to decide if this is it for you in regards to your relationship, quite independently of what he wants or the guilt you'd feel if you two split up. You need to think about the possibility that he is still bullshitting you and may have plans to leave you in the lurch, cover yourself as much as possible financially. Get copies of all relevant paperwork, make sure YOU have the children's passports. (If it were me I'd be hiding his too.)

I think if you want to get thorough this and come out the other side as a couple then you need to act decisively and with dignity. If he believes at this point in time that he can win you over or continue to bullshit you then he still does not respect you and your relationship is toast anyway.

You pack him a bag and ask him to leave and give you some time to decide what happens next. He cannot contact you unless you contact him first, he cannot come home til you say you are ready. You go and do all the practical stuff you need to, and think about what you want from your life. Only when you have decided can he contact you and hear your terms.

D you want a man who you can possibly never trust again? If you are to trust him what does he need to do from now on to make things work again? Can you live with him still working with her, still going away all the time, wondering what's going on?

Will he attend counselling? Is he prepared to do what it takes to rebuild your marriage? Will he leave his job if that's what you need? Does he very quickly get annoyed with your questions or is he prepared to hear you asking again and again until you can cope with what he has done?

I can't imagine your inner turmoil right now, but if you have some idea of what you can accept and what you want then its a start to taking control of the situation and making sure YOU are your priority, not him.

I'm so sorry dreaming.

whitesugar · 26/08/2013 00:37

Just remember how many lies he blithely told you before you confronted him. Why would you believe a word he is telling you now? He had to stay over because he worked an hour and a half away. Where I live this travel time is the norm. So he was only having a texting relationship and yet didn't meet the OW for sex when he had a room away from home. Hardly likely. Try your best to change the hurt you are feeling in quite righteous anger.

Get a sick line for work for a few weeks and tell him to get out of your house. Then sit back and watch him totally shit himself. The OW is really going to love the idea of looking after someone else's twin toddlers who like all babies are sick quite often. She will run a mile. You hold all the cards.

Try to take support tonight from other mums who have been through this and came out the other side stronger. This will happen to you whatever you decide.