devastated

[MummyTo1PlusBump]

As some of you will already know off the antinatal posts im 12 weeks pregnan with a 14 month old ds.

Well last night i recieved a knock on the door from a woman saying ive been asked to give you this, it was a note saying my wife has been sleeping wiht your dh for some time and we are divorcing because she says its love apparently, heres her number, ask her.

So i phoned the number and a woman answered, when i asked if she was sleeping with my dh she said im not answering any of your questions ask him. I then phoned him who denied it and only admitted to sleeping with her when i asked him to swear on ds's life, he says its not from her dh as they split up 2 years ago and no way is it love, he says it was a stupid mistake a one off never to be repeated, she has then apparently been stalking him via phone and when he brushed her off she has resorted to this.

Anyway i then chucked him out at about 3am and he went to his sisters, we hardly have sex as it is, he says cause hes always tired but if thats the case then why did he fuck here.

I dont know what to do ive been up all night crying, havent slept so sorry for any typos, i dont know where to turn, i moved 300 miles from my friends and family to be with him and i cant cope with it, i think i believe what he is saying to me but i cant trust my own judgment anymore, he swears on ds that it is the only time its happened, i love him dearly but my world has been shattered by this what can i do.

Thank you for reading so far

Oh Gawd, don't know what to say - am crap at this sort of thing, but just wanted you to know someone was out here. How devastating for you. Is there anyone nearby you can talk to today? You can't go through this completely alone. Could you temp go back to your family for a few days to give you space to think??

Much love, keep posting. Someone with more to say will post soon I'm sure.........

I dont want to go home to my family as im too ashamed to tell them whats happened, i was chatting with his sis last night as he was at work but cant today as he is there

Did you have any idea? You need a rl friend to talk to about this and to think things out. There are lotso fus here who have been in a similar position, and we all made different decisions. I left my dh, others have worked it out.

no i didnt have a clue, everything was completly normal, im too embarassed to tell anyone as they all thought we had the perfect relationship, thats a laugh isnt it!

You have to tell someone - it is not your fault. I am sure he would be delighted to hear that you are still protecting him and what is more, taking the blame yourself.

You will be surprised just how supportive people will be. Promise.

Ive told his sister who will no doubt tell all his family as she is disgusted with him, but i dont want to tell mine as ive already got one failed marriage behind me and im only 32!

No wonder you feel devastated and like your world has been turned upside down. You need as many people supporting you as possible in real life. Will your sister really judge you? - you have done nothing wrong, remember.

I'm sure when others get on here later you will have lots of support from people who have been through similar circumstances.

Take care and stay strong.

No his sister is really nice and we get on well, its just i cant talk to her now as he is there, i feel like i dont even want this baby now and then i feel sick for feeling like that

if his story is true it sounds like he got targeted and sucked in by a very predatory woman.

If you want to make a go of your life together maybe you need to think of moving to another area .

I hope things work out ok for you.

something very similiar happened to my sister, her dh had a brief affair with a woman at work, and then ended it, but the woman then threatened to tell my sister if he didn't carry on sleeping with her. By all accounts he tried hard to end it with her, but she had the upper hand. In the end he told my sister the truth.

They had a very rocky three years following it, my sister moved out for a bit, and even had a fling herself. But they have since made an effort to be together and try again. 3 years on, they seem happy again but they both wanted it to work and had to make a huge effort.

So I guess what I'm trying to say is, if what your dh is saying is true, and it really was a mistake and you really believe that and want to stay with him, then it is possible to be happy again, but it takes time. And of course you have the added stress of being pregnant.

Don't decide on anything rash at the moment, your hormones are all over the place.

Hugs to you, what a horrible start to your pregnancy xx

Hi Mummyto1plusbump

I am not good at putting things into word but here goes.
I have been through this.Unless you have been through it it is so so hard to explain.Total shock and it feels like your word must be falling apart.What a horrible way for you to find out.
IT dosen't have to be the end if you both don't want it to.You need to get some rest and then talk to each other.

keep talking on here because there are lots of mumsnetters that have been though this too and can give you lots of advise and support.Hugs xxxx

Hi mummyto1, just wanted to let you know you are not alone and you will get lots of support here. Keep talking. I hope you are getting some support - have you got friends/family nearby?

Thinking of you x

You poor thing this is really not what anyone needs especially when pregnant.

Do not be ashamed to tell your parents you have done nothing wrong and they should understand that. Will they support you if you need them to?

I hate to bring this up but you need to check if they used protection. He may have risked your sexual health. Even using a condom is NOT 100% so you should get check out for your own piece of mind.

I hope this all gets sorted and you can be happy.

MummyTo1, I'm so sorry this has happened and what a shocking way to find out. Like everyone else I just wanted to let you know that we are here for you whenever you want to talk.

MummyTo1PlusBump, how awful :(
All I would say in listen to the advice you are given by people who have been through this, there will be positive stories, there will be negative ones but at least you can make the decision youself what route you go down.
I don't think your family would judge you, i know how feel though, whenever my DP does something shitty or horrible I don't tell anyone about it apart from mumsnet because I don't want anyone to think bad of him but this if different.
You need RL supoport

MummyTo1PlusBump
Just wondering how you are now ??

hi all thank you for your kind words,

Well ive had a busy day, ive now found out that it was actually a 8 week affair that he wanted to get out of after about 3 weeks but was scared of what she might do (bunny boiler thing)(not sure if i believe this)

ive phoned her and been to meet her today and it seems like he hasnt really seen much of her, it was just sex for him but she wanted more,it has all been fitted in during his workign day, ie telling me he was working later, apart from 2 evenings when i thought he was out with friends has anyone survved an affair and if so how the hell do you do it.

Ref the being checked, it started after i got pregant and dh and i have not slept together since then as i said earlier we hadly have it at all due to his work tiredness and everything else, seems like he could fit her in though. I love him very much but feel humiliated and scared that if i do agree to stay together then i will be even more of a fool, hes declaring how sorry he is, wished it had never happened loves me very much all the usual crap. He cant understand why i have told him to come home today am i being really stupid with the reasoning that i want him here so he can answer to me and any questions i have and help with ds as ive been a mess, if i tell him to go isnt he getting off scott free??

Sorry I really don't know what to say - but I really feel for you, you must be so shocked and hurt by what has happened.

Your DH has betrayed you in the worst way, but it does sound that she was the predator not that that excuses him in any way, he could have told her NO.

and i never really understood that 'it was just sex' thing, but then men do thing/act differently.

Sorry crap post and doesn't really help, but i wish I could be there to give you comfort and hug.

good luck

My dh was having an affair this time last year.He went to live with his mum for a short time.His affair went on for 5 weeks.We were having sex about 3 - 5 times a week. I know you must be thinking it was because he wasn't getting it at home but it is not always the case.

It really is just about the sex with most men. Remember when you were first togehter and you found time for sex whether you were knackered and all.It is like that in an affair. Finding like a new romance where everything is new.They don't have to be them, cut the grass, lookafter kids and all the things that go with being a husband and father.It is an escape that is all it is to a man.What he has with you is love and that is something he never shared with her.

I gave my husband another chance because he has grown up 100%.I could tell he was very sorry.In his words, actions and face.He could have lost it all.Saying goodbye is hard but staying together is harder.I can't pretend it is an easy option either.
He needs to answer your questions and you will want to know all the details over and over again.Take one day at a time.A year on and I still feel sick when I think about my dh having sex with her.Saying that it dosen't consume all my thoughts like it did when I first found out.
We also went to relate and they were a huge help.

thanl you for the overdraft i appreciate you sharing your story with me, how did you start having sex with him again knowing what he had been up to with someone else, im disgusted with the facy that he was out sleeping with her and it was me that washed his pants for him iygwim

sorry that should be thank you lol, thanks to everyone else too your words are really helping me right now as i havent stopped crying since 930pm last night.

Also im a little miffed that she was older uglier and not so skinny (im not either but he has always prefered me when i was) i just dont get why he went for her, am i being really bitchy by saying this?

Wow you are very brave how did you resist from ripping her head off?

I am glad that there is no risk to you but if you stay with him he needs to get checked before you get to the stage where you may want sex with him again.

Funny but she was ugly too.That Is hard for me to understand.He says " it was just to have sex with someone else and as long as she wasn't repulsive".He is not proud of saying it either.At the time he was feeling very low about himself and it flattered him that someone else was taking an interest in him.

I felt very strong at the time and had sex within a few weeks.I like sex.I didn't make a big thing about it to his face.I just got on with it.Maybe to give him a taste of what he was missing. He had better sex with me too.

Too early for you to think about that is it? Every time I looked at dh for the first couple of weeks it made my skin crawl.It would have been hard to imagine him touching me

yes i know its something i have been thinking about, i very nearly ripped his head off, instead i spat in his face, how disgusting of me i know, im thouroughly ashamed of myself, not!