devastated

[MummyTo1PlusBump]

As some of you will already know off the antinatal posts im 12 weeks pregnan with a 14 month old ds.

Well last night i recieved a knock on the door from a woman saying ive been asked to give you this, it was a note saying my wife has been sleeping wiht your dh for some time and we are divorcing because she says its love apparently, heres her number, ask her.

So i phoned the number and a woman answered, when i asked if she was sleeping with my dh she said im not answering any of your questions ask him. I then phoned him who denied it and only admitted to sleeping with her when i asked him to swear on ds's life, he says its not from her dh as they split up 2 years ago and no way is it love, he says it was a stupid mistake a one off never to be repeated, she has then apparently been stalking him via phone and when he brushed her off she has resorted to this.

Anyway i then chucked him out at about 3am and he went to his sisters, we hardly have sex as it is, he says cause hes always tired but if thats the case then why did he fuck here.

I dont know what to do ive been up all night crying, havent slept so sorry for any typos, i dont know where to turn, i moved 300 miles from my friends and family to be with him and i cant cope with it, i think i believe what he is saying to me but i cant trust my own judgment anymore, he swears on ds that it is the only time its happened, i love him dearly but my world has been shattered by this what can i do.

Thank you for reading so far

I really feel for you
My first husband of two years(!) had a affair with someone at work.
I remember exactly how it feels - like someone has just punched you in the stomach and you can't breathe.
We tried to patch things up for a year
but the sad fact is that unless you can truly forgive him and "try" to forget it and not torture yourself with every gruesome detail - you don't stand a chance.
I couldn't and I ground the knife in at every opportunity so that in the end I know I drove him away.... straight back to her
I do have a very happy ending tho' I now have a wonderful DH who I trust (and believe me learning to do that again takes years!)and a gorgeous DD.

just wanted to say that this time last year i found out that my husband has been having a three month affair. We have stayed together, and like overdraft says its not the easy option, but I was determined I wasn't going to throw away 14 years of in the whole an alright marriage without trying to make it work. Yes it does hurt. And if he wants this to work then he is going to answer the same questions from you time and time again. It will consume for now every waking minute of your life, you will look for the reasons why, but men do think very very differently to us - my husband says it was escapism for him at home were a teenager, a pre teen a 2 yr old and a 1 yr old with her it was just him and her.

You will feel angry, sad, confused, alone, distraught as if things will never be the same again and maybe they won't maybe and if you and he wants to you could come out of this with an even better, open relationship than you had before.

Most days I feel very angry that he and she (being my best friend) could betray me in such a way, but a year on like overdraft says it doesn't consume every waking hour.

As for making love again that was something that I wanted to do quite quickly after I decided to take him back bec I thought that the longer I left it the harder it would be and tbh there are times now when it gets me usually just after we've done it and I feel so sad and sometimes turn over and cry.

You will need to find some couselling to help you sort out your feelings and emotions.

I've probably babbled too much but thinking of you loads.

interesting isn't it because his other woman also was older, uglier and fatter than me. Its got to be about the sex and the infatuation of someone else being interested.

My dh too felt very low about himself at the time - not that thats an excuse but when you add up all the circumstances then ....

Hi mummyto1plusbump. i'm so sorry to hear what you're going through. it is now 2 years since my dh had an affair. He said just what yours said about being scared of what she might do. it made me so cross and hurt that he wasn't scared what i;d feel.i just wanted to say that whatever you decide the pain does fade, very slowly, but i remember that for weeks i could literallu think of nothing else, my world had fallen apart. i don't think it is wromg to have him there if that is what you want. i wanted my dh to see the devastation he'd caused, to see the hurt he'd caused me and to answer every question and go over every single detail i needed to know. you do not need to rush into deciding what to do. i was desperate for answers from everyone i knew as to what they would do in my shoes. after a while i made my dh leave for a while. but i realised i couldn't let him go, in some ways i didn't want to lose my life. it has been a very hard time since then, not all the time. but, i am glad we stuck together. seeing how much pain he'd caused me shocked him and we have grown much closer. i still have days of feeling very sad, desperate, hurt but they do get less.
sex will get easier with him, it was not as bad as i thought, i found it harder to stop imagining him with her. like longwaytogo said, i still sometimes just turn away and cry as it just upsets me as it still feels lke its not something he only does with me. good luck and do keep talking about it, it will help, mn really helped me get through as i know it has for others. feel free to ask me anything at all x excuse waffleyness, am on strong painkillers for broken arm!

oh sweety, i havent posted for so long and i thought id jump online today and i saw your thread. i am so bloody sorry for how you will be feeling.

i wanted to let you know what has taken me nearly 12 months to come to terms with - i wanted to share with you my outcome - it may not be the correct way of thinking toward what happened but it is how i guess ive grown to cope with the same grief you will be feeling

my dh cheated on me when i was 8 months pregnant (our ds just turned 1), we also have dd who just turned 3. i found out just after i had ds. i was devastated. my whole world in my eyes was destroyed from a man being selfish.

our relationship was on and off mentally (but we remained under the same roof) for a whole 9 months after - we, no i'll change that to I battled with many demons over that time - to be honest i think i made it harder for our relationship to recover - i was a fucking mess and i turned into the bitch from hell when i reflect. i wanted to make dh hurt as much as he hurt me. in turn i guess he reacted and was a complete arsehole back to me.

but i can honestly say today, right now, my relationship with my dh is fantastic. i still get insecure, but i have never been an entirely secure woman due to past relationships. somewhere along the track i think he changed back and in turn i stopped feeling like my heart was going to pound through my chest or come up my throat. the crying everyday does stop..... eventually...

it is the heart ache (and it does ache - physically - and anyone who has truly had their heart broke by someone they lova nad adore can vouch for this) and the destruction of trust that nearly kills you.

my dh too chose plain (i hate to call them ugly but they definately were not pretty) girls (yes it happened twice) they were slightly over weight, cheap looking tarts - which was something i battled with, it is very hard for me to understand. it made me feel so very ugly but no i have came back "into" myself. as women i think there is some little thing inside us that only ever fears our dh's may have a fling with only someone more beautiful than us but then we are left wondering why he chose them....

i want to tell you though - at least your dh started to tell you about it - this is a HUGE step for a man and it may be a good indicator

men are shits - they think with their dicks and no more and it only does take a "skank" on the prowl to lure most, and those tarts go hard out for any guy who has something to offer. as sad as this is. we can only hope our men learn from their massive fuck up and that we can all grow from this...

but babe it is so early and you will be shattered, talk, cry, do what ever you need to get you through this.... i remember dear sweet maturer and many others telling me it does get better and i remember thinking it never will, but you know it will honey. you need to think about you, and you born and unborn baby.

i will wish every night for you that the pain eases.... you dont deserve it

love & friendship

Hi Gravity hun glad things are going well for you.I often wonder about you XXX keep in touch

Hello Mummyto1plusbump.
This thread and your devastation brought back a whole lot of feelings that I haven't had for a long time (see-they DO go away)
All the advice you have had has been wonderful and I can't really add. What I remember the most is the absolute NEED for answers all of the time.
I think if he's telling you then you are doing well. It is an all consuming obsession. I even had to know what he bought her for Christmas and what kind of books she read FFS!
Looking back now (2 and a half years) I was very ill. If it hadn't been for my children I wouldn't be here now. But I lost my DH.
Yours is repentant and hopefully being honest with you. You have a babe and a babe on the way.
Overdraft is right-staying together may not be the easy option but it seems to me that you have something worth fighting for and hard though it may be to believe-it WILL get better and it WON"t be the first thing you think about when you wake up.
I am really feeling for you sweetie. Baby steps. XXX

hi overdraft - thank you. can you believe it is a year down the track..... definately keep in touch, i have been so slack, i am very happy things are looking better for you too. xxxx

this was helpful to read\link{http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/pto-19980701-000026.html\this}

Just wanted to add my support. Don't have anything constructive to say but wanted you to know that people are thinking about you.

There will be lots ogf good advice on here.

Take Care of yourself.

Hi all thank you so much for your kind words and thoughts, i have asked him to leave for a few days until i decide what i want to do as at the moment its not healthy for us or ds.

Im so upser i feel like my heart is broken into thousands of tiny pieces, i have never felt hurt like this in my whole life, he is repentant and after talking to him and her i have found out that she wanted him because he was unobtainable and she actually said to him that she gets to have the fun and he can then go home to me, she then fell for him (all in the space of about 3 weeks) where he then backed off but wanted to let her down gently so that she didnt tell me, but she picked up on the fact that he wasnt really interested so she put the note through my door to wreck all our lives, i am glad that i know about it and he says hes glad its all out in the open but when hes here im tearing him and myself apart and when hes not im scared that he may go to her, although he assures me he wants nothing to do with her.

Gravity i know what you mean about them being cheap looking tarts as this is exactly the impression i got from confronting her and from the things she was saying to my dh about well ill be your fun time fuck and bit on the side etc.

I think she had this planned all along as when i went to see her she showed me every single text that she had ever recieved from him, i mean who keeps texts going right back to april unless you wanted them for something???

Sorry for the rant

poor you that is horrible to see.I got to see all the text that my dh sent to her.She told him she loved him and when he didn't return it she left her phone on the side to be found by her husband.It broke my heart.It was like an evil person that I didn't even know had sent them.Not easy to forget.
This woman sounds evil how could she be so cruel.Can you get a sitter and talk together in apub or somewhere?

weve talked and talked, but he wants me to talk about making things work between us and im not ready for that kind of talk yet, he doesnt like talking about her as he says he feels ashamed, embarrased and knows it is torturing me

take your time,but hang in there.It sounds like he really cares about you and just got sucked in and made a wrong choice in life.He needs to know how much pain he has put you through and It is part of the healing process.Relate were very good for us and we discovered things about ourselves that we wouldn't have done otherwise.

Im really trying to keep it together but im finding it really difficult, playing whats happened and what happened between them over and over in my head, Its the lies that have really got to me as everytime i confronted him with something up until i went to meet her he lied and lied, he says because he didnt want to hurt me more than i already was and he didnt want to lose me, but why couldnt he have just told the truth, its like he only did because i was seeing her and then she lied about details that i knew were untrue also, i just dont know whats fact and whats fiction anymore, although he says i now know everything and there is nothing more but im finding it hard to trust his word

Of course your confused hun the world as you knew it has been turned upside down and inside out.Your dh didn't want to hurt you even more and maybe thought the more you know the more there is to forgive.I know you need to know every detail.I still don't trust my own judgement and it will take time.I wouldn't belive all this women says though.She wants him to loose you and his family and will say anything tospilt you up.You are doing well.Are you on your own.I know this sounds strange but have you remembered to eat?

thanks, i havent eaten for 2 days as i cant seem to let food pass my lips but being pregnant i know ive got to so im having a bag of chrisps, i know this woman is a vindictive slag who wanted him for herself and when she realised she wasnt going to get him did this, she was the most insincere person i have ever met, she had the cheek to give me her crocodile tears, if i wasnt pregnant i think i would have punched her (and im not a violent person at all).

I have sent him an email explaining how im feeling because when we try to talk it gets heated, si i will see what happens after that? did you ask your dh to leave?

Yes I did . I thew him out the night I found out.Her husband rung me and told me when dh and i were out shopping.This women lived next door and wanted what I had.He saw her in work time.I am afraid I did go around and hit her but that didn't make me feel better.
DH lived at his mums but we spoke every night on the phone for hours.I went over and over it again.Why we were happy.He couldn't give me a reason I just don't thnk he knew himself.He just got sucked in I know it is true because I could see her doing it under my nose , but I trusted him and had faith in him.I felt such a fool and didn't know what to belive for a long time.He didn't tell the truth either for the first couple of days.I can understand that he was shocked at what he had done himself I think.It was like it wasn't him.

when i went to see her she had a work colleage with her who tried to tell me that he had hit on her too but she had turned him down, i know this isnt true as i know for a fact he wouldnt have gone near this woman and the fact that the slut who was supposidly in love with my dh wasnt bothered by this revelation, if you were the other woman and knew he had hit on others wouldnt it hurt and make you wary?, we have spoke loads on the phone tonight and i really feel like i want him to come home but then another part of me thinks its too soon and that i may be making it too easy for him, im 80% sure that i love him and want to make it work with him but im just scared i guess!!

Dear MummyTo1PlusBump I think your extremely brave, for one you've decided to share this, which can't have been easy. I've had a quick read and it certainly seems to be a 'problem shared will be a problem halved'. Right now you'll be going on a complete roller coaster, especially as you are pregnant. Can you talk to your health visitor? If only to make sure that you stay well. At the end of the day you are the lady who is in love with him, and who understand love? Just keep the thread going if only to share your feelings, and say whatever you feel, love is never rational, as for him . What goes around comes around! and may he be sursed by a thousand flies from a camels ar*! ha! Be well and safe always

im seeing the midwife on monday to listen to the baby for the first time, which i cant wait for as you dont get a scan here until 20 weeks so i will have a chat with her about my concerns over stress and the baby etc then

Go and eat something to keep your strength up and see if you can get some sleep.can someone stay with you and care for your little one?

see your still amazing, beautiful, intelligent and wonderful, actually thinking about bump2! You would be surprised by how many of us women put on a brave face, because we think we have done something wrong. You'll be asking your self a zillion questions, and yes the other woman is the 'she devil'. At the end of the day you will cry buckets, feel completely hopeless But you have to always remember that you are the woman he fell in love with and are the mother to his babes. Surely that has to count...remeber you are strong incredible woman and that you will get through this, AND YOU WILL! remember the flies are on there way!!!!ha!...try to sleep and after you've had a cry, cup of warm water with lemon drops then sit on the floor in the lotus position and try to inhale and exhale deeply...lavender oil on your pillow perhaps? thinking of you and sending big hugsxxxx

Thank you for the kind words skandiki, i do know that he loves me but i need to make clear in my head that its enough for me, i dont feel very strong right now, im a mess lol

Overdraft, ive eaten a packet of chrisps and 2 bakewell tarts (now feel like throwing up again but thats another story lol) all my family live 300 miles away and most of his work but he has said that he will come and take ds out for the day tommorow so that i can get some rest and have time to think without being distracted by the lovable terror my 14month old is

sorry that should have been skandini!