devastated

[MummyTo1PlusBump]

As some of you will already know off the antinatal posts im 12 weeks pregnan with a 14 month old ds.

Well last night i recieved a knock on the door from a woman saying ive been asked to give you this, it was a note saying my wife has been sleeping wiht your dh for some time and we are divorcing because she says its love apparently, heres her number, ask her.

So i phoned the number and a woman answered, when i asked if she was sleeping with my dh she said im not answering any of your questions ask him. I then phoned him who denied it and only admitted to sleeping with her when i asked him to swear on ds's life, he says its not from her dh as they split up 2 years ago and no way is it love, he says it was a stupid mistake a one off never to be repeated, she has then apparently been stalking him via phone and when he brushed her off she has resorted to this.

Anyway i then chucked him out at about 3am and he went to his sisters, we hardly have sex as it is, he says cause hes always tired but if thats the case then why did he fuck here.

I dont know what to do ive been up all night crying, havent slept so sorry for any typos, i dont know where to turn, i moved 300 miles from my friends and family to be with him and i cant cope with it, i think i believe what he is saying to me but i cant trust my own judgment anymore, he swears on ds that it is the only time its happened, i love him dearly but my world has been shattered by this what can i do.

Thank you for reading so far

mto+b agree totally with maturer. I was always much worse when I was on my own. As soon as the kids went out I cried and cried and cried some more. Even now if I actually phsically talk about it with someone it brings me to tears, but like maturer says not a day goes by when I don't think about it, sometimes it makes me really, really angry, sometimes I feel sadness for what we have lost and other times i think about it in a fleeting moment and it has no effect at all.

I remember maturer saying just what shes saying to you now and thinking I am never going to get over this but you do in tiny, tiny steps. so hang on in the hun, ride the roller coaster and find someone who will hold you while you sob on their shoulder. There was one friend/collegue who had a wet shoulder everytime she came and my poor babies used to look at her in the end as if to say here's this woman again who makes my mummy cry.

Hi all, im still not dealing with this at all, i got up at 430 as i couldnt sleep, im scared that my crying will push him away, im scared that he is only saying he wants me for the sake of our son and baby as he knows if we did split then i would move back up north to be near my family, i cant get my head around the fact that he texted her " i love you too" whilst all the time telling me the same thing, making plans with me for our future as he was telling her when she asked him if he would leave me "its not about you or her its that she will go back to manchester" he says he just said it to keep her sweet but how can i ever believe him, how can someone say he loves two people at the same time, i know hes telling me that he didnt ever love her and was scared what would happen if he ended it with her but how can i believe this! i want this to work between us so much as i love him with all my heart but im petrified that he will eventually hurt me again as i dont think i could go through this again, between them they have destroyed me. does anyone know if relate will actually go into these points, i.e about how he felt about her etc?

Hi babe
We went to relate and they asked my dh who was in charge in there realationship. they didn't go into how they felt about each other.It is about your realationship really.If you want to bring it up then do.
I saw text from my dh saying horrible things like " If you can't egt away I will come and pick you up". He waited until I was asleep and sneaked nextdoor for sex with her.Still makes me feel sick and shiver to think about it.He text her saying " can't wait until next week lets hope they play ball" meaning hope your husband is away and she goes to bed early. If i hadn't seen it I would never have belived he could have been so cruel.
I think of it like this.It was so out of character for him to behave like this and he was in a fantasy land and it wasn't him if you know what i mean.It is the only way I know how to cope.He got carried away.
There is no easy way to get through this you have to ride it out and keep talking to him and us on mumsnet for support.
I never knew whether he wanted me because of the package he got with the children but only time can tell you that for sure.There is no way to prove it other than the way he behaves with you.My dh puts me first always.He never done that before the affair which is a positve thing to come out of it.
I also felt he was being nice because he was guilty.But a year on and those thoughts are fading slowly.
As for pushing him away with crying if that happens then he is just not worth it.He needs to know how much he has hurt you.Is he being suportive to you.I don't know how mant times I got like this and dh said sorry , wished he could turn the clock back.
When it first happend and for a good nine months after I cryed on lots of days.He sat and listend, we talked and we cuddled.I think it was the worst time in my life ever that the man I thought i knew so well could do this to me.
Relate did ask him if he thought he was a lad now he had had an affair and he said " no I feel so ashamed and embarrased ". One big question for him was he really didn't know why he had done it.She was not as attractive as me,we had more fun and the sex was not as good as what we had either and our sex life is great. They talked alot about his upbringing and this had alot to do with it and he had not been able to rebel against his control freak mother.Because I cared for him our realationship had become in his mind I was the parent and him the child.Here comes this woman who wanted him to be naughty as it were and his feelings stired.Affairs are not as black and white as she must of been better than me.He wanted extra sex.There are so many reasons.

mtipb, you can't let your self worry about driving him away with crying all time. If you need to cry, cry. He caused it. He needs to see the consequences of his actions. Then if he supports you still, you know he is sorry. I knowI did worry about this and to be honest I'm sure after six months my dh was pobably wishing i'd stop crying. But he also knew he'd caused it. Its two years since my dh had an affair and I cried all night last night (i did wait till after football!) because he hadn't told me a detail (that he'd paid for and how v expensive it was) about a meal he'd been for with a (v attractive) female colleague. So your dh perhaps needs to get used to how muchhis affair may have affected you now.

How many sessions did you have, im just worried about the cost as although he is on a really good wage nearly all of it is accounted for so im worried we wont be able to afford to continue with it

We had about 8 sessions then.I think they like to wind it up then but they do leave it open for you to come back if you want to and need it.We had a session last week because I hadn't been feeling so good and I am having a last session on my own this week.

Hi all,

Although I wish none of you had ever had to go through this I do find some comfort in others sharing their experiences andjust how similarly stupid men are!
I swear they get a manual "how to cheat on your wife" because the lines they all come out with, the thingshtey did and said whilst having an affair it is classic stuff so predicatable on one level yet of course so out of charater on another!
I am convinced my dh had a mid life crisis and I hear more and more women in our situation with men who have good home relatinships, lovely kids good job etc are 30/40 ish not the "type" to womanise and yet they do exactly what we are all describing!It's as if they "lose the plot" for a time and end up in this situation then realise the fantasy is just that not real and true THEN they see the reality is about to be lost and they "wake up"
mt1pb- all I can say as comfort is your dh sounds so like mine (I had the pleasure of reading 10's of emails between him and HER all lovey dovey stuff, one even on our wedding anniversary- her dh "kindly" sent me them when he'd found them on her computer!!!!" It hurt so much and still does. I made my dh sit there and go through each one with me telling me why he'd said that etc he ultimately said the same...he wrote what he thought she wanted to hear, it made him feel needed at the time, it was dangerous and new and not real!
He says over and over now how he wishes he could turn the clock back, how he'd warn anyone not to go down this path, how completely he let himself be taken over by the affair and how - in his words"I risked SO much for so very little"
It has taken time for me to accept his explainations, that he wanted me not just staying for the kids...but his actions now, how he still has to comfort me and he knows he deserves it...they tell me he is truely sorry.
Follow your haert and your gut instincts- I know you;ll be doubting them because you weer ignorant of his double life...but this is reality now...trust your judgement about him. Give it time and honesty and love that's all you can do- he has to work so hard now to "win" you back. Trust is so easily lost and so hard to give!

Well we went to our relate appointment yesterday and im not too sure about it but we both want to give it a go, i think i just expected more from it but it was our first visit, the councellor told us to keep our issues for the sessions but i find that quite hard at the moment to not say anything about things, ive had an up and down day, its been quite sureal really, one minute im laughing with him and chatting about normal things and the next im in floods of tears imagining him with her, its a really woerd feeling how sometimes i want him so much and then the next im scared of what is going to happen, normal i suppose though.

I have written her a letter stating that as my dh has had the unfortunate event to sleep with you, i thought it was only fair to tell you that he had picked up clamydia sp? from you so i suggest you get yourself checked out and inform anyone elses husbands whos lives you have been trying to distroy and been sleeping with (he hasnt by the way its just i though i would put her through getting tested). ive not yet posted it but im going to give it a few days then put it through her door so shes aware that i know where she lives (dh showed me as i asked him too).

Does anyone know where i can find out a telephone number without a surname pref for free, i know im angry and bitter at the moment but i would like to have a little fun with my revenge (nothing illegal)

Hi - I completely understand why you want to take some revenge on this woman but honey please be careful....at the moment you are above all they've done, you've not lied or cheated or behaved like a selfish child (they did all that and look where it got them)

My revenge was to bring reality into her world (and my dh) I went to see her, I saw her husband and her family (mum and dad) I made them all aware of the situation and how she and my dh were about to take a father from his 3 children and destroy 22 years of a good relationship......I know she couldn't cope with the reality especially when my dh had by then come to his senses. Perhaps what I'm saying is be careful not to open up a can of worms!!! You want this woman out of your life forever not in a position where she tries to contact your dh to clarify what you are telling her.

If you feel the need to post the letter then so be it...but perhaps give it a few days then think again...you are better than them you've done nothing wrong and you can look them all in the eye and say exactly that.

I was advised in counselling to write hate letters...letters to her or dh or whoever where you said anything you wanted no holding back BUT you never posted them...you destroy them later when the anger has subsided...I think this is really what you are doing. I;m just so affraid you'll end up more hurt from this. Please take care.

Mummyto1plusbump,

Re your comments:-
"I have written her a letter stating that as my dh has had the unfortunate event to sleep with you, i thought it was only fair to tell you that he had picked up clamydia sp? from you so i suggest you get yourself checked out and inform anyone elses husbands whos lives you have been trying to distroy and been sleeping with (he hasnt by the way its just i though i would put her through getting tested). ive not yet posted it but im going to give it a few days then put it through her door so shes aware that i know where she lives (dh showed me as i asked him too)".

Your anger and pain is understandable but I would urge you not to give into feelings of revenge as this will just end up making you feel even worse and her actually getting this letter could land you in an even worse mess. I know of someone who contacted the OW verbally and got cautioned by the police for her pains. You are worth far more than that so don't give her any satisfaction by contacting her. Ignore her and instead concentrate on your own self and family unit. You also need to get really angry with your husband, she is only part of the problem here. He needs to fully understand how much you have been hurt.

I would strongly urge you not to deliver that letter (destroy it instead) because it will just land you in a whole load of trouble which may involve the police. This may count as harrassment. Let her be and concentrate all your energies instead on your own self and family unit.

"Does anyone know where i can find out a telephone number without a surname pref for free, i know im angry and bitter at the moment but i would like to have a little fun with my revenge (nothing illegal)".

Revenge is a dish best served cold. Concentrate your energies instead on your own self and family unit. Read also "After the Affair" written by Julia Cole.

Attlla,

I do know what you are saying and i am very angry with my dh and he does know how angry and upset i am but this woman has gone all out to destroy me and at the moment (i may calm down though) i want to do the same to her, i doubt very much that i would get into trouble off the police as without me signing it she has no proof who it is off and then she would have to prove it was me, then i would most likely get a slapped wrist for a first offence, i may decide not to post it but at the moment i am too hurt by their actions to think of not doing

I know you are angry but please don't do it.Your dh was the one who promised to be faithful at the end of the day.Forget about this woman.If you are trying to make a go of it you must concentrate on you and him.
The woman that my dh had the affair with turns up from time to time.I tell you it is bloody horrible for me.Just when you think you have moved on a bit more and I am feeling well he makes hisself known.It spins me into being back where you are now.What I am saying is if you do this she won't let it drop and it will come back to haunt you and then you and dh have even less chance of moving on.
Burn the letter and think of hating her while it goes up in flames or something.
DON'T Do it.
Post on here when you are angry we are here to help.Cat if youlike

Taht was her husband turns up.Pisses me of too

Mummyto1plusbump,

Don't give her the satisfaction of knowing that you have been potentially destroyed by her - and his actions. Sending what amounts to an annoymous poison pen letter could likely land you in a whole load of trouble - trouble you certainly do not need at this time of crisis in your life. Do not send it tempting as it may be.

I would argue also that perhaps you DH does not fully yet appreciate the extent to how much you have been hurt by his actions. You are angry certainly towards her, you need to project this anger and pain towards him too. Channel these energies of revenge into something far more constructive - yourself primarily, your children and these Relate sessions.

Do read the book by Julia Cole too.

I know you are all right and i shouldnt send it, i guess i just have moments of madness, i will burn it although it is very tempting to send, i am working on my family and dh is working on me if that makes sense, i suppose one day i will look back on all this like a bad dream, i just wish that she and him were huring at least half as much as i am (although he says it hurts him to see me so upset i dont think that is anywhere near it).

My SIL gave me that book yesterday so im going to settle down and read it tonight and see if it helps

Thanks all

Weel done MummyTo1PlusBump. I would not give the slapper the satisfaction of knowing she has got to you. After my moments of anger at her I invited her to my home and asked her why.She said it was because he was nice to her. I told her that her behaviour would never hurt me and change the person that I was.I am strong and a good mum with many friends and she will still be a discontented woman for the rest of her life looking for someone else to make her happy.I didn't slag her of or anything and do you know that made me feel a million dollars.
I put my make up on everyday dressed up and got up and got on with my life. I realised very early on that I couldn't blame her for what happened.Yes I was bloody angry she had come on to him ,but he could have said no and he didn't.
You know I don't think i even hate her and feeling that has helped me move on a bit.I know it is too early for you to fell that

How are you today MummyTo1PlusBump ? hope you are feeling a little better

hi, im feeling a bit shit at the moment, i seem to be ok ad affectionate with him one minute and really upset the next, i think its harder because he is on nights and i worry that he could be going to her, although he has been declaring love all night trying to reasure me that he doesnt want her im just finding it hard, im wondering if he should maybe chage jobs but then she has won hasnt she?

I also read the book "After the Affair" but if im totally honest i found it rubbish, maybe i read it too soon though it was just i didnt get anything out of it, i will try again though.

I feel like im going round and round in circles and dont know how to get off

Sorry you are not feeling any better today.It is very early days you know and it will get easier I promise. Could he not get another job if that will make you feel better?

mt1+b how you doing? haven't heard anything from you for a while. Hope your ok

Hi, things have been ok and we are getting on really well together but then i get moments where i hate him and cant get over what he has done to us, im hoping that relate will help me with that but who knows, to him it seems like im running hot and cold but i dont know what else to do

Run hot and cold if that's what you need to do at the moment - and those who love you will work around it.

just wondering how you are MummyTo1PlusBump are you o.k ?

hi,

Im doing ok i think, still very emotional, although the relate is going well and dh is being very nice and attentive, I think i have all the answers that i need from him and am trying to move on but its hard going, the fact that he says he didnt want her but was scared to end it with her incase she told me, doesnt sit well with me, i mean she never made him any direct threats apart from " someone is going to get hurt here" and she did say that if he wanted to he could end it, but he says he knew what she would do if he did, so im not sure about that point, i think its aload of shit tbh but at the end of the day whatever has happened he has come to his senses at last, its just if i was a guy and i felt threatened by someone then i dont think i would be able to "get it up" so to speak lol, there has been no contact between them as far as i know and im struggling when he is working nights but i know thats something ive got to get over.

Hes on his 10 days off this week and converting the garage into a study, but he went to b&q and i was paniking as to where he was, another thing i have to get over i suspect.

I flit between extreemly angry and upset to that everything will be fine and tbh am really struggling with my emotions, but im hoping that whilst at relate i may be able to work through this as i do love him and want to work things out, i just feel like he has ruined so much and the last 7 years have been a lie as i thought we were relativly happy, not perfect but at least ok, i dont think being pregnant helps with the emotions tbh, but that is going well i went to the midwife yesterday and everything is going well, ive lost 11lb (that i needed to lose) so at least something good has come out of this mess.

Wow this is a long post lol, thanks for asking about me, im surviving and getting stronger every day

Glad to hear your doing o.k and getting stronger. Take care of you and your babies XXXXXX