devastated

[MummyTo1PlusBump]

As some of you will already know off the antinatal posts im 12 weeks pregnan with a 14 month old ds.

Well last night i recieved a knock on the door from a woman saying ive been asked to give you this, it was a note saying my wife has been sleeping wiht your dh for some time and we are divorcing because she says its love apparently, heres her number, ask her.

So i phoned the number and a woman answered, when i asked if she was sleeping with my dh she said im not answering any of your questions ask him. I then phoned him who denied it and only admitted to sleeping with her when i asked him to swear on ds's life, he says its not from her dh as they split up 2 years ago and no way is it love, he says it was a stupid mistake a one off never to be repeated, she has then apparently been stalking him via phone and when he brushed her off she has resorted to this.

Anyway i then chucked him out at about 3am and he went to his sisters, we hardly have sex as it is, he says cause hes always tired but if thats the case then why did he fuck here.

I dont know what to do ive been up all night crying, havent slept so sorry for any typos, i dont know where to turn, i moved 300 miles from my friends and family to be with him and i cant cope with it, i think i believe what he is saying to me but i cant trust my own judgment anymore, he swears on ds that it is the only time its happened, i love him dearly but my world has been shattered by this what can i do.

Thank you for reading so far

There is a book that you can buy called After the Affair by Julia Coles which helps.I was recomended this by Maturer.Its a Relate book but you can get it in any book shop.
Whens your appointment?

Honey I am so sorry you are going through this. I haven't been on Mn for a few days an only just read this. I always want to reply to these posts as I hope I can give some support having been through this awful trauma myself. I found great help and support (still do in my weak moments) when I was going through the worst of it- overdraft, longwaytogo, gravity and many others all support each other because we've been?are there too!

My dh had an affair nearly 3 years ago with a work colleague. I knew nothing until he told me (although it took him months to tell me the whole truth) and I was devestated too. At that time we'd been married 16 years, together 22, had 3 fantastic kids and were very happy. Now I know some people reading this will say how could you have been happy otherwise he's not have had an affair but when you are living it it isn't so black and white. I do recommend that book "after the affair" it is really honest and doen't just give the black and white view.

Let me say we are still together and closer and stronger than before....so please IF YOU WANT TO....it is possible to keep your marriage going. However it is a very slow painful process and honey at the moment I KNOW you are feeling like all your world has fallen apart and you are in shock and can't quite believe it. It's like you are livibng someone elses life...like a soap opera...nothing feels quite real but at the same time it is so real the pain hurts like hell!!
YOU ARE STRONG! you have already shown that you've been to see her and confronted your demon! I did that too I needed to know what I was dealing with and to bring reality into the situation. I have learned that an affair is not always an indicator of something grossly wrong in your relationship...my dh had some sort of a "mid life crisis" brought on by work/ redundancy etc- of course you feel well we can't be right if this has happened and probably. like us you've let life get in the way of the two of you. Without knowing you become distant and stop communicating the way you used to...both working, 3 children ..life gets in the way.

Now from what you.ve said I feel your dh has "woken up" to what he's done and what a fool he's been. Men think differenly to us, they put life in boxes and put lids on the boxes when they are dealing with another oart of their life. That's how he can be with her and not think of you!!!I realy struggled with that one because I could not touch another man and not think of my dh.....in time my dh was able to explian how without realising he was carrying out another fantasy life...escapism...not from me but from pressures of work etc

I've gone on too long but I do feel there is so much I can tell you if you want to know so plaese ask.

I went to see a counsellor...just for me forst...dh went alone too then we did some together. Be honest with your feelings our mantra became "no more secrets" that's what kills a marriage! I did not ask him to leave for me I wanted him there I felt he had to see and feel my pain as he'd caused it and for me (we are all different)I did not feel we could mend it if he wasn't there to experience and talk about it.
We are still together...I still have bad days but I do not regret sticking with it. Only you can say if you have a relatonship worth fighting for ( weighed up 20 odd yaers of greatness together against his few months of madness and decided to keep at it) You can do the same IF YOU want to you are in control now1 Take cre CAT me if you want.

sorry me again just read through your posts agian and I had to comment on the telling lies thing and him saying he didn't want to hust you more.
My dh took months to be truely open with me ...same explaination but he also realsied eventually that he didn't want to tell because he didn't want to verbalise just waht a fool and b~~~~~td hed'd been to me.

It has to be "no more secrets" otherwise you cannot move on .He has to realise that it hurts to hear the truth but it hurts even more to realise even after you know about the affair that he STILL isn't being straight with you. He's probably feeling a real shit now...he is...he needs to face all that open upfrony all the gorey details then you know what you are dealing with and you can make some kind of sense of it.

I learned from counselling you do not have to forgive him...some things are unforgivable..you do have to find some answers and sense in it all and find some way to make peace with what happened.Most of that is now upto him!

Thankyou, we are off the the beach with ds, how sureal is that, i knwo i love him and that i dont want to throw away the 8 years we have but the fact that he did this to me when he found out i was pregnant just makes me feel sick, especially as it was he who was over the moon about it and me that was unsure, thanks for the tip about the book i will get that one, i just dont know if love is enough and if i will ever forgive him for all the hurt and betrayal he has caused, im trying not just for the sake of us but for my ds and unborn baby, im scared that hes not the man i have known all these years and everything we had was based on a lie, i mean if he was able to keep this secret life for 6-8 weeks that what else have i missed if that makes sense, i feel really stupid and i suppose only time will tell as to whether i want to spend my life with him

I don't know what else to add really apart from I hope your day got better. Just keep riding that roller coaster hun it will get easier i promise.

Hope your day went ok.

I remember that feeling of thinking I had Mug written across my forehead....but you should not feel stupid all you did is trust which gave him the freedom to deceive you and abuse that trust. He is the stupid one I'm sure he's feeling that now,he has to work very hard now to get that trust back that is the hardest thing!

Love is enough.....you do not have to forgive him.

hi mummytooneplusbump, hope you are ok. i remember really worrying about whether i would ever be able to forgive him for the hurt and betrayal, and if not what was thepoint. But in the end it doesn't matter in some ways, it all takes so long to deal with that for me it was more about accepance, accepting that it had actually happened to me and that i couln't do anything about it. i had such strong feelings of just wanting it all to go away and go back to my old, normal life. and i still get that feeling from time to time now! To carry on and move on i don't kno whether you have to forgive him, somethings aren't forgiveable. but they can be survived by a couple and you can both learn from them.

I also really recocgnise what you say about feeling like you don't know your dh and everything being based on lies. i know that now it feels like you've been thrown in the air and come down and the worlds shifted. I remember that i felt that nothing else made sense. But it does get better, i think through talking and talking andd asking every tiny question you feel you need to. i think you then at least feel you know the truth at this time. Though you may feel like you never knew your dh, through talking we actually became closer and you can know him better through the raw, new depth of talking that an affair can bring. i think a bit of that feeling can always stay, it comes back suddenly like a haunting panic feeling, but it happens less. i think before i just presumed i knew everything my dh was thinking and doing as i thought we were so close. nowi think i accept we are two seperate people. There is a good bit in the julia cole book about you can't make someone trustworthy annd about jealousy and that the best form of revenge is to look after yourself and be a strong person for yourself,and really that you then have to just hope that your partner will want you for who you are rather than because thay aren't allowed anyone else. She explains it a lot better, but it made me think a bit differently and helped.

Keep being strong but don't worry that you feel like you're falling apart, you're entitled to. Looking back i was a complete wreck for a long time, but i needed to be! the strength of feelings an affair can cause mean you just have to cope day by day. and it won't do your dh any harm to see that. Whaat spook said is right, you really do just have to ride the storm and you will survive. do try and eat though as this kind of stress can really affect you physically. sorry to nag!

We did have a really nice day yesterday and did alot of talking about our relationship not just the affair, i think we have a hell of a long way to go and i dont know of we will make it but we are both commited to trying and thats the main thing, i know what you mean about never forgiving and acceptance being the way forward for us, we are going to relate on wednesday night and have both agreed that this could be a good thing for us to do as i know our relationship wasnt perfect before the affair only i didnt realise exactly how bad it had got, i have eaten something today and do feel a little better about things, we love each other and still want each other and in the long run hopefully things will get better im not saying i wont feel differently tommorow ir the day after that but right now i want to take it one day at a time and hope we survive the aftermath of what he has done, I still have an overwealming urge to hurt her as she has me as i think as a woamn i could never go out to hurt another woman with a family just for kicks as she has done, but what comes around goes around and my time will come with her. I have started eating today too so thats another good thing as i know i have to look after myself and my bump

glad to hear you've had agood day. It sounds like your dh is prepared to talk and it is good thathe wants to go to relate with you. hope it goes well.

I think this woman is already suffering anyway.

1. If she truly did have feelings for your dh and wanted him then she will be feeling crap right now that her little plan hasn't worked and he wants to be with you and has never loved her.

1. only sad discontented women with low self estem go after married men. They feel low and they make themselves feel better by pinching somebody elses man.It boosts their ego to know they can pinch men.

I bet this woman is sad and has problems of her own anyway and is unhappy.So find comfort in that.otherwise what sort of a woman would need to get kicks by doing what she has done.Even feeling as sad as you do right now I bet you are strong and good and wouldn't need to resort to that to cheer yourself up.
You don't know anything about her but the woman that had an affair with my dh is a very very sad woman who was jealous of what I had.She had has her own husband.He stopped earning the money, is ill and got attention for his illness. She watched us getting new cars, me wearing nice clothes and affording other luxuries and wanted what I had.My knob of a dh through this experience knows women so well now.I love him really.I saw her the other day and she looks still very unhappy and ill herself.Her husband couldn't care less about her now and she is only still there because he wants to be with the children (he told me). She told my dh she loved him.
I know a little about the others on here and all the women that are third party are all sad women for different reasons.

You are strong and doing so so well keep it up XXX

yes i think you're right overdraft. though when i met the woman my dh hadn affair with over a year afterwards she was sad but the strange thing was i think we actually would have got on well in another life.

overdraft is right though mummytooneplusbump, the woman is probably already unhappy and sad, don't waste your energy on her.

yep totally agree with latest comments, my dh other woman lives in a failed marriage where they just live under the same roof, we both pumped hours of time into this woman bec she was so sad, she spent hours crying on my shoulders and his about how sad his life was and one day they were both pooring their hearts out to each other and voala - they went to bed said how much it would hurt me and how much they both loved me but just couldn't stop - she had nothing he thought he had lost me.

Suppose what i'm trying to say is that it is me and children he chose when I found out, she is still the sad, lonely person that she was when we were all friends, she has lost her only true friends through this and her life now revolves as it once did before around her mum and her sister. Even her friend that she had had for donkeys years has nothing to do with her.

For me that should be punishment enough, but there are days when I still want to go punch her lights out.

hi there
just wanted to add my support

unfortunately my H wasnt that sorry or couldnt cope with my crying so 8 weeks after I found out, I told him to leave & he went str to HER.

My point is that my H obviously wasnt sorry enough (if at all)

I agree with the others that IF your DH is sorry, he will put up with you crying etc.

its a really good sign that he is repentant & wants to go to Relate

I feel for you - sadly there are lots of us out there - I really reallyt hope it all works out - there are plenty of people here with good advice AND have survived affairs....I have 2 good books which you are welcome to if you want them....CAT me

Hello all....a few familiar and welcoming "faces" appearing on this thread. Great to hear you are all still getting there and i love the way you've all broken silence to give strength to another of our not so exclusive club!

Mummyto1plusbump- your dh sounds as though he really does want to make this work, please let the mn's here help you when you need it. It is a rollercoaster of emotions you are on now and although in time it will slow down the emotions come and go as strongly sometimes as they were the day you found out. However it can lead to a positive, not that I would wish this on anyone but I feel afterthe trauma of the affair and trying to get through just 1 day at a time we as a couple are stronger. had it not happened I think perhaps we would not have gotten any closer with our relationship because we'd been together so long. There are many reasons why people have affairs your dh and you need to try and explore the real reason behind his so you can face it and make sense of it.

Most of us here experinced a time when our dh's didn't want to talk any more along the lines of you can't move on if you keep going over it BUT I think they'd all agree if there are still unanswered questions, if you've not been able to make some sense out of it then you will never move on and facing the details does help you put the jigsaw together. Try to make time for each other....we made an effort and still do to try and go out once a week just us...it's so easy to becvome distant without realising it and yes you both take each other for granted.

As for the revenge thing...the others are all right she's the sad loser in this.. he came back to you. Sex and the exhilleration of a clandestine relationship is a very powerful thing, it becomes a fantasy, not real and stops men (especially) thinking straight, they do put the lid on the box of real life and step in and out of this false relationship. However that cannot be sustained that's why it's something like 95% of affairs that never go futher because they are not real love, not true deep love...at the time the participants think it is but soon they realise (as your dh has all by himself) that this is not true , you can't live like that. My dh eventually said what afool he'd been and that he'd risked everything that was dear to him for so little...he feels a fool and is ashmed of what he did but at the time he kind of "got lost" in the strong emotions. Now he (and others say the same about their dh's) is so much more appreciative of us me and him and his family life. It is not easy the path you've chosen but it is possible. We wish you every success...realte will be painful but cleansing as long as you are both honest (don't be suprised if he takes a while to be totally honest and open up) I found out a great deal about myself with counselling as did my dh. I hope it happens for you. keep taking honey we are all there for you.

Hi maturer. Are you busy? fancy a chat?

Thank you all, i really do appreciate you all taking the time to tell me your stories and your words of comfort are really helping me, last night after quite a bit of soul searching between us both we ended up having sex, i know it was too soon and i know in reality it should have been the last thing that i wanted to do but when we kissed it felt like old times before all our relationship problems happened and as ive said earlier we very rarely had sex infact its amazing i got pregnant at all what with dh's shifts, having a toddler and all the rest of things that life throws at you, as stupid as it sounds it felt amazing to feel wanted and loved i havent felt that in such a long time. I seemed to gained the confidence in bed that i had lost about 2 years ago.

Im not saying that this has helped the situation or the right move on my part but i also felt that if we are to move forward then i had to face the demon of knowing that he had been elsewhere with it if that makes sense and i know we have a long way to go.

Ive been very up and down today, i go from sobbing my heart out to feeling ok again, my sis in law came home from holiday who has been through this has helped me lots (were good friends also) and he went there earlier today to speak to his brother and her about it and they both say how upset, remorseful and stupid he feels and is devastated by the hurt he has caused me

He will answer any question that i throw at him however much it hurts to hear the answer ( im not saying that he likes answering me just that he knows that i need total honesty to move forward)but i know also that i need to stop asking these questions as i have had the full story off both of them and i know totally in my heart that he doesnt want her. we have both agreed that when we go to relate that here has to be totally honesty there too or there is no point going so i think it will help.

I have an appointment with the midwife tommorow for my 12 week check so im praying that all this upset and the not eating hasnt harmed the baby , although it seems when i do eat something like a full meal i am throwing it up again so im in a no win situation there.

You cant beleive how much you have all helped me through this first few days and for that i thank you all and it does seem to help putting my thoughts and feelings down on paper.

I will keep posting and let you all know how things are going, thanks for listening xxx

do keep posting mt1pb, sounds like your dh is trying to work things out. i'm sure your baby is just fine, it will be nice for you to have the check though to put your mind at rest. take care x

mt1pbm- I am sure baby will be fine but do try and take care of yourself.
The sex thing isn't so strange to me....we never stopped having sex...possibly because we needed the intemacy and it was the one area of communication that was still so strong between us
I think we both found comfort in that special intimacy.

Hi all

Hes gone to work this morning and i cant sleep, i know its stupid but im scared that all his colleages will have found out by now and that he may have to deliver to her garage and the slim chance that she could be working today.

I started spotting yesterday plus when i got up this morning i slipped down the stairs, i didnt hurt the bump but have bashed up my hand so now im even more worried about this before, i feel like im watching someone elses life unfold and fall to pieces in front of me it like watching a soap opera

Hi Mummy I hope you're ok.. please take things easy go and see or call your g.p as soon as you can just to check yourself over I spotted a little during my first weeks in my first preg...but after 12weeks the baby will be quite established..stress can affect you so please try and stay calm okay.

Don't worry about that hag/bitch/arse(easy to say I know)and your DH he wants you!!just remember people always get what they deserve eventuallyand you can't control this situation.

Please update when you can babe.x

please update when you can

oh mummytobumbplusone. Life is so often like that isn't it don't just get one thing we get one thing on top of another. Please try not to worry about bump (easier said than done i know) you have midwive appointment today so hopefully will put mind at rest.

The sex thing isnt so strange to me either we did it within first week i think. The fact that he is making such an effort and that you felt comforted by him is all a good sign. As i read your comments it just made me remember those first initial feeling when he came back - how good it felt to be held in his arms knowing htat he had chosen me and wanted to be with me.

Today being on your own will be hard, but I was always so glad to see him walk back through the door again and just kiss or hold me.

Take care hun x

just wanted to say thinking of you.....please please take extra care of yourself and bump. You are running on adrenaline at the moment it's ok to do as little as possible and to let yourself grieve...because I am convinced that is the process you experience when this happens to you, grieving for the relationship you once had and for how the person you trust and love and want the most in the world could so easily put you out of their minds and turn to someone else.

However please also remember good can come out of this, the painful process of counselling can ultimately bring you closer...my dh now says he has the benefit of hindsite he will never let himself get into that situation again ( and I do think with men and the lids on boxes thinking thing they don't necessarily go looking for what they find...much is to do with time place circumstances and then their weakness)

you are in shock now you will probably go through days of anger followed by overwhelming love and sadness make sure you let him see all these emotions it is normal. (I remember feeling so alone and as if I were losing my mind) talking to others who have been there really helped. Please remember you are not alone...have you a good friend you can confide in?- I was so lucky my friends were not judgemental but supported me so much to make the decisions I wanted to make.take care honey.

Hi all ive been to the midwife today and everything is fine with bump i listened to the heartbeat, i told her everything so she could understand the not eating throwing up thing.

I do have to go for a shot of antid i think its called tommorow as in RH neg but other than that everything is fine with baby.

I have had a tough day with my emotions tpday i go from overwealming love for him to complete hatred, it was hard knowing he was woking there and that he could have had to go to her place of work but i think he is dreading it as much as i am (or so he says), he also brought the phone home today and i was able to see the texts she sent him one of them included "hi babe fancy meeting for illicit sex with your mistress, its like she got off on the fact that she was a shag on the side", he probably did too come to think of it, i know he wants me and regrets his actions but i do also believe that he led her on and made her think it was more than it was if that makes sense, he was a stupid fool and im still not sure that if she hadnt started getting heavy and wanted more from him then it would still be going on, maybe one day i will look back on it and it could have been a blessing in disguise that saved our relationship but right now the pain is too raw for me to even contemplate it, im taking things a day at a time and just seeing how it goes, at least then i can say i tried if it all goes wrong.

Im looking forward to relate and airing a few things that i think he needs to hear, i will keep you all updated.

Hi all i know im probably doing all your heads in at the moment but i cant sleep again, it was a bad night last night as i kept bringing up things and asking questions about what happened, i have also made him book into the sexual health clinic which he is not very happy about but i think he needs to do this for his own piece of mind as well as mine.

Hes gone to work now and i feel sick i want him but im struggling really badly with what he has done, when will the crying ever end!!

Hi mt1pbm,
The crying does stop but not for a while. I think I cried solidly for 3 weeks when I first found out.It was really wiered because I was trying to hide it from the children so kept going off to the toilet (told them I had an eye infection!)For months after I found when I got time alone eg getting in the car...the tears came. You really feel you are living someone else's life, like a soap opera and every now and then you stop to feed the children or do the washing it's a very strange process.
Slowly, very slowly these bouts of sadness slowed down and eventually I'd realise I hadn't thought about it for a morning then no crying for a day.
Nearly 3 years on there isn't a day goes by when it doesn't cross my mind at some point but now 95% of the time it does not upset me and I'm living the life we have now not then.I don't regret making a go of it, despite all the pain getting there.
Like you I'd wake in the night and cry or couldn't get to sleep....so honey I think it's normal what's happening to you, give yourself space, make your life as simple as you can for a time you need to focus on you....I'd strongly recommend as well as your couples counselling you heve some just for you- the feelings at times are so overwhelming it helped me make sense of it all.