Letting my partner sleep with other women

[Wanttopatchitup]

Hi All,

I know you will all think i am mad and a pushover but i wanted some honest opnions on something i have thinking about for sometime.

My husband of 12 years left me two years ago for another woman, i was broken, i did and continue to, really love him, he is my soulmate in everyway.

Although i know what he did was wrong, i do understand it as we very rarely had sex and i have allowed myself to become overweight, he isnt attracted to overweight women and so it caused a problem. I look very different now to how we first met he was very attracted to me intinally and our sex life was great.

I think also he struggles with no variety, i really think he would enjoy sex with another woman, but me as the love of his life, recently we have become close again and he wants us to get back together.

Im thinking of suggesting to him that we have regular threesomes (twice a month maybe) to stop him from looking elsewhere for sex and to reignite our sex life. i know this sound strange, but i would rather him to have sex with other women that i know about than he do it behind my back.

I think this would keep him satifised long term, if we had changed partner every so often to keep it interesting. Reflecting on my own behaviour in our realtionship, i do feel like in was partly to blame for his affair and want to make this work so much, as i adore him.

i suggested something similar a few weeks ago and he seemed very happy with the suggestion and felt that it would improve our marriage, he said that this is what every man dreams of, a loving wife who allows her man to explore sex with other women, without becoming jealous. he says that no love of affection would be involved for the other partner, just sex.

When he puts it like that it sounds like a sensible and forward thinking agruement- is it unfair of me to expect a young virile man like him to be faithful to me alone? and why should i be threathened by the fact that he wants to sleep with other women, he is a man and it is his biology.

Has anyone else tried something similar- did it work- or was it a disaster?? Im 36 he is 38 and we have no children, I wouldnt sleep with other men, it would just be women we would share our bed with............

As others have said - where is this mythical woman who will want to join this fucked up arrangement of you desperate clinging to a cheating partner?

You sound nice and I am sure you could go out and pull a hot woman (or a bloke) but why would they want to be a performing monkey for your DH? Lesbian/ bi women are not just doing it in a desperate attempt to impress men you know ;)

Or are you planning on paying some poor girl?

Get yourself on the Cambridge diet/down the gym to lose the weight and give yourself your confidence back.

Then say 'Actually darling, you didn't have a receding hairline/paunch/crows feet/hairy ears/smelly feet when we met, so I'm not attracted to you any more.'
Sounds rather shitty, doesn't it?
Don't let him treat you like that.

When you love someone isnt that what you do?? Im trying to come from a place of love for my husband here

When you love someone you don't give them the ultimatum of let me shag other people or you want have me either.

If i can give him sexual variety and excitement within our marriage, then he says he would love me all the more for understanding and accepting his needs, he will be able to be his true self with me and we can explore our desires together

But it isn't what you want flower! They aren't your desires.

Sex isn't a bodily function to most men, wanking is!
What he wants is to wank into someone else.

Real, loving, monogamous sex can be exciting,dirty,fulfilling for most people.

If you do this, how long do you think its going to be before the requests become even more unreasonable? Something that makes you feel uncomfortable or scared? How far will you go to please him?

Your husband doesn't deserve you if he tells you stuff like that. He wants everything his way. A loving wife who is prepared to do anything to keep him, and being able to shag loads of women. That doesn't mean he loves you, it means he's using you.

I disagree with posters who say that genuine loving men never even so much as think of sex with other women. How do we really know what our partners are thinking, we only ever know what they tell us they are thinking. I don't wish to know the deepest darkest secrets of my partners mind because I think I wouldn't particularly approve. All I need is to know that what he tells me he thinks accords with what he actually does. For me, I am told he is faithful and have no proof that he has ever been unfaithful, and that is sufficient.

I don't think monogamy is natural, I think it is socially constructed from deeply patriarchal property and social relations where women are seen as property. There has always been a double standard where men sow the oats and women stay or at at least appear to stay chaste.

I think honesty and integrity are more important than being sexually exclusive, as long as it suits both partners and it isn't simply a case of making huge compromise to your own welbeing.

OP, you say you have nothing to lose, I think you have a lot to lose if your sense of self worth are tied to your feelings for this man and by definition how he feels for you. You think he is your sole mate, are you his?

As others have said, your sole mate would not have left you for another woman, your sole mate wouldn't use emotional blackmail so he could get his end away, your sole mate would not compromise your self worth by insisting you make compromises to your own sense of what a relationship should be, simply to satisfy his sexual wants. Your sole mate would be someone who was honest from day one about what sort of relationship they could offer you, they would also be open to the possibility that they might not be the best person to make you happy, they certainly wouldn't be blackmailing you after you make a commitment to change the terms of that commitment.

You say, "What have I got to lose?" I think many people have pointed out what you have to lose. Your self esteem, self respect, self confidence. It doesn't sound great right now, but I can't imagine what it would be like after this. By all means try, but don't be surprised if you end up in a worse situation than you are now. There's many possible outcomes of this (all not good imo) which many have outlined. You have A LOT to lose, several years of life and possibly your mental health. You think he is worth risking all this for, I see. What would he sacrifice for you?

I'm all up for being sexually experimental. By all means, introduce a second woman into your bed. It could be fun, and you sound curious about it. BUT! What happens if you hate it? It's more difficult than you realise to see your husband enjoying himself with another woman. You need to be secure with yourself as a person, your relationship with him, and yours with her is very important. I'm going to suggest you're not at the right place mentally for this. There's a few red flags here for me. He'll "love you more for being accepting"?? He's not worried about how you feel. Could he promise not to continue shagging around if you weren't on board in the end? Would he stick to any pre-agreed rules like no french kissing (or whatever you feel you might be uncomfortable with)?

Can you lose the weight you sound like you want to first? Would he still find you attractive then and be happy with just you? If my DH had told me that having the right to threesomes or sleep around was a dealbreaker for him, then he could fuck the fuck off. It's a great way to explore, but it is NOT a good way to try and mend a relationship. He needs to concentrate on YOU first.

Your sex life should not be the be all and end all for anyone. If he can't bear to have sex with you, that's not very loving. I can see what you're going for here but it's not going to ultimately work. If you're not good enough for him and he needs to sub you with another woman, he will eventually leave you for her.

I guess what I'm trying to say is 3somes can be amazing, but if a relationship is fragile, it will make it worse not better. Agree with everyone else here, if he can't love you for you regardless of a little extra weight - which a lot of us get as we age - find someone who will.

If your husband's ideal woman is Nigella Lawson, she is about 2-3 stones overweight (despite the flattering camera angles)

You are being fed a line, and are swallowing it like a goldfish

OP I think what you're proposing as a situation does work in some relationships, but you need to have a loving stable relationship first, one where it brings you closer together because its something you both want and enjoy.

Your weight has only become an issue on this thread because you made it one. I'm probably bigger than you are and i dont carry it well, my extra weight is all round my middle. If my DH told me he didnt fancy me then used it as an excuse to shag around he'd be told to fuck the fuck off. There is not one person here who thinks you deserve to be cheated on because you're bigger than when you met him. If he'd rather shag other women because he doesn't fancy you anymore he shouldn't have vowed to be faithful to you for better for worse IMO.

Think about how your relationship was before he cheated. Would you have been happy to watch him shag other women, and even enjoy it, or is this just to keep him? I think that's where your answer lies tbh.

I cant believe someone has suggested the Cambridge Diet That is a quick fix And a quick route to gallstones.

I think you'd be better off seeking counselling and improving your self esteem + his view of women. I have gained lots of weight since meeting my bf (in only 4 years) but he says he loves me and fancies me anyway - I'm sure that with some work your husband could say that too. If it was for both of you to explore sexually I would say ok with caution, but in this case I think it would be extremely destructive. Sorry =(

We need sgb here.

I'd like to know if there are actually enough attractive young ladies out there who would be willing to sleep with some sleazy entitled bloke trailed by his desperate-looking wife with a fixed rictus smile on her face.

It sounds utterly unsexy to me

Probably not many unless it involved a cash exchange - which is where I see this going tbh.

What would you do if your DH got the other woman pregnant?

YY Af Hope SGB sees this thread.

Your marriage is effectively already over. It sounds like so much effort trying to hang on to this chump. Meet someone else. Sleep with a woman if you genuinely want to. But ditch him.

If your desirability and your lack of sexual adventure are the only flies in this soul mate utopia, why haven't you addressed it? A diet and and the Karma Sutra seem a lot less soul destroying than watching your H ejaculate into a succession of random women. Or have you not mentioned the above because deep down you know it's threesomes or nothing.

You say your H doesn't find you attractive and is dissatisfied with the level of sexual variety. Do you really think you'll look more desirable to your H while he is ejaculating into some skinny woman next to you. He'll probably end up half heartedly having pity sex with you (the good stuff will be reserved for his skinny acrobats) so you don't get all jealous.

Where are you planning to source these "up for it women? Would they all be anonymous or would you agree to acquaintances, colleagues, friends or family (I'm sure he has a few women in mind)? Would you use escorts or prostitutes to take up the slack if your preferred supply dries up?

How frequently will you swap them? Will you allow repeats (I'm sure he'll have favourites which he'll want to use again)? Will you allow twosomes? Would you have a veto?

What happens if he gets attached to one of these women, or if one of these randoms gets attached to him and gets all stalkerish on your ass?

What if there is a contraceptive failure and one of them gets pregnant?

Would he be discreet or wouldn't you mind him telling his friends about your revolving bedroom door policy?

You can answer some, if not all, of the above questions OP because you "have been thinking about this for some time", right?

Your self esteem and self worth has taken an almighty battering but if you are seriously considering this, then it appears they have much further to fall.

This proposal is all about his wants (not needs). You are in a weak position in this scenario because he knows you need this to work more than he does and therefore any boundaries you may have will come under constant pressure in his favour.

The price of staying with this man is too hight and in the end it will bankrupt you emotionally.

Whilst I am having a little muse on this, I got to wondering about threesomes and the relative percentages of FFM as opposed to MMF shenanigans.

I could take an educated guess, I suppose

I can imagine this fuckwit bloke shooting his mouth off in the pub. "Er indoors lets me fuck other women while she watches". How romantic...

See the problem is, this is not going to work.. Its not going to give you what you want.

Still I suppose it's better than getting pregnant to keep him I suppose.

He will still fuck about on you, even if you start having threesomes to make him happy. However as you seem adamant. Condoms many condoms.

He'll still be cheating on you OP, only he'll be doing it right in front of you.

And I say that because of your reasons for doing this.

Thanks for your honest replies, SIMP

Some of us are actually talking out of our arses, and I hold my hand up to that

I have no idea how all malarkey this works but I absolutely agree that if one half of couple is coerced (as OP is being coerced) then it can only be really bad news

The only thing I have to say to the OP is if you had a daughter or best friend or sister who asked you the same question what advice you give?

It's a no-brainer I'm afraid.

He has cheated, wants to come back but as you are overweight and not doing it for him anymore he wants the sex with someone else. In fact you are condoning this because you think he is your soul mate. Sorry, he isn't as if he was he would never treat you like this. Period.

Why on earth would anyone put up with this I do not know unless they are so fearful of being alone and have such low self esteem! Carry out this plan and it will end in tears I'm afraid - yours!