Support for those in Emotionally Abusive Relationships : thread 25

[CharlotteCollinsismovingon]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
A check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Why financial abuse is domestic violence Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
Warning signs you?re dating a loser Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie If you?re a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out - You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
Heart to heart - a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

What couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
Should I Stay or Should I Go bonus materials This is a site containing material for men who want to change - please don?t give him the link - print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
What you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

Hey better, how are things with you? No, not been to any more WA events, it was a summer programme so I guess there might be more running in October half term maybe. But DS1 is still seeing his WA worker, has first proper session with her tomorrow since June so will see how he gets on. not that I am allowed to know anything that is said, cos I am not!!!!

Awww hope DS1 gets on ok tomorrow - I am sure he will get a lot out of it. Hope there are some more for you in October - I keep thinking I will look for some near me. We have a good social life but I sometimes wonder if we would both benefit from being around people who have been through simialr? what do you think? We have never had any support - FW gets is all

Work is really busy at the moment - trying to get some extra hours as the finances have been hit hard with sol fees and Christmas will be here before I know it. DS been very angry since some court ordered fwittery through the door the week before last, he wants nothing to do with FW and even the mention of him sets him off. I have been told in no uncertain terms a number of times he doesn't want to talk about it. He does seem a bit calmer after the school rountine has been put in place. Thanks for asking. He is still waiting for someone to come and talk to him so that is playing on his mind - it has been over two months of waiting for me now but I only told DS four weeks ago - shocked they make DC wait this long. Don't want to say too much more but you get my drift

bounty am hoping you're ok and the silence is because you have moved. let us know you are ok if you can.

Hi. Not sure if this is the place for me but here goes.
Apologies if it all comes out incoherently.
I have lost respect for (d) h and just feel we no longer have a future.
Examples.
Had 3rd child 1 year ago. She was not planned and he has basically accussed me of getting pregnant on purpose. Since than he has twice said that we should have aborted her. Once in front of our 6 and 9 year old.
During a misunderstanding he told dd aged 9 that I was stupid. She was upset about this.
He asked me what was making me cry on the day of my dad's funeral .
He never clean s up after himself. Will get a beer etc and leave bottle and top on workssurface etc.
Basically feels that because he works long hours he should be able to relax in the evenings. When I complained about this he basically said he was unable to do it as he was too tired. Making him do it would cause him to crash car.
As he is on a good salary we lost child benefit. I always thought I would carry on claiming it as it is my only money I receive now ma has ended. At the last minute he demanded I waive my right as he didn't want to do a tax return.
Now he does pay money into my account to cover dds and I use a joint cr card but I hate having to justify what I spend. Has in the past said things like "what have you spent my money on"
So lots of little things which together make me feel its over. Currently posted about financial side of divorce as it all seems hopeless.
Tonight he sat watching tv whilst I did baths and hairwashes etc for all3 dc. Just makes me resent him so much.
Thank you for reading my rant.

I am currently sahm. Just finding it too much to return to work.

Hi epic78. Yes you are in the right place and you are very welcome although I am sorry you have had to find yourself here.
Re. the child benefit it sounds like he is trying to financially control you.

Keep posting.

Have you contacted WA?

If any of my vixens can spare a few minutes for bingo, I'd quite like that. No worries if not.

better - get in contact with WA for sure. Get as many resources behind you as possible, no bad thing against your FW. It is bad that they have made DC wait so long to be seen, but glad (in a way) to hear that he's so anti hearing from his dad. He's got a good head on his shoulders, obviously.

Hey epic sorry to hear about your situation. It does indeed sound like you need to be here, unfortunately. Financial abuse, emotional abuse, just for starters - what about the rest of the relationship? Do you find yourself walking on eggshells around him?
Definitely contact WA if you can, even by email if you can't get through on the phone. And get yourself a free half-hr solicitor appointment for information-gathering purposes.

Thank you ladies. No I haven't yet. Guess it's hard to accept this is abuse but it can be equally harmful.

Try not to get caught up in labelling it and accepting it as abuse - that will come later. Just know that he does not treat you well, does not treat you with respect or as an equal, and that being in this relationship is making you very unhappy. You have tried to talk to him about it, he refuses to engage or try to work towards changing his behaviour, so you have no reason to believe that things will ever get any better if you stay together.
That's enough of a reason to want out in itself.

Thank you. Good advice

Welcome epic. The early days of 'realisation' can be very overwhelming, so take it one step at a time. Keep on posting so we can help, we've all been there - some of us are still with our abusers. Finding someone safe to talk to (like Women's Aid) is a real must.

Unfortunately in my case better, my family (even extended ones like the ones we were with last weekend) would probably never say anything to FW. This is the same family who used to watch my Dad hit me in public all through my childhood, without ever once telling him to stop. So they aren't the kind of people to help me now. There's only one person in my life who knows the real situation, and she's a friend who lives on the other side of the country. So no support either.

You ok, Colin?

hey all, sorry you are here Epic.

Thought for the day: as Winston Churchill said "KBO"

fool, had to google KBO, but it's just perfect. Might get a tattoo of that...! How are things with you?

selfishly de-lurking in the hope of a pick-me-up.Ignore ignore is the mantra, but how do you do that?

FW has yet again been confiding in DD and telling her to keep secrets. Making me look bad, being patronizing about me, telling her things he should be talking to me directly about.

I'm so tired and fed up and this has been the final straw. I should be getting work done, or an early night, or cleaning the house. Instead I can't be arsed to get off the sofa or do a thing.

I know I need to ignore and crack on with life as if he's an irrelevance but how to do it?

sorry so me me me hope you're all doing OK.

Noregrets - remind me, how old is DD? He should not be 'confiding' in DD no matter what age confiding my arse, he's manipulating her, and telling her to keep secrets is a Very Bad Thing. He is using her. You can't ignore that, I don't think - although maybe that's his tactic, do something you can't ignore so you have to engage. In which case, perhaps you need to know exactly what you want to say to him and say just that without being drawn in to anything else.

DD is 9. He tells her to keep all sorts of things from me, many of which are not even important but which stresses her out. How he still loves me, that he bought beer, that she stayed up late, that his dad used to hit him, that he doesn't eat when she's not there... the list is endless. The latest is that the cat won't live til next year (vet doesn't agree) and he'll take the cat to his as it likes him better.

Have I just outed myself?! I've picked the brains of various people including the school nurse and my counsellor. General consensus is that I should just keep an eye, rather than betraying her confidences but it's really pissing me off.

I've concentrated on telling DD that no grown up, including me, and including her dad, should ask her to keep secrets from her parents.

and yes I do think a lot of things are designed to get back to me to get me to engage. Another reason I haven't , as his tactic Will have worked and he'll do it more!

Sounds like you've gotten good support already. Can DD tell him to stop telling her these things? Maybe say to him that she doesn't like being asked to keep secrets so she wont, that he's stressing her out? Might give her a sense of control for herself.

I've suggested that she says to him she doesn't like keeping secrets, but she just says she would never dare say that to him. That says a lot in itself! At some point I'm going to have to speak to him about it, but I really worry it will make things worse. At least she's talking instead of clamming up.

It is good that she feels strong enough to confide these 'secrets' to you. that she would not dare tell him to stop but what you would expect. i wonder if there is something she could hold onto when he is selling her things so that she does not have to takethem in iyswim. a tune or a thought or something. not sure if it would work.

The fact that she tells you anyway and that she seems aware that it is not right that she dare not ask him to stop suggests she has some awareness that he is the problem here.

Quick post as we're leaving shortly for the wedding. Just sat in front of the tv with a cuppa, FW starts trying to tell me some random uninteresting story while I'm telling DD to get down from the arm of the chair. He starts grumping that I'm not listening, I tell him I'm trying to sort DD out. Totally out of the blue he SCREAMS at DD - making the cat leap in the air, making me jump and then DD goes hysterical in fear. I yelled at him and he stormed off.

WTF is wrong with him! Im afraid, for DD mostly. He turns at the drop if a hat.

rose what is up?

nini what a twat . i used to think it was stress/ poor anger management but starting to think that sudden flick of the switch is totally deliberate tactic to create fear and to control. FW would say but you shout too and i would say but i always as them nicely at least twice before i raise my voice even a little bit so they have the chance to know they are supposed to be doing/not doing something. you cannot shout at them out of the blue as it were. he used to then sulkand say well you make All the decisions don't expect me to help and that is why they have no discipline.

I tried explaining that discipline is about them knowing what they are supposed to do and doing it either to please you or because they can see the sense in doing it e.g. they don't run off in crowded places because they understand it is dangerous. they get dressed because you give them a high five or a big hug.

He thought discipline meant control.

And i had formulated that statement 'discipline is not the same as control by fear' and said it to him long, long before I realised that he was abusive. i.e. i knew it waswrong i just didn't know what to name it.

Well he locked himself in the bathroom for ages having a shower and is now acting like it never happened. Hes angry because im angry with him - apparently as DD has forgotten it (shes 2!!) I should too.

Off now for another long weekend. See you guys soon and as Fool said- KBO!