Support for those in Emotionally Abusive Relationships : thread 25

[CharlotteCollinsismovingon]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
A check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Why financial abuse is domestic violence Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
Warning signs you?re dating a loser Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie If you?re a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out - You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
Heart to heart - a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

What couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
Should I Stay or Should I Go bonus materials This is a site containing material for men who want to change - please don?t give him the link - print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
What you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

nini - that's actually pretty selfish of him (although why that should be a surprise, I don't know). He's coming home late regularly because he's doing something for himself, and not bothered even telling you the truth until now or even checking that him coming home late is not making things more difficult for you, or given the option of him being on time and helping you out a bit more?
Love the idea of your bingo sheet though...!

fool sending good vibes your way. Hope the court visits are going ok for you and getting you closer to a good outcome for you and the kids. Must be draining though. Hope you are ok.

midwife - welcome. Take your time, tell us more about your situation in your own time, and have a look at the links in the OP to see whether there's any help to be had there, even only in recognising your own situation.

I'm currently reading "Women who love too much" & have read "Why does he do that" & both contain familiar stories.

To cut a VERY long story short, emotionally neglectful parents who ignored me didn't keep me safe resulting in me being sexually abused by a french waiter for 2 weeks on holiday. They were workaholic publicans who left me to fend for myself most of the time from the age of 9.

I left home at 17 to live with a violent man.

I have been married 3 times. The first H was a "recovered" cocaine addict who was physically & emotionally abusive & stole from employers & me to fund a relapse. I left him, sold the house to pay his debts & moved away with 2 small DSs.

I rebounded into marriage 2 with a man who swept me off my feet & became extremely abusive in every possible way very quickly once we were married & I was pregnant. He was removed by the police & courts when DD was a few months old.

I stayed on my own for the next 3 years & thought I had been very careful to spot red flags in any man I met.

I eventually met 3rd H & we dated for a year & a half before getting married but very soon afterwards when I was pregnant he "changed" (of course I didn't notice the big red flags to warn me earlier). He spent 3 years frequently threatening to leave me, told me I was controlling & he had made a mistake marrying me & withheld sex & affection & criticised my appearance & character & had an emotional affair with his married cousin who he had had a fling with around the time we met. He then turned out to have a history of drug & alcohol abuse.

We separated in May 2012 after what seemed to be a nervous breakdown & psychositic illness on his part. After a few weeks he started treatment & we got back together although have continued to live apart. He was very remorseful & seemed to have huge insights into his behaviour & we are about to start couples therapy & move back in together in a couple of months.

However massive red flags have started to appear though. Outbursts of fury & anger. Awake half the night. Pressuring me for sex (I've started refusing when I don't feel like it which is new to him). Drinking heavily. He woke me a couple of mornings ago at 6am shouting "fucking pig" because apparently I snored when he grabbed me.

Last night he said he was aware he was becoming unwell again & thought he would start medication & I gently suggested he return to the GP for advice & re referral & he became extremely upset, shouted "fucking bitch" & left again.

I'm at the end of my tether & actually can't take anymore so an going to try (!!!) to resist seeing him or be persuaded to overlook it.

How do I break the cycle of these abusive relationships I seem to choose. I am aware I am probably codependent & I know it's because if my childhood but how do I stop this story of my life.

In other ways I'm strong, assertive & "sorted"!

Hi all,

Joining the thread. I have a thread here that covers some of my problems with DH and where I am at at the moment: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1803267-Guiltripping-me

Not sure what I am looking for from MN, but I have read this whole thread and feel happier that there are others with the same sort of problems as me.

Hanbury

Sorry www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1803267-Guiltripping-me

nini any chance of posting your bingo card before you go? I realise you must be busy, but otoh I am itching to know your predictions

A welcome to the newcomers, a wave to all, will catch up properly in a bit.

Nice to see you Hanbury and well done for being brave! There are some lovely people on here day and night to chat to and validate your feelings.

nini thanks you've jogged my memory and yes I think I can get it through my employer. I will look into it, I think counselling would help. Feeling a bit better today thanks after re-reading my threads last night and reminding myself what a shit he is. Also been real busy at work

Hope alls well with you

themidwife this man does sound as if he may be mentally ill, possibly dangerously so. You say he has left - what will he do next, if true to form? What is your housing situation? Can you lock him out?

Do not hesitate to ring the police if he turns up threatening, stay safe.

Midwife and Hanbury. Welcome.
Midwife, your story is definitely traumatic. I think the main thing you can do is look after yourself and your DC and not let this man back. Have you read Lundy's book? Comes highly recommended. Hugs.
Hanbury, I will read your thread later but justwanted to say hi and send you strength.
Jackie, good to hear you are feeling better today.
I'm trying NC and its killing me. Im itching to text, email, call but I havent. My SiL pointed out that I need to be strong with NC otherwise he will be happy with having his cake and all that. She has been through it with fw's bro. Met a friend for lunch. Was good to talk. Like therapy.
Ive realise I dont like being on my own? Any tips to overcome this?

Welcome Hanbury I will try to read your thread later.

nini yy to bingo card. I am going for at least one asking you to do something for him he could do for himself just because he has seen you sitting enjoying yourself manoeuvre. - sorry not very easy to fit on the bingo card so will call it lazy arse move or stop nini relaxing to wait on FW move.

I could have been busy all day while he watched telly and if I asked him to do one thing he would only do it if he established that I was also busy- 'why, what are you going to be doing while I am doing {this monstrous task you have given me} {something that takes less than a minute}?'

and if he is like mine in the presence of food- then at least one 'where's mine' or 'how come you get more than me' or how come you/he/she got x and I didn't?' a.k.a. the poor hard done by me which even my dcs have now grow been trained out of

lord how I don't miss him.

midwife welcome. sorry missed your post earlier- will go catch up now.

and all the rest [blush[

sending you strength through the court cases
let us know if we can help.

nini oh god my FW used to do same both thinking that losing weight was the answer to his problems and then making his weight loss everyone else's problem and selfishly doing things for himself like organising his entire life around fitness classes and expecting me to be delighted and then saying well you should go to some more classes too. eh? like when? and who will be minding the dcs. his answer- ask your friends (too look after the dcs)

I have been away for a couple of days so just catching up.
silvery I also wanted to ask to see nini's bingo card - good luck Nini and what a great idea to make one it, hopefully it will help keep you sain - think of us everytime you tick - we are all there with you, I hope it does take the sting out of the fwittery and that you have chance to spend time with the other people and have some fun.
Fool - sorry to hear this We are doing ok though with court cases and much spaghetti head making f'wittery it is sometimes hard to see the wood for the trees! I feel that line with every inch of me and send you all the strength you can imagaine I asked a dear departed relative to help me from heaven the other day and then a really strange but great thing happened to exfw!!! not that he will think it is great - can't really post in case I have spies.
Have had a couple of days of enduring fwittery, front line, armed with kitchen utencils I was - DS not reacted well at all but he seems in some ways stronger and whilst he gets mad at it, he doesn't seem to get as upset - I think that is a good thing. I have been up and down and just wanted to say I really feel like you are my only true lifeline.
Jackie been thinking about you a lot
rose yes to the head space thing - I think what fool has said about the wood for the trees is very true because of that too. Even though FW thinks he is meeting DS needs it is ALL about him and DS sees it even at his tender age. GO DS!!!! Midwife and Hanbury* Welcome from me too _ I am behind on posts but wanted to say that you have come to the right place there are some wise people on here who have helped me more than any professional I have seen apart from Lundy who I havnt not had the pleasure of meeting but agree about the book if you haven't read it.
flora I felt lonley at first now I love being on my own. I first I just had to tollerate it and then I found things to do to help with that and they I started to like it and now I don't feel like I am alone enough.
The fwittery of the week and work crisis has put me back, I feel like I am not panicking like I once would, I am telling myself I will deal with it tomorrow.... and catch up then. I think I have drawn strength from DS, it shouldn't be like that I don't think but I feel that is how it is today. I also gain strength from seeing you all doing it. I am off to catch more on this thread - I have missed people I want to say hi too.

midwife sorry you have been through so much don't blame yourself and be kind to yourself first of all.
Have you been on the freedom program or had counselling?

better are you ok? Sounds like an eventful week.

Am sure i had some inspiration a moment ago but now i am having a senior moment and i have not even been on the

bounty breathe i am getting the feeling you two are next to get on the train that goes onwards and upwards. carriage awaits. let us know when it is time for the bells and whistles

rearviewmirror are you out there? Hope all is ok. wishing you much much strength. (((hugs))) have been thinking of you.

I think I am ok mink thank you. I take even an hour of contentment as a good sign I need to knuckle down at work tomorrow, forget Fwittery for a day and sort some things there. Sometimes another crisis helps with fwittery as however bad the other crisis is, it isn't as bad as fwittery and it distracts - if that makes any sense at all

Me too for the train, Mink! I heard today that I've definitely got that house. :o

Just flitting in and out tonight.

Sorry charlotte of course, you seat is reserved too
I can hear the training rattling along to your stop shortly. it says 'this too will pass. this too will pass. this too will pass.' as it goes

rose peace at last.

Welcome to newcomers and sorry your circumstances are such that you had to seek this thread out - however, having come here you will find the support and understanding that will make all the difference.

Mink you lifted my heart with your words

Fool I think of you often and wondered how you were doing. You have counselled so many, I think you deserve a medal (literally, much more than these sleb types who actually get them!)

I need to read back to catch up now.....

I am being treated to poison pie now after slurpy goo. Both disgusting.

charlotte yay for house!

Rose yay for peace and being happy!

Looks like things are looking up for some of us. Excellent! I planned on doing some more catching up tonight and got caught up getting my grocery shop done instead - took forever. sigh

I'm mentally in a much better place today. Less stressed and more feeling like I am in control of my life again. I had a bit of a communication problem with H yesterday, but finally managed to get my point across without any arguments.

rose don't beatyourself up for having fallwnfor him congratulate yourself for having left.

Re. stair gate that really is your choice.
Although i hope you have proper smoke alarms. a uni flat will i imagine. you can get the fire service to give you a home fire safety visit too- it is their job so they will be pleased to.
really in event of a fire/smoke alarms going off you should teach DD to stay in her room with the door shut and lie on the floor.
(sorry i have bit of a fire safety thing because of something that would out me)

At the moment skyping ex seems to helping you see him clearly but be wary he is probing you looking for chinks.he may catch you on a bad day and exploit that by making you feel he needs you. he is FW they are devious manipulative users who are intent on having their needs met.
Try to cut it down and then stop.
Remember nothing can drag you down if you are not holding on.

rose my sugguestion is to try not having the stair gate on, and putting DD calmly and quietly back in her own bed, presuming you don't do this already. It may take a few nights but it will be worth it. You need to get a good sleep pattern established for you both before the start of term.