Support for those in Emotionally Abusive Relationships : thread 25

[CharlotteCollinsismovingon]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
A check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Why financial abuse is domestic violence Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
Warning signs you?re dating a loser Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie If you?re a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out - You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
Heart to heart - a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

What couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
Should I Stay or Should I Go bonus materials This is a site containing material for men who want to change - please don?t give him the link - print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
What you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

flora size 14 is not overweight!!!!

My FW always tried to make me feel overweight (I'm not) but I still feel boring, 'mumsy' (one of his favourite criticisms), awkward.

Dork is a great word. FW is definitely a dork.

If I wasn't scared of needles I might be signing up for the tattooed middle finger. I will smile when I look at my middle finger tonight!

Have spoken to DMum, She thinks I should listen to you lot on hear and not mention leaving on Saturday until much nearer. She says you are all experienced. Do you think it is that important?

Durr listen to you lot on here

yes. forewarned is forearmed.... why give him the chance to gather ammo, so to speak

bounty fore-warned is fore-armed for a FW (well for anybody actually). So I would keep silent I think.

I just think you should do what is best for you and DD only (ie not FW), which is to get out and get yourself to the house safely and with the minimum of fuss. If you tell him, you risk a lot of fuss being made, and that will be difficult and upsetting for you, and DD. Once you are out the fuss is from a distance and you can manage and deal with it easier.

The only reason to tell him is through a sense of doing what is 'right', but that benefits him and not you. It's social obligation you are getting caught up in, not what's best for you. Be completely selfish and only think about you and DD.

I am only experienced in my situation, so I can only talk from that perspective. But from what you've said about your FW, I worry that the fuss would be big, if he gets the chance.

I dont think you should tell him either. Prepare him a note which can be left. Or you could tattoo your middle finger with an appropriate goodbye message! I have a spare room if youre stuck!

Lots of x-posts tellng me to do the same thing :)

pony spot on. The main reason for giving him warning is to stop him going round saying "well I came home and she had gone without even having the decency to speak to me first". To be honest most of our friends are my friends anyway and I dont think he really likes many of them. So I suppose even if he shouts that from the rooftops it really doesn't matter.

OK will stay schtum tonight

Thanks flora I have a bolt hole up and ready to go.

I do need to get the tv and a couple of other things out but nothing I cannot survive without at first

Hi everyone sorry I've lost track of the threads in the last few days as I've been working. Hope everybody is ok and the FW's not causing too many problems. Will have a catch up in a bit

I just need a bit of hand holding and encouragement please. Bee feeling so down today. In fact I think my emotions have fluctuated more today than since we split almost 4 weeks ago. I'm desperately upset athe thought of him having sex with someone else, I'm convinced there must be somebody now because he would never stay away this long and I can't see him going without sex either. Why am I letting it upset me. He was no good for me. I just didn't see this coming at all, I'm not convinced he did either. As he was still talking about moving in, and had the passport sent to my house

I just feel so discarded after 4 years. I suppose its just one of those days when I'm looking at it through rose tinted glasses and in reality it was mostly crap. But I did feel I loved him and that doesn't disappear overnight does it, unless you happen to be him obviously. Sorry for the moan I just wanted to let it all out. How can they just move on like that? It's like we never exisisted

jackie your body bonded to him sexually, your mind and body loved him, your body is mourning and grieving, it is sad when it ends, of course it is. Allow yourself to feel, do not judge yourself, eat, sleep, and if possible watch silly TV.

Especially the last: I have Gordon Ramsay's Hotel Hell or something waiting for me on Sky+ atm, which ticks all my boxes for silliness.

I know I'm going to go through all these different emotions, what hurts andi can't get my head around is why isn't he? He must have been faking it when he said he loved me because as far as I could see he was o different towards me up until the argument

I'm finding it so hard to go to work and act like everything's ok. Today I just don't feel like carrying on. I can't take time off work as I will be starting a new job and don't want any more sick time on my record

I'm finding it really upsetting because here have been things thet have happened over the last few weeks which I would have shared with him and I can't I keep thinking he doesn't know about such and such. Obviously he doesn't give a shit or want to know but I still hurt

Jackie, its nofmal to fluctuate with your feelings. My gp said you will have down moments and angry moments. The down moments will lessen over time and the anhry moments will increase. You will then reach indifference. That's when you know you are better. I was with my dp for 11 years and i think it was wasted but it wasnt. I have 2 lovely dc and some lovely memories. I have been doing Paul McKenna's 'How to mend a broken heart'. It focuses on how you visualise your ex. It has really helped me. Hugs.

Is it a book or DVD?
Im not thinking it's time wasted exactly because I have learned quite a lot from him and what I want in a partner. Also I have learned to trust my gut. I'm just finding really hard to believe its actually over, I feel used and that he must have lied so much. He actually used to say to me sometimes when we had sex " do you think you'll ever get bored of me?" I just put it down to him wanting reassurance. Now I think it was something more sinister in that he was hinting he was getting bored of me

One horrible twuntish thing he did was after a row about him sulking over sex he said " It's so routine I know exactly how, when and where it's going to happen (it wasn't that bad) and I began crying but he kept on saying " that's why people cheat". I hink that was only 2 weeks at the most before he left. He was up to something wasn't he!

bounty I felt like a complete heel after I left my FW with no warning, leaving a note. When he phoned up and left messages on my phone, sounding broken, I thought my heart would break. Then within a few hours, he was sending abusive and horrible text messages, and I felt much better about my decision to go with no warning. And really, it wasn't without no warning. I'd told him repeatedly that I would leave if he kept treating me so badly. But he chose to do nothing about it. So really he brought the method of my leaving upon himself.

And I did worry a little about what he would tell people. Would he paint me as the mad wife who left him high and dry? I think he probably did, maybe even with a bit of postnatal depression thrown in. But only to people whose opinion I don't care about. The people who love me and support me to this day all know the truth, and are, in all honesty, amazed I didn't do it well before I did.

Jackie have you thought about maybe speaking to someone, getting some counselling or something like that? It might be helpful to you, and it could help build up your self-esteem to the point where you realise how much you are worth billions more than him. It has helped me enormously. FWIW - my FW had another girlfriend within a month of me finally saying 'no more'. I suspect he had her before that. That hurt especially when I found out by bumping into them in a park, hand in hand. I still have latent feelings for him, even now. But I know he's a shit, who didn't care for me at all, and I know I deserve to be with someone who will treat me with respect as well as love me.
But yes, it sounds like he was either thinking about cheating or already had, and was setting it up to be your fault. That makes him even more of a shit who is not worth your time. You will get there. Think angry thoughts, anger helps. There's a link in the OP, I think, to a site called something like 'Get your angries out'. Sometimes it's good to be angry!

pony that must've been horrible for you, the way you found out.
I honestly think I've become dispensable to him now. He apparently has got his promotion and hence will be able to afford to rent a flat as opposed to a room and so doesn't need to spend days off at mine rather than cooped up on one room. Do I sound really awful thinking like that?

I have noticed that I have spent considerably less on food, shopping and washing in the last month. We had afew arguments about his
Lack of contributing but I never realised how much it cost me. When I tried to tell him it cost me wit him staying here 3 to 4 times a week he said he didn't have much money and it cost him in petrol every time to get here ( it's 20 miles)

Jackie - it sounds suspicious. With fw's I think we'll never know for sure. I remember Colin feeling just like you. Eventually her fw did crawl back but she didn't want him then. You'll get there too x

Yes it does bounty or he may have said that to manipulate me into having sex how and when he wanted it. I wouldn't put it past him to instill a fear of losing him unless I did what he wanted into me

My fw just left. I felt mildly irritated by him and found myself wishing he would go so I could watch 'New Girl'. That's good isnt it? After 4 weeks. He was being negative again.

Yes flora that is good news

He was going on about the same old stuff he moaned about before (not me, just stuff). I really had nothing to say to him. I know Im still vulnerable and if he said lets talk and sort this out, i probably would but I definitely think I feel more at peace with the situation iykwim.

bounty, I think part of the problem is that with a FW, you internalise his negativity, so you almost have his voice in your head commenting on what you do before you even do it. Whereas what is important are the reasons you are doing it. If that makes sense. Glad your dmum is being so supportive. Strength to you.

Rose I think that we've all had different experiences with sexual relations and our FWs, especially in terms of frequency etc. My FW used to say that kind of thing to me ('You turn me on so much', and the classic 'look what you are doing to me' as if I was somehow controlling him ), but I began to dread it, because once he had started getting himself turned on it was difficult for me to say no, at least not if I didn't want to be verbally abused about how I obviously didn't love him, etc. So it's not about lots of sex, lots of compliments, etc. It's about respect, and about partners mutually making each other feel good and enjoying it. Gay, Bi, straight, whatever - if he's not doing those things then there's a problem. Not necessarily abuse-related, but a problem for you, because you are not getting what you need from the relationship, which is to be respected, to feel loved and cared for, and many other things besides.

Nini how are you feeling about going away on holiday with him? What strategies do you have in place to deal with him being, well, himself? Arm yourself!!!!