Support for those in Emotionally Abusive Relationships : thread 25

[CharlotteCollinsismovingon]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
A check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Why financial abuse is domestic violence Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
Warning signs you?re dating a loser Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie If you?re a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out - You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
Heart to heart - a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

What couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
Should I Stay or Should I Go bonus materials This is a site containing material for men who want to change - please don?t give him the link - print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
What you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

testing...

checking to see if this is searchable by NN, and it is. Will adjust posting accordingly. sigh

I've been on here before but no longer living life through the looking glass

Just had a stressful day and a couple of realisations that hit hard. I am not NCing as I'm truly just so stressed and irritable that I don't care anymore. Whether that's good or bad, I don't really know.

I will read back and catch up some. Hope everyone is okay.

Well I think I've reached the point of going. Feel numb but calm. Am leaving on Saturday. Fw told me that he will not allow me to take dd to meet up with my 8 year old cousin at all over the next 3 days whilst he is visiting. I queried the 'not allow' and he said it again. Have finally realised that this controlling arse is never going to change. It seems this is my tipping point.

He is now being pleasant presumably as he thinks that he's got his own way.

Ok, back now! (Please, throw money, not knickers!

Flora it doesn't really matter what he wants right now, you need to try and detach from worrying about him. Right now, you do what's best for you and the DCs. The mixed messages are designed to try and guilt-trip you into feeling sorry for him. Ask him to stop saying these things maybe, reduce all verbal contact to the minimum re the kids and any practicalities.

Rose how are you feeling now? You, too, need to detach from your FW. It's hard, really hard, and the way you are feeling sometimes at the moment is part of the process. When I finished things with FW (after around 7 months of back & forth, torturing myself with hope of changes that never really happened), I grieved. Sometimes it felt like I would never be happy again. You have a lot to go through before you can come out the other side of this. But you will.
Is there any access to counselling or any support from the university services? Or contact Women's Aid to ask if they can help. Use the resources around you.

Triggles - if you are who I think you are, haven't seen you on here for a while. How's things? Glad you are not through the looking glass any more, but sounds like things are still difficult. How are the DCs dealing with it all?

bounty do you know, that sounds similar to what my tipping point was - I was told I was 'not allowed' my mum to come up to our house while he was at work, to help me sort out and tidy up DS1's bedroom. And when I queried this, was shouted at, yelled at in my face, called names because I'd 'created' an argument before he went to work again (this was about 7am). Later that afternoon, I got the usual 'sorry about earlier, let's move on, do you want me to pick up something nice for dinner' text, that I'd had hundreds of times. But I had already left by that point. It was a horrible, horrible day, I felt like I was going to die from the stress. But I got through it. I did it.

Sorry, epic post!!!!! I'd also like to raise a to my lovely ex-FIL (the one who died on NY eve) - today would have been his birthday. He was flawed in so many ways, but I never met a truer gentleman in my life, in all senses of the word, despite the fact he hated wearing a suit and tie. He was the kind of man that gave me hope for other men. And man, could he play a squeezebox! Anyway. Cheers S.

Ah the old argument before work. bingo.
Never mind that i had flaming work to go to too because of course my job did not count.

to all. i am off to pick exercise video of the night. Narrowed if down to tae bo,pilates abs or the dreaded shred. horrible till it is finished but wonderful for anxiety.

Do some shredding for me please mink, I am getting very squishy.

My job didn't count, because I was only working from home watching Jeremy Kyle all day or else on maternity leave eating cakes all day. He frequently told me just how important his job was though, and how inconsiderate I was for stressing him out/snoring and keeping him awake.

pony yes, you're right. I think I'm just wiped out for the moment. Skint (have a bill coming in tomorrow that will beat my money into the bank, so will probably bounce.. grrrrrr), sleep deprived (DS), and stressed (no down time at all, one thing after another). Visits went a bit better after I stood up but now it's slowly sliding back again. Just frustrating. I just feel overwhelmed right now. I just need to get through this week, and next week school starts and my money situation will be better, which lifts quite a bit of pressure off me.

S the gentleman.

to him and all the lovely normal non FW men out there

bounty I am sorry that it has come to this for you. Sending you all the strength I know not much at times I have, to get through it. Actually hearing the `allow' word twice must have been like being hit with a sledge hammer.
trigg I feel the same on the money front - it has been an expensive month, schools hols, new uniform to buy and it has been a 5 week month. There will be a bounce or two next week for me too - and all the while my FW gets given money to fight to see my DS who he doesn't support and I have to find the legal fees and energy and time off work on top. I hope you manage a good sleep this week to help you through it all. I hope you have time for the Vixens one night?
hi pony hi everyone - just a flying visit as need an early night- more work tomorrow not that my fw has to worry about that either.

do I sounds really bitter just read that back.

better I'm feeling a little bitter myself. Only a couple close friends know exactly why we've separated. His family and friends were told by him that it was amicable, so of course he saves face. I think he's told so many people this story that he is beginning to believe it. I regret (just a little) not making it very clear why we separated. I have all the stress and work and he has all the freedom and no worries about responsibility. When it gets right down to it, I don't envy him as the children are with me full time and that's most important to me. But I do get agitated when he gets signed off for stress at work and I wonder exactly what he has to be stressed about.... Just me being bitter - but mostly bitter that if he had manned up, I wouldn't have to be dealing with this.

Thanks Mink and Pony. I needed to hear that. I feel better when there is no contact, strangely. Although I've just read an email he sent earlier whilst I was out with a friend. I shall try the 'ignore ignore ignore' approach.
Bounty, a tipping point sounds like you know what you want now. I can't imagine how he thinks not allowing your dd to visit your cousin is acceptable!

Thanks all, he would have liked his cheerses.

Trigg there's nothing to say that you can't set people straight from now on, if they say anything. And like you say, the school holidays ending will give you a bit of breathing space. Hold on tight till then.

better you don't sound bitter, just v v frustrated, understandably so. It is truly gutting that this can happen. Hope you are doing ok. You are a strong, brave woman.

Flora - keep ignoring, you can do it.

rose you understand what went on, how your FW kept you in a state of mental ill health, and used that to abuse you. Mine did the same, although he never did anything much "supportive" - all problems in our relationship stemmed from me, in his view, and therefore he needed to do nothing about it himself. (After all, what did I have to be depressed about? Apart from being married to a dick who wouldn't work, wouldn't share the grunt work, and wouldn't go anywhere)

I digress. It is a long process of recovery, allowing the emotional side of you to heal, and the mismatch between what you know and what you feel is a strange thing to experience. It's a process of re-evaluation of your whole life, much of it taking place unconsciously (thank god!) so of course it takes time. When does your course start? I think you are so going to love it, and it will also occupy your consciousness so that your unconscious can carry on quietly doing its work in the background.

Morning ladies. How are we today? Lots going on by the looks of things.

Big hugs Bounty, stay strong and good luck for Saturday. I'm away with FW this weekend (WHY!!) so won't be around but will be thinking of you.

Mink, how was the exercise? You put me to shame, the only thing I exercise is my eating hand.

Hi Trigg, sounds like you have a lot on your plate at the moment. Agree that if anyone mentions your 'amicable' breakup, you can always set them straight, but as annoying as it is, really it doesn't matter. What matters is you and your DC being happy. When everything feels overwhelming (and I totally get why it is), try one step at a time. Be gentle on yourself . Same goes for you better. Hope you're ok!

Flora, make 'ignore' your mantra. Or maybe a tattoo to always be a reminder?

lol nini, a great idea! I shall get it tattooed on my middle finger and hold it up when he says something demeaning.
I just cant get over the "im not depressed, im just dissatisfied with life comment". What a waste of a life, living with so many negative thoughts.
Im off out for lunch with family. Upwards and onwards!

nini I think others knowing is more from a point of view that he's never going to "see" that what he did was unacceptable, because nobody (other than me) has called him on it IYSWIM. So he thinks it's okay.

I know that sounds odd, but I think if he felt a bit of ostracism knowing his behaviour caused it, maybe he would realise and seek help. Not for my sake or the sake of getting back together, but for the sake of simply being a better father to the DCs.

Totally understand what you mean Trigg - a slight aside but this sounds like friends of mine. Recently seperated as he wouldn't grow up and contribute as a partner as he was too busy going out on the lash. She did everything and eventually had enough. He moved out recently and is always looking for sympathy as he's 'lonely' in his new place while she still does the vast majority of the childcare etc. Some of our friends (all male of course) feel really sorry for him. I, on the other hand, keep reminding them that if he actually stepped up like an adult, he wouldn't be in this situation. So no sympathy to him from me.

In a rambling kind of way I'm trying to say I understand you. Unfortunately with men like this I don't think they ever 'see' how bad their behaviour is, I suspect even if people had called him on it he would still have some excuse. You could do with some support from mutual friends though (although behind closed doors maybe you do?). I would still tell people if they asked. I hope you're ok.

Snigger at a tattooed middle finger Flora, inspired!

Exercises was good once it was over

flora my FW frequently says that he's not depressed but that there is just nothing good in his life . Seems to ignore his health, his healthy DD, a nice house, minimal mortgage, financial security, (up till now) a wife who has bent over backwards to make life better for him, a nice car ....

Bingo. my FW is also very dissatisfied with his lot.
that was the.most helpful thing my dm said to me when i was saying it is not fair that he walks away with no responsibility or come back. she said but you would not want to be him he is miserable.

bounty well, there you go... aside from all that, he's got nothing!! dontcha just feel sorry for him? He's a dork. That's my word today. Dork. I plan on using it a lot. I'd say worse, but I have 2 children that are human tape recorders lately.

You could always say my dm's other pearl of wisdom - if you are going to moan i might as well give you something to moan about as you hand him the divorce papers

Yes, its frustrating. It really hurts when he doesnt see me and our 2 great kids as an achievement and something to be proud of. Today I was chatting to a guy whilst i was out and my aunt said afterwards "he was nice. he seemed to like you". whether or not he did, it just showed me that I am sociable and attractive, something i have never felt for a while. Ive always been made to feel overweight (size 14) and unattractive.