Support for those in Emotionally Abusive Relationships : thread 25

[CharlotteCollinsismovingon]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
A check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Why financial abuse is domestic violence Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
Warning signs you?re dating a loser Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie If you?re a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out - You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
Heart to heart - a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

What couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
Should I Stay or Should I Go bonus materials This is a site containing material for men who want to change - please don?t give him the link - print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
What you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

Listening to your gut is an important part of our arsenal against FWs (along with kitchen implements, of course). Your gut was telling you the truth.
Another important one is to listen to someone if they tell or show you their real selves. And when he said that about dropping you like a ton of bricks, that was the real him.

Take it easy on yourself jackie, this stuff isn't easy to digest. It hurts and hurts and then hurts some more when you least expect it.

I'm finding it all a bit unbelievable again this afternoon. I can't get my head around why he would reveal he was going to drop me like that. It wasn't even imminent because he said it so long ago I can't remember when exactly. I'm sounding really naive aren't I?

It's just you think you know someone and it comes as a shock and yet even more confusingly its not a shock

And why the hell is he even telling me he passed his assessment and got his job. Did he expect me to congratulate him!

Jackie - my FW left me, he sees this as a sign it was me who is the FW - for a while I thought as you did - and now with support both professional and from other survivors esp. you lovley ladies (and his ongoing Fwittery) I see that in no way what so ever was I to blame - it does take a while to see that. If they were not good at thier FW trade we would not have got involved with them as no one wants to be with a FW, they pull us in with the lies and manipulation that keeps us from wanting them back when they leave - albeit not instantly in all cases although I was pretty quick to bolt teh door after him.
My FW once said to me he could be very very horrible to people and I would no about it if he decided to do it top me, it was really early days int eh relationship I foolishly laughted it off pony is right - if ever anyone says that to me or similar again, I will believe them and run for the hills.
I am not saying I always responded to his FWittery well but if the FWittery had never happened I would not have done those things. I am still learning to `respond' better as it rolls on - but the FWitery I see much much quicker and whilst he still scares me, I do not feel it is just me being crazy and/or unreasonable.

I forgot to add there is a page in the Lundy about about when they leave you - it is spot on Jackie it was far too much hard work trying to control you, he needs someone who will not complain about his abusive actions - he sees himself as having the right to carry them out and those who do not let him are gotten rid of. Does your FW lose friends easily? does he go through job after job or no job? my FW see's everything and everyone as disposable. If your FW decides at any point you may be useful to him again he will come back trying to be nice - mine did - it was about 6 weeks after we split. When I said no abuse escalated - and the threats of physcial violence started (I was pregnant).

better Hi thanks for your support and for yours too pony it really helps. He has said to me in arguments when I've said why do you have to be so nasty? He said " you haven't seen anything yet" also " you've picked the wrong person to mess with". I too will run if anyone else ever says those things to me again, nobody normal would say them

I wouldn't say he loses friend as such but he doesn't burn his bridges with people he thinks are/ will be useful to him. I have heard him say many times " I might need them to do me a favour in the future" there is a user in action I suppose

Job wise he's been pretty stable I would say, he knows when it's to his advantage to get on with people. Relationship wise he's had 2 failed marriages a failed 4 yr relationship with me and countless other relationships along the way

Rose, sounds to me like you really are a rose in bloom now. Judging by that post, your name couldn't be more apt. Long may it last

Jackie, go easy on yourself. Like the ladies say, it probably will hurt. But you really are better off without him, you know? He's not even worth your thoughts. Just nod, and detach mentally. Unfortunately with men like this there isn't any way to explain them. They're just a bit nuts.

By the way, from earlier posts about offers of affection from FW rather than apologies - I was suddenly reminded of Dudley towards the end of the Harry Potter books where he attempts to reconcile by leaving cups of tea outside Harry's door. It's the kind of thing immature teenagers do, not apparently grown up men.

rose when you look back at some of the things they said and did it can be quite chilling. My FW said to me not so long ago " I'm an addict, a sex addict" and also " it"l be me that fucks up this relationship , not you" despite telling me I was pushing him away. Confusing yes!

I'm happy to hear you are feeling much better now long may it continue x

You know I think it's the fact he dropped me like that, seemingly out of the blue while professing to have loved me that makes me question whether it was my behaviour at fault and he just couldn't take anymore. If the relationship had just run its course and he'd fallen out of love then surely it would have been ended differently

I know I have to stop trying to work him out a dim sure by tomorrow I will be back to feeling fairly ok again

A few of you may remember me, but I'm more of a lurker really.

My FW has been horrible today.

We've had the same argument 5 times in the past 10 days or so. After he makes me cry for about an hour or 2, he does tend to lay off and is lovely for the rest of the night. Then when he sleeps he hits the reset button.

The argument happened again last night. I want us to focus on our first born who we're expecting in March. He wants me back in work as soon as I won't get full pay as he doesn't intend to change his plan to buy a house next year. There are other bits of shitiness in with this, but this is how it starts.

11pm last night, he finally let up on the bullying. And this morning his attitude has reset to one of sheer contempt. He kept this up all day despite the fact we work together. Even insisted on staying in the car while I did the weekly shop alone.

I've had to leave the house for the evening.

Just read some of what others are saying about phrases that should have given them an early warning. He says things like those on a very regular basis.

Jolleigh, I don't remember you, but I am going to say something honestly, which I hope will not make you feel worse. Please think very, very carefully about whether there is any possibility to leave before your baby is born, so that you are able to enjoy your newborn in safety. I am going from my own experience of knowing in my heart that things were wrong, but not understanding why, when I was pregnant. Once the baby is here, with sleep deprivation, skewiff hormones, all of your lioness instincts for your little one, it is so much harder to see the wood from the trees.
You are pregnant, this man makes you cry, instead of working out how to support you as a new mum, he wants to separate you from your baby. He sits in the car while his pg wife goes round the shops. Is there any one you can talk to in RL about this?

Rose what a fantastic post from you. This is how your life can be now. I wont lie, being on your own with a child can be hard work sometimes, but in all honesty, it's miles easier to be on your own and struggle occasionally, than to be with a FW and struggle every single day. Me, DS1 and DS2 laugh a lot in our little flat. There are no eggshells, and to be honest, although I miss evening cuddles etc, the upside is I get 'me' time with the remote control!!!

I doubt these men are happy with anyone

I think you are right. We've had this discussion before. They are so rigid in what they need and in controlling everyone and everything just to feed their own needs that they don't actually enjoy life.

jackie but that would have made sense, for it to run its course and him to go. How he's behaving defies sense, because he's working to his own logic, not normal logic. Hope tomorrow is a better day for you.

Nini love the Harry Potter reference. That's exactly it.

X-post, Jolleigh - everything quietcoach said. That's really concerning. He makes you cry for an hour or two? Poor you. That is not normal behaviour from him.
My FW's worst controlling and abusive behaviour towards me kicked off while I was pregnant. Once our baby was here, I was extremely vulnerable emotionally and physically, and he took advantage of that, and had the added control then of being able to threaten to take my baby from me.

Have you called/emailed Women's Aid yet? If you haven't, I can't recommend it enough. I contacted them for the first time when I was about 28 weeks pregnant.

Hi Inthequietcoach - I'm having that precice argument with myself right now. I don't see how I can bring a child into this environment.

PonyGirl - I just can't understand why he's suddenly such a shit. But I know that if this carries on, it's probably here to stay until I remove myself from the situation.

It's a documented fact that abuse quite often begins during pregnancy. I am not sure why, not done the research, but it's a fact. And I think you are right, now it has started, he will continue to abuse you (possibly with escalation).

I'd say that everything got worse for me once I'd had DD. I remember him coercing me into sex 11 days after an assisted delivery resulting in numerous stitches. And then stropping around throwing things because the house was a mess when she was a week old. Get out now if you can jolleigh. Things will undoubtedly get worse from hereon in.

FW has sent the forms in to his solicitor so hoping for more progress and hopefully the end soon. Today he had the audacity to ring me today to see if I could bring him a stamp as he has no money to buy a book. Ashamed to say I did and then posted it for him. Embarrassed to say that sometimes I find it easier just to keep the peace.
Did manage to put my foot down yesterday though. He made me dinner to eat with the kids when I picked them up and asked afterwards if I was washing or drying the dishes. Told him if labour had been divided like that when we were together I would have, but since it wasn't, there was no chance.

Jolleigh, the why does not matter, the fact is that what you describe is appalling and I do think removing yourself is the best and safest option if you can. pony is right to suggest Women's Aid. But anyone you trust in RL, work out your options, what you can do. I am so sorry, pregnancy should be a safe and happy time, not what you describe.

YY to speaking about in RL. I spoke to my midwife about it, Jolleigh, she was incredibly supportive - no pressure to do anything, but believed me, listened. She had experienced horrible physical abuse herself. She was the first person I ever told and it made such a difference to me knowing that someone knew.

I'm seeing the midwife alone on Wednesday so may talk to her about it.

Thank you for the advice everyone. I sometimes need to check I'm not going mad.

You are not going mad. It is a horrible situation.

Do do talk to her. What you're going through sounds horrible.