Support for those in Emotionally Abusive Relationships : thread 25

[CharlotteCollinsismovingon]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
A check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Why financial abuse is domestic violence Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
Warning signs you?re dating a loser Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie If you?re a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out - You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
Heart to heart - a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

What couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
Should I Stay or Should I Go bonus materials This is a site containing material for men who want to change - please don?t give him the link - print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
What you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

Wobbly is to be expected jackie. Caring and not caring as well. It's not easy. But your new job is all yours, and he would have said 'well done' but it's just more words. Get a good night's sleep and tomorrow think about the future. Your future.

I'm late in tonight but head nodding to the games things. I have been known to actually let fw win at something or beat me in a race just to keep a happy atmosphere. They really are like toddlers...

And yes yes to the misery thing. I said something to fw about enjoying work recently and rather than be pleased for me the reply was a really sarcastic at least you're happy.

Just want to vent about something I remembered and ask if anyone else's FW does/did the same

If he ever did anything for me for example cut the grass or a bit of DIY ( he stayed at mine regularly) there was always a price to pay. For example he would say " you can buy me a takeaway now" or "it's your turn to do such and such"

Every day he would ask what was for dinner that evening, rarely took me out, had no money apparently. If he could get me to make him tea in the morning he would and th only time he did it was when he came in from work (night shift and was up anyway) or after we had sex and he was in a good mood. Nothing was for nothing!

Jackie i was expected just to do things without thanks, the cooking, the childcare etc. but i was supposed to be grateful for the rare things he did. apparently i was never grateful enough for him looking after his own children. which was of course a favour to me.

(he still thinks seeing his own children is a favour. hence the 'if you want me to see them' well FW i don't think I do)

And if he did do something he could never just get on with it on his own. e.g. If he were cooking you always had to find things for him or for some chopping. or bring him the Hoover etc.(he hoovered twice in five years). again very teenager behaviour.

It was so much hassle to get him to do anything other than the dishes that i just did not bother.

Then he claimed i had treated him as a domestic slave .

He sounds like a total cock! And his behaviour to his children is appalling. One big lazy, selfish arse I'd say

Mine would do stuff it's just that I was always made to feel there were strings attactched

he is a cock. dunno what I thought I was doing.
tbf I never let him off quietly with this behaviour but could not actually get him to change it.

wonder how long it will be before he realises I am not going to run round chasing him to see his own dcs and if he wants to see them he will have to make an effort. if not good riddance.

No need to be mink we've all done it. Look at me sticking with that abusive arse in a dead end relationship, which tbh I knew wasn't going to work in the end. I just chose to search for the little bit of good in it and kept hanging on

We will go on to better things and people

Nearly 4 days of not talking...he's now playing the 'I'm reasonable, you're not' card. Made me a cup of tea this morning, dropped me off at work, has tried the occasional conversation starter. I'm ignoring it as much as possible. Until there's a PROPER apology I don't want to know.

But I feel unreasonable.

nini he wants you to feel bad - hence his manipulation - seemingly caring actions without words who the hell does that, that is normal - you poor thing having to be subjected to it - it must make you feel very uncomfortable which is what he wants - he wants you to feel off balance that way he gains the power. I am not saying I would manage it but I would try indifference with him - you then of course be ungrateful but you have not asked for these things and certianly not for them to be done in silence.

Hey nini. He's trying to force you to move on because he doesn't want to apologise, making you the unreasonable one for not moving on when he is being so nice. That was a favourite trick of my FW - if I had a pound for every time he said 'let's just have a good evening/weekend/day' after he had been awful but wanted me to forget about it, I'd be swimming in cash!

I know it's probably not worth it, but can you set out to him what you need next time he starts a conversation/overture. 'Thank you for this cup of tea. But I need you to address what happened, and talk to me about that and not just try and ignore it. Unless you are going to talk to me about it and offer an apology, then to be honest we are not going to move on whether you bring me cups of tea or not.'

But indifference (and carrying on with your plans to leave) are probably better in the long run, as no matter whether you move on or don't, it's not going to make things better in the longer term because he's still a FW.

That is usually how our big arguments go better (and always have, even in the early days). There's a distinct pattern. He says something to upset me, I ignore him, he tries a few of the 'silent ways of showing I care without actually apologising', I ignore them, he gets angry, then I end up giving in. Then all is well till the next argument. It's exhausting.

I've tried indifference before, he see's that as proof that I've forgiven him. Heads he wins, tails I lose.

Argh.

:( nini - there's just no way to have your own needs noticed with a FW, is there? (Real needs, aot cups of tea.)

Sorry Pony, x post. I'd be rich too - this is a fave trick of his! I might try your suggestion but only to make myself feel better since getting out is the ultimate aim. Doesn't stop it hurting mind, as we all well know.

And indeed there isn't, Charlotte.

anyone?

My FW silent way of forgiving me for him being in the wrong was to rub my leg with his foot when i was trying to sleep or to insist i give him a hug and if i didn't well that was the problem i am just not very affectionate.

or to insist i give him a hug and if i didn't well that was the problem i am just not very affectionate

aaah, they are one and the same!!! Though mine would corner me and take the hug anyway. Or worse, try to kiss me

YY pony you put it well - the moving on' thing really hits home with me - my FW still says lets forget about that now'... i.e. money he owes me, threats he made to me, names he called me, upset he caused, things he hasn't done - and yy mini it is exhasuting

• when I had to go back through everything I noticed how I NEVER had time to address any issues properly as it was `onto the next issue' - all issues though, all drama and it is how it would/will always be if he carries on being in my life.

I don't want him in my life his life, he is depressing and hard work and exhausting and unfulfilling - I just don't want it - he brings to my life things I don't want ..an environment and way of life I have worked hard to keep away from - I want to feel safe again. DS just would not ever want to live like that - DS has a nice life, he cares not how upset DS is - as he never takes responsibility for making anyone else unhappy - he can't understand why people don't want to know him as his belives are soooo strong. The giving of affection route to forgiveness is just imature it is what a child may do. In fact my DS has more maturity than that now and he talks about it in a mature way.

Please help I need some support have had a text from FW asking if passport has arrived yet. It has and I'm going to post it on. I just replied yes il send it and asked for half he deposit. He said he might have to pay monthly but I don't believe him.

Anyway not bothered about the money really I just wanted to make a point to him but getting the text has broken me up. It seemed so brief and cold compared to the texts I used to get. Its hit
me again its over. On one level I know it's best so why is t hurting so much. I feel I've been dropped from a great height by him and he's moved on so bloody quickly. Did I mean nothing to him? My feelings were genuine and how the hell has he got over it so quickly.

He even sent a text back to say he passed his assessment and got a new job. For years we were waiting together for that and it hurts somehow that I wasn't there for that. He used to send me a voicemail every morning for years without fail after work so I would hear it when I woke, he could appear so devoted, I can't reconcile that behaviour with his other behaviour. I can't stop bloody crying again and I was doing well

I'm dying to know if I've been dropped for someone else. If I have he was hiding it well because it ended so suddenly, it was like one minute he was I love with me and the next we had a disagreement and he was gone. God I'm not coping at he moment

Jackie his actions are showing you the true him - cold, dismissive. He did appear devoted, because it suited him, leaving a voicemail is a simple thing to do and requires little effort. I am truly sorry to have to say this, but my instinct is that a FW's feelings are not genuine. It's not real love. It's a love of what you do for them/give to them. You are a good person, with genuine feelings, so of course you are upset and grieving. He can't understand that level of emotion because he's not experiencing it. This information might not help just now, but at some point it will help you make sense of things for yourself.

You don't have to cope. Just feel what you are feeling, and be kind to yourself.

Dear jackie - sorry I don't really know your back story. But here to offer support nevertheles.

Would it be easier to accept if you found out that there was ow?

You are grieving for the relationship you want and deserve and not the one you have left. I know that feeling. Your expectations have not been met by him and he has let you down. You are entitled to feel low and tearful. You are only focusing on the good things that he did and not the awful things that hve led you to this place.

We are here offering you support and hand holding. Stay strong x

pony I can't get past the feeling I drove him to it for him to suddenly seemingly snap like that and wham that was it. Logically I know I'm not that awful though. I just can't make sense of it that's the worst I think

funnyfish not sure it would help if I knew there was OW or not. I would probably be to tortured by thoughts then. You are right i need to think about all the shitty things he did and the totally over the top reactions he frequently had to things I said. I just feel quite used, as if the last 4 yrs he's been putting on an act of loving me because it was convenient for him

Jackie - I know rationally you know that you did not drive him to leave you, but that's the problem. As rational people, we are seeking to understand, looking for the sense in it all. To our rational brains, the actions of a FW don't compute. FWs are not rational in our sense on the word. Their logic is their own. You will not be able to understand while you are caught up in it. It is only once you are able to properly detach and disengage that you can appreciate how twisted and absurd they are, and realise that really it was never about anything you did, and all about themselves and what they wanted.

It's weird but when we were together I sometimes had a feeling somewhere within me that he was pretending. That deep inside he was cold but put on this mask of being nice, only sometimes it didn't quite ring true. Very hard to explain but I think that was why I was insecure about all sorts of things where he was concerned, my gut was telling me he wasn't sincere but I didn't want to listen

Also I remember on one of occasions I was feeling insecure asking if he wanted to be in the relationship and loved me, he chillingly said " if I didn't want to be with you, you'd know about it, I'd drop you like a ton of bricks"
I just half laughed thinking he was just trying to reassure me and lighten the mood and maybe I'm reading too much into it now, but it has turned out to be exactly what he's done hasn't it