Support for those in Emotionally Abusive Relationships : thread 25

[CharlotteCollinsismovingon]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
A check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Why financial abuse is domestic violence Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
Warning signs you?re dating a loser Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie If you?re a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out - You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
Heart to heart - a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

What couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
Should I Stay or Should I Go bonus materials This is a site containing material for men who want to change - please don?t give him the link - print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
What you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

Great words Mink and helpful to me too. Xx

Match bound to be very mixed and deep emotions at this stage I imagine. Keep strong and reread your old posts for strength when feeling sad and maybe do something you weren't 'allowed' to by fw at down times so you get a little burst of freedom! Watching a tv show he doesn't like, have glass of wine or whatever his bugbears were! We're here for you! Take care.

Rose when he is going getting kicked out?

Try not to focus on the past. Focus on the future. Your future. You have done the brave thing of breaking away from the man who was breaking you down, and now you will go from strength to strength, both with your studies and in your own life. It wont be easy, it wont be straightforward, but you can do it. Holding your hand until he goes - I will be away from the computer till later this afternoon, but will be thinking of you.

Me too Rose, handholding. Xxx once he's gone from there today you will feel your spirits rise slowly but surely. Your lovely new home will start to feel more and more like home. A few plants, your own stuff, peace, quiet, no head games- you will heal there. Xxx

Bell and whistle at the ready whenever you are rose

You too breathe and match

Your carriage awaits.

All aboard.

You are not completely broken, Rose, sweetie. You are surviving, despite those who have wished to hurt you. Once he is gone (hope he is now) there will be relief from the constant assault on your emotions and energy.

Take care; go easy on yourself. And do not worry about coming across as self-pitying. We have all gone through stages like that: we understand. We are much less critical of you than you are!

Rose you are not broken. Your FW is invested in making you think you are, because you have so much going for which he does not. You do, however, need time and space to heal, and it took me nearly seven months to actually think - I am NOT broken - and it is a work in progress, but when your FW leaves, you can start mending.

At this stage, once he goes, the most important thing to do is cut down all contact as far as you can. This will be hard, because he is invested in maintaining contact (as you have already seen). You have a DD, so you can't go no contact, but you can go low contact. All contact on neutral ground, not in your house, no discussion beyond contant arrangements etc. You need to be as strong as you can be here. Keeping him out of your space is the first step to getting him out of your head.

this: ^He did the bare minimum FA and generally did it badly teenager style whilst calling my house a shithole.
(that being part of the issue. it was my house. hence he should be treated like a guest)^

tick tick and bloody tick again! Mink

being exhausted... acute back pain, can he make bed up after I've stripped it and washed all linen...

Oh look joys, I have to sleep on blankets unless I fucking do it myself again not DIY,,, DIM!

It's almost better when he's being a complete arse. When he's reasonable and we are at his and the kids are playing it just seems perfect.
I know it is far from that, since I am not the Stepford Wife he wants, but it makes me sad that I can't have the settled family life with a man who loves me for who I am.

it makes me sad that I can't have the settled family life with a man who loves me for who I am

True match it is not fair. not fair.

Rose, there is a massive difference between being self-pitying, and having a good cry because your relationship with the father of your child has not worked out, and actually, you have realised he is an abusive twunt. You are allowed to cry, my dear, and it is not self-pity. Yes, it is fine to cry in front of DD, just explain that mummy is a bit sad, and that mummy will be okay soon.

Because you will be. Is there a park, soft play somewhere you can take her out? Get some fresh air? You do not have to resolve all your feelings in one day, but you do need to collect your thoughts.

At work, so need to get on. But am hand-holding . I keep wondering where you are, don't disclose on-line, though. If you were near me, you could come round for tea (((hugs)))

Maybe you're in tears because you let him come? Feel you let yourself down? I find that to be the worst of all - letting myself down.

You are not as alone as you think - didn't the Uni help you with the house? And wasn't there someone who helped you figure out finances? When do classes start? There must be someone else there who has a child....

And you have Mumsnetters cheering you on. One of the more regulars will be along soon.... I just didn't want you to think no one would care or answer. Wish I could send you reallife flowers!! I'd love to do that.

rose they are tears of relief and sadness for what should of been - cry, let it out - yes it is ok for DD to see you cry once in a while - you are human and a beautiful one. You are not broken, I would love to spend time in your company you sound like a caring, wonderful person - tomorrow is the next day on the road to happiness - you are doing it, you are getting there. Can you do anything nice for yourself later? warm bath? candles, music, a good book, a film snuggled under a blanket? Sending you a cyber hug and holding your hands afterwards. Imagine us all there with you - we are in spirit - you are cared about. A bit of self pity is fine - you deserve to think of yourself more - FW didn't want you to do that - he wanted you to think about him all the time and spend all your energy and money on him. This is your time. It starts now.

rose ((hugs)) I would give them to you in RL if I could, but these are just as heartfelt. You are grieving. It is sad. It is ok to cry. Look after yourself sweetie. Have a picnic tea with DD or something easy, go to bed, and cry if you have to. You will feel better for having it out than if you hold it in.

rose I've cried a little in front of DD who is 2. She usually says 'you'll feel better soon' which makes me cry more. If it is nice where you are then perhaps go for a little explore together. You are being so strong

Rose handholding from me too lovey. You're certainly not self pitying! Those words did spring to mind when I read about your xfw though! These fws often project their failings onto their better halves. You my dear are a resounding success with your studies, your house, your lovely dd and your freedom! It's ok to let the sadness envelope you- I guess you have to go through it to get to other side which is much nearer than you think. I am cheering you on and sending you cyber hugs flowers and wine. Xxx

Ps I think crying in front of 3yo is absolutely fine. At that age they're bundle of unfettered feelings themselves so seem to be comfortable with others' tears. Much more handleable than a big man shouting and swearing eh!

rose (((hugs)))
I am blowing the whistle.
Train is leaving the station now.
Remember this is just beginning of the journey.

Well done for saying your bit! That conversation tells you all you need to know, really, doesn't it?

Glad you were able to relax with your DD. When does the course begin?