Support for those in Emotionally Abusive Relationships : thread 25

[CharlotteCollinsismovingon]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
A check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Why financial abuse is domestic violence Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
Warning signs you?re dating a loser Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie If you?re a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out - You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
Heart to heart - a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

What couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
Should I Stay or Should I Go bonus materials This is a site containing material for men who want to change - please don?t give him the link - print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
What you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

Hi Pony, yes I remember you mentioning that, about still finding your xfw (damn his handsomeness!) However fw here is helping me out a bit now because his over the topness is creepy so the creeped out feeling wins. I hope.

(Though keep having sneaking thought that one last go won't hurt anyone- obviously bollocks (or not, rather!) - note to self- NO.

breathe, no. One last go will set off chemicals in your head which will cloud your judgement!

Thank you, Coach you are right! Roll on September eh!

Cocklodger rose but at least he is getting every little bit of uncertainty out of your mind so in that respect he has done a sterling job this weekend. Hold tight - one day is nothing after what you have had to put up with. I strongly suspect he may raise the money issue with you time and time again. Where does he get off thinking you are responsible for him - and he is too proud to ask his dad wtf!! You are doing well rose.

Yes rose good for you and well done. Tomorrow you will be able to breathe a sigh of relief and have your home back again.

I have spent most of the day visiting my mum. Back home again now and trying to avoid thinking of him. I have a horrible habit of thinking I'm to blame and I probably am partly. I think he must've been pretty passed off with and even disliked me to treat me like he did the way he broke it up.

I know it would never have been right because I couldn't accept the ex situation, or at least the way he dealt with it. So I know I'm better off really, yet I feel like I still want him it's ridiculous. I am shocked at the sudden way he's just dropped me. How bloody long is this going to last?

Counselling up date: our session was but short as fw was in a sulk (he wasn't speaking to me beforehand anyway) and we got to the point of sitting in silence. He basically said to every suggestion the counsellors made that he wasn't ready to let his barriers down yet. He'd been too badly hurt by me. And then when we were talking about all the stupid little arguments which aren't worth having and add up to big resentment (eg he doesn't like me loading the dishwasher each day, would prefer it stacked on the side) they suggested that maybe even if he doesn't like it being stacked each day he should just say to himself that it doesn't really affect him of I want to stack it so maybe should compromise and let that pass. He basically refused saying that he couldn't give in either that. So the counsellors have sent us away to consider whether we actually are willing to put any effort in

Bounty I am sorry it didn't go well, he sounds like a toddler not an adult. Does he really think if you didn't load the dishwasher every day he would be happier. It sounds like he made a lot of effort to make sure the session did not go well. Did the counsellor not pick up on him being unresponsive? seems unfair to say you both need to put more effort in - you can't push against a locked door.

Ooh well, on balance: cluttered worktop or happiness of long-term partner? I'd choose the cluttered worktop every time, too.

Yy to better's comment: I hope they really said he needs to consider if he is willing to put any effort in.

breathe I wish my FW would start creeping me out more - I know he has it in him, and it would seriously help my hormonal state. I am sending you some brain bleach in a glass to get that idea of one last fling out of your head. On second thoughts, best I have it instead, probably better you keep your wits about you instead! Cheeeerssssss!

bounty he isn't willing to put the effort in. He wants it to be all your fault. He wants absolutely everything his way, even down to the dishwasher, and he will not compromise (not truly).
Where does that leave you with your thinking?

jackie all I will say is this. You are not to blame. I am not saying you are perfect, and that you are always right or always react or behave correctly. None of us are. But abusiveness is there in him and it has nothing to do with you. Whether you were quiet or loud. Whether you argued back or said nothing. Whether you put your elbows on the table or had immaculate table manners. In the end, no matter how you had behaved he would have been abusive, because he is abusive, he can't be anything else.
Here are two statements: You are better off without him. You still desire him. Don't try to reconcile these two things. Better to think: my life without him will be better. I still want him. I wish I could be with him. But to be with him requires me to allow him to continue to abuse me. I don't want that for myself.
You need to build up your self-esteem to the point where you feel you deserve better. You will get there.

Thanks all. I kind of took it as them asking him as most of the suggestions I agreed with. Such as all the minor inconsequential decisions are split and delegated so that I have responsibility for some (eg how often the dishwasher is stacked) and him for others (eg choosing house insurance) so we can concentrate on the important issues and debating them properly. I thought this seemed quite a good plan. Fw made it clear he is not willing to delegate any element of how the house is run. So yes basically no compromise. I'm sleeping on it tonight and then going to see how he reacts to to the same suggestion. There was also one pure comedy moment but can't write it here for risk of outing myself...

Fw made it clear he is not willing to delegate any element of how the house is run. <

Do you mean, he is going to DO it all his way himself? Or he is going to tell you how to do it all his way? You are not his servant, and this is beyond Victorian (in the Victorian times, the wives at least were able to decide how to run the house, it was their remit). You can't have a relationship based on no compromise. The only relationship you can have based on no compromise is with a doormat (not healthy) or with yourself.

I think he wants it all done his way. Or at least debated until we're sick and tired of fighting over whether the dishwasher is stacked each day ( btw the dishwasher is just one of a million examples) so either he says whatever or I cave in. At least that's how it feels. Will bring it up again tomorrow and clarify his view. Just too tired to think straight now.

Thanks for brain bleach Pony it must have worked as any desire has vanished face of his continued forcing of unwanted schmooze on me. Fottfsoftfosm fw!

Jackie I agree with pony- accepting the two very different elements as being different and tough to deal with may help clear the recovery pathway for you a bit.

Bounty re him admitting without apparent self awareness of needing to be in control of every element of house. And yes agree with others- presume he doesn't intent to DO every element himself!

Dishwashers as a fw reveal. Hmm I've been there. Are there actually any fws out there who aren't control freaks about dishwashers? I stack badly apparently and wantonly don't rinse. The day I emptied a quarter glass of water into machine as I placed said glass in there ( instead of emptying it into sink first ) and then SPLASHED fw slightly- omg you would have thought I'd laid down in floor and bonked his best mate (if he had one) in front of him! What a combo- poor stacking; casual emptying of water into machine (gasp) ... And splashing him!!!

a ha! Fly I needed that laugh... throwing water into d/washer [with splashback ] equates to bonking non-existent bezzy mate in front of him

I commonly chuck remains in of tea coffee [with splashback ], so I guess I'm shagging the local rugby team after a night at the Vixens

bounty my FW definitely wanted to dictate how the house was run, but have me do it all. I was regularly reprimanded for using the wrong sized wooden spoon, using kitchen roll to mop up spills instead of a cloth, not cleaning out the fridge often enough, not emptying the bin often enough. The last two I've noticed he has really let slide, along with all the cleaning and tidying, but then-there's no woman around to do it for him and it's not his job, oh no...

Ooh yes, everything about cleaning and tidying is something about which he has an opinion. The day he threatened to trash the kitchen because I didn't notice he'd tidied it up (put most things that live on the worktop into cupboards to enhance the "brilliantly tidy" look) was the day I started telling my dps honestly what I was living with day by day.

Ha Fairy re local team shagging! It puts it into perspective, doesn't it, what we have to manage on a day by day basis from EAers and how it's death by a thousand paper cuts as someone said ages ago. Then the end result is shocking and outsiders wonder why we've put up with it for so long. Yet leaving provokes outside disapproval too. And I know I'm someone who doesn't cope well with disapproval- guessing that may be one if the traits fws seek out- so it adds to vicious (literally) circle sorry bit of a ramble there!

Match my fw used to have a massive thing about fridge too plus bins- if they were overloaded it was always my fault and he would dramatically declare 'I am never taking the bins out again in this condition' (coz it's only me who puts stuff in bin of course, oh yeah). All the stuff he's threatened never to do again I have taken on and noticed no difference- so all very helpful in realising he's not necessary- thanks fw!

Charlotte- re him threatening to trash kitchen - what a fool honestly.

I had opposite issue with FW. he used to deliberately put things in wrong bit of dishwasher so i would have to take them out and put them back in, thus making it clear it was my job in the first place.

He did the bare minimum and generally did it badly teenager style whilst calling my house a shithole.
(that being part of the issue. it was my house. hence he should be treated like a guest)

Mink what an arse.

I'm in a bit of a weird place right now. Trying to remind myself of how awful it was living with him and how uncaring he was, as at the moment when I see him we get on perfectly well when we aren't discussing the divorce. No wonder it is so hard to disentangle yourself from this kind of person.

match but would you still get on well if there were any contentious issues? And he is still not respecting your personal boundaries.

And remember there is no bar you have to reach to be allowed to leave. you don't have to prove it was terrible. you don't have to prove he was wrong or abusive or unbearable.

You don't have to stay because you could learn to put up with it.

It should not be such hard work.

you can leave because you want to. because you will be happier and because you are entitled to be yourself.

No, he would probably still explode at stuff he didn't like. I think I'm maybe a bit wistful as the divorce is close to bring final once we've sorted the Consent Order.