Support for those in Emotionally Abusive Relationships : thread 25

[CharlotteCollinsismovingon]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
A check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Why financial abuse is domestic violence Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
Warning signs you?re dating a loser Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie If you?re a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out - You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
Heart to heart - a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

What couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
Should I Stay or Should I Go bonus materials This is a site containing material for men who want to change - please don?t give him the link - print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
What you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

A friend of a friend maybe passing info on.

I just feel so stupid, I should never have let him come here.<

Rose, no need to feel stupid. You tried it, it did not work. You know not to try it again. That is how we learn. When he is gone, when you feel well, you need to start thinking of what do I do when I am ill/feeling low strategies. So, how do I deal with things differently next time? That is all.

To his comments on your house: I read something recently which said that FWs (it did not use that word) will attack the things you most value. If they criticise what you love, you defend it automatically, and as soon as you defend something, you sound guilty, you are undermined.

What he is doing, when he comments negatively on your house, is commenting negatively on your choices, on something you have worked hard to attain and which you should rightly be proud of.

If he stays in your life, it will not be long before he is commenting negatively on your course, your day-to-day work patterns, your assignments, and undermining you there too.

Do not start seeing your house through his eyes. Do not see your life through his eyes.

My personal recommendation would be if his dad is coming to see DD, then they can go out to the park. Any future contact is not in your home. Start setting boundaries.

I got a long letter too, I filed it with my solicitor because of some of the content, and then never saw it again. In other words, ignore. Do not even begin to engage.

Inthe I never saw it this way - it is a really good way of putting it - thank you To his comments on your house: I read something recently which said that FWs (it did not use that word) will attack the things you most value. If they criticise what you love, you defend it automatically, and as soon as you defend something, you sound guilty, you are undermined. that is exactly it.

Oh rose well known FW bingo there, the boaky tongue kiss. why do they do that? Why?
I think that is his game, come there, slag your house of so he can Act like he is doing you a favour. what a twat. just as well you have him pegged.
Your reservation is on your seat. think that has been a good thing as it has let you see you have made the right choice.

quiet coach excellent insight

rose if he was either normal and/or less lazy he would be saying- those bushes could for with a tidy, have you anything i can cut them with (see if i lived here this is what you could expect). This house is nice but i cn see you could do with a few bits. i will get a job and contribute. and ok so we have no money, what can we do that is fun but free...lets have a disco in the living room or go to the park.
But no it is all, take me as i am, support me, entertain me nd if you do and you are very lucky i might come and moan in your house

sorry the greasy bloaters are off today..we only have a lovely fresh start on the menu

rose he wasn't nice to you - you were ill, he said he was looking after you and all he did was want you to look after him. I wish I lived closer I would look after DD and you could nap. You deserve to rest. You have done well with money, he has no right to expect any more from you. I hope you can sleep well tonight - tomorrow FW leaves .

always happy to oblige with some bell-ringing... sounds just the ticket I hear its an extremely long [endless] journey to the FSOFATFOSM. Wanting to jump on the train of indifference, an opportunity to look at the world of freedom going on around us!

Rose, the bit of his letter which stood out to me was when he said something like "This probably means nothing to you, but to me it's blah blah blah." It's just so symptomatic of his belief that you are not the human that he is. It's about the only time you're mentioned in the extracts you've posted and it's the verbal equivalent of a pat on the head. "Don't you worry your little head about big matters." Not even a "pretty" in there to make it vaguely approaching charming.

So self-absorbed. Quite incredible. I'm glad he's going tomorrow.

Rose don't feel bad, feel proud, you have seen him clearly for what he is. You've got so far and he has rather pathetically attempted to follow and latch on again so he can sit on his arse all day and have dope wreathed dreams about his supposed specialness, what an arse honestly. Very good of him to come and give you a classic display of the reasons you left, to immunise you against future worries about having done the right thing! Also agree his take on your supposedly not having understanding of those names he mentioned is breath takingly arrogant and pretty unimaginative in fact. Loving the fact he wants to drive round US but can't drive!!!

I've had the full on self pity here today. Apparently I'm selfish and stubborn and I shouldn't dwell on what's past, as he's 'acknowledged' his mistakes (so that's alright then)(and albeit blaming them all on the 'original seed' of me not giving him enough sex apparently!) so I should of course forget I don't love or want him and get on with rebuilding our rs for sake of dcs. Apparently anything else is cruelty to them and entirely my fault. Although I know it's all utter fw bullshit, the poison drips in a bit and I'm left with an uneasy sort of feeling of guilt which I can't shake.

HELP I have a massive urge to text him. It's 2 weeks tonight since he left and my anger appears to have turned into sadness and loneliness and I miss him madly. I feel devastated that he doesn't appear to want me.

I'm pretty sure I won't do it because I'm too proud to contact him after what he did and really it would only all happen again. There it appears I've talked myself out of it! I'm just so sick of feeling sad and thinking of him all the time. Nothing takes my mind off him, I feel heartbroken, I think I preferred feeling numb

Jackie much sympathy and understanding winging its way to you. Well done for not texting. Totally understandable you feel like doing it though, not easy to switch off powerful feelings just like that. If you feel tempted again try writing your text in a word doc first to review and think what you would put if posting it here as well - here being the place where you have unconditional support and understanding which may help you review it realising how much worth you have. Xxx

I've really had enough. For 2 weeks now I've not been able to go to bed until my eyes are literally closing and then I wake 4 hours later, I have lost weight( prob needed to do that) though. I seem to be just spending time alone in the house mostly. I want to hibernate. People in RL I don't think realise how Hirt I am besides which I'm not even sure their taking it seriously as it not the first time it's happened. But I know this is far and away the most serious

Strength and courage jackie. Hold on in there till morning.

breathe I know what you mean. Even though you know everything they say is rubbish, there's still a little part of you that thinks 'maybe it's not'. I think it's also just disbelief that a normal person could behave the way they are, it's easier to believe they are right than to believe they are just so willfully abusive and awful and selfish. He really is desperate for you to come back, to still be banging on like this, because if you don't then he's got a lot of work to do to explain this one away in his own head and smooth it over. Courage and strength to you too, dearheart.

Thank you Pony, lovey. Xxx

Jackie, i am one week ahead of you. Its 3 weeks today since i returned to his stuff gone and only a letter. One week makes a difference. I feel stronger than last week. I have some control back. I even enjoyed a night out with friends last night. My advice is surround yourself with people who care about you and who dont mind how many times you go over things. Verbalising it out loud helps. Try to achieve something ebery day. Today I did a mound of laundry! I also took the kids out for dinner. Try to treat yourself and be kind to yourself. Stay away from anyone or anything negative. If you need time off work, go see your GP. Lots of love x x

Dear Jackie - remember me? (waves) You can do this!! You really can. I remember having some tough times shortly after leaving ex, and sometimes there was no one to talk with..... but then afterwards I felt so much better for having been strong enough to get through it alone!! Maybe tomorrow will be the first time you feel that - I really hope so. (and maybe consider seeing the GP to discuss the sleep difficulties?)

breathe, he tried to woo you back through attempted physical intimacy (FWs equate sex with love; normal people only have sex with people they love), which you (rightly) stood firm on not giving; now he is turning to emotional manipulation (because FWs also equate need with love, and he needs you in his life to bolster his own idea of himself, or so that, at some point down the road, he can do the dumping, for his own self-esteem). There is nothing to do but ignore this emotional manipulation.

You can say, well, I am sorry you feel this way (putting the words/emotions/feelings firmly back on him to deal with), but that is the way it is now. Try not to get drawn in, you don't have to defend your decision (see my above post to Rose) because here, in this instance, the very thing he is attacking is your decision to recover your own self (which cannot and will not flourish in this relationship). As soon as you defend that, and feel guilty about that, you are in effect agreeing that should not be your self, have a self, and that you give up yourself for him.

DCs will be fine, it is far more damaging for them at this stage to live in a high conflict situation. If you want to move the conversation on, when he uses DCs to try to make you feel guilty, just say, well, then it is imperative that we work together to make this process as smooth as possible for them.

Courage, you are doing incredibly well in a difficult situation.

jackie, Flora, I am sorry I am not up to speed with your stories, but I just wanted to say that yes, every day does make a difference. It really does. Stay strong.

rose all i can say is he has made something of himself. a total twat.
Seat is booked. whistle at the ready. will see you onboard later.

And in the buffet carriage today

breathe andpony thank you for your wishes and strength and understanding . Sending tons back to you also

flora I have felt very lonely the latter part of this week which hasn't helped. I had friends to see earlier in the week. I'm down because I feel like I have got more upset as time goes by, but trying to keep the train in mind and remember feelings come and go. I think it will do me good to get back to work tomorrow and keep me busy. Wishing you strength also

MNiscold thanks for your encouragement, it really helps

rose thank you. Hope you are ok his morning. I keep reading bits of your post to catch up and acquaint myself. Take care x

Sending to you all.

Coach and Pony thank you for your words of support and wisdom. It's additionally difficult because when not offensively sulky, he keeps showering me with compliments which are like rain in the desert for my low self esteem!! So I can't help feeling gratified though I know it's hoovering and i don't respond. Also physically it's hard being in close proximity with someone you're physically very compatible with but you know doing anything about it is wrong- like cupboard of choc when on diet! I am and will continue to hold firm but it's a horrible situation. I can't wait to get home (also to have sodding broadband, I'm outside EU and in middle of nowhere so having to eke out my bundle!)

Mink at 'he has made something if himself, a total twat!'

Peace and strength to all. Choo choo

Rose mine would also laugh at my pronunciation of words sometimes. But I was saying them right (or certainly not wrongly, or even oddly). He was just using it as a tactic to undermine me.

jackie it's important to remember that you will be up and down. It doesn't mean you should go back to him, just that you are still dealing with a lot of the fall-out from the relationship. Work is always good as a distraction.

breathe - you are resisting the chocolate for now, because you know it'll have a bitter aftertaste. It's hard I know, I still struggle a little with it damn my handsome FW but you are nearly home.