Support for those in Emotionally Abusive Relationships : thread 25

[CharlotteCollinsismovingon]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
A check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Why financial abuse is domestic violence Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
Warning signs you?re dating a loser Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie If you?re a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out - You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
Heart to heart - a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

What couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
Should I Stay or Should I Go bonus materials This is a site containing material for men who want to change - please don?t give him the link - print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
What you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

Oh breathe that is really sad that you feel you missed but hopefully you will find that with someone else. but good that he is not getting your sympathy. He can cry you a river.do not flinch.

I used to watch people arguing in rl and on telly and envy them there normal disagreements

I know what you mean Mink! Me too.

Sadly I don't feel I will ever achieve a functioning rs because I have lost too much trust in men and their motives. Maybe that'll change but then I have hurdle of feeling low in confidence!

Quickly checking in. Thanks for the advice. I shall read the details when the contract comes. Assuming the checks come through ok. Still got crossed fingers on that one!

Hope all goes ok charlotte take care

Breathe, sorry have not caught up on whole thread, just picking up on this: 'I don't feel I will ever achieve a functioning rs because I have lost too much trust in men and their motives'

I know what you mean, I feel like that too - BUT you are still in a bad relationship and you have not had a chance to heal, you need that chance to heal, become yourself, be strong. I did have this very fleeting glimpse in my head the other day of me, in about 20 years, and I was not alone. There was someone kind with me. I do not know if I will ever find that person, but the fact that my mind let me glimpse him showed me that healing is possible. It is a long journey and you are only at the start of it. You come first for now.

Rose, if you are on a path, sometimes you take a turn which you realise is not right, and you feel stupid: you have two choices, you can continue on the wrong turn, or you can find your way back to the other path. There is not a map here, it is a case of working out what is right for you and what is wrong. None of us here can make you walk a path you do not want to. But nor should anyone else, least of all your FW.

No judgement Rose. Just keep posting.

And Charlotte - as a renter, I am on a year-long tenancy, but there is the option to leave with notice give (a month or two months, not sure). So check what signing up to 15 months would entail, would it be different. But also - FW is still trying to control what you do. If you are happy to take it for 15 months, that's your business. He doesn't get a say in where you live. If he moves to find another job in a year's time, that's his business - you do not need to move as well to be near him, unless you feel that's what is best for you. He is trying to dictate that everything you do is around him and his needs.

rose I was wondering where you had got to and was hoping that whatevery you do you knew we were still here for you. iyswim. You can make (and unmake) decisions and we will still be here. so please don't hide. you are among friends who understand how tough this is.

breathe I know what you mean about losing faith in men and their motives. You wonder if the day will ever come that you can put your trust in someone and you feel literally damaged from what has happened.

I am just trying to hold on to the fact that others have been in this position and HAVE gone on to have happy relationships with kind men. And god kind is what we need. For the time being try to focus on yourself though

I am sick to death of thinking of my FW constantly. I have an interview on Tuesday that I should be preparing for but I can't keep my mind on it.
A major thing for me is I contracted an sti whilst with him, the sort that as its a virus you can't get rid of and I keep getting flare ups. That bodes really badly for any future relationships. How do I get past that?

He con vinced me that it wasn't from him but from a ons I had before I met him as apparently it can lie dormant, this meant I would have contracted it about a year before first major flare up. It could be true but the likelihood is he cheated. He used to go mad at me for not fully trusting him but I had a valid reason yet he never took that into account. Horrible abuser I am just a mess, how can I think I still love somebody like him. Sorry to go on but I just needed to get it out of my system

jackie it's still possible to love someone and hate what they have done to you. You are still in the early stages. It took me a long, long long time to completely disentangle my feelings about my FW. I couldn't understand how I could still have such strong feelings for him, such confusing 'I wish he were here' feelings, after all the verbal, emotional and physical abuse he brought into our relationship, knowing that if hewere here, I'd feel anxious and on edge, and he'd inevitably end up shouting at me or making me feel afraid again. It's not really a rational thing. So try not to beat yourself up for how you feel. It's part of the process that you feel like this. Trust in the process, keep doing things for yourself (a job interview is a good new prospect), and keep posting. Whatever you feel is fine.

He's even damaged my physical health. Strange thing is he didn't really seem shocked when I had that that first outbreak. I remember thinking why isn't he more shocked or questioning whether I'd been unfaithful? Which surely would be a normal reaction if your partner suddenly had a herpes outbreak?

It was all a bit sinister because he'd say it didn't matter as we were going to be together for the rest of our lives so if we both had it we didn't have to cross he bridge of telling someone new. I feel like I've been emotionally financially and sexually abused. How the hell do I tell a new partner in the future?

We did go to an clinic together for other checks and all were negative. Sorry this is all so me, I realise everyone else on here also has difficulties

Goodness me Rose - he thinks a lot of himself, and of his potential. Has he ever shown any evidence of being able to be like Dennis Hopper et al? Sounds as if he wants to be these people, like a small boy wants to be an astronaut or a footballer. But small boys grow up and get real jobs and responsibilities.

I'm really glad to hear that you can't wait for him to go. That is good! Sorry though that you've been unwell, not really surprising, think you've been holding it together for so long. There's no shame in having taken him up on his offer for help. In a way, it might have clarified things for you, that you have made the right decision to be on your own. His letter and the things he has said to you show no more insight into you and how you are feeling than a bucket of muddy water. Send him on his way as soon as you can, turn up your music and take it easy.

jackie it sounds as if you processing through a lot of things today. Please don't apologise, that's what the thread is here for. Does he have herpes too, do you know? If I found out that my long-term partner had it, I'd still not want to contract it whether or not we were going to be together forever.

I still have complicated feelings for FW. I know I could never live with him again as I could never relax in my own home. But after 9yrs, there's so much shared history that I can still have a good conversation with him.
The problem we have is that he still thinks he's entitled to help from me. He gets arsey when I don't play ball-hence the comment about wanting to be rid of me the other day.
But I know that due to his lack of friends and no family close by, that he still likes my company.

rose wow! and where does he want your feelings and happiness to fit in with his master plan? cutting the bushes to his standard for a start I would think. It is good you have that letter - keep it for times of doubt.
Sorry you have not been well, agree with pony it is understandable. Time for you to relax when he is gone - forget some of the jobs, get yourself fit for your new life. It will take some getting used to having to still get groceries when you are ill, please don't think I am criticing you for anything but you will plan round things without needing his help and I agree with pony that this time will have helped with clarity. I want him to see you strong not when you are ill, he will pray on your vulnerable times. It is good to hear from you, you are coping and doing much better than you think you are - you are out that is a massive step. he is clinging on, he was only saying a few days ago how he didn't want to move with you - he is lost you are not.

match he will always want you to meet his needs. The reason he has so few friends is because no one wants to be his friend as he just takes from them I certain (same with my ex). He knows how nice you are (and you are which is why you feel confused about your feelings) he doesn't want to loose support for his own needs - he doesn't care about you enough - he would take all your energy away for himself and not care. My ex is the same any little thing that does not suit him sends hm into a rage and it is of course my fault - these men need to take care of themselves and not just take from others - they think they are men and can't see how needy they are and how they need to take from others - but it would never be enough anything we did anyway - they are the problem and if we give we will have to give forever and it will never be enough and we will just be left drained and with nothing.

rose one thing- you do not owe him. just remember that.
he came to see you to help out. that was nice. but do not feel obliged to him for it.
if you don't want him there then ask him to go and do not feel obliged to have him back.
if you are happy to have him there some of the time, that is your choice.
and if you want him to live there and he wants to too, then that is a decision you can make knowing that you can also unmake it. (although don't let him get his name on any leases or agreements or you may struggle to shift him)

I have to say though that is sounds as though he turned up to see you and then went on about him, him, him. his feelings, his potential, what he wants. what he does not like about your house.

did he ask you what you wanted?

leaving is hard. it takes time. you need to try on different scenarios and arrangements for size. although from your post it sounds like having him there was not a very comfortable fit. main thing, don't listen to what he wants. that is his problem and for him to sort out his life. do not let him make you feel guilty about his life.

you must think about what you want be 'selfish' rose. sometimes being selfish is the right thing to do.

Jackie sorry to hear you have contracted herpes. it is not a good thing to feel you have something hanging over into your future. but it can be managed. and yes from his reaction, particularly the bit about well if you both have it, it does not matter, it sound like he knew he had it already and carelessly gave it to you. another reason to think you are well rid. time to go and look in that mirror and say 'fuck you FW. I am better off without you'

I have things sorted at the moment, and financially he would be a burden on me as awful as that sounds.

rose that only sounds awful in as much as it is awful that the useless feck would allow himself to be a burden on his family and feel entitled while he was doing it. you have worked hard to sort your life out. he has not.

feel no guilt. you do not owe him anything. don't be ashamed to take the millstone of your neck.

rose you see it very clearly - he can go and do whatever he wants to - why has he not gone and drived round the world then? you have never stopped him doing anything, he is his own problem not yours. Like match you are a kind, loving person and can't just feel nothing but as hard as it is you have to try and distance yourself from him. The drugs can't be helping his state of mind but that and everything else is for him to sort out. Take good care of yourself beautiful rose. I am sure there are many of us on here that fancy running away for a bit with no responsibilities for a while but we don't talk about outloud like it is a possibility. You are moving your life forward for you and DD - you have not had chance to enjoy your new place yet but you will.

indeed good point better. rose imagine turning to him and saying ' dear FW, I have decided I don't want to work. I want to go off travelling and I want you to look after DD while I do it. I am bored of having responsibilities. make sure you have a house for me to come back to (and I want you to make sure it is a house I like) I cannot possibly work. I am too special and I really feel like I might not enjoy it. and btw can I borrow fifty quid off you for some gear.'

can you imagine yourself ever feeling entitled to say that to someone with a straight face. and can you imagine how he would be if you did.

sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander (as I often used to say to my FW)

look after yourself and your dd.

match I would love to chat to my FW sometimes. we had some good times (and in some way they seem even more special because they contrast with the rest of the time and so shine more brightly). and he is funny. and sometimes he was a very good friends and tower of strength. I learned a lot from him. he still gets on with his exw quite a lot of the time (despite the horrors of their marriage). but I would not take the rest of the nonsense back. just the odd chat.
I feel no shame for still having some time for him because I loved him for a reason. but I will not pay the price I used to pay for his friendship.