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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP seems to have a grudge against the world.

95 replies

YonilyDevotedToYou · 11/08/2013 22:52

I am just feeling a bit sad because although I love my DP very much and she can be funny and caring, she seems constantly to feel hard done by or picked on.

For example, most days when we are out she sees someone who is supposedly 'giving her dirty looks' or who has wronged her in some way (pushed in front in a queue or something.)

She takes offence really easily and often ascribes negative motives for people's behaviour (including mine) which I think she is wrong about.

To give an example. We are on holiday at the moment. Today we slightly misjudged the time available to walk from one area of a city to another and we ended up having to grab a quick McDonald's and eat it on the train instead of sitting down to eat. This was nobody's fault but DP grumbled so much, saying she had terrible indigestion, she was tired from walking so fast etc and said it all as if I had made her walk and eat fast on purpose!

I am quite a 'glass half full' sort of person and tend to take most things in my stride, but DP is not really like this at all and it just feels wearing. Any advice on how I can deal with this?

OP posts:
Original poster
YonilyDevotedToYou · 11/08/2013 23:00

Anyone? DP asleep next to me but can't sleep because this is bothering me a lot :(

OP posts:
Original poster
YonilyDevotedToYou · 11/08/2013 23:09

Bump :(

OP posts:
CoffeeandScones · 11/08/2013 23:12

Not sure if I have a magic solution but I feel your pain. How long have you been together?

Original poster
YonilyDevotedToYou · 11/08/2013 23:14

8 years. I think she has got worse over the years tbh but I can remember feeling this was a problem from right at the beginning.

OP posts:
LazyMonkeyButler · 11/08/2013 23:14

TBH, she sound depressed.

I have a DH like this. He takes Citalopram for his anxiety & is much better when taking it. However, he does tend to forget and it is clearly noticeable.

Today, he has spent the day concerning himself with our neighbours' parking habits (which are not that extraordinary).

I love him, but he drives me mad at times!

H2Ointolerant · 11/08/2013 23:15

RED FLAG

She sounds draining. And (fortunately for you) you don't sound very compatible.

What does she say when you point out she is sounding accusatory in these situations?

Original poster
YonilyDevotedToYou · 11/08/2013 23:16

Do you really think this is depression? That is interesting LazyMonkey. The problem is I know she will never admit to that or see a doctor about it because she would see it as a negative judgement on her. Vicious circle :(

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Original poster
YonilyDevotedToYou · 11/08/2013 23:17

TBH I don't really point it out because it creates arguments.

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H2Ointolerant · 11/08/2013 23:17

Oh gosh, 8 years. I'd assumed this was a new relationship.

Yes I can see what others are saying about depression.

However you can't force people to realise it and do something about it unless they really want to. Do you think she would be receptive to talking about it?

H2Ointolerant · 11/08/2013 23:20

More x posts. Tricky one if she won't see a doc.

I think you need to lay on the line how much this is bothering you and affecting you and what it may lead to.

If it leads to nothing being much different, then what is her incentive to alter her behaviour? If you explain that it could lead to the deterioration and demise of your relationship, would she be shocked into action. Or after 8 years would she not take you very seriously?

Lweji · 11/08/2013 23:21

If you could convince her to, she might benefit from Cognitive Behavioural Therapy.

You may need to point out how difficult it makes to be in a relationship with her.

Original poster
YonilyDevotedToYou · 11/08/2013 23:21

The problem is that she is so defensive that I avoid saying anything which could be interpreted as critical. She would either get defensive or start saying that I am naive- she does this when I try to point out that people are, on the whole, nice and have good motives. That is my world view. Hers is that people are, on the whole, selfish and she is suspicious of their motives.

It makes me sad to write these things.

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pictish · 11/08/2013 23:24

Gosh, sounds hard going. You are obviously a more patient person than me, because I pretty much bodyswerve people who look for things to moan about, take offence at, or be pissed off about. They are no fun and they suck all the joy out of everything.

I don;t see that she'll ever change. So LTB.

Original poster
YonilyDevotedToYou · 11/08/2013 23:24

When I say anything like that though, she just says 'fuck off then' or 'go on then, leave if you don't like it.' We can't really have those conversations without arguing.

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CoffeeandScones · 11/08/2013 23:26

Leave then. Sorry, but you'll end up giving in to her for ever. You don't want to find yourself regretting this twenty years later.

Original poster
YonilyDevotedToYou · 11/08/2013 23:28

The thing is as well (sorry, it's all coming out now) is that everything is on her terms because she is like this. I was also mildly irritated that we had to rush our meal, but because I am 'the happy one' I could not mention it and instead had to sort of jolly DP along. I am often asking DP if she is ok, happy etc but she rarely asks me.

OP posts:
something2say · 11/08/2013 23:30

Sounds as tho you are treading on eggshells to avoid making her angry...

Original poster
YonilyDevotedToYou · 11/08/2013 23:31

Yes I am a lot of the time :(

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FarleyD · 11/08/2013 23:31

I really feel for you, people like your dp are so difficult to live with.

Unfortunately, one of my dc's is like this - forever looking for the bad in people, forever choosing to moan about a situation and overlook the good etc. It's totally draining. One of his teachers rang us once to say they found his attitude depressing - all I could say was "you ought to try living with him!"

None of the rest of us are like that, and I try constantly to explain to him that his life will be so much easier and more pleasant if he tries to change his attitude. But like your dp, he won't listen, or says that I'm always having a go at him etc.

I do realise I haven't said anything of practical use to you, but just wanted to say that I do know how you feel. Realistically, I don't know if there is anything you can do, after all, the change needs to come from her and not you. Whatever, good luck.

Original poster
YonilyDevotedToYou · 11/08/2013 23:33

Thank you to all who have posted so far. As I type I am just feeling there is so much more I could say, so many examples.

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Original poster
YonilyDevotedToYou · 11/08/2013 23:38

'Looking for the bad in people' is a good way of putting it Farley- this is what DP seems to do all the time. One big thing is racism. DP is black, I am white. She is CONSTANTLY going on about examples of racism she has experienced in day to day life. Eg in a crowd 'that woman saw my colour and held her bag more tightly' etc. now I KNOW racism exists but I am sure not to the extent that DP believes. But I can't say anything because I am white myself.

OP posts:
pictish · 11/08/2013 23:40

Is she like this a lot OP?

Viviennemary · 11/08/2013 23:40

I think you deserve a bit of happiness and you don't sound very happy at the moment. Maybe it's time to at least think about moving on if you are unhappy and can't see any hope of improvement in the future.

Original poster
YonilyDevotedToYou · 11/08/2013 23:42

Yes Pictish, most days.

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42day · 11/08/2013 23:43

Cant believe I am admitting this but here goes. Sad to say I am actually a bit like this. My mum was quite a bit and I think it is from having had the wrong done to us in the past and being very very wary of others so moan about it to be defensive. I try not to and what has helped is trying to not let it affect the children and my DH who is like you and does try so hard to ignore such things that affect me. Actually I don't think we were/are ever as bad, in that I don't think people are giving me dirty looks but I too find my attitude depressing to myself and find that I can't enjoy life as much as I have a shield up every time I set foot outside and now dread phone calls and emails from certain people as they upset me and I know it's my attitude to some extent. I would say keep being positive and if she is aware of what she is doing then it could help as I think that is what's helped me. I can't talk to my DH about it and I do think an earlier poster was right about depression as of late I often feel I am on the edge of spiralling downwards. Wish you luck.