DP seems to have a grudge against the world.

[YonilyDevotedToYou]

I am just feeling a bit sad because although I love my DP very much and she can be funny and caring, she seems constantly to feel hard done by or picked on.

For example, most days when we are out she sees someone who is supposedly 'giving her dirty looks' or who has wronged her in some way (pushed in front in a queue or something.)

She takes offence really easily and often ascribes negative motives for people's behaviour (including mine) which I think she is wrong about.

To give an example. We are on holiday at the moment. Today we slightly misjudged the time available to walk from one area of a city to another and we ended up having to grab a quick McDonald's and eat it on the train instead of sitting down to eat. This was nobody's fault but DP grumbled so much, saying she had terrible indigestion, she was tired from walking so fast etc and said it all as if I had made her walk and eat fast on purpose!

I am quite a 'glass half full' sort of person and tend to take most things in my stride, but DP is not really like this at all and it just feels wearing. Any advice on how I can deal with this?

Thank you 42day, that is really useful and I hope you feel more positive soon

she does sound depressed, and you sound very weary.

i know someone who acts very much like this, and when confronted even slightly takes it very badly.

it is so hard to even be helpful to this person, as it gets taken the wrong way, and makes this person more defensive and upset.

talking is the only solution, if you want to stay with your partner.

I know but how can we talk when she reacts so badly? I have always been someone who wants to discuss everything, but I find myself being much quieter when with DP and I often don't talk to her about things because she takes them wrongly.

For example, I don't really talk to her about my day at work. She doesn't ask me about it either but then complains that I don't talk to her.

it's almost as if you have to op, and try and get thru the reaction, and say it's because you are down too.

It's sad but if you do it from a place of love, then it can be ok, i know that sounds a bit woo, but you are also doing it for yourself.

You deserve more from this relationship, and for yourself. Your partner has to take some responsibility for themselves and for your relationship.

How else will you get any peace or happiness.

It doesn't sound as though you are getting much from this relationship. I would say your partner is probably depressed, and I think this must be very draining for you. You definitely can't win by trying it point out the positive in things, as if someone is determined to see the worst this will just set them off more by way of countering your positivity Would your partner seek any help, do you think? Or be amenable to a proper Talk about it? Otherwise I would be thinking long and hard about whether their I wanted to stay in the relationship.

I'm not sure I agree with those who ascribe her behaviour to depression. It may just be that she is a negative person with a paranoid/victim perspective.

Have you met her parents? Do they have the same negative outlook on life?

Do you have dc?

I like your advice to. 'do it from a place of love' piratecat, thank you. The other problem I think is that I have built up a lot of resentment and so I find it hard to remain calm and loving when DP becomes critical and defensive.

Is she ever happy? If so, what makes her happy? Is there anything in her upbringing that has made her so "glass half empty"? Can you catch her when she's in a good mood and tell her how you feel and how it's affecting you?

I look at my ds sometimes when he has friends round, and see him laughing and apparently happy, and I wonder if it's just with us, his family, that he is so draining. Then I get phone calls like the one from his teacher which seem to suggest that he is, in fact, that down type of person. I wish I could help him to be more optimistic but I don't think it's going to happen. It's so frustrating.

42day - you at least have self awareness of your trait and try to do something about it, and you also have a reason as to why it might have begun in the first place. I hope you can find some happiness.

Do you want to stay in he relationship if there isn't change?

You have to take some form of action to get change, no matter how scary it is.

I think that you have accepted the inevitability that it will get worse if you confront her, but it seems to me that there is no possiblity of it getting better unless you do.

I think I'd write it down, if you think she will shout or withdraw before you are finished talking.

We don't see her parents as they were abusive. Which is if course the source of the problem, and why I feel I have to cut her a lot of slack.
She has two DDs, one of whom still lives at home and is 18, the other is 23. I am also female and younger than DP, would love to have a baby but obviously it's a bit more complicated for us!

I quite like the suggestion of writing it down, Nagoo, thank you. Will try that.

She is happy sometimes yes , but the problem is her mood is very changeable. This morning at a theme park, we came off a ride: 'that was awesome' big smiles. Literally 1 minute later: 'I feel dizzy.' We walked to another area. I said 'DP how are you feeling now' and she snapped 'I TOLD you! DIZZY!' Her tone can be very hurtful.

This probably isn't very helpful but when she has an outburst could you say 'I'm sorry you feel like that, but in feeling a bit down today, do you mind keeping negative thought to yourself?'. And then quickly change the subject to something more positive.

Yoni, what about cutting yourself some slack? Nearly all of us have some sort of issues to deal with, and to the best of our ability, that's what we have to do - deal with them. We can't, or shouldn't let those issues take over and determine the way we lead our lives, neither should we let our issues overwhelm the wants and needs of those we love. I know that's very easy for me to say but I have, to some extent, been there.

What do you get out of this relationship? What does she give to you? Is there a possibility that you can have a baby - is this something you have discussed? Or does she not want one because she already has children?

Hmmm I could try that but I feel that it might be a bit counter productive- although DP is very negative she doesn't like being told that she is, so I would probably get 'Negative thoughts? Why are you saying I'm negative? You are always criticising me' etc.

look - she has to decide that she wants a more positive outlook on life. You can turn yourself inside out trying to please her, but if she is a miserable person, you can't help her much (if at all). She has to want to lead a happier life and actively seek out ways to make that happen. You can't do it for her.

It is possible - of course - that she is depressed. If that is the case, could you tell her that you love her but are concerned about her because she seem so unhappy all the time. Tell her you want to support her, and ask her what she needs/wants from you. But also tell her that you need/want things from her. Relationships are a two way street, and both need to contribute to the well-being of the other person.

It is also possible that she is emotionally manipulative perhaps bordering on emotionally abusive. She has found a malleable person in you, and the threat of her displeasure means you can't address anything ever. That is not healthy.

Perhaps the two of you can go to Relate or some other sort of couples counseling. Would having a neutral intermediary help her hear things you don't feel able to say?

Sorry, previous post was to Vijac. Farley, the questions in your second paragraph are hard for me to answer. Sometimes I feel very secure and loved. Other times, I feel the opposite.
We have discussed having a baby but I think we are both dragging our heels- her perhaps because she already has children, me perhaps because I am not convinced I want to have a baby with her :(

Counselling might be a good option early bird, thank you, will maybe look into it (although again I don't know how DP would react)

What if you answered her truthfully, and said 'yes, I'm saying you are negative.' Sometimes honesty is negative. That is a fact.

I make a real point when reprimanding dd, to say that while I love her very much, i find certain behaviour unacceptable. Maybe you could differentiate between the two with your dp.

If your dp grew up in an abusive family, she probably was/is quite damaged from that experience. Very few people emerge unscathed from those sorts of family situations. She can change her perspective/outlook/interpretation of things, but it will take a lot of effort on her part - and will probably need some professional therapy/analysis. And she's got to want to do it.

Well I guess if there is doubt on both your parts about having a baby, the answer has to be a definite no.

I want to say something wise and profound that will solve your situation, but I can't! Only you and she can do that, but both of you have to be prepared to give of yourselves. My instinct is to say that you would be better off apart, as it doesn't sound as if she's trying very hard, or considering your happiness, but what do I know? I really hope you can find some way to communicate openly and honestly and move this forward, in whichever direction. I wish you lots of luck though.

Regarding having a baby with your dp: what sort of Mum is she to her two children? How does she interact and treat them?

Early bird, thank you. Your posts are very helpful and thoughtful. The problem is, whenever I say anything about her past, she gets really upset and says that I'm 'using stuff against her' and that she wishes she had never told me about her childhood because I just 'use it against her'.

She is a good but strict mum. She is definitely harsher in the way she speaks to her younger DD than I ever am or could be, and can be quite hurtful in her comments, but to be honest my DSD is very well adjusted, happy and obviously loves her mum very much.

Honestly, she's not going to change unless she sees the need for it & gets the motivation to do it herself. You can't ask someone to change. And if you did she would just turn it into a negative. My mum's negative, when I point out that she may be depressed, she just thinks I'm criticising her. She's not much less negative at 75 than she was when I was a kid...

Personally, I think either you accept her exactly as she is now, or if that doesn't work for you, consider finding someone more compatible.