DP seems to have a grudge against the world.

[YonilyDevotedToYou]

I am just feeling a bit sad because although I love my DP very much and she can be funny and caring, she seems constantly to feel hard done by or picked on.

For example, most days when we are out she sees someone who is supposedly 'giving her dirty looks' or who has wronged her in some way (pushed in front in a queue or something.)

She takes offence really easily and often ascribes negative motives for people's behaviour (including mine) which I think she is wrong about.

To give an example. We are on holiday at the moment. Today we slightly misjudged the time available to walk from one area of a city to another and we ended up having to grab a quick McDonald's and eat it on the train instead of sitting down to eat. This was nobody's fault but DP grumbled so much, saying she had terrible indigestion, she was tired from walking so fast etc and said it all as if I had made her walk and eat fast on purpose!

I am quite a 'glass half full' sort of person and tend to take most things in my stride, but DP is not really like this at all and it just feels wearing. Any advice on how I can deal with this?

I agree Morris - I am going to treat the OP's dp not as a woman, or a man, but as a rude, ill mannered, miserable person, who is making her partner's life thoroughly unpleasant. I couldn't care less whether she's got tits or dangly bits. She's a horror.

Sorry everyone, life got in the way and I haven't had time to come back till now. I am so touched by all your lovely responses (and amused by pictish :) )

Since I last posted we have come back from holiday and DP has been much nicer. She has just left me in bed and gone off to get stuff for breakfast, telling me to relax. This is the problem- her moods are so unpredictable and sudden, but when she is in a good mood she is lovely.

I just wonder if in 'normal' relationships, what I think of as DP being lovely is just everyday behaviour. For example, I was really pleased just now because she gave me a kiss goodbye and didn't grumble about me still being in bed while she was up- but maybe I am expecting too little IYSWIM?

Hi OP, my first post and I have been moved to respond because I have been in a very similar situation and thought I might share my perspective.
In answer to your most recent post, YES you need to raise your expectations if being treated with love and kindness by your partner is an unexpected surprise rather than the norm.
My partner was similar to yours in that everything was perceived as an attack, her moods were unpredictable and I had to tread on eggshells to avoid upsetting her. The thing I found most frustrating was the double standard - if she was in a mood I 'should understand' and not call her on it as this was 'not helpful!', whereas if I was even slightly grumpy I never heard the end of it. Also if I was ever upset or angry with her, she would get upset too and make situation about her. I would have to smooth things over, and therefore be denied the right to my own feelings because she 'needed' me to take responsibility for hers. Does and of this ring bells for you?
I had a moment of clarity when I realised that I was losing my individuality and losing faith in my own judgement because I was so used to being in the wrong. She was being herself with me, but I was censoring my personality at every turn in order to avoid conflict. I decided to stop doing that for two reasons - 1. it was emotionally draining and 2. it wasn't fair to my partner either, she couldn't really know me and have a relationship based on any kind of truth if I was hiding my real personality.
I started standing up for myself, asking for what I needed and refusing to take responsibility for the moods and feelings of another adult, in the hope that we could build a more equitable relationship. Sadly it didn't work because as soon as I started to express myself and stopped allowing myself to be manipulated (i.e. grew a pair), the rows escalated beyond what I was prepared to live with and she didn't want a partner who wouldn't dance to her tune.
That might not happen in your situation but there's only one way to find out. You are not happy so something needs to change, and you can only change yourself. Your partner's behaviour is abusive at present, whether she realises that or not, and the only person who can change that is her. We can't always help what we feel but we can certainly choose how we behave in response to those feelings (i.e. shouting at you because she is insecure?!) and we have a duty to consider how our CHOICES affect those we claim to love.

Wow sherridan, that was a really thoughtful post and literally EVERYTHING you said rang bells.
I now have to reveal (sorry to drip feed but wasn't sure whether to say anything about this or not) that our relationship used to be much more stormy and occasionally became physical with pushing and shoving etc. There was blame on both our parts I'm sorry to say, but my DP was always much more violent than I was, for example I would take hold of her arms to emphasise a point (not proud of this but it happened) and she would throw me off against a wall ,or onto the floor.

The reason I am mentioning it though is that I think the reason this used to happen is because I used to 'stick up for myself' more. Since I stopped doing so, we have stopped the physical tussles and our arguments are less horrific, but I do feel as you describe, that my personality is being subsumed. Don't know what the answer is really.

Oh :( I have lost everybody since I first posted. Anyone out there please?

Like previous posters have said, you'd be getting different responses if your partner was male. These are the responses you would get:

Your partner is abusive
Your partner is choosing to treat you like this
People who are depressed don't treat their partners like shit because of depression.
Things will not improve, you are walking on egg shells and soon your mental health will suffer.

All of the above is applicable to your partner. You daren't even approach her, how can you live day to day with your stomach churning not knowing what kind of mood she'll be in? It's no way to live. You deserve better.

I agree with hops. This sounds unfixable. What you say about violence in the past just makes it worse.

Relationships are meant to be fulfilling. They add to your happiness. When its hard work like this, and you have to pretend to be somebody else just to keep the peace, well as others have said, its no way to live.

Thank you Hopasholic. I have left before but we got back together. My problem is that I really hate making people unhappy and I felt as though if I stayed away, she would never be happy again.

I have thought of another issue. She never EVER apologises. I can't remember a single time.

What about you? What about your happiness? What about your right to be treated well? What about feeling loved?

This woman is mistreating you, and she's happy about it: her being defensive when you mention it is her way of making sure that the status quo stays the same.

I think you should tell her what you think, and that unless things change seriously, you will be leaving. And if they don't, leave. You deserve so much more from life.

I kind of have a feeling you know what you need to do really but can't face up to the finality of it.

What about couples counselling as a way of trying to explain to her exactly what is grinding you down and why?

In the end though, if she does not accept that there is an issue here, then...as I said earlier, you either suck it up or you leave.

YoniD You're not responsible for her happiness love.

She needs to take responsibility for her moods. Have you thought about writing it all down and giving her a letter? What's her relationship like with her DC'? Does she speak to them like she speaks to you? How is she around other people in general? In short is she treating you this way because she can?

This is not depression, this is her personality. And people with this type of negative energy are draining including if you are thrown into the role of being the jolly enabler. It won't change so you need to deeply consider if this is a relationship for you.

I would suggest you get out (do not have a child with her). Then get some counselling and maybe do the Freedom Programme, online if you can't find a local course you would be happy with.

It is her not you, but you need to also consider why you put up with it and have got back together in the past.

I agree with hops too!

You are in a shitty, destructive, fucked up relationship, with an abusive woman.
She is not like that because she is depressed. She is like that because she is a horrible person.

The patches of reasonableness and caring you experience, are there to keep you hooked into the relationship. After all, if she was awful ALL the time, you would leave without hesitation wouldn't you? So no - she has to pepper her control and abuse with periods of calm and loveliness, so you are kept confused and doubting yourself that it's bad enough to leave. It is called The Cycle of Abuse.

Your partner will never change.
I suggest you ditch her miserable arse, and get on with having a happy, positive life without her.

Yonily - you are not responsible for her happiness. You can't live your life trying to make another person happy, it's up to them. Also by doing so you compromise yourself, your happiness and your wellbeing.

In a healthy relationship both partners support each other. They care about each others happiness and wellbeing and can be honest with each other, without fear of put downs and violence. You deserve that!

In response to one of your earlier posts about expectations if behaviour (sorry just catching up with this thread) - in a healthy relationship people are nice and caring to each other. To me that's why you're in a relationship - because you have found a lovely person you want to share your life with. Yes sometimes niggles happen and there can be arguments but at the end of the day the two parties are respectful to each other and want what's best for the other and want to do things for them to make their life easier etc. Its a mutual thing - not one person doing everything for another and adjusting their behaviour to fit the other person.

The difficulty with counselling, and with CBT counselling in particular, is that the person having the counselling has to be the person who wants to change and takes full responsibility for changing.

CBT isn't a medicine that you take at regular intervals and it automatically goes to work on your insides. It's a series of techniques that you have to decide to apply when you spot a trigger situation coming up. Nobody else can do that for you. It cannot work if the person who is in need of help:

is not willing to accept that there is a problem

is not prepared to be vigilant about spotting negative behaviour patterns/thought patterns/trigger situations

is not prepared to make a conscious effort to apply the techniques when needed

It's like a training programme: you can't do it whilst burying your head in the sand.

I am living with somebody who is currently trying to get a handle on her extreme anxiety via CBT (and medication). I can't up and leave because it is my under-age daughter. But I am painfully aware that I also cannot do it for her: every single time, every single day depends on a conscious effort on her part and when she sticks her head under the duvet and refuses to make that effort we are all powerless. It's not like a medicine I could bully or even force her into swallowing.

Op you say that you hate making people unhappy and that she wouldn't be happy again if you stayed away? Firstly she isn't happy now, that much is clear and secondly it is her responsibility to address that, not yours. If you stayed away she would more than likely repeat this pattern in another relationship and that isn't your responsibility either.

You can not 'rescue' her, but you could easily damage your own mental health trying. I imagine that you don't want to 'give up' on her and that you often think ''if only [whatever magical transformation took place] , then things would be ok''. If that's the case then unless she is willing and able to do some serious work on her behaviour and consistently treat you with love, then you are kidding yourself. As pictish says, abusive partners have to be nice to us sometimes, it serves to keep us hooked. Actions speak louder than words as the saying goes - do your partner's actions say that she loves and respects you?
If I were you, (and I have done this) I would seek counselling or CBT for myself through your GP and work on what you want from your life and how you relate to others. You say you would like to have a baby but not with her because of her behaviour? If the relationship isn't good enough to bring a child into then it isn't good enough for you to live with either.

Hi Yonily, your posts are really familiar to me, in that my dad is just like your partner. It is horrible to live with and I really feel for you. My dad has always been like this - even his parents say that he has always been this negative, so in part it must be his personality.

I understand that, as I am more inclined to have a negative outlook, but I try desperately to not be like it by changing my thought patterns, as I know how depressing it is for other people to live with. In my case it's my children and DH, and I love and respect them too much to subject them to it.

However, in the case of your partner and my dad, they don't seem to care how much it hurts you, and end up turning it all round to you or some other outside agent or excuse, and like your partner, there's never any apology. Ever. It's incredibly hurtful and as I've pointed out to my mother, emotionally abusive. At the moment I'm not speaking to my dad following a particularly horrible incident a couple of weeks ago that caused massive upset and hurt to me, DH, my mother and a few other people in my family, due to my father's temper and 'woe is me' attitude.

The last couple of weeks have been upsetting as I love him, even if he doesn't deserve it, but I no longer worry about his negativity because I've removed myself from it. Sorry it's so long....may actually start my own thread later. Hope you find a solution Yonily, but I worry you won't. My mum's done this for 30 years and is not the same person she was, after being ground down into thinking this is normal when it's very much not.