DP seems to have a grudge against the world.

[YonilyDevotedToYou]

I am just feeling a bit sad because although I love my DP very much and she can be funny and caring, she seems constantly to feel hard done by or picked on.

For example, most days when we are out she sees someone who is supposedly 'giving her dirty looks' or who has wronged her in some way (pushed in front in a queue or something.)

She takes offence really easily and often ascribes negative motives for people's behaviour (including mine) which I think she is wrong about.

To give an example. We are on holiday at the moment. Today we slightly misjudged the time available to walk from one area of a city to another and we ended up having to grab a quick McDonald's and eat it on the train instead of sitting down to eat. This was nobody's fault but DP grumbled so much, saying she had terrible indigestion, she was tired from walking so fast etc and said it all as if I had made her walk and eat fast on purpose!

I am quite a 'glass half full' sort of person and tend to take most things in my stride, but DP is not really like this at all and it just feels wearing. Any advice on how I can deal with this?

I think she sounds rude and self absorbed.
It wouldn't be for me.

Pictish, I love your succinct one-line summaries of the situation! So direct and (sadly) I feel so accurate!

Ladies, I am going to have to go to sleep- my eyelids are getting really heavy. Thank you so much for all your helpful posts. I will be back in the morning :)

Well you know, your 'tone' says it all.
You sound worn out, sad, frustrated and like you spend your entire time walking on eggshells trying to keep this moaning mama happy - even though she never is!
What's the point?

People are who they are because of how the past has shaped their personalities - and then how they are able/choose to respond. If your dp was generally happy/content, you could say that her life is working well. But she sounds utterly miserable, and is making you unhappy too.

You can't fix her. She's got to want to do that herself. And you can't make her happy. She's got to want to have that in her life - and then be single minded about trying to improve things. When there is abuse in the background, it is an especially hard path.

It may be that the best thing your dp has done for herself is found you. You seem loving, patient, concerned, considerate, kind, etc. But, you have to think about what you are getting out of this relationship. And just as you think about how to support your dp, she should be thinking about how to support you (not blaming you for everything).

Sometimes a person has to either accept their partner warts and all, or accept that the wonderful traits are overshadowed by the negative aspects. if it is the latter, you may need to seriously reevaluate the relationship.

Bugger. Now can't sleep thinking about this :( anyone still up?

I am very much like this in different stages of my life. I've a baby under one and all that negativity has come back. My dp is so happy and at the moment I snap at him, I moan that he doesn't understand why I'm negative etc. I have a CBT counsellor who I'm seeing at the moment for a few sessions. I learn at the sessions why I'm like that (learned behaviours from parents) and how I can overcome it.
I wouldn't say I was depressed but very low with a feeling of being hard done by.
But I should get better with CBT....until next time...and if needs be I will go back again.
I think CBT will be an excellent solution if she will agree. Can you start the conversation with "I really love you...I'm a bit concerned as I want you to be happy...how about CBT...I've heard it's great for feeling positive"

Me again - as I've been thinking about your post OP overnight and wondered how it developed if at all. Lots of very thoughtful posts as always for MNetters. (thanks for the flowers and I think you really deserve some too so here are yours ) Also thanks FarleyD for your comments.

Back to OP. I agree that you have to want to change as some OP has posted but i do feel that sometimes you need to be given the opportunity. for me I think the thing was I could see why my mum was like she was time and time again, but I could also see how it affected my mum, however, this didn't stop me from joining in, reluctantly, in a show of solidarity. One of the very early incidents happened to us together and was very shocking and yes it was because we are black. I was so surprised when you said later after my first post that your DP is black and thought no that's not why I am as I am but to an extent it is but my no means is it the only reason. The thing that helped me is not wanting our DC to be the same, defensive to the point that your self esteem is so very low and you are not able to really let go and enjoy just day to day things. As I mentioned I dread the phone but emails from certain people have also made that shield come down now in our own home as before it was really just when stepping outside into the "horrid society" that we live in. Really hard to get the way it feels across without it sounding like I feel the world is against me and I really do not feel that way but if I say to you that whenever I come across a genuine nice act from a stranger I am so so very happy and I can't tell you the effect it has on me for ages after! One final point is that one day my DH surprised me and said I am worried about you as I think you are depressed - well that was a shock to me as I thought I hid how I often feel so well. I made myself go the doctor but they were of no help and I would like to try counselling CBT would probably help me I feel but I cannot afford it. Space2000 posting is interesting. We are not easy to cope with and as others have said you may have to walk away for your own sake but like others have said, we all have things that get the other partner down and maybe you are just a bit weary right now and the walking away option is too extreme. As earlybird said she has to want to change and just maybe you could give her the opportunity to try. Gosh I've never written so much on MN!

I'm a survivor of child abuse....and I also help women flee abuse.....one thing I think that is sad yet helpful is this.....we did not deserve it, but coping with it seems to be our responsibility.

So the bad temper that she has is now her problem, borne of something she did not deserve....that's my take on it....

As for my advice.....I'd say to her quite clearly....l am sorry for what happened to you but you do my head in. The results of your childhood are making you awful to live with and I am thinking of leaving. I know it wasn't your fault, but the results are your responsibility. if you can change, good, but if not, there's a chance our relationship may be over....

X

Also maybe openly start saying that you don't want to spend time with her because she acts like a victim all the time and people can't say anything. This is common to survivors, but the abusers are not you and current day people, and she needs to hear that. Mitts fine to get upset about the background, but not fine to keep getting this upset all day every day and calling it the wrong thing ie the ride, the look, etc.

Something2say is spot on.
Also, you sound as if you are so very fed up and almost as if you are 'seeking permission' to leave this relationship.
No one needs to stay with someone whose behaviour is, in effect, controlling and abrasive.
Having lived with someone who is similar - but not nearly as extreme as your DP for more than 20 years - I'd say it's time to tackle this in the way that Something suggests and if that doesn't work, you need to leave. To be clear - the things Something posted are the same things our excellent therapist said to him.
How is the relationship doing you any good?

OP your dp sounds a lot like me :(

i can really relate to having a grudge against the world. have no idea why i am like it, always have been, prob since i was a teenager

i too am on citalopram for anxiety, have been on it about a month, and i have to say i am a lot better since i have been on it

I agree something2say but at the same time I would say she needs help to change. As a matter of interest do you recommend CBT or just changing in some other way? (Years of becoming the person she is today cannot suddenly be changed by one spot on statement can it?)

42day - I got CBT on the NHS - can you look into this route? And for the OP, you obviously love her very much, it's such a hard position to be in, no wise words really, other than try to persuade her gently to get help.

It's abut having that willingness to change in the first place. If the person isn't willing, it can't happen.

Have skimmed through most of the thread and think the first question you need to ask, OP is do you want this relationship to continue? It sounds like she has her own issues and would benefit from some sort of counselling to help her deal with them. Obviously, she may feel she is perfectly fine and doesn't need anything but I suspect if you scratch the surface an unhappy individual will come out.

My advice would be to write her a letter explaining how you love her but you need there to be changes for everyone's benefit and then suggest the counselling. She needs to know that her behaviour has real negative consequences and that it needs to change otherwise she will lose you - but not in an ultimatum type way if that makes sense.

Good luck with tackling this one but I think the sooner you do the better things will be as you can't live your life walking on egg shells forever.

From what you've said OP, your DP sounds a rude and unpleasant nightmare. I had an ex just like this. When we first met he was totally cool and happy, but as he got comfortable with me he got moodier and moodier until the point when it felt as if I was frantically trying to keep his mood afloat all the time.

I ended up taking full responsibility for another adult's happiness, which in retrospect was a crazy thing for me to do, and totally unfair.

After I finally left him it was like coming back into the light. I was amazed at how easy and fun life can be when you aren't dragging the weight of a joy killing misery guts around all the time.

Personally, I doubt your partner will change. If you want to enjoy life on your own terms, only one person can take charge of sorting that out, and its you. Happiness is out there x

The jury is out on what works currently.

Some say - don't bother hashing thro the past.
Some say - it really does need tending to, before you can securely move on.

I'm in the latter camp. I'd start with a good excavation of the wound, followed by the CBT approach, where you lean how to think.

It's not enough to learn how to think on its own in my view....,people need respect paid to their wounds, not just brushing them under the carpet like they don't matter.

Something2say's words are the wisest I've read in a while.

I'm a bit like the OP's partner too, I'm quite aware I can be negative. The problem is that constant negative things happen to me and my family and I get terribly affected whether small or big. I feel like I am the unluckiest person in the whole world and each day is a struggle to stay alive. No matter how much I fight to improve my situation and that of my family, there is always another challenge. I've got through an abusive childhood, I married a man who turned out 3 years into marriage to be violent, who's cleared out my bank account, who's abandoned his children, who keeps sending the Police out saying I have murdered the children, who has threatened to kill me and the Police refuse to even go and speak to him - instead they reported they were worried about HIS welfare, complaining to them has made no difference. I really think sometimes that life has got it in for me, that what is the point of fighting just for a normal life, what is the point of being positive when nothing but constant negative happens. How can one change when one is beaten constantly? Maybe the OP's partner is just fed up that the negative never stopping.

I always think this is a bit of a self esteem issue -if you 'down grade' all the people around you it gives you an 'up grade' in comparison. How is her self esteem?

Blimey. Can I be the first to wonder how we'd be responding if the DP was a man? Explaining his rudeness with concerns about his self esteem? I can't picture it.

You're not the first to wonder Morris just the first to say it out loud

Aye :)

I have read your thread and really do feel for you..you are in a difficult position. Sadly, it reminds me of a friend who ended up having a breakdown herself from trying to support her partner's behaviour. Her behaviour got increasingly demanding and my friend's time was increasingly spent trying to accommodate her. Needless to say, the relationship did not survive.

I'm not saying that this is where you are heading at all. But that, from this experience, I see that you have two basic choices. One is to suck it up and keep going as you are (can you really do that?). The other is to be honest with her (from a place of love...I like that too!) and be fully prepared that the consequences, in the short term, will be tough to get through.

It seems to me that the second option would have helped my friend avoid a hell of a lot of crap.

This sounds like a thoroughly draining an unfulfilling situation to be in. I agree with a lot of points on here. She needs to recognise there is a problem and agree to some form of counselling/CBT/other effort to change. If not then nothing will improve and you need to decide if that is what you want to live like.

To me, a relationship is based of honestly and feeling like you can be totally 100% yourself with your partner without needing to sensor yourself or walk on eggshells. To me a partner should be a best friend too and if they aren't I couldn't be with them.

You deserve to be happy. You deserve to be with someone who cares about your feelings and respects your views even when they differ. You deserve to be with someone who you can relax with and feel supported by. Only you can decide what to do however I know I couldn't stay with a person who made me so unhappy and drained.

MorrisZap, I think it is important to remember that we live in a male dominated world....with many men and women growing up to think that the man automatically leads, because he is a man and it is his right to lead things.....so if we have a situation where a man is throwing his weight around to ensure he gets his way, then no we would not be attributing that to low self esteem on his part...

I think you have hit a point tho - I work in this field and have thought for a long time 2 things -

1. Men have nowhere to go with their emotions. They are often abandoned children, who grew up with DV at home and all sorts of other issues....and there are not the services to deal with them, and most people push it to the wall before seeking help...
2. Men do tend to hurt outwards, where women hurt themselves typically... (not sure how that is relevant now haha!)

Anyway I think this is a victim of various ills (not leats of all racism) and she needs to know that she needs help, it is ruining her today let alone all her yesterdays, and it is impacting those she loves.....

If it were a man, I would want to know more....but yes men can suffer the same things, but it needs to be careful not to be mixed up.....

The bottom line is = we are all agreeing generally that abuse is not to be borne, and never should have been borne, and if it has been borne, then it needs healing before it hurts other people.