The Dating Thread - episode 61

[lurkinglorna]

BOOM!

grinchie dammit I like them ALL

It's just working out which one fits best into current chaotic lifestyle?

Actually a real confidence boost meeting the two guys today?

I was a bit worried I've got a bit "can only be turned on by strapping uber manly thrusting military officer/corporate type" due to recentish adventures.

And I think it's a dating flaw and won't be good for me in the future to have a "specific type" I go weak at the knees for and suspend all judgement for?

But two chaps today, both couple inches taller than me, creative professions, and I was leching at them like crazy (as far as one can lech over slicing a macaron or walking round looking at architecture ). I'm growing personally!

"Ms Naysayer has now got it together with my STBXH"

grinchie

Here you go ladies, I've found the man for you! DreamDate

yoga

eurgh, just eurgh.

Yoga reDream Date -a woman dress size 0-2 will have real difficulty getting preggers anytime sooner - never mind in 1-2 years! What a clown.

Waves to all-

Spent day with Meet Up guy. Lovely, relaxed, peaceful, his slow (late) pace is not mine, but has its benefits. Just needs getting used to in comparison to STBXH. Sex is tremendous.

Re-cap for newbies - met him at a Meet Up ( I don't do OD & there are masses of MUs in my area) 6 weeks after my marital split, instigated by XP. Totally not looking. Now on week 10. So far so good.

Oh, I can't think why he's still single yoga, he seems like such a catch I don't think I'll bother to apply. I'm more like this...

Well, it is totally off with him. I didn't sleep much and kept stewing on the one more chance thing but I spent years with ex giving him one more chance and I'm absolutely terrified of being in the same situation again. So I told him and that's that. I'm gutted. I'm more than gutted. He seemed like such a good prospect and I couldn't help but form ideas of a future together. I think he was a bit too. But I just can't get myself into a situation like that again and I don't trust myself to extricate myself further down the line if it formed a trend.

So, battered and bruised (emotionally), sleep deprived and looking like a hag, I will pick myself up and start again.

Title, big un-MN hugs to you. Sounds like you have totally made the right decision, and although it will hurt like hell just now, the hurt will disappear and you can move on.

It's a shame he didn't make the grade, but better that you know now, rather than years down the line. Be kind to yourself today x

Morning Title. I'm sorry but sounds like you're being true to yourself. I think one thing we learn (hopefully) from all the heartache we go through, is that there are certain things we need from a relationship and if it's not there, it's not worth compromising on.

As for DreamDate - you don't need to date him, just set him up with one of your friends and he'll do your eyelashes for free lol!

Oh oh oh He's just text and now I feel like a total cow I really want to text him back. But I won't. I can't put myself in a position where I feel like I'm not in control of my life again. He thinks I'm punishing him for ex's actions but I'm not. He laughed at it...

Oh fuck. Why does this hurt so much after only ten weeks? Room on the sofa for a Hilda-sized one?

Title, obviously I don't know your background, but its pretty much a given that any man worth being with should find stories of past violence shocking, upsetting and a cause for comforting the woman, not laughing at them.

I had a girlfriend in the past who'd been beaten up by a previous bloke, I was angry at him and thought the works was unfair but there wasn't a hint of anything funny. It threw me off, to be honest, and I treated her with kid gloves for a bit but we got over it.

You've done the right thing. Anyone with such a startling lack of empathy isn't right for you.

Better to be single (temporarily) than settle

Thought the world was unfair

Resist, Title - he is trying to minimise (again). You're not punishing him for your ex's actions, you're punishing him for his own. Shame he isn't ready to take responsibility for that.

Plenty room on the sofa, DreamDate would find it too uncomfy with her skinny arse, but it's perfect for Hildas

Title so sorry to hear what has happened. What an arse.

Anyone who takes the piss and laughs at a victim of violence is a shit. My ex was violent and if I told someone (and it's quite a big thing for me to tell people) and they reacted like this I would be in pieces. And he's done it twice.

It will be hard not to text back but stand firm.

You're not a bad judge of character either. People always show their best side early on, and now that the flaws are starting to show you've made entirely the right decision.

It's still hard, though, and it hurts. Lots of hugs, love.

Title I really really relate to your post about not feeling in control. V much feeling like that now big hugs and

Title the normal response to the new someone has been in an abusive relationship would be surprise/anger on their behalf.
It would not be to laugh at them, that's a huge red flag right there.

Come and sit on the sofa with me, we've got dvds and I record interesting stuff on Sky all the time
Beverages of your choice and much chocolate. And ice lollies, I've got a thing for lollies atm.
And we can chat.

Chat is good. Its hard when things like this happen... on a weekend... when your friends are in solid relationships and you don't want to be a constant whinger! I'm going to do something this morning that I've been meaning to for ages - but I've been putting it off. And now I have the full day to myself.

I will allow myself a few days wallowing and then I will move right on. You're all lovely

Hello everyone, think I've name changed since posting a while ago, I've been sulking and lurking after becoming disheartened by meeting a string of twunts on first dates.

Title, I think that's really poor behaviour from Mr Lovely, hope you're ok. Waving at the rest of the thread (OWW I particularly like the sound of Alpha, he seems lovely!)

So I've had seven or eight dates now with Mr Dark Horse. What an awful nickname sorry, I'm not good at thinking on the spot. Averaging one date a week, not sure that there's a red flag in sight surprisingly. We've been out for meals, drinks etc, I've stayed over, he's stayed over, he's cooked for me. But all our conversations have been sort of light, dates are also light. I've only got past one or two dates once before since getting divorced, and in that case he just wanted a casual arrangement and I was clearly on the wrong page and became a bit attached, then moped around after clearing that up. I would really rather not have to mope around again, but I don't want to come across as needy by initiating a 'what is this?' Conversation. Do you think I'm over thinking things and should just carry on and let these conversations come naturally?

Hi Fox I don't think you are overthinking things but:
What do you want to happen?
If you spoke to him and he didn't want the same things would that be the end? In which case would you rather have said nothing?
What did your original profiles say you were looking for?
If you don't have the conversation with him will you become fed up soon?
Do you think you are unwittingly giving out 'back off' signals? (I do this all the time).

Going by what you have already said I would suggest you don't say anything for a few more dates which will give you time to decide what you want to say, how you want to say it and may mean things take off on their own anyway.

Ok Title this is my list of some things we are chatting about today:

My living room needs moving around, where do I put everything?
Meteor showers.
Autumn/winter work clothes.
Whether the woman 2 doors down is ever going to stop shouting at her son.
My Mum, right decision or big mistake?
Caitlin Moran's article in The Times magazine yesterday.

Other topics will be taken from the Sunday papers (broadsheets) & the free Ok magazine app I've got on my phone (I'm not paying for it when it ends so I need to squeeze the juice out of it while it's free).

Thanks grinchie, I suppose I want things to progress. I'm not saying immediately, but just to know that it has the potential to progress to a relationship. If he just wanted a casual arrangement, yes I would end it as I wouldn't want to become more attached to him over time knowing that it couldn't be anything more than casual. I wanted to blurt out 'are you seeing anyone else?' When I was with him yesterday but I was worried that I would sound needy, although really I don't think it's an unreasonable question to ask after a couple of months. I think it's that I want those sort of discussions to be initiated by him so I don't feel as if I'm forcing his hand. As for how I come across, god knows, I probably give off all sorts of unintentional signals in an effort to not be too much of this, that or the other!

Fox, I don't think 7 or 8 dates is too soon to be asking 'are you seeing anyone else' and 'do you think there is potential here/are you interested in a relationship if things continue to progress between us?'. You're not asking him to commit to something serious yet but if he has absolutely no interest in a relationship at some point then it probably is better to know sooner rather than later. Having said all that, I know it's really hard to articulate all that if the other person doesn't seem inclined to bring it up.

Oh and grinchie - do you have a link for the Caitlin Moran article..?

Fox as someone who let a similar situation drag on, well on and off, for too long. I would suggest that you bring the subject up if you are getting emotionally involved.

Speaking of whom, I've ended things there for good now. I told him I'm seeing someone else and our 'arrangement' is now over. He's asked if I will still see him now and again on a mates only arrangement.

I'm a bit actually. My living room can only possibly work one way around so I can't change it though its been the same for 9 years!

As for autumn/winter clothes, hmmm. What's in this year? Am I going to have to give up my beloved leggings+tunic/dress combo? I don't want to, it's too comfy! I can never work out whether my work sitch it a benefit or not - I work from home but clients come here so I need clothes which are ok for being at home in but also presentable I guess its cheaper than having a work 'wardrobe' though!

I love Caitlin Moran but I was too poorly to buy the paper yesterday...

I know I should, at least then I would be clear about what his position is. I just don't know how on earth to phrase it! A text message would be inappropriate wouldn't it....