The Dating Thread - episode 61

[lurkinglorna]

BOOM!

their

Django - if you see things as a red flag, it's probably not a good idea to ignore it. Being good looking isn't one, I think, it's more down to behaviour. You can't really tell much from a photo apart from 'phwoar'

I might not have contacted either Mermaid or Derby based on photo alone, depending on the quality of photo. I think it would be difficult to take a bad photo of CheshireCat - yet here I am ignoring the advances of one, and trying to work out if I should take it further with Derby and at what point I should drop her in favour of Mermaid.

It is sometimes amusing having discovered my inner Fonz. I was at a bar earlier this evening, having a quick drink and watching some youtube videos on my phone courtesy of their free wifi before heading home, and a group of mid-20 somethings sat down two tables away outside the bar. There was a very attractive girl in her early twenties and she kept staring at me, and I was inwardly judging - could I? Would it be morally wrong to go over there and chat her up given that we have probably nothing in common? And her boyfriend would be upset? And I know I could at least get a number based on the looks I'm getting. Then her friend sat down, they talked and looked at me, and the girl was throwing big smiles in my direction - at which point I had to go partially because my food was ready and partially because I really don't want to get my life too complex.

It is strange to be in this situation given that this time last year I was nervous and somewhat shy and wouldn't notice someone interested in me if they stamped on my foot.

I'm not sure what point I'm trying to make, except that there are several people on this thread at the moment who are really quite attractive (as I've seen their profiles) who are having self-doubt moments. And the thing is, seriously, just be confident and look around - if you look up instead of down at the ground you'll be amazed at how different the world looks. Just don't look down your nose.

Confidence is incredibly attractive, arrogance is a turn off. I like knowing I'm okay and actually quite a catch, but I don't think I'm "better" than other people - I just know that I'm good. That shows.

You don't have to worry about whether you're going to be interesting. You are. Fullstop. If the person you're talking to doesn't find it so, well they're a dick and you're better off without them .

I may be a little bit drunk. forgive me.

I think I've been far too looks driven in the recent past. A lesson Mr Drama Queen taught me oh so well. We were one of those couples where he was definitely the better looking one and I found it really tough- particularly as he was always reminding me of this fact and telling me how badly I was aging etc .

I'd rather a nice twinkle any day.

Met a friend today from up North who has had the most awful, awful time in recent years. She went on match.com and the third person she met, she is now about to move in with. I met him and he was delightful.. a real twinkler. So there are successes!

You talk sense Bant. Ex destroyed my confidence in my looks- but I do feel interesting and a 'catch' in that sense if not any other. You're right. Confidence and in my opinion, humour and kindness are far more important than looks.

The problem is that especially for women, we are bombarded with images of feminine youth and perfection and you have to sort of fight that all the time to feel good about yourself. Some people seem to have effortless confidence, I do envy that.

The local guy has gone offline now and not asked to meet up, so no decision needed from me.

I think my last one thought he was above me looks wise and could do better hence messing me around for years. Lesson learnt there.

How did it go Pom?

Scrazy I really think you just can't tell from the photos. At least three quarters of men bear scant resemblance to their pictures and I've been surprised at the number who actually look a load better, and then there are the ones who don't necessarily look better but have something about them.

Django if it's a lovely mad passionate short-lived fling, do the red flags really matter?

T hope everything's going okay

Juliette and Bant, thanks :0) I have removed my card details so that if they do try to take payment it won't work. I'm just getting so fed up with POF now. Same type of guy every time. I get enough messages its just that they're all complete none starters to the extent I rarely even reply. The ones that i do date, i either end up not liking in the end because theres just no spark, or if i do continue to date they seem to be only after sex in the end :0( I have to remind myself that I'm probably not as big a catch as many girls due to the fact I'm a mum, so maybe I'm too picky I don't know.
Thought a pay site may offer a better clientele but if its not the case I won't bother. Tried OKcupid a while ago but it doesn't seem to be very popular in my area

being good looking is not a red flag. putting someone down is a red flag, a loving partner should appreciate you as you are or they don't deserve you at all.

In defense of good looking men I've found them to be far less looks conscious, if they're genuinely confident they're often less likely to want a trophy gf, they know they can pull, know looks dont mean everything. It's not the good looks that makes an arsehole, it's being an arsehole.

OWW thanks lovely, just rather disheartened by it all at the moment. Ill snap out of it I'm sure.

hostess - I agree - humour and kindness are more important in the long run, but the ability to just look around, go up and talk to someone and know that you're making their evening better by doing so, is a huge benefit.

I don't have a six pack stomach anymore. I would like one but to be honest can't be arsed. I'm not as chiseled as the male models we see on tv. But I know I could probably beat them in a pub quiz, or tell a funnier joke, or know more about quantum mechanics, the works of chaucer, or the LBW rule than them. And I know I'm generally a nice person, in that I love my family and my friends and will try and help people out if they need it. So I think I'm an okay person, I'm happy with who I am and that comes across when interacting with other people.

What disturbs me a lot since I moved over to hungaria is that it seems, given my limited research, that a lot of the women who want to meet a west-european guy, also want to be dominated in some way. There is a look, which it's easy to pick up on, of vulnerability which I find quite unattractive personally. Other men prey on it.

I don't know if it's the type of woman I get talking to, or a general thing, or a new ability to perceive it.

Either way, it's odd.

T2710 what a shame if being a mum makes one 'less of a catch'.. another thing my abusive ex used to say was how lucky I was to have him because no one else would want me 'in my situation' (eg separated with 2 kids...) :-0

A decent person will bond with the individual. And you're right Juliette- wrong to stereotype all lookers as arseholes. Think my ex was an arsehold and for him being good looking just made him more of a narcissist and able to exploit people etc. But he had to be a wanker first. LOL

arsehole not arsehold! But an arsehold sounds quite amusing :)

So pics on site, I have put a few up, one which I think is the best one as main one but also ones where I think I look awful so that when we meet, the guy is pleasantly surprised not thinking I l

Bant I saw exactly the same in Asia when I travelled there. This weird desperation in some women and younger men, to be picked up by a European or American. It went beyond the desire for money or whatever. It was a status thing for them.

I have heard from other men that the attitude of East European women disturbed them- while others seemed to see the entire area as a sort of big knocking shop... urgh.

Not thinking I look worse in RL.
Am I making a mistake? Should I only show flattering ones?
Do you have other people in your pics? Friends? DC?

Good post Juliette, I agree that all lookers won't be the same just the ones I've met. The last one was a narc and did exploit people via his looks which won't last forever as he is getting older.

Flojo I wondered about the flattering photo thing. However was told by one guy that I looked a lot better in person and that was thinking I had put my best ever most flattering photo up :/

I reckon a selection of different and mainly natural looking ones will show you off best. Definitely no DCs. I wouldn't put friends in either but heard that in fact 'socialising' pics are more popular? Dunno.

Yes scrazy I think my ex was a narc/borderline (from what I read online :D) and with them, good looks are indeed a means to manipulate/exploit. But as I said I have been burned and probably thus not objective.

hostess that man did a right number on you. Do not let ANYTHING he said, did or thought define you. no man should even hint that you are anything less than lovely.

So he was the better looking one? I really doubt that.

Hi Flojo - I'd say that photos with you socialising but cropped so you're not part of a big group are good.

Main photo should be of you on your own, smiling, but NOT a studio shot (that always puts me off) - I've met women who are better than their photos, although generally it's the opposite. 3 photos is fine, no more than 6. None of you riding a horse (unless your face is visible and good), posing in front of the Pyramids or holding your DC.

Children in photos gives a subliminal impression that 'my children are so important to me that you won't just be dating me, you'll be considered as a potential stepfather' even if that's not the case. Just crop them out if there happens to be a good picture of you, they won't complain, or ignore the photo completely.

Also no fake moustaches. It's a cliche. And none of you and your mum. That is surprisingly prevalent, I've found, although maybe that's just here.

T if you're looking at paid sites, have you tried Match? I am a big fan since I found Alpha on there.

The being a mum thing - I've said before that I probably look crap on paper from a dating point of view as I have my two full time. In fact, some people have been kind enough to point this out. But to the right person, it won't matter.

Doing OD has actually helped me a lot with my self-confidence. Titto had done a real number on me, I didn't think I had anything going for me either looks or personality wise. And I'm very shy too which doesn't help, although I can hide it well. But finding that I could go and chat and spend a nice evening with someone, and that often they would want to see me again, and that I could still do sex and make people laugh and actually have fun, it's been great. Really good for me. Having some self-confidence and being happy and content in yourself can make almost anyone attractive, and conversely a permanently miserable or angry or arrogant or self-pitying etc etc attitude does exactly the opposite.

Flojo I wouldn't put up any photos with other people in. A couple of head-shots and a full-length one (though I never bothered with that) will do fine. If you'd like people to have a look at your profile we're happy to help on here.

european update

well we exchanged couple of messages, he's away again this week . i didn't want a formal date with him taking me out, angled for a "seduction meet", but ended up (my call) going for late night coffee. "open mind" really, maybe he'd stopped being a psychopath and we'd fall in love, maybe i'd get some cock, who knew?

hmmmm...it was pretty bad overall? i get the vibe he's not very good when he's "not in control of things", i suggested my favourite place, picked up the bill, and he was down on it all

(to be fair he did sort of ask about sorting things out, "try to talk" so respect to him in that way)

wasn't great though we were both a bit tense, no kiss afterwards.

so i thought "well, better close that then" texted saturday morning with standard "its difficult practically to see each other blah blah blah".

got TWO texts back.

one saying (my words not exact quote)

"you always seem to have moodswings and changing your mind"

ok, its a fair cop guv, maybe i shouldn't be "leading the guy on". but that's the dating process. also his moodswings are worse than mine. meh.

other saying...he's seen me kissing some guy (Dr pashing, told you it was close locations ) so he thinks that's what this is about

well he said he saw us last wednesday, so he didn't see the tuesday fingering. bit infra dig to bring it up though i think!

i don't know what to do about this, hmmmm. not too stressed really, he's away so no immediate decision needed. might just leave it. enjoying composing sarcastic funny reply texts in my head.

more importantly. gonna have some couscous and sardines soon, yummy! shop ran out of my favourite cake though

hostess, I'm liking arsehold

Flo your profile page is your advert, show yourself off.

other men update

first meet on the cards early next week, looks like a bit of a dick so might cancel but who knows, i might get some?

from the "good first meets" last weekend, one guy has texted to say he is busy with work but will be in touch, other guy messaged to say "when are we meeting again?". think i might leave him, as he was attractive but seemed to require the woman to do quite a lot of the organising, which i don't have time for right now.

dr pashing and i are hopefully meeting early next week, he's away this weekend. he has promised "i'll find a skip with a mattress in it". i hope it is not outside the europeans flat.

Yes a friend today said so have you got the usual social photos and family orientated photos and I was puzzled. All mine are just me.

So the reason I am useless at dating is I'm paranoid. Every time I don't get a text etc I think they must be married etc.
Mr talks-about-himself just rang to see if I'm free Tuesday aft or Friday eve for a date. I suggested Tuesday morning and he said it'll have to be late morning cos he doesn't go to bed til late. I said to be honest I'm not paying for a babysitter on Friday eve so that he can have a lie in on Tuesday morning. It ended with him saying leave it with him and he'll let me know tomorrow why not let me know now? What is there to think about? Sleep Vs date, unless he has a wife he's usually around in the morning and she works afternoons ?