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Original poster

Why does my 26 year old daughter hate me so much.

335 replies

cazakstan · 08/08/2013 20:58

I have 2 daughters of 22 and 26. My eldest left home at 16 after an argument and for the past almost 11 years has visited and stayed occasionally. She's just finishing a masters degree and has nowhere else to live and so has been staying at home with myself, my partner and my younger daughter. I must admit my relationship is not fantastic...it's always hard with her...it's like she has always had a bee in her bonnet with me. It's easier with my youngest daughter...what you see is what you get and we have a great relationship...but...my eldest...god...for the past 11 years it's been like walking on egg shells...she criticises almost everything I do or buy for her. She,s well travelled, educated, has a steady boyfriend. It has been getting harder each visit. Yesterday she would not stop criticising my younger daughter...my mother was here visiting...my youngest ended up in tears and left...even after that my eldest did not let up.. even after I asked her several times and then told her to shut the fuck up. My mother said she thought WW3 was about to erupt...she offered to take my eldest home with her...I said that was a good idea...give the situation a couple of days to cool off. It ended up with my eldest saying that she would be homeless, not be able to finish her masters and that she would never see me again. My mother left with my eldest. I had little sleep last night. I messaged her this morning saying that I did not throw her out, that she needed to get on with her life and not be making comments on my daughters life or mine, also that she needed to lighten up. That I was her mother and that she would always be welcome home, that she needed us as a family. 10 minutes later she replied...we were not a family, we do not behave like a proper family, that she has got on with her life without a family and continue to do so. OMG. My mother phoned me early evening to say that my daughter needed her books and clothes...I said that since my daughter was being so nasty to me that it was maybe best that my partner drop her stuff off thus avoiding a confrontation between her and I. My mother passed the phone to my daughter who immediately called me two faced then said why can't I talk to her like an adult. I hung up. I hung up to avoid any arguments. So that's where I am...I love her but don't like her. I don't like her animosity towards me and I cannot bear to argue with her. I want her to be happy and to get over whatever it is that makes her hate me.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 09/08/2013 11:51

I didn't read it like that at all, swallowedafly. Her daughter ran off, leaving her with no choice.

My daughter has a friend whose mum was like that. She was very popular with all their friends because they could do whatever they wanted there - boyfriends stay over, they smoke weed, drink etc.

It was horrendous to see the pull this woman had. There's no way that was accidental.

wannabedomesticgoddess · 09/08/2013 11:52

Caster

The DD made the choice to leave home. Even if she then continued to remain away from the home, she was 16. Her choices were a cry for help. No 16 year old WANTS to be imposing on a friends mums kindneds. They would prefer their own mother to be there for them.

Its not enough to say that the daughter was entitled to a choice. She was also entitled to unconditional love and support from her mother.

soundevenfruity · 09/08/2013 11:58

By the sound of it both you, OP, and your DD1 come from disfunctional families and blaming each other is not going to fix anything, least of all your inability to communicate and to set boundaries. You can't change her - she emulates you and your behaviour. I would have a long and hard look at yourself (not only faults but everything good that you have in you) and start taking care of yourself, be realistic and yet gentle. That would teach your daughter more than anything you can tell her.

Caster8 · 09/08/2013 12:20

"Her choices were a cry for help".Not necessarily wannabe. The DD had had enough.
She chose to go away, the op didnt make her. It was a surprise to the op.

The DD made a somewhat adult choice. Fair enough. At that point I would have been surprised if the DD wanted anything to do with her mother. Sometimes space and time for a different perspective are what is needed.

wannabedomesticgoddess · 09/08/2013 12:31

Perhaps not in every case, but in this one it certainly feels like it was. The DD is now 26 and is desperately seeking validation from her mother (by criticising her sister she is begging her mother to take her side for once) but is being met with hostility. She needs praise for her achievements but instead is made to feel like she should attribute them to her mother.

While the OP knew the location of her child (at 16 and even now) she always had the opportunity to deal with this. Instead she detached, in the name of self preservation.

Caster8 · 09/08/2013 14:07

This all assumes that the DD is not a total PITA. Which of course, she could be.

TVTonight · 09/08/2013 14:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Treaguez · 09/08/2013 14:34

I'm really confused as to why this daughter has ended up living with her mother after ten years, presumably more, of this sort of thing. I'd like to know what was promised to get her back "home".

mynewpassion · 09/08/2013 15:11

I dont think anything was promised but just her dd's financial circumstances. Doing a degree, probably lost some funding and low paying job not allowing for a flat or a bedsit. I am sure the dd did not want to live with her mother again but thought they could rub along until she finished her degree and founded a job.

I think there was fault in both sides but maybe more from the op as she was the mother and adult. I just don't think it kicked off at 16. It must have been building for at least a couple of years.

Maybe dd want to resolve some of these issues to set her future right but old feelings slights and hurts are getting in the way. Its the same old dysfunctional pattern for the last 11 years.

Littleen · 09/08/2013 15:18

Just have to say that I am feeling really happy that so many of you (except Caster8 and OP) have the sense to see this for what it most likely is, and that you would fight if your child ran away from home. This whole thing reminds me of my own mother, and it is wonderful to see that it is not how the majority of mums would behave.

Andro · 09/08/2013 15:29

we were not a family, we do not behave like a proper family, that she has got on with her life without a family and continue to do so.

That's more than teenage based rebellion about smoking etc! Somewhere along the line I would suggest that your DD1 has been made to feel isolated/less loved than her sister. A 4 year age gap is tough, it's easy for the older one to feel pushed aside...it's even easier for a parent to inadvertently place too much responsibility and behavioural expectation on the older child. If/when that happens the situation can become a breeding ground for insecurity, negative attention seeking and/or pushing the boundaries of acceptance and love can be the result. Looking back OP (before the original blow up at 16), are there any situations you can think of where something like this might have happened?

Good luck finding the root cause, my own relationship with my mother is icy at best (would be nc but I love my father too much to cut him out and most of my family is fantastic) I wish it could be different but it won't change now - it would have meant the world to me if my mother had tried to sort out the root cause of our problems (instead it took 10 years to reach mostly polite).

Caster8 · 09/08/2013 15:31

So how should the op try and resolve it?

I have offered my suggestions and strategies. Does anyone else have any other ideas?

wannabedomesticgoddess · 09/08/2013 15:37

Listen. Go to wherever her daughter is and listen.

Take on board her childs feelings without being defensive. Admit that there are things she should have done better.

All that is easier said than done, but no one said parenting was easy. Time for the OP to put her eldest first.

Caster8 · 09/08/2013 15:44

Time for the op to come back on this thread if you ask me! [I suspect that the op has listened till she is blue in the face]
Dont know if she will though.
And dont know if she will want to either, as a lot of posters think her DD is innocent.

I think the op may have been frightened off, which is terribly sad for the daughter.

newlifeforme · 09/08/2013 15:55

I think your daughter is trying to establish a connection with you but both sides are defensive.

Your daughter said you were two faced but asked why you and her can't talk like adults.If you ignore the comment I believe she was seeking to establish a better relationship and asking for a mature communication.I don't think putting down the phone was constructive, you may have avoided an argument but it has put further distance between you.

I recommend reading 'non violent communication', which encourages compassionate communication.When your daughter says "you're two faced" it would be positive to ask her why she feels that way.I believe there is longstanding hurt that has to be discussed, most people are just seeking acceptance and validation.If you can listen to her without blame then you may be able to build the relationship.

If your daughter has managed mostly to live alone from the age of 16 then she has done incredibly well.

I do think as the parent you have the responsible to try harder and she will learn from you.Be honest with yourself, take responsibility & apologise where you need to and focus on what you can do to make the relationship better.Over time she will trust and slowly the relationship can be fixed.Don't wait for her to change, start doing what you can.Listen to her, don't blame her and validate her feelings.If she has grudges about her upbringing let her tell you, its important not to justify.

Caster8 · 09/08/2013 15:59

Have you a link for that book newlifeforme? I have never heard of it.

LEMisdisappointed · 09/08/2013 16:11

But the eldest isn't a child is she? My DD1 was 7 by the time i was the OPs DDs age

wannabedomesticgoddess · 09/08/2013 16:14

So being someones child is age dependant now?

LEMisdisappointed · 09/08/2013 16:28

absolutely not, it does however change how you respond to things and at 26 you don't have to have quite so many allowances made for you. The same would apply for the 22 year old.

I haven't read all the trhead so it may have moved on but as far as i can see, the DD1 has one pretty well, degree and masters so the OP certainly must have done something right. As much as we would like it, in the real world siblings wont always get along like a house on fire, they may well bicker and argue and irritate the hell out of each other.

LEMisdisappointed · 09/08/2013 16:30

I have two DDs, one is 23 and the other is 8, the 23 year old is very jealous of the 8 year old which is a source of great sadness for me and the 23yo doesn't live at home. It is good that she doesn't live at home now, i would strangle her - well, actually i wouldn't because she is bigger and stronger than i am and im sure would feel like strangline me too. It doesn't mean i don't love her and she doesn't love me, what it comes down to is that we are pracitcally clones of each other in temprement, which is, pretty strung up and stressy. The thought of her coming to live at home fills me with horror.

wannabedomesticgoddess · 09/08/2013 16:38

The DD put herself through a degree. How on earth is that credit to the OP when her daughter left home at 16?

Such a toxic way of thinking. This thread is just so sad.

LEMisdisappointed · 09/08/2013 16:44

well, she would have left home at 18 if she went to uni anyway - and having done a degree myself and taught undergraduates, most people put themselves through the degree and don't actually have their parents do it for them! How the fuck is that toxic??? The girl did good, its a massive PERSONAL acheivement that she did herself, just like whe i did my degree, the acheivement was mine. I however would not have been equipped to make that achievement if i did not have a good upbringing, i am grateful to my parents for that - even though i did my degree as a mature student.

LEMisdisappointed · 09/08/2013 16:46

from what i have read here, there is wrong on both sides, they both need to reflect. My DD left home (sort of) when she was 16 having moved to my mums to give the pair of us some breathing space (16 year olds can actually be vile) and she then moved in wiht her boyfriend, who she still lives with 6 years later, happily, in a good job and im proud of her.

LEMisdisappointed · 09/08/2013 16:47

The difference now is when she is being a grumpy arse cow, i can say, you know what, i'm off - laters, and much the same for her. I actually think two grown up women living together in the same house would be murder - id rather stick a fork in my eye than live with my mother again.

poppingin1 · 09/08/2013 17:12

"I'm afraid, op, that your story seems self piteous and blaming. You don't seem to be wanting to get under her skin for resolution, more for ammunition to blame her for the failings in your relationship. I am sorry if I have misjudged you but I was shocked by your op."

I agree with this, sorry OP. Parenting is hard, but I don't think there is a clear picture here.