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Original poster

Why does my 26 year old daughter hate me so much.

335 replies

cazakstan · 08/08/2013 20:58

I have 2 daughters of 22 and 26. My eldest left home at 16 after an argument and for the past almost 11 years has visited and stayed occasionally. She's just finishing a masters degree and has nowhere else to live and so has been staying at home with myself, my partner and my younger daughter. I must admit my relationship is not fantastic...it's always hard with her...it's like she has always had a bee in her bonnet with me. It's easier with my youngest daughter...what you see is what you get and we have a great relationship...but...my eldest...god...for the past 11 years it's been like walking on egg shells...she criticises almost everything I do or buy for her. She,s well travelled, educated, has a steady boyfriend. It has been getting harder each visit. Yesterday she would not stop criticising my younger daughter...my mother was here visiting...my youngest ended up in tears and left...even after that my eldest did not let up.. even after I asked her several times and then told her to shut the fuck up. My mother said she thought WW3 was about to erupt...she offered to take my eldest home with her...I said that was a good idea...give the situation a couple of days to cool off. It ended up with my eldest saying that she would be homeless, not be able to finish her masters and that she would never see me again. My mother left with my eldest. I had little sleep last night. I messaged her this morning saying that I did not throw her out, that she needed to get on with her life and not be making comments on my daughters life or mine, also that she needed to lighten up. That I was her mother and that she would always be welcome home, that she needed us as a family. 10 minutes later she replied...we were not a family, we do not behave like a proper family, that she has got on with her life without a family and continue to do so. OMG. My mother phoned me early evening to say that my daughter needed her books and clothes...I said that since my daughter was being so nasty to me that it was maybe best that my partner drop her stuff off thus avoiding a confrontation between her and I. My mother passed the phone to my daughter who immediately called me two faced then said why can't I talk to her like an adult. I hung up. I hung up to avoid any arguments. So that's where I am...I love her but don't like her. I don't like her animosity towards me and I cannot bear to argue with her. I want her to be happy and to get over whatever it is that makes her hate me.

OP posts:
Partridge · 09/08/2013 18:24

From what you have told us about your own family LEM it is absolutely no surprise that you are taking that stance...

diddl · 09/08/2013 18:42

Sounds like a horrible situation.

She does sound jealous of her younger sister.

OP-why have you let her come to live with you after all this time?

She was never just going to slot back in!

LEMisdisappointed · 09/08/2013 18:48

Excuse me partridge but wtf??? Ive hardly spoken about my family on here. I have said that there is wrong on both sides and that the op should try not to take it too much to heart if there isnt akways harmony.

JustinBsMum · 09/08/2013 19:07

DCs can be horrible to their DPs but there can also be background which causes this - OP seems to be in denial about any possibility of this, it's all down to nasty DD.

Somehow, though, DGM has a good relationships with the DD, lots of unexplained issues here imo.

Partridge · 09/08/2013 20:17

Oh I dunno - talk of her living at home filling you with horror maybe. Leaving home at 16. All sounds pretty similar to the op...

MumnGran · 09/08/2013 21:32

I am the first person to agree that 16 year olds can be ....difficult. And that mother and daughter relationships can be tense at times, particularly when the personalities are very similar. What is interesting, though, is that the recent posters who would find it difficult to share a home with their now adult daughters, or whose daughters also left home at 16, are also saying (directly or by inference) that they love their daughters, that they kept the door open, understood the childs frustrations to some degree or another, and now have adult relationships with them.
There is zero indication of this reciprocity in the OP. I cannot get past the OP stating that she dislikes her daughter (not the daughters behaviour or actions but actually dislikes her daughter) and at no point talks about her daughters feelings - only her own. I hear no concern, no self questioning, no acknowledgement of a difficult relationship ....only criticism.

Caster - the daughter may well have been/be a PITA. Show me a teenager who didn't go through that stage to one degree or another. Mine certainly did. As the parent, unconditional love means loving them anyway. The door stays open.
In terms of strategies ...I have posted exactly what I think OP should do. Twice.

MumnGran · 09/08/2013 21:33

Caster .... my apology! last para, on re-reading, sounds distinctly terse. Unintended consequence of a terse sort of a day, and not meant to sound as it does.

burberryqueen · 09/08/2013 22:10

I messaged her this morning saying that I did not throw her out, that she needed to get on with her life and not be making comments on my daughters life or mine, also that she needed to lighten up. That I was her mother
more discourse analysis - why do you say 'my daughter' and not 'her sister'?
do they have different dads?

Caster8 · 09/08/2013 22:32

It sounded ok to me Mumn. Thanks anyway.Smile

alcibiades · 09/08/2013 22:56

I'm wondering whether the OP's mother has something to do with this situation. The discourse analysis by burberryqueen has added to that feeling.

From the OP's posts, I'm wondering whether the DD in question hasn't been clear on which person her "mother" actually is, and maybe the OP hasn't been clear in her mind about that either. I'm thinking about parental alienation syndrome, though I don't know that much about it.

Platinumstart · 10/08/2013 07:51

Very sad thread.

I know without a doubt that if my DD walked out after a row I would do everything I possibly could to let her know that I loved and cared for her. Even if my visits were ignored, calls rejected and letters unopened.

The fact that you gave up on a 16 year old speaks volumes Sad

swallowedAfly · 10/08/2013 08:10

as far as i'm aware 'parental alienation syndrome' is something made up by lawyers to blame mothers for the fact that the children don't want to see the father. it is very dubious and i've only ever seen it used in that context - re: spiteful woman has turned her children against their father accusation and let's make it sound real by medicalising it and calling it a syndrome.

yes 'my daughter' is interesting. i can't see the leap to GM being involved in that myself, too much of a leap. what i do see is how it totally denies the eldest her position in the family - it's not her sister but her mother's daughter. it also stinks of triangulation and we're back to the whole narcism thing. golden child, scapegoat, triangulation, puppet master etc.

swallowedAfly · 10/08/2013 08:12

and the total inability to reflect on one's own faults obviously. and the disliking her rather than the behaviour and the ability to just let her go and not see her for 4 months as punishment for having the audacity to criticise and compare her unfavourably to another mother.

Caster8 · 10/08/2013 08:31

Platinumstart. But that is harrassment in my book. Illegal I would have thought, apart from causing much added distress to the daughter.

Caster8 · 10/08/2013 08:38

Look. There are at least 10 posters on here who are estranged from their , presumably mainly mothers.
It is a very sad situation. And I can hear in the posts, how very much they want their mums to contact them, speak to then, care about them, and yes, maybe bombard them.

But I dont think this particular daughter is in this quite so dire situation. She has gone back home on occasions. The mum has said her house is open, and seems to mean it to me.
And hopefully, from what little the op has posted, is open to listen to the daughter.
And hopefully communicate in different methods to before. As the current methods of communication are not working.

The op in this situation genuinely wants the relationship to work.

swallowedAfly · 10/08/2013 08:39

who are those ten posters then? i'm not estranged from my mother. still have contact and she has an involved relationship with my son. you may be assuming things.

swallowedAfly · 10/08/2013 08:42

do you think that if the mother was open to communication and facing both sides of a story she might have carried on posting on this thread? do you think if she genuinely wanted it to work she'd have engaged with this thread and used it as a way of seeing how her dd might feel/think and discuss that even if she disagreed?

i think she has a it's hard, it's challenging me, i'm off pattern that is being mirrored by her disappearance from this thread the minute anything less than total agreement was posted.

Chubfuddler · 10/08/2013 08:44

You are in danger of stumbling into repeating the pattern of your relationship with your mother, one which as the daughter clearly hurt you a lot. Don't do it.

I can't conceive of how you could go no contact with a 16 year old. Different circumstances but when I was 12 my parents marriage broke up, my father left without warning and didn't contact us for three months. I was devastated. And I actually mean devastated. Every night I woke up screaming from nightmares. I couldn't eat, or shovelled comfort food down my throat. I was a mess. By the time he could be arsed I didn't want to know. I haven't seen him for twenty years.

Reach out to her. Be her mother.

ricecakesrule · 10/08/2013 08:44

I had a massive falling out with my parents at 16 over a boyfriend situation, would have left if I had anywhere to go probably! I felt abandoned, let down, unloved etc etc as we effectively lived under the same roof with minimal interaction until I went to uni. I got some counseling at uni about all kinds of stuff, and every issue reverted back to my relationship with my mum. The best thing my counsellor did was to validate my feelings - if I was feeling abandoned, then the reality of the situation wasn't as important as how I felt about it.

Guess what I'm saying is that even if the dd is unreasonable in feeling that the family isn't working, or that her younger sister is treated more favourably, those are still her feelings and they need to be addressed. While op feels that she is just defending herself, it may come across to the dd that her mother is refusing to acknowledge how the dd feels, "gas lighting" her in mn speak? Not sure of terminology.

The dd will work through this in her own time I'm sure, but if op wants to make the first move, I think the discussion needs to be "I feel that..." rather than "you did...." (from both sides). In fact, from op, I think it needs to be "how do/did you feel about..."

Caster8 · 10/08/2013 08:52

Can I just say one thing.
Fot the daughter's sake, if not for the mum, can we make the attacks on the mum gentle?
Because we all want the op to come back on here, dont we?

At this point, we dont know if the op is going to come back on here, or not.

Chubfuddler · 10/08/2013 09:09

Who is attacking her?

She may not like what she's reading but no one is attacking her.

swallowedAfly · 10/08/2013 09:11

you use such emotive language caster. agree with chub.

Caster8 · 10/08/2013 09:15

I only have to go back to you both most recent threads to see personal attacks on the mum.
Dont want to repeat the phrases. But will if you cant see them.

Chubfuddler · 10/08/2013 09:20

Mine? My first post involved a personal attack? Quote it please.

80sMum · 10/08/2013 09:21

A very sad situation. I sense that OP you may have actually felt some relief deep down when DD1 left home at 16. DD had no doubt been pretty hard to handle and difficult to live with. You may at the time have been grateful for some respite? . But the tragedy here is you didn't realise that perhaps your daughter was testing a hypothesis that 'mum doesn't want me' and waiting (hoping) to be proved wrong and have mum come after her and ask her to come home.
Your DD has carried that feeling of rejection into adulthood and it will be hard now to get rid of it. It unfortunately colours every meeting and every conversation you have.
I think that professional counselling for the whole family would be a step in the right direction towards healing what must be a very painful situation for all of you. Both you and your DD are suffering and both of you are feeling rejection from the other. Take the first step to making things better.