Why does my 26 year old daughter hate me so much.

[cazakstan]

I have 2 daughters of 22 and 26. My eldest left home at 16 after an argument and for the past almost 11 years has visited and stayed occasionally. She's just finishing a masters degree and has nowhere else to live and so has been staying at home with myself, my partner and my younger daughter. I must admit my relationship is not fantastic...it's always hard with her...it's like she has always had a bee in her bonnet with me. It's easier with my youngest daughter...what you see is what you get and we have a great relationship...but...my eldest...god...for the past 11 years it's been like walking on egg shells...she criticises almost everything I do or buy for her. She,s well travelled, educated, has a steady boyfriend. It has been getting harder each visit. Yesterday she would not stop criticising my younger daughter...my mother was here visiting...my youngest ended up in tears and left...even after that my eldest did not let up.. even after I asked her several times and then told her to shut the fuck up. My mother said she thought WW3 was about to erupt...she offered to take my eldest home with her...I said that was a good idea...give the situation a couple of days to cool off. It ended up with my eldest saying that she would be homeless, not be able to finish her masters and that she would never see me again. My mother left with my eldest. I had little sleep last night. I messaged her this morning saying that I did not throw her out, that she needed to get on with her life and not be making comments on my daughters life or mine, also that she needed to lighten up. That I was her mother and that she would always be welcome home, that she needed us as a family. 10 minutes later she replied...we were not a family, we do not behave like a proper family, that she has got on with her life without a family and continue to do so. OMG. My mother phoned me early evening to say that my daughter needed her books and clothes...I said that since my daughter was being so nasty to me that it was maybe best that my partner drop her stuff off thus avoiding a confrontation between her and I. My mother passed the phone to my daughter who immediately called me two faced then said why can't I talk to her like an adult. I hung up. I hung up to avoid any arguments. So that's where I am...I love her but don't like her. I don't like her animosity towards me and I cannot bear to argue with her. I want her to be happy and to get over whatever it is that makes her hate me.

My daughter is the same age. I guess we are different in that I would not finance her if she decided to go globetrotting and I've told her if she wants to do a master's, she pays for it. She got a lot of financial support during her first degree, but I think there comes a time when it should stop. That's my personal view; others may disagree.

Just out of interest, why does she think you are a bad parent?

Totally and utterly flummoxed by this thread :(

Anyone who has admitted that actually, in real life, mother and daughter relationships can be difficult is daubed a bad mother.

This is not mnetters finest hour

I must have missed those posts. I tend to ignore things if people are getting arsey.

My relationship with my daughter has been challenging at times. It has taken many years for her to realise I'm not going to bail her out all the time, financially. In fact I'm not entirely sure the message has got through yet. Time will tell.

I'm a reasonably good mother - considering the lack of decent parenting I had and my mental health issues. Reasonably good will do.

Caster . Love. You stand there with your white gloves on directing the traffic, as though what you have to say is of the utmost importance. I'm sure posters can make up their own minds.

I hope to God you don't experience what I have Caster , I really do. In the very best sense, you are ignorant in what you have to say on this. You don't know what you are talking about. Please take that in the spirit it is intended re you don't have the facts.

I am very disturbed at what has been a shockingly malevolent theme to this thread: a real hatred for this mother, a hounding and persecution.

why do you ask for a time where you can sit down with her and talk to her and really listen

ask her why she dislikes you so much, im sure it will be hard to listen to, but surely if you really want to change things, you need to do this

a lot can be forgive with a true heartfelt sorry

I don't think you can truly move on until this happens

as any improvements will only be paper thin, with deep cracks underneath, unless you really fix things properly

try and really isten to her op

best of luck as it sounds really horrible for you too

If what I do helps to keep this thread going, so that the mum can end up with a better relationship with her daughter, then I will do it. I would not give up on a relationship with my daughters, and I wouldnt really expect any parents to ever do that with their daughter.

To label them as abusive, to enable you to justify wiping your daughter away is not on.
You have also written on another thread yesterday, that you do not get on with your mum, you barely get on with your dad, and that your siblings are vile.

I find it an odd relationship, the one OP has with her elder daughter. Leaving aside the thing when she was 16 (and surely it takes more than one spat for a teenager to permanently leave home, which, if I understand correctly, is what happened), the OP states she does not like her daughter but has apparently given her thousands and thousands of pounds for travelling and studying. I just find this confusing. Yes, travelling the world is nice, but surely a happy homelife is much more important.

I have a difficult relationship with my Mother, I think sometimes that friction between you can be caused because of similarities in your personalities. You see things you dislike in the other that you can't admit you have too.

I have to say though OP that this 'even after I asked her several times and then told her to shut the fuck up' is no way to talk to anyone, let alone your daughter. It may give you a clue as to why you have issues with her? Do you usually talk to her like that, because if my Mum ever talked to me like that I'd walk, and she wouldn't see me for dust.

I think a great deal of emphasis has been placed on the op saying she "loves but doesn't like" her daughter. Too much IMO. The op wrote that once when she was very upset after the whole incident occurred. I highly doubt she meant that she actively dislikes her daughter - it is a phrase that people use and yes maybe she should have specified "daughters behaviour" but when upset and getting your feelings out you aren't analysing every aspect of what you are writing and thinking about how it will be interpreted.

The op obviously does love her daughter and wants her to be part of her life. I think we need to listen to what she is saying now and stop beating her up based on a post made days ago when she was in a highly emotional state. Just my take on it.

Miss - I think the OP, and some posters, moved on from the first post a couple of days ago. In a very positive way.
This has descended into an argument that no longer has much to do with the OP - who doesn't actually want to cut her daughter out of her life, and has suggested that some people on her thread need to take a chill pill.

I think the initial challenges were justified, and did help the OP to review the issues (I am sure she is quite capable of deciding whether this thread helped, or not). Continuing to debate the emotional first post, when it is no longer the OPs stance, is a bit of a hijack into posters personal issues IMO. Or input from people who haven't read through.

Skim read most of this - without going into details - I was the 'difficult' daughter ...
What sorted out my relationship with my mother (as an adult - as your DD is) was I realised that my mother was human, she messed up, she isn't perfect -far from it. She has 'excuses' but she also is who she is.
And I'm also far from perfect. I am who I am.
Sometimes we still clash ...but in general we get on better now.
Behaviour that we would let slid in other relationships we find hard to deal with because we are mother/daughter. And to make this worse we have much higher expectations of each other and feel more hurt when these aren't reached.

Mother/daughter relationships aren't as portrayed in the movies etc...

I think a candid verbal discussion with you daughter - another adult now and make that clear - when things have calmed down a bit might help
Admit you are not perfect and ask her where she feels you have gone wrong?
Defend yourself if you think it necessary - and apologise where appropriate - but don't get into 'I'm sorry ...but you' (and try and keep DD2 out of the discussion - this is between DD1 and you)

Now I have 2 DCs - DD1(12) and I clash regularly - we actually have very similar personalities. DD2 (6) very different .
Very hard for DD1 - naturally stubborn, very lively, not an easy child - I really don't like her sometimes - and with a younger Dsis who is so easy going, obedient etc.
I tell her I appreciate it is hard for her.

As the older sibling she does often get the blame if they are both doing something -like bickering etc... as she should be more responsible and that is tough.
I know that if DD1 is getting attention DD2 doesn't like it and will try to attract the attention to her. (As soon as I realise I will tell DD2 to stop - it is DD1s turn now)

Also DD2 is still cute enough to be fawned over by GPs, etc - and hard as that is I tell her to remember DD2 can never get as much attention as she did - when she was the sole focus.
The same when DD2 was younger and people on the street etc would tell me how beautiful she was - I told DD1 she got that too as a baby/young child - and how strange would it seem if a stranger went up to an older child or adult and did the same.
I tell her the things that make her hard for me to handle now, channeled in the right direction are actually great strengths. She is such a strong character that she can achieve anything she sets her mind too.
And also she is who she is and I am who I am. I am her mother but I am not perfect - I do get it wrong (often) but I am doing the very best I can.
(Reading that back ...sounds like I am a lovely 'understanding' mother - but I'm not - I do lose my temper and shout ...and then have to nice and calm with DD2 because she hasn't done anything wrong - but to DD1 that (understandably) seem like rubbing salt in the wound - but don't know what else I can do - except try to explain that when DD1 and I are calmer)
Have to face the really difficult teenage years yet (surprisingly though DD1 and I have been getting on much better recently)- but I am hoping that she always knows and realises that I love her.
(Even if I really don't like her behaviour sometimes).
And that I will be able to handle anything she throws at me better than my mother (or father come to that) because I understand her better than they did me.

Being a parent is not easy

unlucky
Quite simply the best post I have read here.

I very much liked your post too.

The only bit I probably disagreed with is "As the older sibling she does often get the blame if they are doing something - like bickering.... as she should be more responsible and that is tough".

In my experience of several children, the youngest is often not the innocent one, just by virtue of being younger. In my experience, a child of 6 or 7 or older knows full well what they are doing, even as regards an older sibling, even if the sibling is several years older. I overheard their conversations form time to time and it is a bit of an eye opener.

Thanks mumn - I hope the OP can sort it - it does seem like they both want to really...
caster8 - unfortunately really it is often DD1's fault -she stirs things up - especially if she is feeling a bit bored and she gets bored easily ...(I've heard it happen more than once)
And I've heard her getting DD2 to do things that are 'naughty' to get her into trouble -because DD2 is a bit too (annoyingly) 'perfect'
Then I think DD2 plays to that role too...(but she is placid - she can't have had more than 2 tantrums in her life!)
It is hard for DD1 - not only being older but DD2 being so 'good'.
They are very, very different ...I actually worry more for DD2 as an adult than DD1 - being so extremely easy going she could be easily influenced /taken advantage of ...whereas DD1 - no way!
(Then again -maybe DD1 will turn into an angel teenager and DD2 will find her voice and be a teenager from hell!)

Mumn that was what I meant by my post - it was in response to the one bringing it up again as has been moved on from and seemed a step back to having a go at the op and rehashing what has already been said up thread. My point was to move on from the original post and focus on what cazakstan has posted more recently. Sorry if that wasn't clear.

Reading back over my post it seems clear to me I am very much in favour of supporting cazakstan and not letting the thread get high jacked by rehashing things that have been cleared up and blame being assigned to the op. Again if that was not clear apologies.

{smile] no apology needed .... just as likely that I should have read it differently

My daughter has always belittled me from being a teenager. She resents me and has taken over my home and influences her younger brother. She has pushed me into buying her things when she's wanted them and she only speaks to me when she wants something. She fabricates stories about me so that she can move on with her boyfriend and she has now moved in with him. I have given her lots of freedom to follow her dreams, I've supported her financially and have never asked her for money whilst living with me so that she can pay off her car and masters degrree. I realised a long time ago that she doesn't fit me into her life and any suggestion I have made for us doing anything together seems to be refused. I've been a single mum and have done everything I can for both my children. I love her, I'm proud of her achievements and am happy that she has found someone she really likes . She had my blessing to move in with him so I'm not sure why she has manipulated a story pretending there's an argument between us when there was no need. It feels like she has deliberately severed connections with me because she doesn't need me financially. I have always been there for her and she always expects me to drop everything for her needs. I've not heard from her in 4 weeks and wonder if I should leave her to it or go and visit her ?

ZOMBIE THREAD

Does it matter? There are some interesting posts here

while I can see this is painful for the OP - I do agree with some other posters, that there is something off about the way you talk about your eldest. At 16 she was still a child and I feel you could have been a much bigger person about her childish criticisms of you - so what if she thought her friends mum was cool? There is something about "went off to play golf for 4 hours" and putting the phone down on her that seems a bit dismissive. More like an adult power struggle than a compassionate parent response. And with a child - they will always end up feeling very angry and hurt.

I think she has done really well with her life and a parent who expects gratitude is on to a hiding - that will come later, probably not until she has kids of her own.

I had a mother who often said things that cut me. I don't think she realised how much. Consequently I never say anything to my 20 yr old that will get under her skin. The only time she is snappy with me is when I make the odd comment about her clothes or fondness for fake tan! Afterwards I often see that I was annoying and her response was understandable. And if I feel I'm wrong i say sorry.

I think you need to be the grown up and stop this battle with her. Perhaps you might think about writing her a letter - one without any self - justification. Apologise for the way you dealt with the incident when she was 16 and that you love her. You have to take your ego out of this - she's clearly hurt under all the anger. Anger is always a sign someone is hurt. I hope you solve this - but I think the answer is a long hard look at the way you have dealt with her.

Hear, hear Imperial.
I’m very much in the same position as Casakstan and it isn’t because one child has been favoured over the other, that’s a cruel thing to say to anyone let alone someone that’s feeling shit and asking for help.
Let’s just hope you’re never in this position and if you are I hope that people would support you not kick you in the teeth when you’re feeling heartbroken!

Hi everyone
I have just joined so be gentle with me
Well my issue at the moment is I haven’t spoken to my daughter for ten years I have tried to maintain contact via birthday cards but she has never responded until last week I sent her a card with a letter as usual and this time she replied she thanked me an asked why after all this time
I told her I had had no response in the past and I explained as much as you can put in a txt
She never replied
All this started after my husband her dad died I admit I did a shit job at coping and I made some bad mistakes so it was my fault the family parted but she still insist on rejecting me
I don’t know what to do should I txt again
Some advice would be great
Thanks xx

murplaw, your post is currently at the bottom of 360ish posts of an old thread that started in 2013, so is unlikely to be read. Can I suggest you select & copy your post, then go to 'start a new thread', paste in there with the title, and away you go.

You and your daughter need to go away for a couple of days and fix it
At least she is talking to you her arguing is a cry for help