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Original poster

Why does my 26 year old daughter hate me so much.

335 replies

cazakstan · 08/08/2013 20:58

I have 2 daughters of 22 and 26. My eldest left home at 16 after an argument and for the past almost 11 years has visited and stayed occasionally. She's just finishing a masters degree and has nowhere else to live and so has been staying at home with myself, my partner and my younger daughter. I must admit my relationship is not fantastic...it's always hard with her...it's like she has always had a bee in her bonnet with me. It's easier with my youngest daughter...what you see is what you get and we have a great relationship...but...my eldest...god...for the past 11 years it's been like walking on egg shells...she criticises almost everything I do or buy for her. She,s well travelled, educated, has a steady boyfriend. It has been getting harder each visit. Yesterday she would not stop criticising my younger daughter...my mother was here visiting...my youngest ended up in tears and left...even after that my eldest did not let up.. even after I asked her several times and then told her to shut the fuck up. My mother said she thought WW3 was about to erupt...she offered to take my eldest home with her...I said that was a good idea...give the situation a couple of days to cool off. It ended up with my eldest saying that she would be homeless, not be able to finish her masters and that she would never see me again. My mother left with my eldest. I had little sleep last night. I messaged her this morning saying that I did not throw her out, that she needed to get on with her life and not be making comments on my daughters life or mine, also that she needed to lighten up. That I was her mother and that she would always be welcome home, that she needed us as a family. 10 minutes later she replied...we were not a family, we do not behave like a proper family, that she has got on with her life without a family and continue to do so. OMG. My mother phoned me early evening to say that my daughter needed her books and clothes...I said that since my daughter was being so nasty to me that it was maybe best that my partner drop her stuff off thus avoiding a confrontation between her and I. My mother passed the phone to my daughter who immediately called me two faced then said why can't I talk to her like an adult. I hung up. I hung up to avoid any arguments. So that's where I am...I love her but don't like her. I don't like her animosity towards me and I cannot bear to argue with her. I want her to be happy and to get over whatever it is that makes her hate me.

OP posts:
swallowedAfly · 09/08/2013 08:44

are you asking if i'm projecting here caster?

Caster8 · 09/08/2013 08:47

I am never sure of the exact meaning of projecting. I am asking the question I asked you.

swallowedAfly · 09/08/2013 08:54

yes i do caster and of course that does allow me to empathise with the dd in the situation. my neo cortex is definitely still engaged though Wink i'm well aware this is a different situation and i'm looking at it as one whilst remaining aware that this is familiar ground for me.

swallowedAfly · 09/08/2013 08:54

that last post of yours sounded like a counsellor Grin

Caster8 · 09/08/2013 09:03

I am not a counsellor! Grin

It seems to me, as I have already posted, that there are probably many issues on both sides of this relationship.

Things as you know can get hugely emotionally complicated, even by the age of 16.

We do not know, nor will even fully know the whole story.
I daresay, that the op has left somethings out.
But equally, I dare say that the daughter is very emotionally messed up.
And it may well be, again for all we know, that there was no way that practically any parent could have resolved whatever was going on with the daughter at 16.

Who is at fault. Personally I wouldnt dream of saying.
Personally, I cannot see how strangers over the internet can say one way or the other. Far far far too little information to go on imo.

Partridge · 09/08/2013 09:13

But I cannot believe that an adolescent is ever at fault for the breakdown of a relationship. She was 16!

She could not have been expected to deal with the situation with any level of maturity - it was up to the op to parent her, not for a boundary pushing kid to assess the risk of being completely abandoned. Hmm

runningforthebusinheels · 09/08/2013 09:18

At 16, when she said her friends mother was a 'better mother' than you, I don't think she was talking in terms of smoking, drinking and sleeping around- being an upstanding citizen. She was talking about emotional support - something she felt, maybe, she got more of from this friend's mother than from you. Or that she saw her friends mother give to her friend. Sorry if that sounds harsh - but she was 16, and 16yr olds are unreasonable. You argued with her about it and then went to play golf for hours. She had moved in with said friend, and you didn't see her for 4 months - sounds like there is way more to that situation than you can probably describe on here. But to pass food/money to her via a third party is a strange way to behave imo - like you're making sure she's fed and watered, but not actually concerned about her emotional welfare and what drove her to move out.

Now history has just repeated itself when she's 26 and needs a roof over her head to finish her masters - she's upset the applecart, you've stood up for your youngest dd, not her - and sent her things to her via another third party. You may be thinking this is to avoid confrontation - she is feeling cut off by you.

It does sound like you have a cosy, supportive relationship with your partner and youngest daughter, and that she is the black sheep. She is obviously fully aware of this. A pp said she was testing you - I agree with that and I'm afraid you're repeatedly failing her. She feels she's always in the wrong with you.

As an aside, I think saying she got a good degree 'with your help and support' is a bit rich - I'd be really angry if my mum said that about my degree. Supporting your child through a degree is kind of a 'given' in parenting, not something you should receive credit for.

swallowedAfly · 09/08/2013 09:27

yes and children crave emotional support more than financial. financial is great but it doesn't feed your soul.

Caster8 · 09/08/2013 09:34

The op says she tried to bring her daughter back home. Sounds like the daughter did not want to come back. Should the op have dragged her back?
Or are people not going to believe what the op says, in which case there is no point to this thread.

The op, and maybe the daughter are trying to build bridges. But it isnt working. I agree with another poster that a third party may be able to act as an intermediate.
or as I suggest, try letter writing between the two of the. And both sides concerned keep a copy of the letters so that more misunderstandings do not occur.

Caster8 · 09/08/2013 09:36

And I dont get why some posters thinks the op loves the younger daughter more, just because the op gets on with her better.

swallowedAfly · 09/08/2013 09:37

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

Caster8 · 09/08/2013 09:42

Who me Hmm
Look me up on advanced search. look her up. No idea who the op is. If you are concerned about sockpuppetry, ask MNHQ.

Caster8 · 09/08/2013 09:44

swallowedAfly. You obviously have huge personal issues about all of this. And I am sorry for you. And I am glad that you realise that not every mum daughter relationship at 16 is the same.

wannabedomesticgoddess · 09/08/2013 09:48

The suggestion that the OP should write a letter is ridiculous actually. She lqcks insight into her own failings, if she cannot admit she has handled things badly on an anonymous forum, I doubt she will manage it in a letter to her daughter.

A letter full of the egocentric nonsense we have read here will be the final nail in the coffin of this relationship.

MumnGran · 09/08/2013 09:50

what the hell is 'sock-puppetry', in relation to posts?

HoleyGhost · 09/08/2013 09:55

I don't see how your dd would benefit from a relationship with you, given your attitude as expressed in your posts.

Let her go. Work on yourself.

burberryqueen · 09/08/2013 09:55

just a bit of discourse analysis -
OP you have used 'I' 20 times
'me'or 'my' 18 times
'myself' once
actually i feel sorry for your daughter.

Caster8 · 09/08/2013 09:57

swallowedAfly thinks I may be the op for some reason.

wannabe. I dont agree. Obviously no one has full insight into everything, but where do you think that the op lacks enough insight to write a letter to her daughter?

Caster8 · 09/08/2013 09:58

How can an op write much about the daughter if she has not been able to get the daughter to say much for the last 10 years?
She does not have much idea any more what the daughter is thinking.

swallowedAfly · 09/08/2013 10:02

i reported my post as soon as i posted it asking for it to be deleted. was supposed to be humour but immediately realised i shouldn't have said it sorry.

however i don't appreciate the gaslighting caster - i don't have HUGE PERSONAL ISSUES and you don't need to feel sorry for me dear.

Caster8 · 09/08/2013 10:09

Didnt know what gaslighting is either. Had to look it up. Wouldnt know how to do it if I tried.

Apology accepted for the other comment.
I dont care if the comment stays there btw.

Phalenopsis · 09/08/2013 10:11

Why does my 26 year old daughter hate me so much?

You really need to find this out because there is obviously something very wrong here. I agree with mumngran who suggested meeting on neutral territory and getting to the bottom of this. You really need to listen to her OP and be prepared to hear things you don't want to hear. It could be that there has been a misunderstanding which has been blown out of all proportion over the years (I've seen it happen) and due to lack of communication between the parties (a big problem here I think) the seemingly small issue grows into a monster.

I do agree with those who've mentioned that sending clothes via a third party seems cold. I can see it from both sides:

Mum - She's obviously upset and angry so best not inflame the situation further. I'm hurt too so I'll send XXXX round with them.

Daughter - She can't even be bothered to bring my stuff round herself! She was the same when I left home. 16 and she all she did was send money!

I think counselling for you both might be an option because it's clear that there is lot inside both of you which needs to be addressed. A third, neutral party might be able to help.

Phalenopsis · 09/08/2013 10:11

Why does my 26 year old daughter hate me so much?

You really need to find this out because there is obviously something very wrong here. I agree with mumngran who suggested meeting on neutral territory and getting to the bottom of this. You really need to listen to her OP and be prepared to hear things you don't want to hear. It could be that there has been a misunderstanding which has been blown out of all proportion over the years (I've seen it happen) and due to lack of communication between the parties (a big problem here I think) the seemingly small issue grows into a monster.

I do agree with those who've mentioned that sending clothes via a third party seems cold. I can see it from both sides:

Mum - She's obviously upset and angry so best not inflame the situation further. I'm hurt too so I'll send XXXX round with them.

Daughter - She can't even be bothered to bring my stuff round herself! She was the same when I left home. 16 and she all she did was send money!

I think counselling for you both might be an option because it's clear that there is lot inside both of you which needs to be addressed. A third, neutral party might be able to help.

Phalenopsis · 09/08/2013 10:12

Don't know why it posted my comments twice. Confused

wannabedomesticgoddess · 09/08/2013 10:12

Because not once has the OP even tried to suggest where her daughters feelings might stem from. Every post is full of how this has affected her, how wonderful her youngest is and how the eldest should be giving her credit for the degree.

She has admitted she doesnt like her DD1. That is a crippling statement.