Why does my 26 year old daughter hate me so much.

[cazakstan]

I have 2 daughters of 22 and 26. My eldest left home at 16 after an argument and for the past almost 11 years has visited and stayed occasionally. She's just finishing a masters degree and has nowhere else to live and so has been staying at home with myself, my partner and my younger daughter. I must admit my relationship is not fantastic...it's always hard with her...it's like she has always had a bee in her bonnet with me. It's easier with my youngest daughter...what you see is what you get and we have a great relationship...but...my eldest...god...for the past 11 years it's been like walking on egg shells...she criticises almost everything I do or buy for her. She,s well travelled, educated, has a steady boyfriend. It has been getting harder each visit. Yesterday she would not stop criticising my younger daughter...my mother was here visiting...my youngest ended up in tears and left...even after that my eldest did not let up.. even after I asked her several times and then told her to shut the fuck up. My mother said she thought WW3 was about to erupt...she offered to take my eldest home with her...I said that was a good idea...give the situation a couple of days to cool off. It ended up with my eldest saying that she would be homeless, not be able to finish her masters and that she would never see me again. My mother left with my eldest. I had little sleep last night. I messaged her this morning saying that I did not throw her out, that she needed to get on with her life and not be making comments on my daughters life or mine, also that she needed to lighten up. That I was her mother and that she would always be welcome home, that she needed us as a family. 10 minutes later she replied...we were not a family, we do not behave like a proper family, that she has got on with her life without a family and continue to do so. OMG. My mother phoned me early evening to say that my daughter needed her books and clothes...I said that since my daughter was being so nasty to me that it was maybe best that my partner drop her stuff off thus avoiding a confrontation between her and I. My mother passed the phone to my daughter who immediately called me two faced then said why can't I talk to her like an adult. I hung up. I hung up to avoid any arguments. So that's where I am...I love her but don't like her. I don't like her animosity towards me and I cannot bear to argue with her. I want her to be happy and to get over whatever it is that makes her hate me.

but if you point that out wannabe then apparently you have huge personal issues and need pitying

to clarify - THAT is what gaslighting is. trying to make someone feel their rational opinion and beliefs are false and it's just because they're screwed up and they shouldn't trust their own thoughts, feelings, beliefs etc.

it's perfectly possible to have it as a strategy you use without being aware you're pulling it i guess.

How would I know if your feelings or thoughts are false or true swallowedAfly? I dont know you.

She says she doesnt like her. But also says she loves her.

It is perfectly easy to love a person but not like their behaviour.

Yes if you're a shit mum.

I agree with swallowed and you were gaslighting.

FWIW I can empathise with the OP. As I have already posted, my relationship with my own mother is strained, I can appreciate how the OPs relationship with her mum will have affected her.

I also have two DDs. DD1 is 4. Her father was abusive and the relationship broke up when DD1 was 6months old. I was a single mum on benefits (I suspect I had PND too) with no real emotional support from my own mother.

As a contrast, DD2 was planned with my current, non abusive partner. I feel I am enjoying DD2s first year more than I enjoyed DD1s and as a result, I find DD2 more pleasant and sometimes I do think I love her more.

I hate this about myself. I consciously work extra hard to make DD1 feel loved. If she resents me at the age of 16 I will know that its entirely my fault and I will tell her. I will try to reach her. I will like her and love her no matter what.

Obviously we dont know the OPs entire situation, but my point is that no matter what, it was the OPs job to be the parent. To put her DD1 first. And when a problem arises it should be dealt with, not put into the hands of a third party and be left until after golf.

DD. Are you saying that mums are bad if they love a child but not their behaviour?

Stepping in here, because one of the issues many of us have identified is precisely that OP doesn't say she dislikes the behaviours. She states that she dislikes her daughter.

That's how I read it too.

She didn't say she didn't like her behaviour, that would be different. She said she didn't like HER. I'm 26, I feel so sad for the ops daughter. She must feel so alone, and from her POV her mother has her perfect little nuclear family whilst she is the black sheep nobody likes. Thank goodness for her boyfriend. At 16 I said some horrible things to my parents, what 16 year old hasn't? At 16, her thought processes were not the same as yours. I agree entirely with the poster who said that in saying how great this other Mum was, she was noting affection and unconditional love, not "oh she's so cool she smokes and drinks" etc. in fact, by arguing those shallow points with her at 16 your daughter will have felt so much more misunderstood and alone than before your argument, she ran away from the hurt.

At 16, this girl left home yet worked hard to complete her a levels and get herself to masters level, yet the OP is taking credit for this, in some way taking away her daughters achievements. She might not have vocalised it directly, but her daughter will have picked so much up through her body language and actions.

We don't know the full story but her relationship with her father and the split might be extremely relevant here.

OP she is an adult now but that is not to say she isn't emotionally damaged. If you read through the stately homes thread you can see just how far adolescence affects women for life. I am not saying that you are a bad parent at all, as it is clear from your act of posting that you do show pride and concern for your daughter, but your posts do display some narcissistic signs. She can't just "get over" 10 years of feeling rejected as you'd like her to in your OP, she needs a lot of help and support, and so do you. Personally I would not write a letter, its cowardly and she will see it as another way of stepping back from responsibility (as with delivering the clothes etc).

She asked you to speak to her like an adult. Couldn't you try to do that, and listen to her without interrupting or fighting back, no matter how painful the things she says are? It would be an incredibly difficult thing to do, but one which a counsellor, as moderator, could make much easier.

Sorry to hear what you have been through wannabe.And are still going through persumably.

I think it is natural to maybe love 1 child more than another at times. But it doesnt stay that way normally. Why should we expect it to.
I have sons and daughters who are all now in their 20s. Lots of minor ups and downs with all of them. Nothing remotely major happened to any of us. I have a great relationship with all of them [same father].

Agreed it is the ops job to be the parent. [I took it with the golf bit, that the op had no idea that her DD was going to up and leave while she was playing golf].
But what I am not understanding is what the op should have done immediately afterwards. It was the DDs choice to leave, and the op tried to get her back. The DD refused. Does not the DD get a choice in the matter?

True. The op does say she doesnt like the daughter. She does not say that she doesnt like her behaviour.
hmm. Never been in that situation, so cant really comment.
She does say she loves her.
That is quite severe to say she doesnt like her.

She could have gone to the house crying and begging her to come back because she loves her so much.

If my DD moved in with someone else at 16 it would rip my heart out, yet this woman left it for 4 months.

Perhaps if the OP approached her DD face to face, asked to take her for lunch, and listened to the DDs issues it might have helped. Perhaps the DD would have refused, to push the boundaries, to see how far the OP would go before she gave up. But the OP gave up from day one. Thats rejection in its sharpest form.

Her post of 7.31pm says she tried to get her DD back.

She does say she had no contact for 4 months. The op hasnt said whether that was the op's choice or the DDs.
The DD went off with her friend and her friend's mother. Did the DD want to come back home? Presumably not? But cant know for sure from what the op has said.

op, are you going to fill in the gaps here?

It does seem a little self-absorbed to say "I don't like this person, but can't understand why they don't like me."

But what I am not understanding is what the op should have done immediately afterwards. It was the DDs choice to leave, and the op tried to get her back. The DD refused. Does not the DD get a choice in the matter?

DD was a difficult 16 year old, having obvious issues with Mum.
OP may not have realised that DD would leave while she was playing golf ....but she then did not see her DD for 4 months, despite proximity.
If my 16 year old had left home in that way, I would have been making every attempt at every opportunity to see her, to talk to her, to support her needs other than sending money via a third party..... in short, to resolve whatever issues existed.

This mother is not 'mothering' her child, she is placing all responsibility for the breakdown of the relationship onto her child and goes as far as to say " I do think that it's about self preservation now. I do just wish that it could be different. I don't think that we will ever as mother and daughter be able to get to the bottom of whatever is eating away at her, it's just too hard "
This is not a drug addicted or alcoholic child whose parent is breaking her heart to employ tough love. This is a mother saying she doesn't like her adult daughter who is currently engaged in giving herself a great education. A mother who is taking zero responsibility for her input into creating this situation, and blaming everything on her daughter ..... who has twice returned to home, presumably to try and achieve a working relationship.
It sounds as though OP doesn't really give a toss beyond ensuring that her life isn't upset.
And I think that is probably an accurate assessment.

4 months of doing nothing.

what could she have done? anything but that.

gone round to see her, phoned, not handed over money as if someone was kenneling your dog for you but actually gone and told her she needed to come home and be with her family.

a zillion things.

if she loved her and was a good mother.

agree with mumngran.

this is a mother who says they'll never have a relationship because it's 'too hard' to get to the bottom of things. re: she will not sit and discuss and take responsibility for her part in things with her adult daughter who has been trying to reconnect with her.

How will you ever talk about your issues together without an argument happening? It seems impossible to me that such an emotive subject could be started without an argument occurring and if you are going to hang up or shout obscenities at her when she tries to talk, albeit aggressively, then there will be no resolving of issues.

You've labeled her from a young age and that is probably always in your mind when you both try to communicate.

She sounds incredibly hurt and angry. Hanging up on her and sending her away will hurt even if she's 26 or 46. She's your daughter and most crave some unconditional love from their parents.

Lashing out at her sister is probably her way of trying to make you see faults in the favourite child. Or maybe trying to make the favourite more like herself so you could love her more too.

Sometimes, with the best will in the world, relationships do break down.
If the DD refused to see mum anymore, would have nothing to do with her[we dont know that yet], badgering and stalking the DD would have been cruel.

I agree here that we, as complete strangers do not know either the mum or the DD. So, unless the op is willing to give more details, or the DD herself were willing to post on here, we dont have much to go on.

Still think that mum writing the DD letter is not being a coward, but trying to begin to sort out a situation in a non confrontational way.
I should imagine that all sorts would be revealed, on all sides.

For me, it doesn't matter if OP chooses to write a letter or use her mother as a third party to organise a meeting, providing that the route she opts for is all about creating an opportunity to sit down and listen - to hear, and not judge - to accept that she is not without fault.
The daughter has asked OP to talk to her like an adult.
Any method which actually achieves that would be a good starting point.

I would go with a meeting on mutual ground - face to face, but op needs to leave the talking to her daughter, and do most of the listening herself. And drop the defensiveness.

OP - I agree with mumngran and masterflea. I think your daughter is hurting and trying to reach out to you.

Mumngran that is a very accurate assessment of the situation. Lots of us have been pussyfooting around this - the fact is that at 16 she is still a child. And vulnerable. The op should have moved heaven and earth to have got her back then. I know someone will spout the "old enough to marry with consent" rubbish, but i work as a volunteer for a parenting helpline and this would be flagged up as an "at risk" case with a supervisor and taken very seriously.

I think it is probably too late now, but then again I don't think the op really cares much anyway.

It would be interesting to hear the daughter's version of events too - I feel sure that favouritism towards her younger sister and feeling pushed out of the family would be a huge part of why she's angry.

note also that the OP criticises the woman who raised her teenager for smoking and drinking yet didn't feel any qualms about her 16 yo living there.

there's just very little self awareness or responsibility in any of this. it does wreak of narcissism tbh.