Why does my 26 year old daughter hate me so much.

[cazakstan]

I have 2 daughters of 22 and 26. My eldest left home at 16 after an argument and for the past almost 11 years has visited and stayed occasionally. She's just finishing a masters degree and has nowhere else to live and so has been staying at home with myself, my partner and my younger daughter. I must admit my relationship is not fantastic...it's always hard with her...it's like she has always had a bee in her bonnet with me. It's easier with my youngest daughter...what you see is what you get and we have a great relationship...but...my eldest...god...for the past 11 years it's been like walking on egg shells...she criticises almost everything I do or buy for her. She,s well travelled, educated, has a steady boyfriend. It has been getting harder each visit. Yesterday she would not stop criticising my younger daughter...my mother was here visiting...my youngest ended up in tears and left...even after that my eldest did not let up.. even after I asked her several times and then told her to shut the fuck up. My mother said she thought WW3 was about to erupt...she offered to take my eldest home with her...I said that was a good idea...give the situation a couple of days to cool off. It ended up with my eldest saying that she would be homeless, not be able to finish her masters and that she would never see me again. My mother left with my eldest. I had little sleep last night. I messaged her this morning saying that I did not throw her out, that she needed to get on with her life and not be making comments on my daughters life or mine, also that she needed to lighten up. That I was her mother and that she would always be welcome home, that she needed us as a family. 10 minutes later she replied...we were not a family, we do not behave like a proper family, that she has got on with her life without a family and continue to do so. OMG. My mother phoned me early evening to say that my daughter needed her books and clothes...I said that since my daughter was being so nasty to me that it was maybe best that my partner drop her stuff off thus avoiding a confrontation between her and I. My mother passed the phone to my daughter who immediately called me two faced then said why can't I talk to her like an adult. I hung up. I hung up to avoid any arguments. So that's where I am...I love her but don't like her. I don't like her animosity towards me and I cannot bear to argue with her. I want her to be happy and to get over whatever it is that makes her hate me.

I empathise with you as I have a similar issue with my 29 year old daughter. Every since I got divorced from her dad she has been snappy, disrespectful and this has just become worse year by year. In the last few years I found out her dad, and his mum were saying things which were untrue about me : referring to me to my children as the 'bitch'.
He didnt pay any child maintenance as he was self employed and is now showering my daughter with huge amounts of money. I am by no means perfect and I took my children once a fortnight to see their dad, as he wouldnt drive the 100 mile round trip to see them. I felt it was important that they had a paternal relationship.
But now she's telling people her dad would pick them up every weekend whilst I partied - fat chance on the wage I earned and keeping a roof over their head without any financial support from him.
Ive never said a word against him - despite the divorce being due to his behaviour.
I find it so stressful - she has now started saying that I have a mental condition (untrue - it got to me so much I went to the docs - and she sent me onto a team who said I was just being bullied); she says could have me certified (she's a lawyer); she belittles me in company - and so that I don't retaliate I just go home when she starts.

At Xmas, she took great delight in announcing she'd bought her mother-in-law a bracelet with a 'mother at the centre of my world' charm; she visits her ever Sunday for a roast, pops in for coffee or bacon butties ( but turns down any invite I give); when she got married a few months ago she had her hair and makeup done with her mother in law. I am glad that they get on well - but all these public displays are designed to hurt me even more - and I know they are done on purpose.

So I have decided not to have any contact with her for a couple of months - and if she wants some money, or use my laptop, or help with cleaning then instead of agreeing......I wont even answer my phone.( as much as it will hurt me ).

Maybe you should have some distance too?

I wonder what makes your daughter so angry? It sounds like there's a lot of built up resentment for her. I think this needs addressing before you can build a good relationship.

This was a thread from 5 years ago.

ImperialBlether couldn’t agree more. I know the pain and how it tears you apart. I have one dd and two ds’s. And boy do the two of us tear each other apart even though we love each other to bits. She’s now thirty and i’ve only recently realised she holds tremendous resentment (sibling rivalry) towards her elder brother. I feel torn to shreds trying to smooth the waters. Although you try to treat them all fairly with adult c their support needs manifest at different times and in different ways and that can be a recipe for further problems, and sadly that is causing me mega heart ache. Cazakstan, perhaps you’re daughter is like mine in varying ways. I’m convinced I am carrying the can for dd’s indifferent and unloving relationship with her father. At 18 she came across a load filth re incest on the computer her father had been using , that was the final straw for me and we then went through a messy divorce. A couple of years later he marries a girl 4 yrs older than dd and sends the children a surprise email telling them he has a beautiful new daughter and they have a truly special new sister. And so the rollercoaster continues...... So, like your dd I suspect, my dd is highly sensitive, clever and struggling with her inner emotions. And I like you pick up the flack. How do I handle it? Not always very well. At times it hurts like crazy. The most difficult part is not responding verbally ( easier said than done). At times I’ve had to clamp my tongue between my teeth to stop responding. I’ve found that the less hurtful responses I make the sooner we can move forward. In between blowups and fallout we’ve had some lovely times. Sadly we’re just about to hit more turbulence as I enter into a business partnership with 1st ds. Life’s a bitch, no doubt about that.. Good luck to you and your elder lovely hurting daughter. Xx

Sorry , didn’t read the date. Just goes to show the same old hurts carry on. It’s universal.

Well I’m needing help ladies, please no negativity here, I can’t take anymore. My daughter is 17. I have homeschooled her since she was 16 because she was bullied at school and the school wouldn’t do much for her. At age 13 my daughter said she was gay. I’m devastated but I just deal with everything else in my life. My daughter gets angry sometimes and calls me a bitch. I can’t believe it. I never curse at her, never. I’m heartbroken Moms, I have a 28 yr old daughter too. I lost my son full term at the hospital so it’s not been the perfect life. I want her to apologize I’m heartbroken over this and it’s happened two other times.i bend over backwards for this girl bc I love her so much. Please be kind and offer any advice on anything going on with my daughter. ( help with her sexuality would be appreciated too) I’m a devout Christian. Thank you friends

Just for clarification... You want your daughter to apologise for being gay and/or the way you reacted to, and have been treating her, over it?

cazakstan Sadly some "grown up" children are like this - my son is exactly the same. Having put him through one degree, he wanted to do another - the most expensive, which was unsubsidized as a 2nd degree and cost me about the same as a terraced house, he passed with flying colours.....He still doesn't like me..... For some reason this seems to happen more often to single parents, no idea why, BUT its nothing to do with you, it is them I promise!!! Just enjoy your younger daughter and get on with life.

Oh dear my heart goes out to you. On the surface it seems as if she’s in complete inner turmoil and transferring all her inner anxieties and self doubt onto you.. And why? Cuz you’re her rock and you love her unconditionally. I suspect subconsciously she’s also testing you. This is hell for you and I suspect for her. It’s so difficult but you must try to stay calm and not respond with retaliatory remarks. I know, I’ve been there.
I think of myself as a Christian and I believe God loves every single one of us no matter who or what we are. It is not for us to judge. It is for us to love. She needs you behind her accepting her for who she is. I know I would far rather my daughter told me she was gay than told me she she was on heroin. Can I suggest you read as much as possible about gay life so that you can understand more from the gay perspective. It might help you embrace your daughter and her future and build a calmer future for you two.
The other thing that strikes me is her age, 17. Most 17 year olds are in need of space from their parents. They need to sound off away from Mum. They are on the brink of flying the nest and becoming adults in a difficult and frightening world. If she’s gay it’s probably even more difficult. I’m sure you support her and encourage her to go out and find like minded friends. Local colleges are the perfect place. And if she develops gay relationships how marvellous it would be for her to know you approve without any judgmental vibes.
Good luck to you. Problems with our adult children really screw us up. The pain it causes is so real. Lots of love to you both. Xxx

This thread is 5 years old. Helping the OP is pointless.
Helping later PP may be OK