Should I text him first?

[CoralQueen]

I've been online dating for the past couple of months and have had my fair share of bad dates. My last one though was the nicest of the bunch and I had a really nice time.

When my date got home after driving quite a way, he messaged me to say he had got home and that he hoped I had a good night. I responded by thanking him for taking me out and saying that I had a nice time.

That was two days ago and I haven't heard from him since, but he has been the dating website.

I'm not really sure what his thoughts of the date were and I'm not sure where I stand either. As I've only met him once I don't want to appear overly keen, so was wondering whether anyone has some advice as to what my next move should be?

I think we can all agree if you get a willy text then DO NOT PROCEED.

OP in view of his recent text I dont see the harm in a chatty and non committal response.

I remember one bloke I was in a dating/texty thing with and everyone would say oooo hes so shy you must text him. So I did, never went anywhere then I found out his next girlfriend he was buying flowers for and organising romantic little easter egg hunts for after a few dates.

He just wasnt interested.

Yes there are shy men and women around, but I think its easy to think oh he could be shy and make an effort when this statistically is probably not the case.

LIke another poster said, he wasnt too shy to go on a date and text once and so therefore he is unlikely to be too shy to organise a follow up.

The arguments against chasing are nothing to do with feminism or what year it is. The OP angsted about texting. She texted. She got a non commital response. So, now she will angst about that. I think this sort of stuff can be demoralising. I think it's worth protecting your feelings from random men. And that is all he is. A one date man that she fancied.

For what it's worth, I think his last text meant, "I can't be bothered." He's telling her he's tired. It's lacklustre. He is probably polite and will continue to answer her texts over and over again. And she will read stuff into what? 10 words on a screen. It's so time wasting.

Football has killed him off for the week = he's not available (and probably has other dates lined up).

He's just being polite. Move on.

There is also the possibility that this guy thinks there is no chance of a shag on the immediate horizon, so can't be bothered to invest any more time. It may sound harsh, but those of us who have done OD will have come across this behaviour pattern all too often (male and female).

I hope I'm wrong.

I also completely agree with what nkf has said.

He has football on Thursdays as well so that may well be the case!

I have replied and in my reply I have included, "So do you fancy meeting up again sometime? If not, no worries."

Makes it easier for him to say no then!

I think he was very clear - he is "busy" for the rest of the week. He sounds polite but not interested. Move on :)

Hmm. Sadly, what nkf said. His reply smacks of thinly veiled politeness, and the subtext is that he can't be bothered.

OP, he's not good enough for you. You deserve way more attention from a potential suitor. I wouldn't even reply to his text, just let it go.

And get back on that OD site!

Yeah I agree and as a very good wise friend of mine used to say when I bemoaned my latest disastrous date/relationship:

NEXT

I have my answer! He said that he thought I was nice, good looking etc. but he didn't feel anything there. Sorted, so know I now for future if anyone is really interested they will get in touch and their responses will be more enthusiastic :) thanks for the help guys.

Sorry Coral, lesson learnt I guess, but now you can move on and yes I know from past experience that if a man is interested he will let you know.

Forget all this is it 1950's stuff, it still applies but the good thing is that you text, you now know and can move on.

If he resurfaces, which he might, then don't respond. Good luck with it all. I am dating too, of sorts, and it's tough. I go with the 'I'm the prize' attitude and never chase and that is successful for me.

Oh I wish you hadn't texted him!

I'm not a believer in the rules or in anything like that but it was very obvious that this man wasn't into you . If he was, he would have been texting or calling - and apart from a polite ' thanks for a nice night' text, he wasn't .

But lesson learnt for next time I guess!

Sorry Coral , but at least you know, and you can move on now.

Just remember men are like buses, there may be none for a while, then a few will come along at once . And you are the prize!

Teddy, I've never really been in a situation like that before and as I hardly knew him I wasn't sure.

I weighed up all of the responses and made a decision on how to approach the situation and I'm glad I have done it because now I know the signs to look out for.

Thanks for the advice everyone :)

at mindyourownbusiness. Hope you meet somebody nice.

Ah well, I was wrong on this one but some men do hang back (mine would still probably be waiting if I hadn't made the move to talk to him! And it even took a lot of booze for him to pluck up the courage to ask me to go exclusive with him even though I had heard it from his friends beforehand and he knew I had and hadn't run a mile! )

Good luck for future dates OP!

No harm done coral. It's not like you have to see him again anyway and you didn't say anything daft.

Seems like he made his mind up on the date which is fair enough and a reasonably polite man as he was honest with you.

FFS all this don't text, play it all coy bullshit gets really boring after a while, not to mention how anachronistic it seems in modern society.

The OP hasn't done anything wrong. She's got an answer, which she wouldn't have had otherwise. He wasn't rude, a bit inept because he really should have made it clear post-date that he wasn't interested, didn't feel a spark, etc, that's simple good manners. However he is a man doing OD, and if he's like the vast majority that means he will be a bit lacking in social skills and courtesy. Or be just out for a shag. That covers about 99% of them. So he's probably no loss.

And the reality is, he wasn't interested from the second that date finished. The OP didn't change the course of destiny by texting him. Nor would she have if she hadn't text him. The outcome would have been identical - but this way she has an answer, which a lot of people, me included, would prefer.

Personally, if I want to text someone I do. I don't view it as chasing, or that there's anything hand-wringingly wrong in it. I'm not a shrinking violet, and the sort of man who likes me, and who I like, isn't one who makes prissy pathetic judgments about women based on whether they double-text or not. It's not as simple as 'if a man's interested they'll chase you', I can think of several instances from my own experience, and that of my friends, where that wasn't the case.

At the end of the day, do you think a man ever bothers, ever worries about when to text or not? Or to send another text without reply if the first received a non-commital response? Of course they don't! Case in point: I was asked on a date 15 months ago. I cancelled last minute. We kept in contact for a few weeks thereafter with a view to rearranging, but ultimately I decided I didn't want to. He continued to text and phone me once a week, I didn't reply, or answer after the first couple. He gave up texting after about 6 months, but he still calls me once a month. I don't answer because I have nothing to say to him. He clearly still wants to meet me - and I bet has wasted precisely zero seconds worrying about putting me off, or ruining his chances. Whilst I wouldn't advocate anyone prolonging contact to that extreme (!), by the same token I do think as women we should worry less about all this, not blame ourselves (or let others blame us) every time it doesn't work out and just do what feels right, fuck all this rules-y, game-playing cobblers. Because ultimately with the right person you can't get it wrong :)

'Lesson learnt'?! What, if she hadn't have texted he might have felt differently. BUUUULSHIT.

Good job OP. on to the next one!

Well said Velvet!

I think a lot of people, mainly women but men too, think far too much into this when they are the ones wanting to send the text, when in reality, the ones receiving the text don't think that much of it at all.

No harm done.

Velvet, you've just written: "It's not as simple as 'if a man's interested they'll chase you'...."

Then you go on to say:

"He continued to text and phone me once a week, I didn't reply, or answer after the first couple. He gave up texting after about 6 months, but he still calls me once a month. I don't answer because I have nothing to say to him. He clearly still wants to meet me."

Paradoxically, you've shown us that, actually, it is that simple.

Greg Behrendt, author of He's Just Not That Into You, agrees - if a guy likes a woman, she will not need to ask him out because he will do it.

He even conducted a poll among a number of men, all of whom said they had never had a problem asking a woman out whom they were interested in. Every man knows this is true - but some women can't accept it.

Fay Weldon, the feminist author, once said during a newspaper interview that even though women (supposedly) have equal rights today, that when it comes to dating "the old rules still work".

Dr Patricia Allen (known in the US as the Love Doctor), Dr Tracy Cabot and Dr Phil (McGraw) have all said pretty much the same.

There are just as many well-qualified folks who disagree with them, of course.

Another interesting point is that the OP's date was non-committal and distant, yet this did not put her off - it actually encouraged her to increase her efforts towards him.

Incidentally, I'm certainly not berating the OP - it was an interesting experiment and the OP seems cool with it, so let's live and let live

I don't think the OP's date was inept for not making it clear there was no spark. The default is that we're not in a relationship with someone, even in a dating situation. Polite and non-committal is making it clear, and the OP has now learnt that. Dating isn't a conference, people don't have to give feedback forms at the end.

I do think people in general put far too much energy into analysing and second guessing communication that was never intended for close critical analysis, which is why the "oh but he asked a question, question marks means he wants to have your babies" brigade get my goat.

I think its just hard all round, people behave differently, some people give off mixed signals, some people take awhile to decide what they want, you just dont know.
So, they only thing you can do is be you. If you are the sort of person that waits around, then wait for a text, if you are the sort of person that texts people, then text.

The deal is you are trying to find someone right for you, so, if they dont like you because you text at 4pm when they would have rather you didnt text till 8pm, then they arent you for. Equally if they are scared off or think you are only good for a shag because you sent them a ' hi, how are you ' text, then again, they arent a match for you.

Dating is a bloody minefield, just do what sits right with you.

The OP didn't change the course of destiny by texting him. Nor would she have if she hadn't text him. The outcome would have been identical

I wouldn't be too sure about this????

And not with the idea of him starting to be more interested etc......

More the worry, that OP (or any other woman including myself) could start mis-interpreting what the guy NOW wants, possibly just FWB or a shag or whatever, as in his mind he already made clear that he's not interested, but him noticing the woman not getting this part and starting to act emotional so early on, might open some doors for bullshit...

Would only recommened, if I'm hoping for a shag and something shallow short-lived myself...

Not sure, if I have explained well

I think you did absolutely the right thing.
You know where you stand and you can move on.
Not like you are ever going to bump into him so who cares.
Get back out there!
Good luck.

OP you did the right thing as now you know. You wouldn't want to be with someone who can't be upfront anyway would you?

Letting down gently is crap when it is done in a way that isn't obvious and his wasn't obvious.